EPOV:
"No. Jesus. I'm not doing this." I said as I pushed her away from me, mere seconds after it happened, but mere seconds too late. I'd still kissed her back. Shit.
"Aw come on, Eric, shy really doesn't suit you. No one has to know." She pouted with a coy smirk attached to her face.
"I would know. This isn't and shouldn't have happened Yvetta. Christ." I ran my hand through my hair, why was everything so suddenly just spinning out of control and into crap? I had to take control again.
I ordered her out of the office and into her own, I also gave her the two weeks notice she'd be needing to find herself something else, anywhere else. Needless to say she was pissed, but it had to be done. I couldn't believe I'd been so reckless.
I mean yes, I was bruised, I was a little broken up about how things were with Sookie and I, and I was lonely on top of it all. But did that give me the right to cheat on her? On us? As attractive as Yvetta was, and as willing and eager, she wasn't the woman I loved, and after all this time it was that tiny detail that made all the difference.
The only problem was, the woman I wanted, the woman I loved, seemingly didn't want me any more, and that was a huge problem.
Having successfully avoided Yvetta for the rest of the evening, I got home around midnight to find Sookie and Jessica curled up together with 'Little red riding hood' still in their hands. I watched them for a little while, Sookie's slow breaths, Jessica's little hand wrapped around hers, both of them at peace.
I didn't have the heart to wake either of them, nor did I really want to have to look Sookie in the eye in that moment, for I knew as soon as I did, I'd blurt out what I'd done…although not intentional, was still a byproduct of my unhappiness at how things were. I hated myself for feeling like this. I wanted so badly to set things back on the right track again, but that was the problem, I couldn't find the track - right or wrong, because it was buried underneath so much crap. That crap was something I'd have to start sorting through as soon as I could.
I took a long hot shower, in the hopes of ridding myself of the night and all it's problems, and I crawled into bed in one of the guest bedroom. Cold, lumpy and alone; that's all that room was as Sookie and my daughter slept in the next room, I fought with myself internally on what to do, or what not to do about how I was feeling, how to fix it, and more importantly just how was I going to explain myself to Sookie.
Invited or not, there was still a kiss. There was still that stupid moment of human weakness where there was this stunning woman that wanted to lavish me with the attentions I'd missed so much and I'd entertained the idea, if only for a second.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up again, there was this weight on my chest. Sookie was curled up next to me, asleep.
I shifted to check the time and realised it was just after six, in doing so, I managed to wake her up.
She pulled me into a hug before I could speak, and I just revelled in her being so close to me again.
"I'm sorry." She said, tears in her eyes, un-shed but from the looks of her eyes there had been plenty that had shed. "I'm so sorry, and I know I should have called you and said it today, or followed you and said it but I didn't and I'm sorry for that too. I am. But, I'm saying now and I'm meaning it now."
"Sook-"
"No, okay. you had every right to be mad at me, Eric. I mean I started thinking about everything and if you had of said that to me? I'd have chopped your balls off." She smiled through her wet tears. "So, I just… with everything that's going on right now I know we've slipped and mostly that's my fault because I keep pushing you away. I don't know why I think I can do everything by myself but I know now that I might be able to be a boss and run a business by myself but I can't run a relationship alone - and neither can you. We're a team, right?"
Why did she have to do this now? All I felt was overwhelming guilt that there she was laying there, offering up her bare soul to me in the form of apologies, and all I wanted to do was tell her what I'd done.
"It hasn't felt like it, not in a while."
"I know, and I take responsibility for its demise, I really do. And I want to fix it, because I love you."
She was absently stroking my arm as she spoke and when she finished she kissed me, really kissed me this time, not rushed or a peck or as if her mind was somewhere else. It felt wonderful, amazing even, it felt like it used to feel before everything got fucked.
"Jessica will be asleep for ages yet, she was up later than usual last night. We had a little talk, and you're right, she has been missing me too, I have so many things to start fixing up around here." She smiled at me before kissing me again, "But I think we should start with what we didn't finish yesterday? Hmm?"
Her lips trailed from my jaw to my neck, up to my ear and down again as her hands made their way to my boxers.
I grabbed her hand to stall her, "Sookie I have something I have to tell you."
"Okay… So tell me." She said, her face in my neck, I could feel her grin.
"I can't do this." I said, holding her hands, and staring at them, and that ring. It really did look beautiful on her dainty fingers.
"Sweetie, I know you're not twenty anymore but give it a minute…"
"Not it's not that, before I say it, I need you to know that I've never done or thought about doing anything like that before, ever. And even though I did, it lasted seconds and it meant absolutely nothing."
She froze, stopping all touching right away and sitting up poker straight in the middle of the bed.
"What did you do?"
"I kissed - or rather, Yvetta kissed me, and I didn't necessarily stop her right away."
She was silent, as she got out of bed to stand up.
"And?"
"And as soon as she kissed me Sookie, I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted you. I wanted us. Not her. So I shoved her away, and I fired her."
"You fired her because she kissed you? You know she could sue you for that."
"She's also shit at her job and is completely incompetent, she wouldn't have a leg to stand on…. Why are you focusing on that and not the other part?"
"Oh, I am, believe me." She dragged her hair into a pony tail with the tie on her wrist. "Why did you let her kiss you?" She asked quietly.
"I don't know."
"Lying."
I got up too, I wanted to be near her, but she took a small step back.
"Just, explain, please Eric because I'm imagining all these things in my head right now, and none of them make you look very noble."
"I felt like shit okay? With us, being how we're being and I saw no way to fix it because even when I tried I failed, and then the whole sex thing that morning…." I shook my head, "I felt rejected, like shit and she was there."
"That's it? She was there? It could have been just anyone?"
"No, she made the move on me, I'd never have made the move on her. I mean I flirted yes."
"But you flirt with everyone. I know that." She dismissed. "But, this time, did you like it when she paid attention to you? The attention that I obviously wasn't giving you?"
She crossed her arms, that really wasn't a good sign.
In the spirit of all or nothing in the honesty stakes, I decided to go for all.
"Yes."
"Can't say I blame you, hot sexy woman wanting to do things to you in your office… nagging closed off girlfriend at home, I know which one I'd choose." I saw a tear fall but she turned her back to wipe it.
"Sookie I didn't choose her, I choose you. I chose you four year ago and I don't want that choice to change."
"Why did you let her kiss you at all? I want to know why?"
"I told you…"
"Right, but you flirt with a lot of women Eric, I've seen it first hand and for the most part it's harmless. I know that, but there had to a bigger reason than just us having that fight."
"I don't know what you want me to say here."
"I don't want anything, but the truth."
"I'm unhappy Sookie, is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm fucking miserable. I have been for months, and honestly I've tried to fix it with us but it's not happening, and I made a mistake a tiny one at that, which I apologised for, but I can't apologise for being unhappy because that's just not fair."
"I don't expect you to apologise for being unhappy, Jesus Christ."
"Then what?"
"I think I just needed to hear it. Because honestly, I feel the same way, and you doing this - just proves it."
"Proves what?"
"How fucked up we've become lately. And I don't know how to fix it either." She sighed sitting herself on the bed again.
"We were happy, for a long time."
"People change, we grow… and maybe growing means growing apart? I have no idea, all I know is Eric… no kiss is accidental. Unwanted, perhaps but not accidental. And if part of you, even for a second wanted to revel in her attentions and forget about me, then that says something and it says it loudly. You aren't happy and honestly I don't know that I can make you happy again, not the way you want."
"You just said that we were a team."
She laughed, "I think I was kidding myself. I can't do it all, Eric. I can't, I'm not enough for everyone. And I'm obviously not enough for you."
"You know that's not true! Jesus I can't keep saying it Sookie."
"You shouldn't have to keep saying it, it's not fair to you either! But look we've got problems sweetheart, big ones, ones I don't know and you don't know how to fix. I can't make you happy Eric, not now and to be honest with you, I'm not sure it should be anyone's job to make another person happy, or complete. I think that's where we took the wrong turn. I was relying on you to make me feel like a whole person all that time that I was at home all day being a mom, working my ass off raising Jessica with you… it was amazing and I loved it, even when I hated it, I loved it because she's our daughter and I adore her, and I adore you. I just don't have that feeling anymore."
"You don't love me?"
She shook her head wiping her tears, "Eric I love you, so much, that this, It's killing me to say it, but, I don't think my love is enough right now, it's obviously not enough to keep you happy… you have to make yourself happy first I think. I felt unfulfilled being here as a mom, as selfish as it sounds, I missed my work, I missed having grownup conversation with new people. I missed having a life outside of you guys, and I think that's another turn we took on the wrong road. So, I took a turn to try and make myself feel filled again, but all it did was drive you and apart. I can't win for losing right now with us, and neither can you it seems."
She was full on crying now, and to be honest, I was too, as silent as I tried to make it.
"I can't make you happy Eric, you have to do that yourself. And right now I think it would be better for everyone if you did that, alone."
Was this what breaking up was? I mean, for real and not just a silly argument where we swore at each other and stomped into another room… this was real.
I think we were over.
SPOV:
I had spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon after Eric stormed out, crying like an idiot. Bursts of tears would sporadically happen then stop. I had called and cancelled my meetings, I couldn't show up looking how I looked, not then. I'd have been laughed out of the room, or assisted into the nearest mental help clinic.
I'd decided that I wasn't going into work. More than anything I was too emotionally fragile to put on my big girl panties and deal with builders and contractors and decorators and demand after demand and problem after problem. I just couldn't. I picked up Jessica at preschool earlier than normal, to find them just finishing up their colouring for the day. She'd gotten quite good in my biased opinion and her art work was all over my office in application.
She smiled from her desk when she saw me, standing next to Alice Wittman, Chloe's mother, Chloe sat next to Jessica on Tuesdays. And it seems Chloe's mom was as surprised to see me there as my daughter was. The guilt that washed over me, when she eyed me up and with a, "Oh, no Eric today then?", really got under my skin. But, I ignored that in favor of watching Jessica ever so happily put her colouring books into her backpack. She waved excitedly when she saw me, her hair that I'd put in pretty ponytails that morning somehow now down and all tangled, but that was Jessica. Just like Hadley, the girl couldn't sit still.
"Momma you're here! I thought I was going wit' Maxine today."
"Nope, you get me today, is that okay?" I smiled as I picked her up.
"YEAH! Is Daddy here too?"
"No, sweetie Daddy went to work. But, you and I get the whole day together today, does that sound good?"
She nodded vigorously, "Wanna see my pic-ture?"
"Sure! Show me in the car okay?"
We got loaded into the Range Rover, I waved and chatted with Maxine for a few minutes before she excused herself, she was off to the store since Hoyt was still in his 'I only eat white food' phrase. It was hard on a woman that lived and breathed her veggies and meat.
"Momma?"
"Yes, sweetie?
"You no has work?"
"It's 'you don't have to' baby." I corrected her, smoothing back her hair from her eyes, "and no I don't, not today."
"That's good. I misses you."
"You do?"
She nodded. And she showed me her picture. It was of her, and me and Eric and Molly of course. Though Eric was a giant stick man, and Mol was bigger than our house, it was still a very sweet picture, and of something that I had taken for granted for too long now.
"Why you cryin' momma?" She raised her little brows at me before patting me on the arm, "There, there is no so bad." She said in her most grown up voice. It's what Eric and I said to her when she cried, or when she fell down. It made me burst out laughing mid-tears. I pulled myself together and turned on the radio, letting a tightly seat belted Jessica choose the tunes as always.
"Baby how about we skip ballet practice today and go get some food and visit Auntie Pam and Ames? huh?"
"Yay! Can we get McDonalds? Pleaseeee?"
"Sure."
"I can I gets a diet coke?"
"No, no diet coke."
We'd learned that lesson the hard way when she was three and Eric thought it would be 'fine' to give her a tiny glass.
So very wrong. She didn't sit down for hours and she just never shut up. Never happening again.
"You can have a small milkshake though."
"Chocolate?" Her face lit up.
"If you like. But you have to an extra good girl when we're visiting okay? Because Auntie Pam is almost ready to have her baby and we can't be annoying her okay?"
"Okay." she sighed sitting back in her booster seat.
Pam, at nine months pregnant, two days late, still looked as classy and as elegant as ever, minus her sky scraper heels for a change. She opened the door with a smile, dressed in her black silk pyjamas and fluffy slippers she still had her hair to perfection and her makeup flawless.
"I smell food." She said and I handed her, her order. She'd been craving their fries for weeks according to Amelia but only giving in to it every once and a while because, well, this was Pam, she wasn't about to get fat just because she was pregnant.
How you might ask could Pam, a card carrying, flag waving member of the Chicks over Dicks association possibly end up pregnant?
That one was easy, she and Amelia had really found something special with each other, even after a few months they'd taken the steps to be together as much as possible. They were in love, and it was beautiful to see. Two years ago was when Pam had brought it up, she loved Jessica so much that she had said that she and Amelia were looking into adoption. She had enough money and with Amelia taking her college courses in business, it was only a matter of time before Ames was on her new career ladder as a manager of some sort, in whatever field she chose. It was Pam's encouragement that kept her going, and pushed her though. They really knew how to support the other. So, while Ames was doing that, they looked into adoption. But, same sex laws being as uneven and as unfair as they are in most states, it was so much time and energy and not many rewards. So, they looked into other avenues. And the one that made most sense was sperm donation.
So they decided, one of them would be the biological mother and the other would, they hoped once their relationship was recognised as the amazing burst of love that it was, the other would adopt. Either way they wanted to be parents.
How they decided on Pam being the one to carry the baby? I'd never fully understand. But for Pam It really was a sign of love that she was willing to give up her twenty two inch waist to do it.
"Auntie Pam?"
"Yes, Jess?" Pam answered with a mouthful of big Mac.
"When is the baby here?"
"Soon! Very soon I hope. It should have come before now."
"But where is it?" She asked, her hands in the shrug she used when she was confused.
"Well, what did your parents tell you?"
"Well." She sighed ever so dramatically as I just hid my grin. "Daddy said that you an' Auntie Amelia love each other" Though her 'other' was sounding more like 'udder' every time, "and 'dat you's wanted to have baby because … I don't know why I forget what he says, but momma says that it grows and then it comes out and we all buy it presents and we have cake! When do we get to have the cake?"
Pam just laughed. "Hopefully soon, honey, believe me I'm ready to meet the baby and have my body back to myself."
Jessica decided that she was going to play dressup in Pam's closet, while we attempted to keep an eye on her as she tottered about in Pam's heels. Jessica it seemed had expensive taste, she always went for the Louboutin's to play around in.
"So, explain?"
"Explain what?"
"Why your eyes are puffy and red, you're either high or you've been crying and with this amount of junk food, I'm not sure which is which. If it's just PMS tell me to mind my own, but somehow I think it's something else."
"What gives that away."
"The fact that Eric has been quite as a mouse when I ask about you two lately. Usually he can't shut his mouth on how you're both doing this, or that, or discovering new sexual positions and what not."
I'd learned over the course of four years, that Pam really didn't give a shit about what people thought so she just said what she liked. I'd grown to love that about her.
"I think we're in trouble. Big trouble."
"Is there someone else?" She asked and I refuted it on my side, though his, I had hoped I could refute just as easily.
She assured me that everyone goes through their dry spells, she and Amelia for instance hadn't had sex since she reached her five month mark, but that was a valid excuse. What did Eric and I have other than the fact that I was working all the hours God sent, stressed and my brain was fried. Was that selfish? I had hoped that he understood just how much of a strain this was putting on me and just how worried I was that I would fail out on my own. But, as Pam pointed out, Eric was a complex man in many ways, and a very simple man in others. He didn't ask for much but what he asked for he gave back in spades. And I knew that, I just think that I needed a reminder of just how sensitive my Eric was to things. He hated change, he rebelled against it. And I knew now, that that is what was happening inside his head. He was rebelling, whether or not he knew it, against himself and against me and against all the little changes in our lives that led to one big change in our relationship. We weren't communicating anymore.
I wished Pam luck and Jessica took her turn in feeling the baby kick before we left. Chores, homework, a movie and bed was the rest of our day together. And as I curled up in our big bed waiting for my boyfriend to come home so that I could extend the olive branch, I realised how much I had missed her too, just reading with her in bed like we'd do. I had a lot of things to fix.
Easier said than done apparently. I woke up at 2am, and Eric wasn't in bed, I knew he was home though, so I carried Jessica into her own bed, tucked her in tight and went in search of my boyfriend.
I found him, in one of the spare rooms looking far too big for that small bed. I never slept well whenever he and I needed to spend the night apart, I just missed his presence there with me, that and his cuddles. His cuddles were unlike anyone else I'd ever cuddled with, and I always missed them. So, I crawled in next to him, taking my place in the nook of his arm. It was when we woke up that everything fell apart.
He wasn't happy. On some level I'd known it, I'd known it, hadn't I? But I didn't see it, but in the same vein I hadn't seen my own unhappiness with how things were either, but to find that he had been telling that woman about our live together, about our problems, about me, it stung. The fact that he'd kissed her? That I still hadn't wrapped my head around.
He seemed so lost sitting there on that bed, that bed that wasn't ours in a room that we had very few memories in. in a way I was glad it happened in a room we never frequented, I didn't want the memory of us breaking each other's heart to taint the rooms that we loved in our home.
Our home, I guess that was something that wasn't the same now either, was it? After I came to the baffling realization that I just wasn't able to make Eric happy, not like he deserved anyway and not right then, and that in a way, we had to make ourselves happy first before we could concentrate on another person's happiness… well… I surprised even myself. Being apart from him was the last thing I ever imagined instigating, never mind enforcing. But I did it. I knew we were over.
The last thing I wanted for him was unhappiness, and if he was that unhappy that he was contemplating - even for a second - seeking the missing comfort in the arms of another? Our problems were bigger than we'd imagined. And at that moment in time, I wasn't sure I would ever know how to fix them.
So we were at a crossroads. Only he was going down one road, and I was still trying to find mine.
I offered to leave the house, if that's what he wanted. But he refused to let me. Our heartbreak was silent, unmoving for what seemed like hours. It felt like that sensation of being underwater, where everything is bigger than it appears on the surface, but everything moves that little slower. That's how it felt watching him pack a few cases, and kiss a sleeping Jessica goodbye. We agreed that we shouldn't really lie to our daughter, but that for now we'd just make up a business trip until both of us were able to wrap our heads around what to tell a four year old about her parents. After that. nothing was said, we both knew we'd said - at least for then all that could be said.
On that cold. rainy April morning, watching him pack his car as the sun hit the clouds to peek through for its day of play with the rain, I realised something else. Those who said a broken heart was a literal thing, were in fact right, but in my case it felt like my entire body was broken into tiny pieces.
I padded back to our bed, his smell a mix of shampoo, aftershave, and just… Eric. Still there in his pillow. The pillow I sobbed myself back to sleep on, that morning, and for most nights after.
We were done, just like that, no raised voices, no smashes, no crashes, just the sound of sobs and violently loud smashing hearts.
A/N: Hii! *hands out the tissues* Just say it with me "She has a plan, she has a plan." I got a lot of … um.. Pissed off feedback from the last chapter that I'd just like to address real quick.
I don't see Sookie as an ungrateful undeserving bitch who needs to be left alone and miserable, I see her as a character that had a shit past where men and the subject of her independence was concerned, and like many of my friends who have kids - just someone who wants a part of themselves for themselves, and for her it's her mission to prove to herself that she's a strong confident woman without needing Eric as a crutch. Of course mistakes are make and in a relationship of that long taking each other for granted happens a lot. Does that mean they're done forever and out of love and all that jazz? *Raises eyebrow at you* Would I do that?
Hit the reviews, even if you want to yell at me through cap letters, like Sookie I've got my big girl pants on and can take it! Hehe! Xoxo
