Manipulating Masochists
It hurt, Holy Mother of God did it hurt, The pain was all consuming and in a strange way that was nice. It took his mind off things, it narrowed his world until it was nothing but the pain and the pain was him. It was his mother, his father, his lover, his friend, his.....
"Better?" Dumbledore asked.
Snape realized that he had been jolted back to full consciousness through the liberal amount of pain-suppressant that Dumbledore had just poured down his throat. Reality reinserted itself, he groaned.
"I'll take that as a yes", said Dumbledore, who was scrutinizing Snape with his intense blue eyes."Well?"
"He suspects" said Snape.
Dumbledore sighed "How?"
"It could be because I haven't given him anything useful in the past five years. Or because you seem to be exceptionally well informed. Or because, despite the fact he's a mad melodramatic sadist with a snake fetish, he's not actually stupid".
Dumbledore look at Snape interrogatively, "Or perhaps you've been letting thoughts like that float around too close to the surface. It might pay to be a little more..."
"Subservient, submissive, spineless, slytherin..."
"I'm sure you're all of those things, when you meet him, or you wouldn't come back. No, I meant that you should perhaps be less... angry".
"If he could sense any of that I'd be dead".
"Maybe he suspects that it's there? Hence his current angst".
"Are you suggesting I should forgive him?"
"Certainly not. However, it may not pay to allow oneself to become caught up in judging him. While understandable this is not really one's function is it?"
"Only upstanding Gryffindors have the right to judge others".
"Only people in less dangerous occupations have the liberty to judge others".
"Maybe.......".
"What?"
"Never mind".
"Never mind what?"
"It's nothing".
"Please share with the class Severus".
"Maybe I shouldn't do it anymore". This came out in a rush, like he had been trying to build up the nerve to say it for some time. Inwardly Snape cursed at how weak he sounded.
Dumbledore studied him intently. "I thought you said you would give me 'anything' Severus?"
"They're safe now......."
"But for how much longer, I wonder, without your vital information?"
"I'm not your only spy".
"But you are my best one".
"I've paid".
"Have you?"
"I worked for him for five years and you for five years. It balances out, doesn't it?"
"Does it Severus? Does five years of penance cancel out five years of sin? I believe your sentence in Azkaban would have been considerably longer than five years".
"I probably wouldn't have been in constant mortal danger in Azkaban".
"Would you prefer Azkaban?"
"Are you threatening me?"
Dumbledore threw up his hands in exasperation and stood up, so that he towered over Snape in the bed. "You helped create a monster Severus. It is your responsibility to help destroy it".
"Fine, I'll fight. I just won't spy anymore".
"Don't you think it's your duty to do all that you are capable of doing?"
"I can fight. I can make potions. I can be useful doing things other than spying".
"What happens if everyone just gave up? If everyone decided that this was too risky, too unpleasant, and just stopped fighting?"
"That would be a lovely way to end the war. If you the Dark Lord and associated lackeys decided that you couldn't be bothered anymore and laid down your arms. Although I admit it would be somewhat anti-climatic".
"You know that is not what I meant". Dumbledore covered his eyes with his hands as if greatly saddened by something. Snape felt an irrational stab of guilt at having caused it.
"I love you Severus, despite all your faults I love you, which is why it pains me when you turn to your baser instincts, when you allow fear to conquer love. Don't you love Lily, Severus? Won't you do anything to protect her?"
"I love a time that has passed", said Snape slowly. "I love what might have been. But we have both changed too much. It's time I moved on".
"To what Severus? Forgive me for saying this, but you have led something of a cursed life when it comes to love. Your father despised you, your mother saw you as another burden. Your one saving grace, your one true friend, turned away from you in disgust upon realizing what you truly are like. What makes you think your luck will be better elsewhere?"
Snape glared at Dumbledore. "I know what your doing, manipulative old man. You could at least show some respect for my intelligence and do it more subtly".
Dumbledore smiled sadly and raised his hands in mock surrender. "The truly tragic thing about you Severus is that you are so perceptive, so intelligent. You can see what other people try to hide in the shadows. This means that you can perceive quite clearly that while I am trying to manipulate you, I am also telling you the truth. I think you have few delusions about your own nature".
"You're just mirroring my fears and insecurities back at me".
"Yes, but what makes you think your fears and insecurities aren't well grounded?"
"So I'm pathetic, unlovable and redeemed only in martyrdom," said Snape sarcastically.
Dumbledore smiled sadly at him and reached forward to brush some hair from Snape's face. He was pleased that Snape did not flinch away from him.
"My brave boy", he began "You wonderful man. I am merely trying to help you realize your full potential. Your love and the sacrifices you make for this love are the best thing about you. They turn you into a brave solider, a noble warrior and a savior of the innocent. It is the one thing darkness can never touch and never tarnish. I beg you, do not cast aside your love lightly, for it is your guiding light and without it I fear that you will become lost again in the darkness. Now, about Tom and his suspicions…..".
There, I finally fixed the frigging frustrating and flumoxing formating :)
Thank you to Wynnleaf for making this comprehensible. She's a legend. any mistakes you find are not her fault. I wish she would write something herself with a sarcastic Snape and Malfoy in it.
Yes; in case you are wondering the style of writing in the chapters from harry's perceptive are meant to reflect the fact he is a child. I was apologising for doing things like writing "they're" instead of "their" etc.
am I too hard on dumbledore in this?
