Sorry for the late upload.
Duty calls.
I'll try to upload much much faster next time. Thank your very much for waiting.
Please do not kill me because of the grammar. _
Disclaimer: Bleach, and the characters described and used were not all mine.
To the unknown!
...
Awake
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything
...
I woke up from the faint laughter from afar.
Laughter that probably came from some students playing somewhere. They sounded really happy.
I sighed as I slowly opened my eyes and was greeted by the light that was coming from the window that was covered by those white see-through curtains.
I frowned.
I looked around; I almost thought that I was at the hospital, again. But this place looked so familiar.
Oh, how could I forget?
This place, I always go here, every two weeks to fix my bruises and wounds.
The Infirmary.
I slowly sat up, only to be halted by a hand that was currently holding mine. I think my cheeks immediately reddened after seeing who owns that hand.
It was Grimmjow.
He was sitting on a chair, his head resting on the bed that I was currently laying in to, one arm comfortably acting as his pillow, and the other, holding my hand.
I swallowed the liquid that was now building at the back of my throat.
He looked so relaxed, and peaceful.
I think my heart skipped a beat.
My other hand slowly reached over and brushed those few strands of hair that was now covering his forehead.
My God, this man is so sinful.
I never imagined myself falling in love with this guy. Our start is not a good one. Even the following encounters were all not worth the memories. But still, I end up falling hard.
Those smiles, the grins, the cool demeanour, the calming presence, and those blue eyes. Everything about him sends me to the edge without any hopes of coming back. It was like knowing that you'll be damned, but you still look forward to it.
As time pass by, I just noticed myself looking forward on each day of our encounter.
Because those were the only time where I'm allowed to touch him.
I also look forward to our quiet time, but unlike our encounters, I can only stay beside him, and bathe myself with the heat that was coming from his body.
It was pathetic.
But I can't help it. I love the man.
And it tears me apart whenever I see him with someone else.
I envy that blond girl that would freely touch him, back when we are still new to each other. I envy his team mates whenever he would play basketball, I envy his parents, I envy his relatives, I envy Neliel.
I wanna be with him so bad.
But it's impossible.
Why? Because I'm not the one that he loves.
Yeah, he doesn't love me.
Fuck, he might even hate fags like me for all I know. With that look of pity on his face that day, I'm sure that he despises me now.
So why is he holding my hand now?
He stirred, sighed, and then slowly raised his head to look at me with those ocean-deep blue eyes. And as if to defend myself from it, I immediately looked away, because seriously, I can feel my cheeks starting to warm up now, and it's going to be really bad for me.
"Yer' awake.."
I nodded. His voice is hoarse from sleeping. And God damn it.. It was so sexy.
"H-How do you feel now?"
I wanna laugh. He's trying his best to talk straight Japanese. And he sounded so ridiculous. I think a smile formed on my lips, then I heard the clattering of the chair that he was sitting on.
He's leaving. Oh My God, did I offended him?
Panic filled my head as I turned to face him again, but instead of seeing his retreating back, I was greeted by his body that was now on the act of sitting beside me.
I blushed. I tried to squirm away from him but he caught me and made me stay on the bed.
I sat there, dumbfounded, one of his arm around my back and firmly holding my shoulder as if I'll ran away any moment now.
"Stay still, you can't move that much, yer' blood pressure is very low."
I gulped.
No, not now, my blood pressure is definitely HIGH right now!
His hold softens after a few seconds, then he sighed.
I sighed too.
"You have to take care of yer'self, y'know? She told me yer' not eatin' prop'ly these days."
I think my eyebrow just rose, but was afraid of raising my head and be on direct firing range of those blue eyes.
In the end, my curiosity won.
Shit, can I change my mind?
I gathered my thoughts and asked who that "she" is.
He just frowned; it's very obvious that he talked too much, this made me more suspicious.
He reverted his eyes away, his hand slowly sliding down my back.
"Uhh, yer' sister. Yer' sister told me."
I scowled, it's very clear that he was hiding something, but, I don't want to ruin the atmosphere.
So I just sighed and looked down.
"Whatever."
I slid down, covered my body with bed sheet, then turned to face the widows on the other side of the room in an attempt to sleep again and avoid this situation.
"Are you mad?"
I wanna say No. I wanted to tell him that I'll never be mad with him.
But my eyes suddenly became so heavy.
So heavy that I need to struggle so hard just to stay awake.
I would've stood up just to rub off the sleepiness, but, it was like my strength and consciousness was being pulled away.
So I shook my head instead.
"I'm happy."
I can almost hear him smile with those words. I wanna smile too. Or talk to him more, if only this stupid sleepiness is not ruining my happiest moment.
I closed my eyes.
Itsygo...
Darkness.
...
...
My eyes suddenly flew open with a gasp, and I was greeted by darkness.
I think I heard myself groaned a few seconds ago. That's what woke me up I guess.
Then I felt it.
Shit.
The slow brushing of something soft on my back.
And that's when I noticed where, and what the hell is happening.
I was on a very dim room, which was being illuminated by that very familiar bedside lamp, lying face down on a soft bed, topless.
I immediately looked around and saw that I was holding my shirt tightly.
Then that someone behind me shifted and cornered me using both of his arms on both side of my head.
He pressed his body towards mine, that proof of his arousal rubbing on my ass. And what's more disturbing is that I moaned.
I, fucking moaned.
"N-Nel?"
I stiffened. Not only that I know that name that was called on me, and that she's fucking dead right now. But, I also know that voice. It was too familiar, fucking too familiar...
I crawled forward, away from him, and then I turned to face him.
I think my jaw just fell, and my eyes widened up. I can't believe this. I just can't.
"G-G-Grimmj-jow?"
He just stared back at me, he looked so.. puzzled.
I took my shirt and put it on quickly, then backed away from him until my back hits the headboard of his bed.
"What's happening here?! What am I doing here?! What the fuck are you doing to me?!"
Now all of those puzzled look are completely gone. His face looked so white as if he just saw a ghost.
"I-Ichigo?"
I think my blood just boiled.
"Who else! You asshole?!"
What does he mean by that? Is he expecting someone else?! That fucking asshole, do I look like a girl to him?!
Then I remembered, he called me Nel.
He fucking called me Nel!
My eyebrows furrowed.
He backed down too, stood up and sat on the edge of his bed, his back facing me. His elbows resting on his knees, he sighed loudly.
"Oi! Aren't you going to answer my questions?!"
"Please shut up.. I'm tryin' to think 'ere."
"What the fuck?"
Yeah, what the fuck.
"I woke up here in your room, with you attacking me from behind, shirtless, and with your prick poking my ass-"
"Oh for cryin' out loud Ichigo! Don' say that I'm poking yer' ass! I'm not fuckin' ya'...!"
I stiffened, because his voice was loud and authoritative. Then he sighed once more.
"...yet."
He added with a very low voice, but enough for me to hear.
My blood started to boiled again. I mean, that's a confirmation right? He is really going to fuck me!
But instead of releasing my anger, I willed myself to calm down.
Calmdown..
I sighed.
"Tell me what's happening here. The last time I remember, I'm in the infirmary..."
Sighs..
"Did you bring me here? Why are you calling me Nel?"
He grasped his hair using both of his hands as if he's going to lose it any moment now.
He sighed, a lot of times maybe. And I'm getting impatient. I mean, his sighs are not going to answer any of my questions right? So I asked him once more.
"Grimmjow?"
He groaned, then he sat up straight.
"Nel, Nel is inside you."
What?!
"I don' know how, but she said she can posses yer' body or somethin', honestly I don' understand."
Oh, she can posses me. Great.
I think my eyes just fell out of my eye sockets.
"What? W-W-Wha'd'ya mean?"
He sighed once more, then stood up, still not face me.
"Ya' heard me."
Snap.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! WHAT SHE CAN POSSES MY BODY?!"
He whirled and faced me with a very confuse slash angry slash annoyed look.
"DON'T FUCKIN' SHOUT AT ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND TOO!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT YOU STILL GONNA FUCK ME?! HUH?!"
I watched him furrowed his eyebrows as if I said something ridiculous. He started pacing around the room like he was willing himself to calm down, but he was angry. I can see it through his wild blue eyes.
Ridiculous. Hah. Fuck him! What gives him the right to be angry?! I'm the victim here! I have no idea what's happening! And then he'll just answer me with a fucking 'you heard me?' Fuck him! Seriously, fuck him.
"Don' talk shit on me Ichigo, don' talk as if this is not somethin' that you wanted. Jus' to remind ya' in case you already forgot, you confessed to me. Right?!"
It's my turn to furrow my eyebrows.
"What do you mean by that?"
It was strange that my voice sounded firm. To tell you the truth, I was expecting myself to shout back at him. I never felt this angry before.
It feels like my heart is now burning with white fire. So hot. Too hot.
It reminds me of that book where one of the description of humans transforming into a vampire is the great burning.
If only it was true.
But it's not. And I am not transforming into a vampire right now.
Much worst, I am being treated like I'm desperate by the man that I truly love.
This sucks. Life really sucks. Now, all that I have to do is to wait for myself to die.
I stood up, gathered my things and walked towards the door.
"Where are ya' goin'?"
I didn't answer. I grabbed the door knob and opened the door.
"I'M ASKIN' YA' WHERE THE FUCK ARE YA' GOIN'?!"
I faced him, my eyes are getting cloudy again, so I used my free hand to wipe those liquid away.
"You know what Grimmjow? FUCK YOU!"
I saw his expression change from anger to somewhere close to being scared.
But I don't care anymore.
I mean, why should I? He doesn't even care about how I would feel.
In fact, I think I can understand it now.
All of those times that he was being nice to me, the protectiveness, the warmth, it was all for Neliel.
I wiped my tears away again then walked out of the room, then went to the main door and put on my shoes. After I finished putting my shoes on, grabbed my bag and went out of the house.
It was then that I allowed myself to cry. The tears fell down freely like waterfalls, clouding my vision, making it difficult for me to breath.
I sighed, trying my best to hold back the sobs that are now forming at the back of my throat.
Itsygo.. I'm.
I gasped.
It figures. I can understand it now.
I sighed and started walking back towards my home when someone suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me.
"YE'R NOT GOIN' ANYWHERE DUMMY"
Dummy? Hah. So I'm dummy now huh? Yeah, these past few days, he never called my name.
Fuck it, if I stay here more, I'm afraid I'll broke down to pieces.
So I pulled my hand back and face him. Faced that face that I've been fantasizing all these time. Those blue eyes that's been hunting my dreams. The man, that will never be mine.
"I will go anywhere that I want Grimmjow. In fact, I will not go home tonight."
I tried to smile and sound sarcastic on that one, I hope I succeeded.
"I know that you're angry at me, and that It's my fault that Neliel is dead now. And I am sorry for that."
I saw his eyebrows furrowed. I continued.
"But I am not her substitute. And I will never be."
I sniffed.
"You're right, I loved you. Hear that? Yeah it's all in the past now."
I stepped closer, pointing to his chest.
"I'm okay with you not paying attention to me, fuck, I'm even okay with you hating me, But I can't do this. Because I can't continue loving a man that will only give me attention because of his dead girlfriend."
I spit each word with venom. Venom that was now flowing on my veins ruining my very own existence.
I turned and started walking away again. My tears flowing once more, but I didn't heard any pursuit.
"You said yer' not goin' home. Are you goin' to Ichimaru's house?"
I stopped, wiped my tears away and faced him again.
He just shrugged, but even a child could tell that he's in pain.
God, I wanna run towards him now. I wanna run and hug him tight and say that I'm just kidding. That my love for him will never disappear. I wanna kiss him and prove it to him with my touches. But that firm look on his eyes stopped me.
Right, I'm not the one that he wants. It's not me, it's Neliel.
So I shrugged back, looking away. Anywhere but him.
"Yeah, maybe. Maybe, I could even let him fuck me."
I added a grin on that. And that firm look, was suddenly replaced by horror.
I kept on saying to myself to not be fooled. That that horror is not for me. It was for Neliel.
For Neliel.
What the fuck did I do on my previous life to be hurt like this? Did I bully Neliel on my previous life that she just has to burden me so much even though she's already dead?!
Fuck, it was so painful. It was like something is trying to claw it's was out of my chest.
I can't stand that pained look anymore.
I turned around once more.
"Ichigo, yer' not goin' to do that right? Ichigo please tell me that yer' not goin' to do that.."
I shivered.
My heart is now shouting at me.
Turn around! Go to him! Run to him Ichigo!
I listened for my brain.
And he was quiet.
Am I that easy? Should I turn around and run to him now?
The answer is easy.
No.
I sighed, and straightened my back.
"Maybe, maybe not. Who knows?"
I started walking away. My ear trying to listen for footsteps on that cold pavement, but there were none.
I tried my best not to look back. And it was hard.
It was like denying yourself to breath. Like starving yourself even though the food is there. It was something automatic, but I'm trying my best to not do it.
Every step is as heavy as hell, like I'm trying to defy gravity.
Then suddenly, something was wrapped around my body.
"Ichigo please.. Don' do this to me.."
Honestly, I tried to laugh. But nothing came out of my mouth.
This is want I wanted from the start right? Why am I trying my best to push him away now?
I don't understand myself anymore.
I held his arms that were now restraining me to further walk away. Then I slowly tried to free myself from it.
"Let's not try to fool ourselves here Grimmjow. We all know that I'm not the one that you really want here. I'm not the one that you needed."
I sniffed.
"I think you're not even going to pay attention to me after that confession, if it wasn't for Neliel."
I wiped my tears again then I sighed.
His hug tightened.
"N-No.. Yer' wrong-
Yes I'm wrong, and it's all too much now. So before he could even finish his sentence, I used all of my strength and freed myself from him.
".. I wish Grimmjow.. I wish."
I started walking again. A bit fast actually. I'm so afraid that he would catch up again and he would stop me again. Because seriously, I'm a hundred percent sure that I'll go back running towards him, with just the sound of his voice calling my name.
The quick walk was immediately replaced by running. I ran, and ran and ran without any idea of where I'm going. All that I know is that I need to get away from him.
So I was a bit surprised when I found out where I am.
Gin's house.
Maybe because Grimmjow's words got stuck inside my head. And so I unconsciously followed it.
I tried to catch my breath as I approach the house but I failed. The sobs are now suffocating me.
I pushed the door bell.
Once, twice, thrice, then someone opened the door.
"Ichi?"
Gin's puzzled face greeted me. But the puzzled look was immediately replaced by worry.
"Gin, who is it?"
Someone from inside called out. Of course I know who that man is.
It was Aizen, Gin's father.
"Umm, uh, it was Ichigo. I got this!"
He stepped out of the house and walked towards me and my breathing escalated. I can no longer hide the sobs.
"G-Gin.."
Gin grabbed my shoulder and immediately hugged me tight.
"Hush.. It's okay Ichi.. Cry. Cry it all out."
And with those few words, I let lose myself.
...
Thank you for reading.
