Chapter 4
"Sleep well?" Michaela ask Sully as she poured him more coffee.
"Mmm…" he bit into his toast.
Eyeing him she set the coffee back on the stove. She paced back and forth behind him ringing her hands. "Sully, I hope you don't mind my asking, but I think that I should."
He sat his coffee cup down. "What?"
"These women friends of yours from all over the nation, how does it work? Do you see them again or do you forget about it? Do you write them? She sat down. "Huh? What do you do?"
"What do you mean?" he didn't understand where she was going with this.
"I just need to know the routine, your procedure. I don't want to mess that up for you. Do you want some jam?" She moved it toward him not looking him in the eye.
"Michaela what are you talking about, routine? There is no routine. Is that what you think this is?"
"Well what is this?" she stared straight ahead."
"Well is it up to me?" He shrugged his shoulders. "You're the one that's married, with no intention of leaving your husband."
"To do what?" she flared her hand. "To go off with someone who needs everyone but no one in particular? I mean what would be the point? Will you pass me the butter, please?"
"I was honest with you."
"Yes, absolutely." She began to butter her toast. "You have. You have this habit for not needing and that's very hard to break," she shook her head. "So in that case, why sleep? You don't need rest. Why eat?" she picked up his plate. "You don't need food!" she walked over to the sink and threw his plate in.
"What are you doing?" Sully got up.
Michaela walked back and forth in front of the sink. "Well I don't know! Maybe I'm just not cut out to be national citizen. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in your world!" she slammed her hand on the counter looking out the window. "Experience is everything and nothing at the same time."
"How do you know what I've experienced?" he shot back
Michaela turned around and leaned her back into the sink. "I know you!"
"Oh?"
"And what can this possibly mean to someone who doesn't need meaning?" She held her hands out at her sides. "Who goes with the mystery and pretends he's not scared to death."
"Let's stop this right now!" he held out his hands.
"You know what?" she crossed the room and sat at the table. "After you leave here I have to sit here for the rest of my life and wonder what happened to me. If anything happened at all," she began to break down. "And I'm going to have to wonder if you're sitting in some housewife's kitchen in San Francisco or somewhere and telling her about your world and your friends and if you secretly include me in that group."
"What do you want me to say?" he eyed her.
"I don't want you to say anything!" she shook her head. "I don't need you to say anything!"
"I want you to stop this right now."
"Fine!" she got up. "Do you want more eggs or should we just have sex on the floor one last time?"
"I'm not going to be…I'm not going to apologize for who I am."
"No," she held her hands up. "No one's asking you to."
"And I'm not going to be made to feel that I've done something wrong here," he began to get angry.
Michaela tore at the open collar of his shirt and pounded on his chest. "No! You're not going to be made to FEEL anything, period!" She turned away from him and walked to the other end of the kitchen. "Because you have carved out this little part of the world for yourself where you can be a painter, or a photographer, or a hermit, or a lover, whenever you feel like it! And the rest of us are supposed to feel incredibly grateful that we got to share this brief moment of your time!" All of Michaela anger through the years started to come out on Sully. All the years of pain, of loneliness, of solitude came out of her and it couldn't be stopped. Quickly she slammed the chair on the ground. "Go to Hell!" She spun around on her heels. "It isn't human not to be lonely! It isn't human not to be afraid!" she sliced her hand through the air. "You're a hypocrite and a phony!"
"I don't want to need you," he breathed out, his voice low.
"What?" she looked at him.
"Because I can't have you."
"What difference does it make?" she held out her hands.
Sully looked at her as if he was punched in the gut. He shook his head trying to fight back the tears. He walked over to the sink and looked out the window.
"Mmm…" she looked at him. " Oh. Don't you see?" she went over to him, softening. "Don't you see Sully? I just need to know the truth. I just need to know the truth because I'll go crazy." Tears dripped from her face. "Just tell me either way. I don't like this, but it's just the way it has to be. And I can't pretend not to feel what I feel because it's over tomorrow."
Sully continued to look out the window. "If I've I done anything to make you think what we have between us isn't new to me…then I apologize."
"W-what makes you think that, Sully?"
"I think of why I take photographs and the only reason I can come up with is that I've been making my way here." Sully grabbed the edges of Michaela's robe and drew her in closer. And he watched as the tears drop from her eyes. "It seems right now all I've ever done in my life is to make my way here to you. And I have to think about leaving here tomorrow with…with out you." Sully began to breakdown and his own tears fell from his eyes as he pulled Michaela into his arms.
Michaela began to sob into his chest, her tears just racked her body. "God…" she cried. "Oh God, what am I going to do…"
Sully held onto her tighter. He began to kiss away her tears. Over and over they kissed, silently forgiving one another. They swayed back and forth until Michaela heard a wagon drive up. "It's Anna!" she pushed away from him. "Oh no!"
Sully brushed his hands through his hair. "I'll...I'll go up stairs."
"Where's your wagon?" she began to put up her hair.
"Behind the barn."
"Go!" she pushed him up the stairs."
Soon she heard a knocking at the door. "Hello! Michaela?"
Quickly Michaela opened the door. "Hello, Anna," Michaela tried to put on a cheery face.
Walking right into the kitchen Anna sat a pie on the table. "Made ya a blueberry pie this mornin. I send Floyd off to town with the boy. I said Floyd I'm gonna visit Michaela, spend the after noon and that's all there is too it." Anna went over to the cupboard and pulled out two tea cups and some plates and forks. "He said who's gonna make lunch? And I said; I'm taking a sick day, go eat at the café!" she giggled. "Isn't that hilarious? He didn't dare raise an eyebrow I don't even want to tell ya how late he was out last night with those good for nothins' from the Sanford Ranch." Crossing the kitchen she poured herself some coffee. "I'm sorry honey that I let two days pass without comin t' visit but the boy was sick and sometimes time just escapes me. So how's Robert and the kids. Have you talked with them yet? How's his mother? God it's hot!"
Still standing by the front door Michaela had her arms crossed in front of her and her robe pulled tight. "Yes…yes it's hot."
……………………………………………
Hearing something at the front door, Elizabeth closed the journal and walked to the front of the house. Opening the door she looked out on the porch and saw her brother sitting on the swing. "Jonathan?"
"Hey sis," Jonathan began to rock back and forth. "Come join me!" his words were a bit slurred.
Elizabeth walked out on the porch letting the store slam behind her. "Have you been drinking?"
"Only a little," he pinched his fingers together. "I just needed to clear my head."
"I didn't think you drank." Elizabeth held her nose up. "And I don't think that it clears your head."
"I don't," Jonathan looked down. "But I think I needed it. I needed to think back to my time here. And I guess now that I look back at it and think about it there were always signs that mother wasn't as happy as she could be."
Elizabeth took a seat next to her bother. "I know what you mean. Remember the year father forgot her birthday and she tried to act like it didn't bother her and later that night we found her out behind the barn crying. She didn't deserve that Jonathan. Not after everything she did for us. And you know what? I'm glad her and Sully found one another. And no matter whatever else I read in this journal I'm going to be happy for her."
Jonathan placed his hand over his sisters. "I tried so hard to be mad at her. I wanted to be mad at her. But she's my mother, Elizabeth and I love her. Knowing everything that she went through for us, everything she did and what did that leave her with? Huh? A loveless marriage. Ungrateful children."
"Jonathan calm down. Okay. Listen to me. I don't think for a second that mother didn't love father or he didn't love her. But like she said it was a comfortable kind of love. A love that lacks passion but feels secure. And as for us…" she looked around. "We could have said thank you more. I love you more. We could have showed her we cared more. Father gave us anything we wanted and I think we just took mother for granted because she loved us so unconditionally and she was always there when we needed her."
"She was…" Jonathan looked far off into the distance.
"Remember when we were little and when it would storm we would be so afraid and mother would come into our rooms and cuddle with us? She would lay with us for hours just hugging us and telling us stories. We would laugh and tickle one another. Do you remember that?"
Jonathan laughed aloud. "Yeah I do. Her laughter would fill the room. I remember it because at night would be the only time she would wear her hair down. It was always so beautiful and soft. I would just lay there and twirl my fingers through it," Jonathan began to break down. "Oh God, why didn't I tell her! Why didn't I tell her she was the best mother in the world and I loved her and she was great? Why?"
Elizabeth came and wrapped her arms around her brother. "She knew Jonathan, she knew."
"No she didn't," he wiped away his tears.
"Yes. Yes, she did. Or else she never would have written this all down. She never would have wanted us to know. If she didn't think that we could forgive her than she never would have told us. She knew we loved her. She was a great mother. And she sacrificed herself for us. She gave up everything for us."
"I just wish she was here so we could tell her."
"How about we finish this," Elizabeth held up the journal. "Then in the morning we'll sail out to the Haut and before we put mother to rest we'll tell her how we feel. We'll tell her everything."
"Oh God, she's gone, she's really gone!" Jonathan wrapped his arms around his sister. "I loved her so much and now she's gone."
"She is gone. But she doesn't have to be. We can keep her with us. We can not forget her. We have to keep her spirit alive. And I think the first thing we can do is finish her journal. There's one day left. Let's finish it."
……………………………………………..
After Anne left, I went upstairs and found Sully laying in my bed. I climbed over him and snuggled into his back and wrapped my arms around him. I clasped my hand to his heart and he reached up to hold it. His breathing was haggard and he asked me to come with him. Squeezing my hand harder I could feel his tears landing on my flesh. And I told him yes. I told him I would go with him. He turned and looked in my eyes and before I knew what was happening we started to make love. And it was nothing I've ever felt before or ever felt again. Words can not even describe the places he took me. He held me as if I was the most precious gift in the word. And he said things to me that just sent my heart soaring into his. The moments that we shared together were so deep and profound that they wouldn't make sense to anyone but ourselves. We were one at that moment and I have never felt that way since.
That night we had dinner in the dining room. Sully set a beautiful candlelit dinner while I was upstairs packing. I packed up all of my clothes and personal belongings and set them by the door. As I looked at everything it felt so final. My stomach started to do flips as I realized what I was doing. I started to have second thoughts. And Sully could tell by my nervous pacing and the way that I picked at my food that something was wrong.
"You're not coming with me are you?"
"You…you don't know how many times I turn it over and over in my mind, Sully. It just doesn't seem like the right thing."
"For who?" he whispered.
"For anyone. They'll never be able to live through the talk. And Robert, Robert will never be able to get to his arms around this. It will break him in half and he doesn't deserve that. He never hurt anyone in his entire life." She looked down as she placed her hands in her lap.
'But he hurt you Michaela," Sully tried to make her see. He took her hand into his. "What kind of husband doesn't tell his wife that he loves her? What kind of man doesn't tell you you're beautiful? Michaela look at you. Look inside of you. It hurts me inside to think you had to go your entire life without people saying these things to you. Besides, Robert can move on. People move on. He doesn't deserve you!"
"Sully you don't understand, his family has had this farm for over 100 years. Robert doesn't know how to live anywhere else. And my kids…"
"There practically grown, and you said they barely talk t' ya."
"Yes, well they don't say much. But Sully their my babies. And Elizabeth is going to be fifteen soon and she's going to be finding all of this out for herself. She's going to fall in love and she's going to try to build her life with someone. If I leave what does that say to her?"
"W-what about us?" Sully's voice began to tremble.
"You have to know deep down once we leave everything will change between us."
"Yes, it will get better," he tried to make her see.
"Sully, no matter how much distance we put between us and this house I….I'll carry it with me and every moment we're together I will start to blame loving you for how much it hurts." Michaela watched the wax as it dripped down the candle and Sully began to rub his hand up and down her arm causing tears to come to her eyes. "And soon…soon these four beautiful days will just seem like something sorted and a mistake."
"Michaela," Sully's heart went out to her. "Do you think what happened with us just happens to anyone? What we feel…what we feel for each other. We're hardly two separate people anymore. Some people search their whole lives for this and never find it. Others don't even think it exists. Are you going to tell me this is the right thing to do? Give up?"
Tears started to pour from Michaela's eyes. "We are the choices that we have made, Sully."
Looking into her eyes Sully got up from the table and looked out the window.
"You don't understand. You see. Nobody understands that when a woman makes a choice to marry and have children in one way her life begins and in another…it stops. You build a life of details and you just stop and stay steady so your children can move and they take your life and the details with them. You're expected to move on again but, don't even remember what it is that moved you because no body has asked you in so long. Not even yourself." Michaela felt Sully's hand on her shoulders and she began to break down harder and the sobs just racked her body in two. "You never think," she sighed. "You never think that love like this could happen to you." She brought her arms up to caress Sully's as the tears blurred her vision.
"But now you have it."
"And now I want to keep it forever. I want to love you right now like I do for the rest of my life," she got up. "But if we leave we lose it. And I can't make an entire life disappear to start a new one." Michaela clasped her hands before her and closed her eyes, her head falling back to face the ceiling. She tried to speak but the tears were almost two much. "All I can do is try…try to hold on to what it was, somewhere in side of me. And… and you have to help me. You have to help me, Sully." She held her arms out as he walked toward him and clasped his cheeks. "You have to help me."
Sully engulfed her in his arms and squeezed her to his body. He held her tightly as the tears pour down his cheeks. "Don't do this. Don't do this to us. Don't throw this away." Michaela pulled away just enough to look into his eyes. Sully kept a firm grasp on her waist. "Maybe you feel this way and maybe you don't. Maybe it's just because you're in this house. Maybe tomorrow when they come back you'll feel differently. Don't you think that's possible?"
Michaela fell back into the chair. "I…I don' know."
"Look I'm going to be here a few more days. We don't have to talk about this now."
"Sully, don't….don't do this," she swallowed hard.
"I don't want to say goodbye right now. We don't have to make that decision. Maybe you'll change your mind. We could see each other and you'll change your mind."
"Yes," she started to sob again even harder. "And if that happens you'll have to decide because I can't!" Michaela wrapped her arms around Sully's waist and cried, cried harder than she had ever before. Sully dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around her shoulders and showered her face with kisses trying to convey his love and support. She started to kiss him back but then it became to overwhelming for her and she squirmed out of his embrace. And that's when Sully knew it was time. Getting up he started to walk toward the door but then he stopped and turned around. Michaela could only see his outlined shadow in the darkness.
"I'm only going to say this once," he told her. "I've never said it before. This kind of certainly only comes but once in a life time." And with that he turned back around and walked out the kitchen door.
Michaela closed her eyes and clutched her stomach bending over in pain. Sobs emitted from her mouth as she felt her tears touch her bare feet. She started to shake at the pain that was running through her body. Never had she known such pain. "Sully!" she cried jumping up from her chair she ran into the kitchen pushing open the screen down and out onto the porch. She ran to the sidewalk as she watch Sully's wagon race bye. She didn't say anything. She stood at the foot of the drive way her body heaving up and down as he disappeared into the darkness.
I never went to sleep that night. I never stopped crying. I didn't know it was possible to cry so much. I just couldn't stop. I just couldn't. I got up early and cleaned the house. I put away everything that reminded me of Sully in the trunk. You may not believe it but the picture Sully painted of me I wrapped it in a bed sheet and put it into the trunk before I stuffed it into the oversized envelope. I never saw it. Not once. Because I knew I would never look as happy as I did in that picture. After I finished cleaning the house I went to the front door to catch a breath of fresh air and that's when I saw your wagon coming toward the house. You came home and with that my life if details.
A day or two passed and with each thought of him a task would present itself like a lifesaver pulling me further and further away from those four days. I was grateful, I felt safe. One morning your father and I rode into Augusta to get some groceries. As we were heading back home it started to rain. Robert was still in the store while I waited in the wagon and that's when I saw Sully. He was standing in the middle of the busy street, in the rain, just staring at me. Even though it was raining I could tell…he was crying. I moved over in my seat to get a better look at him. He smiled at me and then turned around hopping onto his wagon.
Soon your father jumped into our wagon and for a split second I didn't know where I was and for a moment the thought crossed my mind that he didn't want me and it was easy to walk away. It was so busy in town and some how our wagon ended up behind Sully's as we waited for people to cross the street and traffic to slow. I watch Sully as he reached over to get something off the floor of the wagon. A movement he had done eight days ago and his arm had brushed across my leg. A week ago I had been in town buying a new dress. Slowly I watched as Sully put a chain around his neck. It was my medallion. Roberts' voice rang in my ears causing me to break from my dream.
"I think that man in front of us is that photographer everyone's been talking about."
Michaela quickly shut her eyes holding them tight. She held her breath.
"What's he waiting for?" Robert looked around. "The roads clear."
Michaela clutched onto the side rail of the wagon. She inched closer to the edge ready to jump off at any second. Wild thoughts crossed her mind. She wanted to jump off and run into Sully's wagon. She wanted to yell to him. She wanted to yell she loved him. She wanted to ride off into the sunset with him. Tighter and tighter she gripped the rail.
"Come on!" Robert yelled. "Let's go!"
Michaela could feel her legs slowly lifting her body off the seat. Her knuckles were turning white from clutching so hard. And that's when she saw Sully slap the reigns thrusting his horses onward turning in the opposite direction that they were going. Her hand dropped from the side rail and fell limply to her side. "Oh no," she whispered.
The words were inside of her. I was wrong, Sully. I was wrong to stay. I was wrong. I can't go. Let me tell you again why I can't go. Tell me again why I should go.
Michaela felt his words coming back to her. Certainly like this only comes once in a life time. Michaela choked back a sob as she closed her eyes.
"What's wrong Michaela?" Robert looked to her. "Will you please tell me what's wrong with you?"
"I just need a minute, Robert." Michaela continued to let the tears roll from her eyes. "I just need a minute."
Shaking his head he looked back toward the road and continued to drive home.
By the time we got home the rain had stopped. Robert went straight to the barn and I went into the house. I dropped the basket full of groceries onto the table and turned into the little corner between the kitchen and dining room. I laid my head against the wall and cried. It was like the night before, I couldn't make my tears stop.
I was grateful for the silence that night. I learned that love won't obey our expectations. Its mystery is pure and absolute. What Sully and I had could not continue if we weren't together. What Robert and I shared would vanish if we were apart. But how I wanted to share this. How would our lives changed if we had? Would any one else see the beauty of what we shared?
Epilogue
I few days later I went to visit Sarah Richardson. The woman that had the affair with Mrs. Delany's husband. We became very good friends. I felt so sorry for her. The entire town despised her and shunned her. It was something that Sully never wanted me to go through. It's funny though because it was three years before I told her about Sully. But being with Sarah some how made me feel it was safe to think about him-to continue loving him.
I remember the day your father was lying on his death bed. I was down stairs when I heard him start to cough. I raced up their stairs so I could give him his medicine.
"Here. I'm here. You're okay. Here." She let him drink the cool liquid. "Drink it slowly."
Robert did as he was told and laid back down on the pillows sighing in relief.
"Better?" she stroked back his hair. "Mmm…"
"Y-yes…"
Getting up and setting the glass on the table Michaela moved around the bed she got into it next to Robert. She laid her hand on his chest and listened to his breathing.
"M-michaela."
"Mmm…"
"I just wanna say that I know you had your own dreams. I'm sorry I couldn't give them to you. I love you so very much," he sighed.
Michaela grabbed onto his hand and held it tight. "I know."
After your father died I tried to get in touch with Sully. But he had left the national parks business. No one seemed to know where he was. My only connections to him were the places that we had been. So each year on my birthday I would revisit them. And then one day I received a letter from his attorney and a package. It was a rather large crate. After I finally got it open the first thing I saw inside was Sully's camera. I couldn't help but laugh. I remember Sully telling me that he was going to be buried with it. Next I found a national parks magazine with his picture on the cover. Inside were all of the pictures he had taken when in Maine. He had called his article "Four Days," and it was dedicated to, "M." And inside of the first page was the note I left tacked to the tree the night I wanted to meet him. There was an envelope on top of the book and it had my name on it. Inside was a letter Sully wrote to me and as I tipped the envelope upside down my medallion slipped out and landed in my hand. He had returned it to me.
There has not been a day since that I have not thought of him when he said we were no longer two people. He was right. We were bound together as tightly as two people can be. If it wasn't for him I don't think I could have lasted all those years on the farm. After reading all this I hope you can understand my burial request. I gave my life to my family-- I wish to give Sully what is left of me.
I gave Sarah, Sully's photography magazine. If you want, take a look. If my words still leave some things unclear perhaps those pictures will illuminate what I could not. Because that's what a photographer does best. I love you both with all my heart. Do what you have to do to be happy in this life. There is so much beauty. Go well my children.
………………………………………
Elizabeth and Jonathan found themselves back in the homestead as they finished reading their mothers second journal. "That's it," Elizabeth closed the journal as a single tear fell from her eye. "That's so sad. She never got to see him again."
Jonathan placed his hand on his sisters shoulder. "She's with him now."
"You think so?"
"Yes," he said resolutely.
Elizabeth looked back in the trunk and something caught her eye.
"What is it?" Jonathan asked.
"It's a news paper clipping," she scanned it over. "It's his obituary." Elizabeth began to read it over. "Jonathan! His name, it…it was Byron!"
Jonathan's eyes turned wide. "That was the name she said before she died. Remember we had no idea what she was saying. She just kept saying it over and over again."
"Oh Mother," Elizabeth shook her head. "You gave up so much." Elizabeth and Jonathan remained silent till they heard the chiming of their mothers grandfather clock. "It's midnight," Elizabeth rubbed her eyes.
"We better go to bed," he got up. "We have a big day tomorrow."
"It will be strange sleeping in our old rooms," Elizabeth's mouth turned up in a grin like her mothers.
Jonathan shook his head in agreement. "You're right."
……………………………………………..
Elizabeth, Jonathan, and Sarah rented a small boat and coasted up to the Haut. It was bitterly cold but no one seemed to mind. It was Elizabeth's idea to invite Sarah. She was the only other person who knew her mothers secret and she felt that she should be there. The first thing that Sarah gave to Elizabeth and Jonathan was Sully's magazine article. And for the first time they were able to place a face with their mothers past.
"He's rather handsome," Elizabeth told Sarah.
"That he is," she smiled. "Well over here," she pointed under a tree to two head stones.
"Sully's buried here too?" Jonathan was shocked.
"Uh-huh," Elizabeth shook her head.
They all watched as the men lowered their mothers casket in the ground. A calm silence surrounded them.
"I didn't know she had this all planned. She had the headstone picked and everything," Elizabeth shook her head.
Sarah took her hand. "She wanted to do this for herself. For the first time in her life she made her own decision and followed her heart."
"She deserved it," both Elizabeth and Jonathan said in unison.
"Here ya are ma'am," the grave digger handed Elizabeth the shovel.
"Thank you," she took it from him.
Elizabeth moved over to the mound of dirt and sprinkled it on her mothers' casket. "Goodbye Mother, and thank you for sharing your life with us. Thank you for being my Mother and…and I hope you are up there with Sully. I hope you spend forever with him." Elizabeth handed the shovel to her brother and dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief.
"I was mad at first Mother, but I grew to understand and I want you to know that I now know why you did what you did. I'm glad that you found someone out there to love you like how you deserved to be loved. I know Elizabeth and I might not have showed you or told you how much you meant to us but you were our world Mother, you were everything to us. We love you." Jonathan tried hard to fight back his tears. "You can rest now. You can rest knowing that we love you and we will never, ever forget you."
Elizabeth put her arms around her brother hugging him. "Never ever," she smiled.
Both Elizabeth and Jonathan placed their hands on the marble stone. "Goodbye Mother."
Michaela Raeburn
Loving wife, mother, friend
February 14th 1833- December 7th 1900
Love is a certainty that only comes but once in a life time.
