I'm not really sure WHERE this idea came from. But I'm pretty certain I should have just left it there. But since I didn't, here we have….


Lost Scales, Part Two (The Unwanted Sequel)


Hiccup sighed in relief as closed the door of his house behind him. It had been a long day, and he couldn't wait to sit down and take some weight off his prosthetic leg. Stoic was off on a raid of one sort of another, so Hiccup had the house to himself.

It was days like this that Hiccup missed Toothless. Well, the OLD Toothless. The winged, scaly version. He had always been around to give Hiccup a hand when he was tired and unbalanced. Not to mention he was damned handy when you needed a fire started in the hearth!

Not that Hiccup was going to complain. The new human-shaped toothless was AWESOME! If nothing else it was great to be able to have a full CONVERSATION with his best bud. They met up almost every night at the bar and shared drinks, told jokes, and generally had a good time. Sure, they couldn't fly together anymore like the old days, but with enough mead (and good company to drink it with) he felt like he was on cloud nine after a few mugs anyway.

Unsurprisingly, Hiccup was a bit of a lightweight. But on he plus side, he was a very HAPPY drunk.

And Toothless himself was proving to be pretty popular with the village as well. The people of Berk took his transformation pretty much in stride. It helped that he turned out looking like the archetype of a proper Viking. Tall, muscular, and ruggedly handsome. Plus he was, technically, just as much a hero as Hiccup. They'd taken out the Red Death together after all.

Really, the two of them had a great time hanging out. Though Hiccup was always a little puzzled as to why Toothless kept saying he was such a great "wingman" when they hit the bar. What did wings have to do with drinking? All Hiccup did was hang around at the bar with Toothless, and sometimes chat up people who came by.

It never really dawned on Hiccup how often they seemed to be approached by women. In pairs. And somehow the hot girls would end up talking to Toothless, while he ended up chatting with the more.. Shall we say, rotund females. Honestly, Hiccup didn't care. He was simply ecstatic that ANYONE was willing to listen to him. After a few mugs of mead, he tended to forget he was a hero these days, and not the runt that everyone ignored.

For their part, the, shall we say, less physically beautiful girls were always rather pleased to be getting some attention from one of the village heroes. Pleased and distracted. Distracted enough for Toothless to make his escape, inevitably with the cuter of the pair.

After that things followed a fairly set pattern. Astrid would eventually show up and, SOMEHOW, the girl Hiccup was talking to about proper saddle design for dragons would realize she needed to be elsewhere. And her seat would immediately be occupied by a rather irate looking Astrid, whose anger always puzzled Hiccup. Mostly because he was, by this time, usually three sheets to the wind and totally clueless as to what had his girlfriend upset. So he'd smile at Astrid, mutter something unintelligible about how beautiful she was, and somehow manage to divert her anger to some 'hussies' that were moving in on her man.

Hiccup never did figure out who these 'hussies' were. But after she scared off whoever he was chatting with, Astrid would spend half the night publicly making out with him to mark her territory. So, hey, win for him!

It was weird though. Hiccup always kept a bed made up for Toothless so he'd have a place to spend the night. But he almost never took him up on it. Hiccup had worried about Toothless not having a house or anyplace to go, but the dragon turned human had just winked at him and told him not to worry… 'The Night Fury can always find a warm bed to spend the night in.'

Hiccup was pulled out of his memories by a loud banging on the door.

"Hiccup! Hiccup, let me in! Quick!" called a desperate rumbly bass voice.

Recognizing Toothless, Hiccup hurriedly staggered to the door and threw it open.

"Toothless! What's wro…" He didn't even finish speaking before the tall black haired boy was in the house and slamming the door shut, staring at Hiccup with wide, terrified eyes.

"You've gotta hide me buddy! Somewhere! Anywhere! Just HIDE ME!" He begged, shaking Hiccup by the shoulders as he panicked.

"S... S… S…Sure B.. B.. Buddy!" Hiccup gasped in relief as Toothless stopped shaking him hard enough to make his prosthetic rattle. "But who am I hiding you FROM?"

As if on cue, there was a loud hammering on the door. Toothless' eyes went wide in terror.

"From THEM!" He whispered loudly before vanishing up the stairs to hide.

Hiccup stared after him for a moment, wondering what, exactly, could frighten his friend so. Then he looked back at the door, which was practically rattling in its frame from the pounding it was taking. Swallowing nervously, the scrawny Viking reached out to undo the latch and open the door, imagining all manner of monsters and terrors outside.

And indeed, there WAS something terrifying outside.

It looked like half of the teenage girls in the village were gathered outside his door in a small mob. They were even carrying torches and pitchforks! And they were all glaring at him hard enough to set him on fire, their eyes filled with rage.

It was like staring at a hundred angry Astrids.

Hiccup shivered in terror at the thought and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by calls from the crowd.

"Where is that slimy reptile?"

"I'm going to castrate him!"

"Drag him out! Drag him out! Drag him…"

"I've been throwing up every morning since…"

".. said I was the only one for him!"

".. and missed my period twice!"

"Can't interbreed my ass! I'm gonna KILL…"

"We know he's in there! We KNO…"

"Dad's gonna kill me!"

"… PREGNANT!"

Hiccup could only stand there stunned by the cacophony of angry voices. Angry voices from angry women, who were carrying angry instruments of violence. This was in fact WAY too much like confronting a mob of Astrids for Hiccup's piece of mind.

"Ah.. . ah ladies, ladies! Please calm down!" He begged, gesturing for calm with his hands. All this succeeded in doing was drawing the FULL attention of several dozen angry, hormonal, and heavily armed young Viking females on him. He shivered.

"Ah.. Well.. you see, Toothless.. He doesn't usually stay here anymore. As.. as I'm sure you've all noticed." He swallowed nervously. "Ah.. He's been finding. . Other places to stay, at night. Maybe he's, ah.. with someone else?"

The girls turned to look at each other, talking amongst themselves.

"The string bean is right."

"Two timing winged snake!"

"I'll BET he's with another girl!"

"Who's not here with us?"

"Um.. Soretooth and Melinda are missing…"

"COME ON! Let's go get that bastard!"

With a roar of outrage, the mob turned on heel and headed off into the distance. Hiccup just stared after them in shock.

"Bizarre…." He whispered as he closed the door… before leaning back against it and sliding down to the floor with a sigh of relief.

"Hiccup! That was BRILLIANT!" Toothless descended the stairs with an enormous grin. "I thought I was dead for sure, since you can't lie to save your life!"

"I DIDN'T lie…" He sighed in relief at still being alive himself. "I never said you WEREN'T here." The two friends stared at each other for a moment before they broke out into relieved laughter.

Which was quickly interrupted by more angry pounding on the door.

"Quick! HIDE!" Hiccup hissed as he stood up. But before Toothless could even turn to run, the door as smashed open.

Revealing an enraged looking Astrid standing on the threshold.

"A.. Astrid! What a.. pleasant.. surprise…" Hiccup twitched as he took in the appearance of his girlfriend. Narrowed eyes? Check. Clenched fists? Check. Palatable aura of anger and violence? Check.

How could he have ever compared that measly mob of angry man-hating females to Astrid? A hundred mobs that size could never be as menacing as the real deal!

And suddenly his mind made a disturbing connection.

"Astrid? Why are you here? Did Toothless……" His words trailed off as he turned towards his best friend. Suddenly it was TOOTHLESS cowering, and Astrid's aura of rage seemed like little more than a campfire besides the raging inferno that was Hiccup.

"TOOOOOTTHHLLESSSS!"

"Hiccup! No way would I do that!" the dragon-turned-human swore. "You're my best friend! I'd never go poaching on your girlfriend!"

And just like that, Hiccup deflated. "Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?" He laughed nervously as the adrenaline left his scrawny body. He turned back towards his girlfriend.

"So if you're not here about Toothless… " Hiccup began curiously.

"I'm here about YOU Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third!" She growled angrily, taking a step forward and poking him in the chest.

"What? But what did I do?" Hiccup stepped back nervously, but Astrid wasn't letting him escape.

"It's what you HAVEN'T done that's the problem!" Astrid hissed at him.

"… Huh?" Hiccup stared at her blankly, completely at a loss.

"Did you know that I'm practically the LAST girl in the village that's still a virgin?" She demanded.

Hiccup just gapped. He turned towards a smugly grinning Toothless, then returned to gaping at Astrid.

"I am NOT going to be the last good looking girl in the village to get laid! Which is why YOU are coming with ME!" She grabbed his arm and hooked it around her own, practically dragging him out of the (now broken) front door.

"You're going to take me someplace ROMANTIC! You're going to whisper sweat things into my ear! And then we're going to screw like rabbits! Understood?" She demanded.

"Um.. Y. Yes ma'am!" He sputtered, still gaping as he was practically dragged out the door. Looking back, he could see Toothless standing in the doorway giving him two thumbs up.

"And the wingman takes flight!" The black haired boy called out, giving him a roguish grin.

This has been a BIZARRE night. Hiccup thought to himself. Then he turned back to look over at his very motivated, very determined girlfriend. And he began to consider exactly WHAT she was so determined ABOUT.

You know what? Bizarre is totally working out for me!


Yeah. You know, I really can't think of anything to say after writing this. Except, perhaps…. I'm sorry?

I mentioned my twisted psyche already, right? I SAID it was twisted….