Dipper Pines looked sadly at the shut door that would have appeared to anyone else as a vending machine. The Author, the one person he had wanted to meet all summer, was living in his basement, and he had only been able to catch brief glimpses of him. Today, Ford had emerged in the gift shop determined to capture a strange, extradimensional creature, only to return to his hidden lab the moment Dipper tried to help. Grunkle Stan told him to avoid getting involved with his "dangerous know-it-all" brother, but how could he? Mabel, seeing her brother's disappointment, decided to try another tactic.
"The season finale of Ducktective is airing this Friday!" she announced, waving a magazine with Ducktective's face printed on it. "That's all the mystery you need this week. Come on, quack with us, Dipper! Quack quack quack!"
"Ha ha, yeah," Grunkle Stan laughed. "Quack quack quack!"
"Why isn't he quacking?" Mabel asked, noticing Dipper's forlorn gaze at the vending machine and his distinct lack of excitement over the Ducktective finale.
Before Dipper could reply, Soos burst into the room from outside. "Hey dudes," he said, "I know you told me before, but I just cannot remember that code word for government vehicles. Would you, uh, would you mind telling me again? I thought it was 'apricots', but that doesn't really make sense."
"Soos," Stan asked, "those pesky agents are long gone and don't remember a thing. Now get back to dumping garbage into the Bottomless Pit."
Instead of immediately obeying, Soos pointed to the window. "But Mr. Pines," he said, "that looks exactly like their car. It's shiny and black and has FBI stickers on it. Was the word 'pineapples'? I'm thinking it was something fruity."
"What?!" Stan exclaimed, hastening to the window. Sure enough, another FBI agent's car was pulling into the Mystery Shack's parking lot. Once it parked, a single man with black hair carrying a tape recorder stepped out of it. "Holy Moses!"
"No, that definitely wasn't it. I'm sure it was one word."
Stan jumped away from the window and began shoving boxes over the area where Ford had just caught the octopus-shaped creature. "Soos, stick an out of order sign on that vending machine! Kids, tell him we are closed and nothing else until I get back. As far as any of us are concerned, until that guy leaves, Ford does not exist and there is no basement!" He sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him into his office and shut the door.
The twins and Soos looked at each other in confusion. "What's an FBI agent doing here?" Dipper asked. "We erased all of their memories."
"I don't know, dude," Soos answered, scribbling "Out of Order" onto a piece of paper and taping it to the glass front of the vending machine. "Maybe he just wants some mystery swag on the way to investigate somebody else."
Mabel scampered to the window and peered out of it. "Well, this agent is a completely different one from before," she observed aloud, "and ooh, he's kind of cute."
Dipper rolled his eyes. "Mabel, without even looking at him, I can guarantee he's closer to our parents' ages than ours."
"Hey, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the view. Quick, here he comes!" She stepped back from the window. Dipper tucked Journal 3 into his vest. Soos stood awkwardly in a corner, trying to blend in with the snow globes. When the man knocked on the door, Mabel opened it with a metallic smile.
"Hello!" she said sweetly. "Welcome to the Mystery Shack! Sorry to disappoint, but we're closed today. Feel free to come back tomorrow if you want a tour or some souvenirs. Oh, and might I add that your hair is very shiny? 'Cause it is, and I am loving it."
The man seemed surprised to be greeted by such a young girl, but he smiled and said, "Why, um, thank you. I saw you were closed, but I'd like to have a word with the owner if he's around. A Mr. Stan Pines, so I'm told."
"He'll be back in a bit," Mabel told him. "You'll have to wait."
"I don't mind. I'd like to have a look around. The name's Special Agent Dale Cooper. I'm investigating the mysteries of this fair town of yours and a Mystery Shack seemed like a natural first stop."
Dipper snapped to attention. The mysteries of Gravity Falls were all he had been studying all summer! Well, when he wasn't daydreaming about Wendy. Before he could say anything, he stopped himself, recalling what had happened the last time federal agents became involved with his life. Stan had been arrested, he and Mabel had almost been taken away by government, and Ford had to brainwash everybody just to fix everything. Plus, now he had secrets of his own to cover up, namely the Author living in his basement and his interdimensional portal. Still, this man seemed very different from Agent Powers and Agent Trigger. There was something in the way that he carried himself and talked that felt genuinely friendly.
"Really?" Dipper asked. "What kind of mysteries did you have in mind?"
"Oh, anything really," Agent Cooper replied, stepping inside. "Conspiracies, secrets, whatever's hiding below the surface. Personally, I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, but any mystery will do. Mind if I look around the room while I wait for Mr. Pines?"
"Go nuts," Dipper told him, trying to hide his excitement at finding another kindred spirit.
Before Coop could give the area more than a cursory glance, Stan Pines stepped out of his office, fully dressed as Mr. Mystery, from his fez to his toes. The FBI agent greeted him immediately, "Federal Bureau of Investigation, Special Agent Dale Cooper. I trust you are Mr. Stan Pines, the owner of this establishment?"
"FBI, huh?" Stan asked instead of answering. "Is there something you're looking for? Trust me, you won't find it here. The Mystery Shack is a very legal, moral, and respectable business with no nefarious dealings whatsoever."
"I never suggested that it wasn't," Agent Cooper replied, noting Stan's statement as somewhat suspicious, almost as if he was trying too hard to deny something. "There were two other FBI agents who came through this town recently, and both were returned without any memory of what happened to them here."
"Huh," Stan said, crossing his arms. "Probably hit their heads or something."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, you know, branches, trees, yadda yadda. A big enough woodpecker can lop off a huge branch if it tries hard enough. All it takes is one bonk on the head and boom! Instant amnesia."
"That's certainly a possibility, but the Bureau seems to think that there is something bigger going on here. Mr. Pines, did Special Agents Powers and Trigger ever enter your gift shop?"
Stan pretended to think. "Hm…not that I can recall. I can't remember seeing them, but then again, a lot of people pass through here. I may be an old man, but I expect I'd remember a visit from the FBI. What exactly were they doing in Gravity Falls?"
"I believe the specifics of that situation are between me, my superiors, and the local sheriff department," Cooper answered. He looked around at the merchandise for a moment, then continued, "The one thing these agents could recall was a gift shop of some kind. This place seems to fit what little description they could come up with perfectly. Mr. Pines, would you swear that you have never seen these two agents before?"
He pulled out a photo of both Agent Powers and Agent Trigger and held it up to Stan's eye level. Stan squinted at the picture for a moment, then said, "Nope. Definitely neither of those two. I don't even know why they'd be in here. You've got to have a certain sense of humor to appreciate this place, and that guy looks like he doesn't have any. Not that I would know of course," Stan quickly added. "I've never met him. Maybe he's the funniest agent in the field. How should I know?"
The twins looked at each other nervously as Stan's mention of Powers's rare disorder caught Cooper's attention. "Yes, how should you know?" the agent mused. "Mr. Pines, I'd like to have a look around this…Mystery Shack."
"What? Why on earth would you want to do that?" the older man asked, chuckling a little bit in apparent disbelief.
"Just a hunch," Coop answered. "I get those a lot, and they usually prove correct at the end of the day. I presume you have nothing to hide, Mr. Pines?"
Grunkle Stan barely managed to keep himself from shooting a glance at the vending machine. "What? Something to hide? Are you kidding? I already told you, those agents were never here! What's left to hide?"
"You never know. Sometimes evidence is found in the least likely of places. Now, may I please take a closer look around?"
Stan's previously jovial expression darkened. "Look, pal, in case you haven't noticed, we're closed today. If you want to take the tour, come back tomorrow morning."
"That isn't exactly what I had in mind…"
"Well, that's what I'm offering you. I already told you all I know. If you want to search my private property, show me a warrant. Otherwise, we open at eight and you'd better bring your wallet."
His sudden hostility made Coop's hunch even stronger. Whether the agents had been to the Mystery Shack or not, there was definitely something going on that Stan Pines did not want him to know about. Still, he knew that there was no way he was going to investigate thoroughly enough as long as Mr. Pines stood before him with this attitude, even if he did have enough evidence for a search warrant, which he absolutely did not. He looked around again at the many eccentric and weird items for sale in the room, then faced the Mystery Shack's owner again. "Well then, I suppose I will have to return tomorrow morning. If you are aware of anything suspicious going on in Gravity Fall, however, I advise you to come and see me at the sheriff's office as soon as possible. That goes for any of you," he added, glancing at Dipper, Mabel, and Soos in his corner of snow globes. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Pines," he said with a polite nod before turning and walking out of the gift shop, whistling a cheerful tune to himself.
Before leaving, Dale decided to at least take a look around the outside of the Mystery Shack. He circled around, looking up and down its walls. There was little that stood out to him besides the "S" that had fallen loose from the tourist trap's sign, the general disrepair of the porch, and an unusually large number of triangularly shaped windows. In short, it was disappointingly normal looking. He shrugged and drove off to find the Woodpecker Inn.
Once the black car disappeared, everyone in the Shack released a sigh of relief. "Whew!" Stan said. "That was close. So much for Ford's genius plan to get the government off our backs."
"But Grunkle Stan," Dipper pointed out, "they don't have any record of that hazardous waste you 'supposedly' stole, and it doesn't sound like Agent Cooper has even heard of you. Are you sure this is even a problem?"
"Are you kidding?" his great-uncle responded. "If that agent finds out about Ford and his machine, all kinds of bad things could happen. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that that portal could unleash all kinds of havoc in the wrong hands. That goes for everything else in my brother's weird journals too. If they find it, the least they'll do is arrest me for fraud for impersonating Ford for the past thirty years. Trust me, we do not want Special Agent Whoever sniffing around here. Although," he added after a slight pause, "that guy did have a little bit of good news."
"What's that?" Mabel asked.
Stanley Pines's face betrayed a scheming grin. "That ridiculous Sheriff Blubs is the one helping him."
