A/N: I've developed an insane idea regarding this fic. All I'll say it guarantees a lot of silliness in future chapters…
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Raikiri Triken: The Three Souls Swordsman
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 4: Tripping Along… Weirdness Abroad!
Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.
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"Orochimaru-sama!" a nameless Sound-nin said, running up to their leader, who was currently lounging around on the roof of his palace, wearing only a Speedo and a pair of sunglasses. The nin tried not to stare, since that was a sure-fire way of either dying or being used as a guinea pig for yet another crazy experiment. Next to him was the man who'd been introduced as Orochimaru-sama's cousin, who was thankfully wearing a pair of loud Hawaiian trunks. Both men were drinking from tall glasses of Pińa-Coladas.
"What is it?" the sannin said irritably, already assigning the poor loser to a medical experiment. "I gave orders we were not to be disturbed."
"Apologies, Orochimaru-sama, but another report has come in. It seems the Raikiri Batousai has been spotted again. He was reportedly stopped all competition from Gatou in Wave Country," the loser reported, praying to anyone who was listening for this to put their "Ota-Kage" in a good enough mood.
Orochimaru sat up, tilting his glasses down. "That is good news, but not exactly something that couldn't wait."
The nin coughed. "Kimimaro-sama said-"
"Enough! Report to Tayuya," Orochimaru said, lying back down and taking a sip from his drink.
The nin gulped, but left as ordered, looking for the redheaded kunoichi with mixed emotions. This was one of Orochimaru's more questionable punishments/rewards. On the one hand, the kunoichi was a demon in bed and could last hours. On the other hand, the kunoichi was a demon in bed and could last hours. Hoo-boy…
"What was that about?" Voldemort said lazily as he sunned himself. They were snakes, after all. Snakes did this sort of thing.
"Good news," Orochimaru said, as he pulled out his copy of Cosmopolitan. "Otagakure's competition in the drug trade has been summarily terminated, all thanks to someone with delusions of grandeur."
"The so-called 'Raikiri Battousai'?"
"Yes. Probably some tourist who's been watching too much anime. We get those a lot. They usually either go back home or die when they challenge someone other than a highway bandit. He's probably one of those few with some actual combat training, but no match for my Sound-nin. There's no way he's that Potter boy you're afraid of."
Voldemort shrugged. "I guessed you're right. Besides, from the sound of it, this 'Raikiri' character is very physically fit. The only exercise that Potter boy does is riding a broom. No way it can be him…"
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"Stop following us!" Naruto said, looking over his shoulder and pouting.
Harry blinked innocently, although a closer look would reveal the mischief dancing in his green eyes. "We're not following you, we're just walking along the same road as you, right guys?"
Haku nodded solemnly, although he was grinning like crazy under his mask. Zabuza pretended indifference, although he turned his face to one side so his smile wouldn't be too obvious.
"Why are you going this way, anyway?" Naruto yelled back, not looking where he was going, and promptly walking into a tree.
"I told you, I'm going to Konoha to see the Hokage," Harry said. "Among other things. Watch out."
Naruto turned around and promptly tripped over a rock.
Pouting, Naruto got back up, pointedly dusting himself off. "Well, why are they here?" he pointed at Haku and Zabuza.
"We're just walking here, stupid," Zabuza said.
"Naruto, don't aggravate the missing-nin," Kakashi said.
Sasuke, meanwhile, had his brain locked on that snapshot of Sakura's ass.
…………
What?
They'd been walking for a day, with still a little distance to go to reach Konoha, and in that time, that scene had repeated itself roughly every forty-five minutes. Haku had begun using it to tell the time.
It was almost time- by Haku's reckoning- for another such bout when Harry suddenly raised his hand, shading his eyes, as he looked at something in the distance. "Hey, is that a store?"
Before anyone could answer, he was gone, a sonic boom left in his wake as he Shukuchied off.
"I guess he doesn't realize that's an antique store," Sakura said as everyone sweatdropped.
What an antique store was doing in the middle of nowhere is a mystery best left unsolved.
When they finally caught up with him, they find Harry standing on the road with an extremely annoyed look on his face, looking at the little shack, from which various happy sounds were emanating.
"Got scammed, huh?" Naruto said cheerily.
"Shut up," Harry mutters in annoyance. "I was hoping for some food, and manga, but all they had was old junk. I was lucky this was the only thing they conned me out of." Looking at the trunk in disgust for a moment before sighing, he drew his wand from its sheath and waving it despondently at the offending object. The trunk shook slightly, before rising slightly and floating in mid-air. The assembled shinobi blinked.
"What?" Harry said with a smirk as he sat down cross-legged on top of it. "Never seen a floating trunk before?"
"No," Sasuke said bluntly.
"WHOA!" Naruto exclaims, getting down on his hands and knees and waving his hands under the trunk, then kneeling and waving his hands everywhere else around the trunk. "Where are the strings?"
"It's a secret technique," Harry said blandly. Kakashi's eyebrow twitched at the mention of that. "Giddy yap!" he told the trunk, tapping it on it's 'rear' with his wand, and it immediately started floating down the road.
The nin shrugged, and followed after.
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Finally…
"Home sweet home!" Naruto yelled, thrusting out his arms as if trying to hug the whole village.
Harry, still sitting on his trunk, Haku and Zabuza sweatdropped at him, wondering when he'd gotten high. His teammates seemed to take it as a matter of course.
The two nins guarding the gates in front of them rolled their eyes at the boy's antics. They waved casually to Kakashi, who nodded back, but stiffened at Harry and the nuke-nin's approach. "Name please?"
"Momochi Zabuza," the mist-nin said lazily, as if daring them to say anything.
"Seta Haku," the boy said simply.
Sojiro was immediately alarmed.
Why, Sojiro, you sly dog you! Shishio roared. Why didn't you tell me you eventually got some?
As Sojiro was being royally embarrassed, the two leaf-nin stiffened at the first name, paling.
"Relax," Kakashi said. "He's with me."
The pale-haired man turned to the Cleaver's owner. "Kiri and Konoha aren't that close, so you won't get extradited, but if you make trouble, I'm personally coming for your hide, got it?"
Zabuza flipped him off. You wouldn't know they were kindred spirits, both fanatical readers of Icha Icha.
"What about you?" one of the nin said to Harry.
"Potter Harry," Harry said. "I'm here to see the Hokage with news about an old friend of his."
The nin frowned. "If you have a message for the Hokage, then give it to us, and we'll pass it on to him."
Harry's mouth twisted at the ironic choice of words. "I'm afraid it's personal," Harry said, then added when the nin eyed his swords warily, "I mean him no harm. In fact, I'm here to ask for his help regarding a little matter."
The two guards looked at each other, than at Kakashi, as if asking for his opinion. "Fine. But we'll have to see the contents of your trunk. Customs and all that. What is it?"
Harry blinked, looking down. "Actually, I don't know, myself. It bought it at some roadside store."
"Yuko-san strikes again," one of the guards muttered.
Jumping off the trunk, Harry tried the lock and found it rusted shut. Growling under his breath, he pulled out the sakabatou- to much initial panic from the two guards- and destroyed the lock with one slash. Opening it, he frowned. "Nothing in here but junk."
To prove his point, he heaved it up and tipped it over. Some old swords, belts, books, scrolls and robes fell out in a tangled heap.
"COOL!" Naruto said, grabbing a set of oversized red robed and holding them in front of him.
"Hey, this book has my name on it," the resident kunoichi said, picking up what looked like a pink girl's diary, a key hanging on a chain in the corner.
Zabuza gave the pile a casual look. "What a load of junk," he muttered in contempt.
Haku, however, wasn't as closed-minded. Frowning under his mask, he picked up a very narrow scroll that had rolled off to the side. "Harry-san, this looks like a summoning scroll."
"Huh? What's that?" Harry said, who was busy inspecting the trunk's insides, feeling the red felt lining.
"Summoning scrolls are used to make contracts with summons, so they can be called on in battle," Haku explained.
"Does this summoning thing use that chakra stuff?" Harry asked absently, and Haku gave an affirmative. "Well, you can have it, Haku. It's useless to me anyway. Might as well do you good."
Haku turned to Zabuza questioningly.
The Demon of the Mist snorted. "Why not? It'll do you good to have a summon. I've got one already, so I can't use it."
Nodding, Haku thanked Harry as he tucked the scroll into his clothes for later study. The wizard waved him off absently, still inspecting the trunk.
"Hey, if Haku can have that, can I have these cool threads?" Naruto said, gesturing at the red robes. "And this sword?"
"Naruto, that sword looks pretty beat up," Sakura said.
"But it'll look so cool with these things!"
"Fine," Harry said, now poking around the junk with his foot. "Anyone who wants anything, go ahead. I don't think I'll be keeping anything but the trunk."
"Why just the trunk?" one of the guards asked, who was also rooting around.
"I need a suit case," was the only answer.
"Well, in that case, can I have this diary?" Sakura said, holding up the book she had found.
Harry looked at it, pink with gold trim and all. He shuddered. "Sure."
Kakashi picked up an old book, and his eyebrow rose. "May I?"
Harry saw it and hesitated, but noticed another copy of the same book near his feet. "Go ahead," he said, picking up the slightly battered Kama Sutra.
Sasuke tossed aside a rusty piece of armor that looked like it had been clawed up by the Kyuubi, judging by the enormous, claw-like cuts in front. Bending down, he picked up a leather belt, on which hung two swords. A strange feeling came over him.
"Just take it!" Harry said, beating him before he opened his mouth. The Uchiha nodded, wondering why he had a sudden desire to save the world and a hatred for dogs.
A cold breeze blew past, and Zabuza shuddered. Looking down, he noticed a white jacket fluttering under his feet. Deciding that there was no point in doing the 'cool, shirtless' look if he got pneumonia, he put it on.
In the end, all Harry decided to keep was a box of large marbles, a deck of cards with the faces of weird creatures on them, an off-white doll with a red nose and bobble on it's head, a metal whip, a humongous shuriken that Sasuke looked at covetously but Harry decided he wanted because it looked 'cool', a pair of metal enforced gloves, a metal quarter staff that also looked cool, a few books and a couple of other knick-knacks that also seemed cool for some reason. How those things managed to fit in a trunk is another mystery best left unsolved.
The rest, he vanished away. Well, actually, he used the banishing spell, but as long as they weren't close enough to the village proper to be seen, it was alright. As a leaf-themed village, they were very environmentally friendly, and had strict garbage laws. After declaring his swords were his swords were his only weapons, Harry was allowed in to Konoha. The things he had banished kept on flying. But things that fly have to come down to earth eventually…
No one knew what had been unleashed upon the world.
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Ginny waited impatiently for Hermione to finish talking with the Muggle. Her girlfriend had suggested they take an airplane to where Harry had gone so that they be able to pick up clues on the way, and she really had nothing else to say or do but fret over the delay. It wasn't after Hermione had told her some of the stories the other girl had heard of what happened in airplane lavatories that she had warmed up to the idea. Still, she really wished the Muggle would get a move on. Their boyfriend's life was at stake!
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When Naruto got home and tried on his new 'threads', he was pleasantly surprised to find they fit, as if by magic. He was sure they'd been too big for him. Oh, well. He decided then and there he'd wear them from now on, ate his usual dozen bowls of ramen, and fell asleep fantasizing how cool he'd look and how impressed Sakura would be when he saw him tomorrow, the sword still in his hands…
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Harry checked into the hotel, looking around so his the three riders could take note of all the entrances, exits, weak-spots and defensible points of the room. The Hokage was supposed to be busy today, so he had an appointment for tomorrow. As much as he minded the delay, he could wait. Voldemort would just have to live a little longer…
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In the bathroom of his hotel room, Haku blushed as he read the summoning scroll's instructions on final time, before turning on the shower and lathering his hand.
What kind of perverted summon required the contract be signed in blood and semen?
And why was there only room for one signature?
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Sakura opened her new diary and frowned. There were no pages inside.
"What the heck?" she said as she turned the book upside-down…
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Zabuza frowned at the Cleaver in his hands. Why the heck was he starting to think it was too small?
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Sasuke kept having mood swings and feeling insane. He kept trying to shrug it off as he modeled his new belt. The swords on it didn't look half-bad…
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At home, Kakashi opened his newest book and started reading…
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Hinata was walking along a street quietly around sundown when she saw something glinting out of the corner of her eye. She blinked curiously. Why would someone throw away what looked like a solid gold medallion, even if it was unusually shaped?
Shrugging, seeing as no one seemed to want it any more, she picked it up and stuffed it into her waist pouch, and continued heading towards the game store in the corner. Perhaps they received a new batch of cards…?
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Somewhere, on a road far away, a girl rolled over in her sleeping bag. Something kept poking her back. With an annoyed growl, she finally reached beneath her and pulled it out. She blinked as she stared the elegant fan in her hand, whose air was marred slightly by the chain that dangled from it, on the ends of which where a bunch of feathers.
Shrugging and deciding it was finders-keepers, she tucked it under her head and finally went to sleep…
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In a very strange place, and conversation consisting of two words happened.
Shippo..?
Inu-Yasha…?
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Haku glanced back towards the door, hoping Zabuza wouldn't suddenly decide he needed the use of the refreshment facilities, before looking back to the scroll in his lap. He was wrapped only in a towel and sitting on the closed top of the toilet with said scroll on his lap, having finally managed to sign the danged thing. The hard part had been mixing the blood in.
Wondering what kind of creature this scroll had aligned him with, he bit his thumb, was for a moment grateful that semen wasn't also needed for the summoning itself, and promptly made the seals Zabuza had told him that afternoon, keeping the chakra small so that what he summoned wouldn't be too big.
There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly, Haku's lap was full of something warm.
"Hello, master," a voice said, and teenage boy was suddenly on the verge of blood loss…
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- To be continued...
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A/N: I set up a Raikiri forum as an experiment. Go to my profile page and click on 'my forums' to see it.
Alterations to canon: Zabuza did not get the Raikiri/Nin-dog treatment, Gatou let slip he was planning to stiff Zabuza and Haku of their pay, Zabuza kills Gatou, then since he doesn't have a client anymore, doesn't care less about Tazuna, be finishes his bridge. Harry somehow makes friends with Haku using a combination of Haku's natural likability, and Harry's Kenshin-ness. I'm just too lazy to right all that when I can just get to the good stuff.
Oh, yes, I'll say this right off the bat, just to see what kind of response I get: Voldemort will get a sword! Aren't you just fascinated to know which one?
I'm making Kakashi nearly as jutsu-hoarding obsessed as Orochimaru, or at least into a kind of jutsu hunter. After all, why else would he know a thousand plus jutsus unless he actively soughed them out? But, no, he's not evil.
What? Haku has no known last name, so why not make him a descendant of Sojiro? It's how his blood-limit was forged, from Sojiro's 'iciness' in battle. Soji doesn't have it, though…
Zabuza summons alligators. It seemed appropriate.
Do you believe in ghosts…?
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Omake----------------------------------------
Somewhere, a nameless, god-like cosmic being who had taken the form of a fanfiction writer growled in annoyance. "Alright, who took the last of Essence of Ranma, Chaos of Tenchi, and Touch of Irreverence?"
Hundreds of other cosmic god-like beings all proceeded to look innocent at the same time, hunching over their computer/laptops/palm pilots/notebooks, making looking for the culprit all but impossible.
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Orochimaru winced as he waited for his cousin to finish brewing the potion. "That is the absolute last time I'm sunbathing without a timer. This is all your fault!"
Voldemort glared at him. A bright red burn adorned both their bodies. "You're the one who wanted Irish Pińa-Coladas, you dolt."
Somehow, one doesn't look as evil when they're burned and peeling…
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Please review, C&C welcome. This was originally supposed to be a Harry/Kenshin fic, but my muse got a little out of hand. That's what happens when you don't have an outline…
Oh well, it still counts.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.
