Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed and/or Gundam Seed Destiny. Sunrise owns them. I simply toy with the characters.

Summary: Her end is the beginning of him. Shinn Asuka will tell you the story of how a woman changed his life....for the worse.

A/N The format will maintain from chapter 3, conversation between Shinn and Lacus.


CHAPTER 4: Raison d'être, a game and second intermission

The number of people was perhaps the reason that she did not pay attention to the people who entered the bar. The eccentric-looking comedian that has successfully grappled the hearts of every patron; considering the howl of laughter echoing the establishment and the additional glasses visible on her tabletop only added to her lack of concentration. Cagalli sat there quietly, in her own world, with only her drink as her company. Decided that it was best to approach her before she flew off again, Shinn took careful steps, either between not to piss off other people by bumping against them and not to let her noticed upon his incoming.

Before he could take another step, carefully removed himself from a swaying drunkard whom had almost knocked him off, Shinn was pulled to his side by a flimsy yet strong arm.

To his surprise it was his lanky cohort and also the son of Sombre's owner. "Billy, when did you get back?"

"Where are you going?" Shinn scowled in response when his inquiry was answered with another question. Well, he couldn't exactly blame him when the volume of their surrounding was earsplitting. Then again, why was he asking the obvious? Of course he's going to find a sit, except that….

"Your sit supposed to be there." Billy pointed his thumb toward the two empty stools by the counter, his usual spot. And he was actually heading to the table that has been occupied by her.

"Of course," He said sheepishly. "Some girl caught my attention." He tried to reason but the boy's brow arched, obviously seeing through his lies but didn't delve into it.

"Anyway, my drinks on you tonight."

"And why is that?" Put aside the fact that he's low on cash, Billy's the son of the bar's owner; he could have free drinks anytime he want. "Did your old man finally realize that it was best to throw you out than having you still hanging under his flabby armpit at the age of 17?"

"Fuck fuck fuck you, Shinn Asuka!! You'll be sorry! I'm telling you…"

That does it, he was sure that between the loud sound and Billy's shrieking, she'd definitely could hear his full name being called, loud and clear. "Chill Billy. I'm just playing with you. So….. what's the deal?"

"Got a message for you."

"Hm?"

"Well, not exactly a message but you would thank me later for this bit of information."

--

Aren't you going to tell me the rest?

Does it even matter to you? I thought Cagalli is your priority?

That may so. However, your case is no less important. If I should remind you…

Yeah, yeah. I need help.

So…

So, I'm going to tell you just once. If you're curious about this Billy boy… he's a messenger. Well, sometimes he can be considered as a dispatch too.

A messenger…. for whom?

They're nameless. I'm not even sure if it's an organization at all and how many people associated with it. Although I know that they're a band of radical activists, trying to obliterate the government. You should have heard of the ruckus going on in Orb. It was highly likely their job.

I heard about it. As much as we would like to give a hand, an intervention from ZAFT is not possible. Ever since the third war and Cagalli's resignation, Orb has cut all diplomatic ties with us…… Shinn, what are you to these people?

…….. I am nothing but their lap dog, serving them when I was needed. I was a mercenary when I left ZAFT, working for all sorts of people, assassinating, kidnapping. In other words, I'd do anything for money. But the jobs never satisfy me to the fullest. It was my motivation of leaving ZAFT; to fight with mobile suits and after the war, the demand for elite pilot was slowly decreasing. But….. pulling trigger of a gun also could never be compared to that of a mobile suit. The adrenaline rush knowing that you're putting you lives on the line, seeing the sparkles of beam as they went through your enemy cockpit…..

Stop it, please….. Shinn, you're losing it. This is not why ZAFT was formed in the first place. Not to create a monster craving for blood spills. If you wish to fight, why didn't you try to channel it into 'fight to protect' instead?

I didn't have to justify my stimulus of fighting anymore; it couldn't be understood. Heck even I could not understand myself. I came to believe Athrun's words during the end of second war, when he beat me to pulp, he was right after all. I put Luna and Plant as my reasoning; like you said, to protect but…. that was not it. I guess my bloodlust could not be sate even when the war was over. You flagged out your propaganda of peace when you join the Supreme Council, which made it even worse. Plant was nothing but peaceful Babylon.

Isn't that what we supposed to achieve, after battling countless of times? Losing the one you loves? I shouldn't be telling you these, you should know better….. Shinn, tell me… did we make a mistake?

You sure didn't but some people just did not appreciate your hard work. I'm for one……. But some people were losing their jobs.

………Shinn what are trying to tell me?

Like I've told you… you shouldn't have wasting your precious time on me….. At that time, Billy consulted to me. He maybe a dispatch but his father's intelligence are everywhere in the organization. That helped him a little. So he found out about the shipment we had from Plant.

A shipment? From Plant?

Yes, they were mobile suits.

Are you saying that you received supply of mobile units from Lagrange 4?

I'm not concerned into things like where did the suits come from or who's the dealer, we're never told the details but yes, it was from one of ZAFT's arsenals. Shame isn't it? Knowing that there's a pit hole in your petty demonstration of peace.

…..Not as shame as having someone like you to turn on your back against your own people.

………. She wouldn't agree with you?

You mean Cagalli?

Who else?

Why did you think so?

I wouldn't have to think of it. She'd tell me. I guess we should be continuing. We've been off track for quite a while.

I'm going to have a hard time to trust your story from here on. Because up until now, your portrayal of Cagalli differs from the Cagalli we knew all this while. For one, Cagalli didn't drink and you just said she would not agree with me and I find it harder to believe for someone as idealistic and loyal to her country as Cagalli to turn on her back to her people.

I've told you…. I'll make you swallow all your words in one go…. I'll show you the dark side of your beloved Cagalli.

--

Shinn couldn't hide his giddiness upon the revelation by Billy anymore. The mobile suits have arrived and it would be a matter of time until he could be strapped into one of those cockpits's sit and launch till his heart content. Billy had left when he received another call for delivery not so long after he shared the good news. Shinn's mind had already been accommodated by various ways of celebrating the news. He had thought of the waiting Lyla and speaking of Lyla, he remembered the reason why had he decline her offer, asking her to wait for him.

Walking on to the front where the patrons were gathering, his eye roamed around the threshold, searching for a certain someone.

And to his surprise, she was there? He had thought that she'd leave the place if she's smart enough, only that she couldn't…. because there's some guy who was accompanying her and thus kept her in place.

The man seemed to be talking gibberish stuff, considering how she looked so uninterested with the one-sided conversation, although she did nod once in a while, pretending to be a good listener when her eyes were clearly fixed onto the liquid swirling in her glass as she cocked it from side to side. Shinn comprehended the fact that she knew it was not a good thing trying to mess with the men in the town.

However, that's not going to stop Shinn Asuka. There's just one little trick to dispose off the man.

Interrupting the pair shall be his first move.

"Hey," He said as he neared the table. It was amusing to see how Cagalli tend to have this strange look whenever he was closed by. It was the defensive façade she put on or the visible rigidness of her body language; either it was between disgust and fear…

The man however had the sense of rebuking when he noticed someone more good looking guy than he does were about to disturb their moment together. It surprised Shinn more than anything that this man actually looked interested in her.

Before Shinn could further his reason upon his intervening, Cagalli had already stood and went to his side. "Shinn, where have you been?" She had asked and for that she received puzzle look from both men.

Did she really wait for him…..? Of course she didn't, she's just find the opportunity of escaping from the man's clutch by pretending…

Well, it wouldn't hurt to take this charade even further. So he slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him. Her body immediately went stiff as stone, although her eye remained stoic, perhaps trying to mask her abhorrence of his idea of them having an intimate relationship and at the same time, wouldn't put a fake contented smile even when her life depends on it. Shinn had to surpass a laugh for that. She was clearly an open book.

"So, this man has a business with you?"

"……. He was telling stories. Mr….."

"It's Geoffrey." The man said, smiling sheepishly.

"Yes, Mr. Geoffrey. I…Em, Shinn and I should be heading out soon." She said wryly, forcing herself not to shrug off his hold.

And so, he successfully rescued her from the clutch of the evil Mr. Geoffrey who utterly looked like a decent man. Not that he cared.

They were out of the bar when she finally seethed to him. "It would be wise if you let go of me."

"Geez, I saved your sorry ass back there and this is how you repay me, you ungrateful…" He let himself trailed off before uttering the word that will surely have her throwing punch into his face while letting his arm dropped off her shoulder, not so fond of having his arm around her either.

"…… Thank you." And he never saw that coming at all. "But I don't appreciate your method."

"I don't either."

"Then don't act as if you were trying to save me."

He didn't say anything at that. She was silently asking for a favor back then but didn't expect his cooperation much less the collaboration in their make-believe relationship.

"……….I'm going home." She simply said before leaving him to his contemplation.

"……How bout a drink." He shouted back and regretted his words, but there's no turning back. He was beyond curious after all. So, he jogged and stop in front of her. "It'll be on you."

By then her façade was priceless. She seriously thought that he was joking but seeing how he was serious about it she couldn't help but asked, "Why do you think I want to do that?"

"Just think of it as a charge for helping you out. You're not that heartless aren't you? I'm low in cash right now, you see." It's true, it's been more than a month since he got his last pay from previous mission.

Huffing at his lack of shame in asking a woman to pay for his drink she replied, "I see you don't have a problem for a call girl."

"What? You were saying something."

"It's nothing. Come…" Cagalli said as she led the way.

"Where are we going? Sombre is over there."

"Don't think too highly of me. I'm no more richer than you are. Malchio's orphanage should have some leftovers."

--

So what happened to the children?

You didn't ask Cagalli?

She said she wouldn't know. She hadn't come by for years.

Of course she didn't. Cagalli had other concerns to deal with. The children were either grew up like any other kids and left the place or they were killed in the third war.

And the house is intact despite of the massive bombings?

We rebuilt it again, hoping that they'd return. Some of them did and some of them didn't. And after several years later, after Reverend Malchio's death, there's no one to manage the orphanage.

--

"I was kind of surprise when I saw this deserted house lit up. You're the ghost who has being haunting the town's children."

Cagalli was fumbling with the keys while Shinn made his own commentary about the house. He never got into this house, not this one, although the design was almost the same as the previous one. He remembered the last time when they were celebrating thanksgiving in the house. Cagalli did not join at that time and Athrun looked a little somber. It was ironic that not just the kids who were the only orphans. Even he himself, Kira, Athrun, Lacus Clyne, Luna and Meyrin. They share the same fate as those kids and were forced to become adult before they could reach their twenties. It's strange when he thought about it, he was definitely happy during the time and how did he end up like this?

"Are you coming in or should I just shut the door before you stupid face."

He noticed her sudden attitude when they were half way reaching the house. Her cranky mood was quite obvious and he suspected that she'd regret over inviting him after all.

"You live here by yourself?"

There was a sudden tension in the atmosphere when he had asked that, her motion of pulling off her jacket went still as she ingested his query. He didn't think he had asked the wrong question. Or did he?

But trust Shinn not to pour salt on an open wound….. "Or did your friends just ditch you into this godforsaken nation?" He chuckled at that.

As much as she wanted to throw a punch or two into his smug face, she decided it was best if she overlooked his attitude, she came to learn that. Athrun had once mentioned to her of Shinn's temperamental problem and he said he's even worse than her. Putting aside her flickering anger, she abruptly changed the subject. "Say, do you have any idea why this place full of wine and stuff?" She didn't expect her words to come out as a flat growl but her prior anger couldn't be subsided so easily.

Shinn had this odd look where his one brow curved and his mouth was slightly agape when she fronted her query; it was either he was puzzled at the fact she was asking question concerning this house when she is the obvious resident here or either it was her demanding tone when asking question. "Being mighty lord princess all over me won't answer your query, princess." So it was the latter after all.

"But if you wish to know…." He said wryly as he rubbed the back of his head. "…. This place used to be a refugee camp back during the dark years, that's what I heard. And most probably this house used to be the in-command's headquarter."

So that's why the position of the furniture were all different from the last time she'd seen them and the white curtains that were supposedly used to cover the couches and sofas were removed when she arrived a few days ago. That put her a lot through the whole sprint cleaning process. "……. What of the refugees?"

"……. I have no idea. They didn't stay too long and I didn't come here until several years later to know the details. Why are you curious, Athha?" He didn't like her asking about the details that will surely lead to his activist's doings and his association with the organization he's involved with if she probed longer.

"It's Hibiki."

"What?"

"Don't call me Athha. It's Hibiki."

--

I am just assuming this, but Cagalli might have known of your gallant activities when she asked about the refugees' whereabouts.

I suspected that but it was not possible that she knew everything about it, although she might've suspected I was involved. I never realized it until now, how she was a little too perceptive of that matter. Come to think of it, why did she wasted her money for cheap beers when she had loads? The first time she went downtown………the first time…………DAMN!!

What is it, Shinn?

Don't you see, the first time she went downtown, it wasn't unintentional. No outsiders would have stop by the towns if they're aware of its reputation. She had business there. All the while, she had been suspicious of the town. She came because she was investigating the town. After all, why would she visit Sombre regularly when she had tons of drinks in her house?

Shinn, are you saying the missing refugees….?

Yes, they're the town people. It wasn't entirely safe when they resided the abandoned orphanage, so they moved out. But why……….didn't she say anything?

Because Cagalli never trust you from the very beginning. You're familiar of the town despite of you joining the community later. She couldn't put herself in risk although you're acquainted to her. No, come to think of it you were never acquainted to each other. Yes, you were in bad terms and….

We're enemies.

If you wish to describe it as so.

……….

It seemed that Cagalli didn't want her motive to be known. We were blinded by her bogus reasoning. I do not understand, what was she trying to accomplish all by herself?

…….. Never mind that…..Anyway....it was true after all. I wasn't quite sober and my system wouldn't allow me to remember of the tabloids saying the Athrun Zala was betrothed to some local woman with the name Hibiki. So I guess it wasn't a rumor after all.

She had her reason when she decided to change her name, although Kira decided that he would not change his. She thought by throwing off Athha from her name she'd carried less burdens. She thought that she might forget if it's only a little.

Forget her failure..

…. I wouldn't say that but, yes, that's what she said. Do you have any distinct idea why she changed her surname?

……It wasn't my presumption, but surprisingly that night, I was sober enough to comprehend her words, therefore she added a little more details into her reasoning.

--

There was a mini bar situated near the lounge center where the fire from the fireplace crackled, lighting up the area. The rack behind the counter was fairly empty and Cagalli had to open the small secretive storage under the mahogany counter to grab some bottle of beers. They sat on the empty stools while talking trivial things, not sure whether it was the alcohol that stimuli the sudden openness in the conversation. Either way by the time the grandfather clock announced the hour for the fourth time, they had pretty much know about each other, like how Shinn was told that she was an adopted child, how she came to find out that he has the problem of inferior complexity and why did she changed her name from Cagalli Yula Athha to Cagalli Yula Hibiki.

"So you were saying that you feel guilty? That is why…"

"It was a penalty for an outsider like me and a compensation for the Athha and the whole noble families…….. I didn't want to dirty father's name any longer. But……. that's not just it."

Shinn took another swing directly from the bottle and pour the rest into her half empty glass for the sake of erasing the sudden sullen mood.

"I……..Kira and I found out our origin. Kira's true nature and our separation from inside of our mother's womb. My real father and mother….. They are Ulen and Via Hibiki. Both Natural who tried to surpass God, creating the ultimate coordinator. It saddens me…"

"What? Of your brother's fate?"

"No…… I came to think, why didn't my parents made me into one instead? I was jealous of Kira. Of his ability, of what he's capable of. If I was one, I could have saved Orb from burning to the ground, I could save my face, I could visit the Athha cemetery without feeling like catastrating myself…" She paused for a false chuckle. "…maybe I could save your family too."

Shinn was suddenly reminded of his dream, where he saw the images of her cuddling Mayu's arm flashed behind his eyes. He felt like puking, for a second, he could swear that the rotten smell was evident.

"H-hey, let's play a game." He said. The only way he thought he could escaped from this nightmare is by changing the bitter subject.

--

I was surprised that she had high tolerance of alcohol despite you were saying that she didn't drink. But like any normal people, she lose control of her system after countless of glasses in a night.

Did she really say that?

I wouldn't lie.

She wanted to become a coordinator. We never knew that.

Yes, if you squished her words together and sum it up, yes she clearly wanted to become one. Well, I was surprise, for a self-proclaiming neutral……

Please continue, about the game you were saying.

Yes, it was a random bullshit Billy had created during his intermission. It requires one's frankness to win the game, you see.

--

It was past 1 am by the time they were indulged in the silly game Shinn had proposed. The degree of stubbornness of both persons didn't seem to show any sign that the game was ending. Both kept lashing out the truth that neither will expose in normal circumstances.

"I've got one. I… I never wear panties under my dress during any grand occasion."

"What, not even a thong?"

Cagalli shook her head in return and they both laughed at the thought. He wondered, how long has it been since he had a good laugh? He wondered how long it has been for her too…?

By the time he came to declare that he had once in love with a natural, an Extended at that, for the sake of not giving up the game, she had return with something he should be expected years ago but not suspected during this time.

"I'll be marrying Athrun in 3 month time." It should have been an undisclosed information, one that either she or her close friends agreed not to reveal in long period considering her history but she was intrigued when she found out that Shinn, at one time in his life had once indulge in an unsuspected relationship with a natural. So, she could not but to return the thought with the same notion, albeit a far more different circumstances.

"Here's another one, I don't believe that a coordinator could end up with a natural."

With that said, she was silenced instantly but her head was swaying dangerously as she tried to keep up with her senses. "What sort of answer is that?"

"It's true. I came to not believe. It has been decided by God." He said as he pointed his index finger to the ceiling.

"Well, tell your God to mind his own business."

He shook his head and smile at her drunken manner. If he didn't know any better, he might think that his drinking partner for tonight is someone else. "I just don't. Based on my experience."

"You mean Stellar? I'll make you believe. If not, I'll break this fate you so confidently put on."

"By marrying Athrun? I don't see how you can……… Then, I'll do the honor by breaking your engagement."

"What?"

"Proceed with the game. I'll break your engagement. The rules never stated that you can say what you have in your mind nor does it prohibit it."

She smirked at that as she laid her head on the countertop. "What, you fall for me already?"

--

No.

Then what did you mean by saying that you'll break her engagement?

I was going to prove my point right.

So, how did you plan on breaking their engagement?

. I never thought of it. The idea came out in the heat of the game. I wasn't going to let her win. Don't get me wrong or anything. I never planned on doing so. It was basically a future-prospect statement, one we couldn't expect to happen or not. She believed it will happen and I don't.

The game was based on fact and you proved the game to be precise when it came to determining one's future. Your prospect is right, the wedding is off. Except that you didn't foresee the consequences of it because if it's not what had happened to her, Cagalli would have been marrying Athrun by now.

…....

Tell me when did you start to believe so?

.....When Stellar died in my arms.

--

The game ended as she fell into her slumberland with her head still resting up on the countertop. Shinn contemplated that it was highly impossible for him to return to his apartment without being hit by a car or drowning himself in the sea. So he resolved in spending his night in her house, without her permission.

He stumbled from the stool and dragged himself to the nearest couch where he lay comfortably. He was immediately taken over by sleep, with the owner of the house remain forgotten by the bartop.

It was when he thought he could sleep peacefully that he found himself in the white room from before. It was the exact same place and the same situation when he saw her hugging her knees closely to her chest. Her hair was as long. His mind was completely aware of the circumstance and what's about to happen next but he couldn't find himself to divert the current situation from the actual dream. He wanted to ignore her and leave but he found himself walking further, closing the gap between them until he was standing few steps away from her. He knew what'll come afterwards, her weeping, her sorries. He wanted to escape but found herself following the written script of his dream from before. And then that moment came, the time he feared the most, with her holding Mayu's arm and the horrendous background of human's parts and blood, the distinct smell….

Will he fall from his bed again, only to end this nightmare?

He wasn't falling. There's no bed, he remembered. He was sleeping on a couch…..

He wanted to end this …..once and for all.

--

And then I realized, the only way I could end the dream is by continuing where it left off. I must do something, anything to stop her mantra. I didn't want to hear her apologies, I didn't want to forgive her.

--

He had his fingers curled around her neck by then, putting so much pressure in each second that past, until her words were inaudible. More pressure, and Mayu's arm fell to the bloody ground with a small splash. And strangely enough, she seemed contented at that. He swore that he saw her mouthing 'thank you' instead of 'sorry'.

His vision became bleary with his falling tears and the red and white backdrop of the dream modified into a cushiony material. He was back into reality. Despite of the dream ending, the twitch of the pulse desperately pumping blood under his sweating palm was still evident. It seemed more real with the presence of sweat and heat.

Shinn shook off his bleary eyes only to see an un-bloodied Cagalli Yula Hibiki pressed under him with his fingers secured around her neck. She was dying and he was the reason of it..

"Sh-Shinn!!" She croaked.

Let go

All he needed to do is let go.

Another small pressure and he would crush her windpipe.

His sense finally reel back and he instantly pulled off. His breathing was heavier and he thought he almost hyperventilated despite of she's the one being strangled.

Cagalli coughed horribly, her eyes bloodshot, and her lung desperately craved for air as Shinn finally spared her life.

Shinn did what first came into his mind and ran off to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water in hand. He had offered it to her and she took it and emptied the glass hastily. Seeing that her cough has yet to sate, he went back to the kitchen and returned with a jug of water.

After several minutes have passed, when Cagalli had finally being able to breathe properly, he propelled her arm around his shoulder and let her rest onto the couch, all the while looking baffle with the whole situation. He was torn between wanted to grab his coat and dash toward the front door or carry her to the hospital.

She looked at him for a moment and he didn't saw any hint of resentment of what he did behind that amber eyes. The glistening iris, for God's sake, he tried to kill her and…. she was sympathizing him?

"You…" She began, her voice was beyond husky but he could still comprehend her words. "You were crying." She stated as a matter of fact.

His eyes widen after hearing of what she had to say in subsequent to the entire ordeal.

He was beyond confused.

Why did her presence triggered such dream?

How did she easily look over of what he almost did?

Shinn suspected even the Cagalli in the dream wouldn't mind if he were to kill her. As though her suffering could lessen….

--


A/N As much as I don't want to rush Shinn and Cagalli's relationship, I would not have them kill each other in sight (considering their past being enemy). They're both grown up adults and will deal their problems sensibly. I planned to have this story a little darker, but I completely fail. So I didn't explain Cagalli's resignation as Orb's representative. Surely will explain in future chapters.