Torn

-Four-

Parasuicide by Regret

He had to do this as a penance, he thought, for leaving Ran behind him. But it wasn't just him that was paying, but Sora as well.

-x-

He hadn't meant to let go.

Nao had stumbled, and he with him, and he swore he wouldn't abandon him, wouldn't let go. Yet, as Shinichiro hoisted him over his shoulder, his hand had slipped from Nao's; Aizawa's figured loomed over Nao with his usual sadistic grin plastered on his face. He remembered his and Nao's screams, the cries of, "Kuu-chan!" and "Don't leave me!" echoed in his ears like a haunting melody that would never cease... The frantic running as the sirens whined and the lights flashed to signal they had escaped their cells... The look on Nanami's face as he tried to unlock the door as quick as his fingers would allow him...

The ceiling of his room slowly materialised before him as the memories became semi-transparent in his mind, his body still as they played over and over like a movie on loop forever. Sora tried to push them away, to come back to the present, to stop reliving the haunting memories, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried to; he flung his pillow over his face, tears staining the fabric as he screamed, though it was muffled by the cotton-stuffed object. He could not take the pain his heart had endured for so long any more.

Make it go away... Make it all disappear... Make it stop...

Though it was probably all just in his mind, he thought he saw Yoru standing over him, his knuckles caressing his cheek tenderly, comfortingly, like a mother comforting a child waking from a nightmare.

'It's okay, Sora,' Yoru said softly, 'I'll make them go away for you.'

The voice echoed in his mind as all faded to black, presumably because Yoru had taken over.

-x-

At first it hurt as the blade sliced into his wrist, blood pooling to the surface, some spilling to the floor as it overflowed. He knew that Sora would, once he retreated back from his mind, know what he did, possibly even hate him for a while for doing it. But he needed to feel the pain Sunao felt when he abandoned him, pain for leaving Ran behind...a sort of 'penance' for letting go of his hand, for letting Aizawa take control of Sora's mind for a split second...

He cut deeper, drawing more blood, hissing from the stinging he felt, the tingling of his bleeding limb. Two marks, two crimson coloured slashes, and he paused before making a third. In that research facility, Ran was probably suffering for him as well, and so Yoru felt he had to feel what Ran was feeling - such intense, blinding pain that brought blood to the surface. Yoru was surprised Sora hadn't taken back control, hadn't scolded him for his actions. Perhaps Yoru could pass it off as an accident and hide the real memory behind a locked door.

The light in the hallway turned on and filtered through the bottom crack of the door, after a nearby door had closed, light footsteps slowly making their way in the direction of Sora's room. Another gash in his arm, which was now a bloodied mess, and Yoru felt just a bit lightheaded. He hadn't realised there was blood dripping from his arm to his leg and then to the floor, and the knock on the door nearly made Yoru cut too deep and sever something. His intent was to hurt and bleed, not to kill himself - rather, Sora.

"Sora-kun, is everything okay?" It was Nanami. He probably heard his rummaging around for a suitable tool for which to bleed with. Yoru didn't answer - Nanami would know right away that he wasn't Sora, but his alter; they still were not used to his presence yet.

"Sora-kun?" He knocked again, and Yoru shrunk further into the corner, as if trying to blend in with the wall, or disappear through it.

The door opened, the lights flickered on, and Nanami stood there, eyes wide open, at the scene before him: there was Yoru in the corner, the sleeve of Sora's pajama shirt pulled up; a bloodied knife held in his left hand was by his side; a pool of blood had formed underneath his right hand, which was also resting against the carpeted floor.

"...Sora?"

Yoru could not meet his gaze. He felt so guilty for causing such a mess, both to Sora's body and for Ran's predicament.

"I'm not Sora," Yoru whispered at last as Nanami stood there in bewilderment. "Sora is sleeping and quite oblivious - he will not know of what I did."

Nanami struggled to keep calm, and instead settled for running out of the room to get Shinichiro.

When Nanami came back, a half-asleep Shinichiro at his side, Sora had his mutilated arm up to his face, as if he could not believe what he was seeing. He looked from his wrist to Nanami as if his mind couldn't register what was going on currently, his mind clouded in fog.

"Nanami-chan..." His arm fell to his lap, blood still pumping from it as his head rested against the wall. "...What's happening to me...?"

Sora, who should have been used to waking up in a place without knowing how he got there, looked at the whitewashed walls and ceiling, his location not registering. He looked down at his arm and saw white gauze wrapped around it, a tinge of red showing through the bandages.

'I'm sorry, Sora,' Yoru said. 'I never meant to get you involved.'

"...doesn't have a history of parasuicidal behaviours?"

Sora knew the doctor was talking about him.

"N-No...he's never acted like this before," he heard Nanami say. Sora pictured him wringing his hands and half worried to death.

"You can't blame him, though," Shinichiro said. "Sora's been through a lot."

"But he could have come to me instead of doing something so..." There was a faint sigh of exasperation.

"You said it wasn't Sora, though, Nanami. You said it was Yoru."

Sora glared at the wall and shifted in the bed.

What difference does it make? Sora thought. We're the same person. His regrets are my regrets, and his 'parasuicide' is my parasuicide.

-x-

Author's Notes: Just to explain...

No, Yoru isn't a cutter. However, in the drama CD, Yoru once attempted suicide because of what happened to Ran and Sunao. He stopped because it wasn't just him that he was hurting, but Sora as well. Instead, he got some really nasty scars from the incident, which he kept covered with a bandage. That's why Yoru wears a whole mess of gauze over his right wrist.