SCENE 7:

Moments later, Picard, Data, and Worf arrived on the bridge of the Enterprise. A Borg ship hangs ominously in the empty void in front of them.

Riker: Sir, the Borg has returned.

Wesley: I think I like them better as a banana split.

Worf: Captain, we are being probed.

Picard: All hands, battle stations. Shields up, Mr. Worf.

Worf: (pause) Sir, the computer is not responding.

Riker: Is the Borg interfering with our defense systems?

Data: Negative, sir. It seems that the computer is ... busy. We are only getting 15 percent CPU time.

Picard: Busy?

Worf: Confirmed, sir. Our shields are now activated.

Picard: Arm everything you have, Mr. Worf. I want you to dump them all at my signal.

Worf: Yes sir!

Meanwhile, on the way to the Presidential Detention Suite ...

Ford: Hey! Careful with that phaser!

Ensign 1: Resistance is useless!

Ford: Well, you don't have to have that thing glued to my back all the time.

Ensign 2: Resistance is useless!

Arthur: What about my tea?

Ensign 1: Resistance is useless!

Computer: (from one of its speakers) Tea synthesization in progress. CPU time, 87.9 percent. Estimated completion time, fifteen minutes.

Ensign 2: Resistance is useless!

The red alert klaxon sounds throughout the corridors of the Enterprise. The call "All hands, battle stations" goes out, slightly bewildering the two ensigns ...

Ensign 1: Battle stations? Do you think that includes us?

Ensign 2: No way. We have direct orders from the Captain to escort these prisoners to the brig.

Ford: (realizing his opportunity to cause some dissension) Sure, you guys get all of the easy work while your Captain sweats it out on the bridge.

Ensign 1: What was that crack supposed to mean?

Ford: Oh, nothing, nothing at all.

Ensign 2: We didn't think so.

Ford: Well, I'm just saying that maybe Captain Picard realizes that the two of you just aren't up to manning battle stations...

Zaphod: (whispering harshly) Ford!

Ford: (ignoring Zaphod) ... and that is why you were given the relatively simple task of escorting us to the brig.

Ensign 2: Oh, yeah? I'll have you know that we happen to be pretty tough customers for a Federation starship.

Ensign 1: That's right. There was a time on Damascus when we had to stun a whole room of aliens with our phasers.

Ensign 2: Yeah, we can get rough if we have to, so don't force us to do anything unpleasant.

Ford: Sounds pretty tough to me. How about you, Arthur?

Arthur: Hmmm? Oh, yes, terribly so. I certainly wouldn't want to get on their bad side.

Ford: (after a pause) How can we be sure that you're really capable of stunning us though? Those phasers of yours look pretty small for such work.

Ensign 2: Hey, do you want us to stun you or what?

Ford smiles one of those smiles that makes other people feel that there is something horribly wrong with Things In General. After three more steps, the group of prisoners enters the middle of an intersection of

two corridors. Another pair of security guards turn the corner just as Ford says ...

Ford: Stun me.

Ensign 1: (firing) You asked for it, bud!

OOO


SCENE 8:

Somewhere on their way to the Presidential Detention Suite, Ford has prompted Ensign One to fire his phaser at him, just as two other security guards turn the corner in front of them ...

Ford hits the ground and rolls back past the two ensigns. Ensign 1 accidentally stuns one of the security guards. The other guard immediately jumps the ensign.

Zaphod: Follow Ford, everyone!

Zaphod, Arthur, and Trillian race after Ford as Ensign Two emerges from the scuffle.

Ensign 2: I'm setting my phaser to 'evaporate,' Beeblebrox! Now surrender in the name of the United Federation of Planets!


OOO

Voice of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: This is a good time to pause and review a section of what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has to say about the United Federation of Planets:

There are several important things to remember when dealing with officers of the United Federation of Planets. The first is that they always claim to be on peaceful missions, insisting that they will not use violent means to accomplish their goals. It invariably so happens, however, that one or two (or perhaps even an entire starship of personnel) get a bit overzealous in their tasks and feel by vaporizing a prisoner or two, if not entire planets. Starfleet Command is always rather understanding about these little mishaps, even when it violates their own Prime Directive. These incidents were usually hushed up appropriately, and passed off as accidents, as in the case of the sudden and unexpected supernova of the star Turas,

taking with it a few orbiting planets where Romulan ships were rumored to have been sighted.

The second important thing of note is that the United Federation of Planets is very big. Even a man like Zaphod Beeblebrox should not attempt to betray the Federation because no matter where in the known space and time he hides, the Federation is bound to find him there. In fact, if Zaphod Beeblebrox's brains were functioning correctly (e.g. he has not touched a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in at least 5,678.84 years), he might realize that the only reasonable way to escape the Federation is to paint himself pink, and then activate a Somebody Else's Problem Field about himself, whereupon the Federation would immediately cease to worry about him.

The third, and perhaps the most important, thing to remember about the United Federation of Planets in general, and Starfleet in particular, is that it is impossible to be served a decent Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on any of its starship, especially when it is a Klingon that is serving you the drink. Federation food synthesizers are not capable of getting just the proper kick into the drink which leads to certain problems, as Zaphod Beeblebrox is about to discover.

OOO


Trillian: We're almost back to the shuttle bay where the Heart of Gold is being kept!

They stopped at a crossroad where three corridors are leading straight through, to their left, and to their right. The group paused to catch their breath.

Arthur: So, (pant, pant) which way (pant) do we (pant) go?

Trillian: I believe, (pant) that we (pant) ...

Ensign Two rounded the corner behind them, and, stopping, yells:

Ensign 2: I've (pant, pant) I've got you (pant, pant) now, Beeble- (pant) Beeble- (pant) Beeblebrox!

Zaphod: (running to the left) This way!

Ford: (running to the right) This way!

Both Zaphod and Ford starts to run in their respective directions. They both paused. They both looked at each other. Panting, Ensign Two raises his phaser shakily.

Zaphod: We came this way.

Ford: No, we came this way.

They both paused again, in slight confusion. They look first at the other person's direction, then at their own direction. Both decides to agree with the other, and proceeds to run in the opposite directions again.

Arthur boggled.

Ensign Two, hands shaking wildly, takes aim at Beeblebrox and fires.

Trillian pulls Arthur down, neatly dodging the phaser fire that would have ceased his crave for tea forever. Ensign One rounds the same corner behind Ensign Two. Seeing Ensign Two too late and unable to stop himself,

Ensign One crashes into Ensign Two in a flurry of arms and legs.

Trillian: Here, this way!

Pulling Arthur behind her, Trillian runs down the corridor in front of them. Zaphod and Ford stared after her, shrugged, and followed.

Moments later, they arrived at the entranceway to Shuttle Bay Three.

Arthur: Let's just hope that security in there isn't as trigger happy as this ensign that has been chasing us through the last three levels...

Zaphod: Don't worry, Earthman. My brilliant plan has worked so far, hasn't it?

Ford: Your brilliant plan? I thought this was my brilliant plan.

Zaphod: Just read all about it in my memoirs, Ford. It's too long and complicated to explain right now, okay?

Trillian: (choosing this time to notice Marvin's disappearance) Say, guys, keep an eye out for Marvin. He must have been transported on this ship somewhere along with us...

Zaphod: Forget the Paranoid Android, willya kid? We can't keep worrying about where Marvin...

Zaphod suddenly stops cold.

Ford: What? Hey, Zaphod, what's the problem?

Zaphod: I feel ... very depressed at this moment.

Trillian: What?

Zaphod: Not just this moment, but I will feel depressed at every moment consecutive to this one as well...

Ford: Snap out of it, Zaphod. You're beginning to sound like Marvin.

Arthur: ...and that horrible smell. What is it?

Surprisingly, Zaphod is still holding the empty glass that once held his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Trillian snatched the glass from him. The horrible smell is very obviously coming from it.

Trillian: Oh, no! Zaphod's drink wasn't mixed properly! It caused a chemical imbalance in his brains so that when he heard Marvin's name he became chronically depressed!

Ford: What can we do?

Trillian: We have to get back to the Heart of Gold immediately. I can prepare an antidote there.

Ensign 2: (catching up again) You're right in front of the shuttle bay doors, but you're not getting the chance to go in!

Zaphod: How depressing. Here I am, the most important person in the galaxy, and I can't even get into a blasted shuttle bay.

The ensign attempts to shoot Zaphod, only to discover that his phaser had just run out of batteries ("Damn! Should've used Energizer!"). Trillian quickly ushers the others into the empty shuttle bay where they board the Heart of Gold.

OOO


Will the Enterprise be able to prevent its computer from making tea?

If they do, will Arthur be able to survive?

Will Picard defeat the Borg by reading them Shakespeare?

Will a towel ever come into this galactic saga?

Find out, on the next exciting episode of ...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!

OOO