Chapter 4
Beckett reminds Ryan, Esposito and Lanie that they are invited round tonight, receives enthusiastic acceptances and requests for pizza and beer, further reminds them all that there are to be no presents bought or brought since she could restock Macys as it is, and departs to arrange for pizza and beer.
Home is surprisingly placid. Both children are sitting eating their dinners – as human, which is amazing, and with spoons, which is astounding. Castle may well have hypnotised them, Beckett thinks. Maybe he can show her how he did it.
"What did you do?" she admires.
"Took the food away every time they weren't human. Gave it back when they were." He looks round. "And again." Plastic plates are removed as the toddler twins are now kittens.
"Children get dinner. Cats don't," Castle points out in long-suffering tones.
They change back, and exhibit identical pouts. "Dada naughty." Petra says.
"My dinner," they both complain, as the plates stay away.
"Daddy is not naughty," Beckett says, which is only true for a given value of naughty which could be explained to children. Castle is frequently very naughty indeed, in a very adult fashion. "Only children get dinner."
The plates are returned.
"And now you're children, you get your dinner."
Beckett thinks about recording that phrase. She can see the future, and it involves a lot of repetition.
"The gang want pizza and beer. Do I need to order?"
"Already done, while the terrorists had a nap."
Beckett produces a beautiful smile. Castle, despite all attempts to obscure it, claiming that he has a reputation to uphold, is highly efficient. She'd rather he was out on cases with her, but they've managed that by her bringing it home so that he can play too. Strangely, Gates has never been informed about this workaround, though Beckett is pretty sure that she's guessed given some of her barbed commentary.
"Thanks, babe," she smiles. Further commentary is prevented as it becomes obvious that dinner has been finished. Beckett removes Petra first, takes her upstairs where she can be bathed – there are tomato fragments in her hair and her face is as good as a menu – and starts to run a bath.
"You're all over tomato," Beckett points out. "It's supposed to go in your mouth, not in your hair."
"Bath!" Petra says, ignoring the instructional point with aplomb.
"Yes, bath. Wash you all clean."
"Wan' bath. Wan' duck."
Beckett certainly will want to duck. The twins are splashy. However, Petra probably means that she wants to play with the rubber ducks. Castle brings David upstairs, equally covered in dinner. Shortly, both of them are noisily splashing in the bath and zooming the ducks at each other. This is just fine. Happy twins are a delight.
Naturally, it doesn't last. Petra decides that this evening is a good time to discover whether kittens like water, finds that kitten-she doesn't, tries the panther-cub, finds that she doesn't like water in that form either, turns back to human and wails loudly.
"Nasty bath," she howls. "No bath." She tries to clamber out. Beckett plops her back in and rapidly washes her.
"Baths are fun for children. Not cats. Be a girl in the bath and a cat when you're dry. Children play with ducks. Cats don't."
"No' fair! Nasty bath!"
"Out you come," Beckett says, since Petra is all washed. She wraps her daughter in a large, cosy towel and lets Castle catch the small would-be Houdini while she washes David into relative acceptability and then dries him with enough tickling and play to make him happy. She does accompany it with a naughty glance at Castle, indicating the possibility of play for the two of them later.
Both toddlers in their sleepsuits, clean and adorable; they all go back downstairs until the doting brevet-relatives arrive. Castle and Beckett disport themselves on a cushion sized for two adults on the floor, and the twins involve themselves in block building, instrument bashing (Castle swears they will be talented musicians. Beckett has ordered earplugs) and a significant amount of changing form and bouncing into parental laps where petting is sure to be available.
"How d'you want to play this?"
"Well, last night we kept them out the way for the first few minutes…"
"Yeah, but… I think we should just let everyone catch on."
Beckett grins nastily. "That's unkind."
"But fun." Castle looks at the squabbling kittens. "How many comments have you heard about how easy being a stay-at-home parent is?"
"Too many," Beckett agrees. It's going to be good for the gang to realise the unusual challenges with which they are dealing. "Okay, let's just keep them downstairs. Everyone should be here soon."
Not long after, the door sounds. At this point, the toddlers are terrorising a cushion and are human. It's entirely accidental, Beckett knows, since the twins generally seem to do whatever will make their parents least comfortable, but it's helpful.
Castle lets all three visitors enter. Lanie dives straight for the toddlers. Her insane love for babies and small children is undiminished. Beckett is still wondering if it's possible to have her committed. Of course Beckett's toddlers are adorable (in small doses, and usually when asleep) but everybody else's small children are revolting and should be kept far, far away, possibly by drawing a gun.
Ryan wanders over to greet the twins, who are bouncily delighted to see him. David is especially delighted. Ryan is always happy to play with him, and usually Castle joins in. The three boys are quite happy to be boisterous together, though Ryan stops it going too far.
Lanie is playing happily with Petra, who is behaving far more nicely than she ever usually does. This might be because Lanie's kickass attitude is keeping her in line, but more likely it's because Lanie has been known to bribe her with chocolate chips and Petra is exceedingly good at remembering her own best interests.
Esposito is not a child friendly person. This goes along with his general demeanour. Esposito is not a people person and doesn't care who knows it. He sits at a very safe distance from the tiny terrors and shrinks back every time one looks as if they might come within ten feet. As a consequence he is the only person currently drinking beer.
He is also the only person who pays any real attention to what the toddlers are happily squeaking, only because his cop instincts are so ingrained that he believes everything to be a clue. Beckett is busy shoving vast quantities of pizza in the oven – but if she follows her usual practice, not switching it on till the twins are in bed - and everyone else is playing with her toddlers. So Espo is happy simply to keep out of the way and listen.
"'Anie, I a cat!" Petra is cheeping. "Big cat. Little cat."
"Sure you are, honey. You're a really cute cat."
"Mama a cat too."
"Sure she is."
"An' Dada."
"You've just got the cutest imagination, sweetie."
"B'ack cats."
Esposito controls his urge to vomit at Lanie's sugary tones. In self-defence, he listens to the male side of the party.
"Dada play," David chirps. He peeps at Ryan. "Ry play too."
"Sure, kid. Baseball?"
"Silly Ry. Play with tail."
Ryan goes bright scarlet. "Play with my tail?" he says in a high-pitched squeak.
"Like Dada."
Esposito is absolutely horrified. Play with tails? Surely that's illegal? "Beckett?" he calls.
"Yeah? What is it?" She pads over.
"David," Castle says, "Uncle Ryan doesn't have a tail." David stares at his father.
"No tail?"
"Nope."
The small face crumples. He clambers up into Ryan's lap and pats his cheek. "Poor Ry. No tail."
Esposito tries futilely not to snigger. Then he notices that Beckett is tensely expectant.
"I got a tail," David cheeps. "Look!"
Ryan screams and throws David at Castle, who catches him very neatly and smooths his fur.
"Madre de Dios!" Esposito yells. "What the actual f" – Beckett elbows him before he says the word. Lanie looks around.
"Me too!" Petra shrieks, and changes. Lanie shrieks even louder than Petra. "What the hell, girl?" Petra bounces into her lap. Lanie shrieks again.
Esposito has his hand on his gun and is swearing continuously under his breath as he takes in the chaotic situation in front of him. Ryan is scooting as far away from Castle and David as possible while apparently praying to all the Catholic saints, and Lanie is still shrieking none too quietly as Petra tries to clamber up her front and lick her face. Since Petra has attached her claws to Lanie's rather pretty top, Lanie can't simply fling her away without displaying much more of her anatomy than she'd like.
Castle and Beckett exchange extremely nastily satisfied glances.
"Now, which one of you was it said that Castle had it easy being at home with the twins all day?" Beckett asks in a delicately interested tone with considerable malice underlying it. "Espo, I think that one was you. And Ryan, you suggested that he'd got – what was it? Oh yes – soft and lazy." She skewers them both. "Wanna change your view?"
While the boys are gibbering, Beckett crosses to Lanie and very carefully detaches Petra, without damage to her top. Lanie doesn't look as pleased as she could do about that. Beckett fusses over Petra, who is sporting a smugly feline expression which she really shouldn't develop till around age fifteen.
"No claws," Beckett says warningly to Petra, who mews, not complaisantly. "No. Claws means time-out."
"What the freakin' h" – Beckett nudges Lanie, hard – "heavens is that?"
"That's Petra. My baby."
Lanie gibbers. Frequent references to deities and saints are heard. Beckett thinks snidely that she's never seen so many people get religion so quickly outside of a revival meeting.
"This ain't possible," Espo declares, in defiance of all the facts. "I ain't here. I'm asleep an' dreamin'."
"It's real," Beckett says forcefully. "These are our twins." She moves to sit down beside Castle, each with a cub on their laps. Ryan whimpers and scoots even further away. "Shall we?" she says to Castle, with a bright, dangerous smile.
"Why not?" he shrugs. "One, two, three" –
All three human adults scream as there are suddenly four black panthers in the room, the larger pair of which are smiling. Or something. There are substantial quantities of sharp white teeth on display.
"Nooooooo!" Ryan wails. The biggest panther is between him and the front door, which he had been eyeing up.
Beckett-panther puts her paws over Petra-cub's ears – Castle does the same for David-cub – as Esposito lets loose a long string of profanity including a number of words which Beckett has never heard, all without pausing for breath. Lanie produces a similar stream in disharmonious counterpoint. Ryan simply continues to whimper.
Beckett changes back. "Have you finished?" her cold tones cut through the din. Gradually, the noise reduces to the occasional gasp and whimper.
"This ain't real," Espo pleads. "You ain't the guys we know." He shifts in his seat, away from all of them.
"Do I have to bite you on your dumb ass to prove it is?" Beckett enquires acidly. "It is real. This is us. Can you stop looking at us like we've come out a bad horror movie?"
"But it can't be," Lanie squeaks. "It's not possible. You don't exist!" She's shuffled several feet towards the exit.
"I'm sitting right here. How can you say we don't exist? I've been working with you all for years and now you find out I'm a little different from what you thought I was suddenly I've got the plague? You're all edging for the door."
"But… but… but you're not human!" Esposito blurts out, which doesn't help anything at all. Castle-panther growls fearsomely.
"And this makes a difference how? Try saying that sentence with you're not white and see how you feel."
Beckett's temper is poised on a knife-edge. She hadn't expected her friends to react this badly. The two cubs are now growling too. Castle is flexing his claws in and out, and Ryan can't take his eyes off them for a second. True, they are long, and sharp, and deadly. She strokes his back, which is at least as much to soothe him as her. Castle doesn't often lose his temper, but when he does the fall-out is spectacular. They don't need that right now. She gathers the cubs into her lap and pets them too.
Petra changes back to a toddler, looking utterly miserable. "No play?" she whimpers. "Mama cross?"
"Mommy's not cross with you, sweetheart." Beckett cuddles her.
"They cross," Petra says, which is possibly true, although terrified might be a better word. Beckett doesn't answer that immediately.
"They're a bit surprised," she eventually temporises.
David wriggles in her lap, and then spots Castle's tensely twitching, almost lashing tail. Tail-chasing is David's favourite occupation, and if no other tail is available he will occasionally chase his own, which results in dizziness and crashing into things. Right now, however, Castle's tail is moving restlessly, and David is very, very tempted. He's watching it intently. When it next comes near, he pounces.
He misses, and scampers after it. Castle-panther relaxes almost instantly, focuses on his son, and keeps his tail moving just out of reach.
Ryan laughs, suddenly. Everyone looks at him. "Now I get it," he says. "He just wanted to play chase." He grins. "I was really worried about what you were doing." He gazes at David-cub, who is batting at his massive father and clearly looking for some roughhousing, panther-style. Castle lazily bats back, very gently, which still slides David over the floor. He meeps happily and bounces back for another go. David is easily kept happy.
"Okay, Beckett. Spill. Why'd you never tell us?" Beckett stares incredulously at him. Ryan flushes. "Oh. Well. Okay. Um…yeah." Esposito and Lanie are still speechless. "But how long? Always? And what about Castle? I mean… surely someone would have noticed when he was tomcatting about town before he met us" – he realises what he's just said. "Didn't mean that pun," he squirms. "Anyway. How long?"
Beckett fusses over Petra for a moment, till her unhelpful daughter wriggles to be put down and deprives her of any protection. Once put down, Petra toddles round to her father, pushes David out of the way, which raises an indignant miaow, and attempts to climb up him, aiming for his whiskers. Castle emits a warning growl, which merely causes Petra to aim for his ears while David essays a further assault on his tail while Castle isn't looking. The pincer movement works. Castle yips as David takes a firm grip on his tail with his sharp little teeth, and yips again as Petra reaches a black ear. He shakes David off, which results in happy squeaks, and changes back to human.
"Leave my ears alone," he says to Petra. "Mommy does enough damage." Beckett casts him a dyspeptic glare. He removes Petra's fingers, and cuddles her. David comes in search of cuddles too.
"Wanna play," Petra says. "'Anie won't play. Don't like 'Anie."
"That's not nice."
"Don't care. 'Anie not nice."
Out of the mouths of babes, Beckett thinks as she gets a glimpse of Lanie's face on hearing that little gem.
"Since I was nineteen," she says to Ryan, who performs some very obvious calculations. He really must stop counting on his fingers. It's embarrassing when you're north of age ten.
"Before the Academy? How did you get through training?"
"You shouldn't have got through the medical," Lanie says: more accusing than enquiring.
"By not telling anyone," Beckett states with flat irritation. "Because I knew that I'd get this – nonsense." She manages not to use any words that she wouldn't want the twins to know.
"Okay," Castle says tiredly. He's been remarkably quiet so far, which is entirely unreassuring. The tone of his voice is also not reassuring. Both together indicate that his normal cheerful placidity is seriously ruffled – not to say on the point of snapping. "Can we at least trust you three to keep this quiet? Though if you don't, Gates is already briefed and will shut you down hard if it's mentioned. She was supportive." Beckett blinks at the flat statement. That's a pretty loose use of supportive. "Guess we've found out who our friends are. We get that you can't deal with it. You can leave any time you like. Just keep your mouths shut about us. Ryan – that means you don't tell Jenny either."
There is a short, very unpleasant silence. Beckett moves closer to Castle, and collects the children again.
"The door is that way," she says, with a sharp gesture. "It's the twins' bedtime. Goodnight." She stands up with Petra in her arms, Castle follows with David, and all four of them go to the kitchen to organise milk, which is taken upstairs.
The silence that they leave behind is deathly. Lanie, Espo and Ryan look helplessly at each other.
"Panthers?" Ryan says faintly. "That's… weird."
"Never mind panthers, we just got thrown out. Didn't you hear that?" Lanie says. She looks utterly miserable. "My favourite niece doesn't even like me any more."
"Maybe you shouldn't have shrieked and refused to play with her," Espo says snidely.
"You were the one who was racist about them," Lanie snaps back. "And don't think I didn't notice you hiding out on the couch."
"Least I didn't actually throw one of them away like a soda can. And I wasn't racist."
"Speciesist, then. Whatever. You'd've killed anyone who said but you're not white to you."
"Yeah, you didn't push them away 'cause you never got near any of 'em. Beckett's babies an' you won't even give them a hug."
"I don't do kids."
"Reassuring," Lanie says cynically.
"Ugh. That's disgusting." Ryan winces.
"I don't like kids. Loud, snotty and then they cry. Bit like Ryan after the Knicks play."
"Hey!" Ryan squawks. "It's you two who screwed this up. I was getting my head round it when you started making dumb comments."
"Yeah, right. You screwed up just as much."
"I'd've apologised if you two had ever shut up an' let me have a word in edgeways."
"Would you hell. You were screaming like a scared little girl."
"Like you were so cool with it. You were just as scared."
"Are you still here?" Castle enquires coldly, as he and Beckett come back down the stairs.
"You've made it pretty clear you can't cope," Beckett adds. "Take your arguments elsewhere. Our children need their sleep, and your shouting is disturbing all of us."
Castle stalks over to the door, and puts his hand meaningfully on the handle to open it. "Good night," he says. It sounds disturbingly final.
"I'll see you at work, Detectives. ME Parrish," Beckett says. That sounds even worse. She has pulled on her full senior detective persona and rank, which she never does with them.
"But Beckett…"
"But nothing. You can't accept us so you can leave."
"You haven't given us more'n a minute to get used to it. You drop somethin' like this straight in our laps without any warnin' an' expect us to be happy?"
"I expected you to be our friends, not a bunch of bigoted jerks!"
There is another deadly silence.
Thank you to all readers and reviewers. Very much appreciated.
