Those Three Guys
A Dragonball oneshot
By
EvilFuzzy9
Rating: K+
Genre: Humor
Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]
Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... theoretically... aims to remedy that.
Mai let out a girlish yelp when the tiger leaped out from the brush.
"AAAAH! GET AWAY!" she squealed, drawing a gun and shooting.
Bullets pinged off of the tiger's nose, not seeming to do any visible damage. The large cat recoiled nonetheless, yowling in a deep bass and flinching as if pained.
"RAAAWR!" it said. In tiger, this meant: "Ow, that hurt!"
...or, "Hah! That tickles. I didn't even feel a thing, you arrogant fool! Not even a scratch on me."
...or even, "Hello, sir, might I interest you in a new model of vacuum cleaner?"
... ... ...It was a very nuanced language.
But whatever the tiger meant to say, it scampered off nonetheless. Even though none of the bullets had actually penetrated its hide.
Mai let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.
"Th-that was close..." she murmured, pale and shivering. Despite the fact that she managed to find a military-style overcoat in her size, Mai nonetheless appeared to be visibly shaken. "It's lucky that tiger was just a door-to-door salesman, or I might have been in serious trouble."
The fact that there were no doors in this jungle for the tiger to go 'door-to-door' to did not seem to cross her mind.
Ferns and palm fronds shifted behind Mai, a faint rustling sound that caught the nervous lass by surprise. Snap, went a single twig underfoot, and she spun around, brandishing her gun. She was on edge, and her finger was nervously twitching just above the trigger.
"S-Stay back, or I'll sh-sh-shoot!" she stammered anxiously, obviously jumpy.
The displacement of foliage came closer, leaves starting to rustle nearer and nearer to the dark-haired former adult. She squeaked out a few more warnings, white as a sheet, but her threats went unheeded by this stalking menace.
At the last possible minute, with the rustling foliage nearly right on top of her, Mai saw the shadowy figure in the bushes.
"AIEEEEEE! GO AWAY!"
With that shriek, Mai emptied her cartridge into the silhouette in the bushes. The retort of repeated gunshots echoed in the jungle, birds cawing and taking flight from their roosts in surprise at the return of this noisome disturbance. Brass casings vanished into the thick, ever-present undergrowth.
She pulled the trigger a few more times before realizing that she was out of bullets. The trigger clicked near-silently under her finger, but that minuscule bit of sound seemed deafening compared to the sudden silence.
A second later, however, the quiescence of now-absent birds and beasts was usurped by a high pitched, nasally whine.
"Owwwww! Mai, you jerk!"
Emperor Pilaf staggered out of the bushes, clutching his forehead. Mai could glimpse the beginnings of a bruise under his fingers.
"Oh... it's you," Mai said, a sheepish blush creeping into her cheeks. She bowed low, tucking the empty gun back in its concealed holster. "I thought you were another unwanted solicitor."
Pilaf glared at his female underling.
"You're just lucky guns are completely useless!" he snapped. "If that had been a punch, I might have gotten seriously hurt."
He continued rubbing his sore spot, wincing and whinging.
A/N: It's amusing how ineffective guns are in Dragonball – apparently, in that universe "peashooter" is a very literal term. XP
...and, yes, I know that only holds true for individuals with high enough power levels, but honestly, if you try and suss out the relative physics behind what can and can't hurt people in that universe, you will seriously hurt your head – especially early on in the series, when ordinary humans can still be strong enough to pose something of a threat.
Updated: 8-26-14
TTFN and R&R!
– — ❤
