A/N: Here's hoping you are enjoying your LTIH Christmas 2015 fix. All the usual thank yous and appreciations. Now on to Chapter 4.

Chapter 4- When You and I were…"We."

A week has past since the Lawrence rant and the subsequent disagreement between Caroline and Kate. To assume all things now are rosy and bright for Caroline and Kate would be optimistic at best. Caroline's decision not to go to America has ripped at the heart of both women. Though they've attempted to put it all behind them and of course still deeply love each other there remains an ever present divide between the two of them that is yet to be bridged.

Now is the early hour of the morning that should find Caroline fast asleep peacefully resting beside her wife- versus being all alone, versus pretending to be hard at work. She is instead idling away the time in her home office, rehashing events of a week ago. Wondering how everything went so very wrong. Wondering if she's blown it…again. Afraid to death that what she had has had a great fall and all the king's horses and all the king's men won't be able to put it back together again.

She has tried; Caroline tells herself, numerous times to make amends- to bring their relationship back to the way it was. But Kate though obliging enough remains aloof- silently intimating the inner struggle she is having.

Caroline recalls, two days ago, her last attempt to recapture that certain je ne sais quoi that once dominated their relationship but now falters after the Lawrence rant.

"Can we talk, Kate? I don't like what's been happening for the last few days. And I think Flora is sensing the tension between us."

"Well you yourself said she was precocious, Caroline." Kate was too smart to rise to the bait.

"Takes after you." It was manipulative flattery to get on the right side of Kate.

"Caroline, if what you're trying to do is charm your way back in my good graces- it's not necessary. You know as well as I do Flora is just fine.

"Your daughter might be fine but your wife's not. Don't you miss me…us…"

"Caroline, You sound as if you've been banished to the outback."

"Well, I might as well be. Seems I've put you right off wanting to….be….with me."

"Is that what bothers you the most, Caroline?" It was an unfair question- sex just happens to be one small part of "the everything" that bothers Caroline about their present state of marriage.

"I got you something…there's a big bouquet of flowers waiting for you downstairs. Your favourite. Want to come see?" Oh, how she was trying, our Caroline, to win back her Kate. To return the relationship to the way it was before the Lawrence rant. To rekindle all what was lost.

"You didn't have to do that, Caroline."

"Kate I am sorry for how I said what I said- well actually, sorry for what I said…really. I…I misspoke. And you were…are right. I shouldn't have made any decisions without talking to you first. That was wrong- stupid on my part. I do value your opinion. I do think of you as my partner. My very intelligent, wonderful partner. I do hope you know that. And as for my mother- she- she didn't…cajole me into making any kind of decision. The day she came round, spieling off her opinionated twaddle- I took it with a pinch of salt. It was me...I arrived at the decision all on my own."

What Caroline did not know or may never come to know was that it was always Celia, on all matters, who influenced Caroline's decisions whether directly or subliminally. And it had been that way for Caroline's whole life.

Caroline lived her entire life endeavouring to please her mother; endeavouring to be on the right side of her mother's opinion of her; endeavouring to live up to the lofty ideas and noble expectations her mother set for her during the early days of her youth. And, for the most part, in her attempt to live up to those ideas, those expectations- Celia's dogma - Caroline always ended up paying a price so dearly…so very dearly.

"Kate. I...I know now I should've… but to come to the point- I didn't…so. ..Look, I don't want to spend Christmas without you and Flora. Good Lord, I'd be totally lost without the two of you." Caroline was contrite, earnest in spirit, wanted only for Kate to believe her. Wanted only for Kate to change her mind about going to New York without her.

"So does that mean you've come full circle and want to go to New York now?" There was an aggressive overtone of sarcasm in Kate's question. The sting of disappointment had not yet dissipated, entirely.

"We can fly to New York end of half term I'll take extra time off…Flora will be that much older and be able to better appreciate the visit. We could turn the trip into a…"

"No, Caroline. I've accepted your decision now it's time you accept mine. I'm taking my daughter to see her grandmother at Christmas. My mother is looking forward to seeing us and I don't intend to disappoint her. It just wouldn't be fair. Besides it's not as if Flora sees her grandmother every day."

Kate had to turn away. Her eyes were becoming moist and she feared that teardrops may come at any time and betray her…let Caroline know her supposed unflinching determination to go to New York without her grew weaker and weaker by the minute. Caroline was the last person in the world she wanted to spend one day not being with…let alone Christmas day. Even being upset with Caroline was better than not being with her.

"Caroline, please…I've got a hundred and one things I have to do before we leave. So, if you'll excuse me." It was a little white lie; intended to get Caroline to leave.

"Right…okay…. Umm…If…if …umm you need me…to…to help you with anything. I'll be just … downstairs." Caroline came with heart in hand and left dejected. But unbeknownst to Caroline as soon as the bedroom door shut Kate flung herself onto the bed and wept.

Christmas would not be Christmas without Caroline by her side. But there was nothing either Kate or Caroline could do to change the situation. Not now. Kate had her mother to think about, Flora too. It would be just unthinkable to cancel the trip at this late date; her mother would be totally devastated. After all the plans she had made; after all the expense she'd taken on. No, Kate had no other choice but to go. And as for Caroline going to New York, that was out of the question now, too. She had Lawrence to tend to virtually all by herself- wouldn't you know it. John was missing in action (hadn't quite got the hang of being one of the grown-ups).

Lawrence's sulking and difficult behaviour demanded Caroline's attention, both at home and at school. It was almost like he was on a mission to make his mother's life as miserable as he could. He didn't think twice about Caroline's situation- the shit storm he'd incited. Nor seemingly, did he care about the damage he may be causing to his mother's marriage. He was a hard one to figure out- that one, Caroline's Lawrence. But no matter what, Caroline loved him to bits- unconditionally.

So, all in all Caroline and Kate were left in a no win situation. And a strained relationship. And no matter how much they wanted to be together both physically and mentally it just wasn't happening. That is why Kate cried herself to sleep that night. That is why that night Caroline laid in bed silently with a heavy heart while unrestrained tears of sadness, tears of regret spilled freely from her eyes. And that is why they sleep with their backs towards each other. Pining for what once was.

After Caroline's thoughts had transitioned from past to present she glances down and reads the sheet of paper in front of her. Her eyes are wet with tears. She has written the words of William Shakespeare: "Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." It's followed by Kate's name underscored and written three times suffixed by an exclamation mark and XXX.

Caroline wipes away her tears; closes her eyes; begins to reminisce of a past Christmas- a very special Christmas. The Christmas when Kate took her hand. Lead her to the dance floor and they swayed to the music of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow." It was….Incontrovertibly, the best Christmas of her life. Incontrovertibly, the best Christmas of Kate's life. But that was then and this is now.

If time spins round again well then I'll choose brighter days when You and I were…"We."

To be continued…

End Note: Sorry if there is no happiness in this chapter but for every action there is a consequence even for C&K. But remember, it ain't over until the fat lady sings.