Elizabeth threw herself on her bed, her cheeks burned with humiliation. She could not believe she had argued with James about intimacy of all things. He probably thought her a complete ninny. What a joke. He had married a woman who was utterly ruined and yet who still knew nothing it seemed. She buried her face in the pillow and told herself she was not going to cry. Not over something as silly as sex. That she didn't even want. That she had only been willing to offer James so he would see her. Really see her. Except she was stating to think that he did see her and now she had acted a complete fool in front of him. And he must think her foolish because for all she had argued with him, she knew now he was right. While nothing she had previously experienced had been at all pleasant, the way James had touched her had felt good. If she had not been so startled by the notion and put off by her own ignorance she could have let him carry on with the way he touched her - the thought made her shiver and she bit her lip.
Before she had laid with Will she had always assumed it would feel good to be with him. Every time she had kissed him she had wanted more even if she hadn't known what it was she wanted. But it hadn't been what she eventually got when they had preempted their wedding vows. She pushed aside thoughts of Will. It does not help thinking on him. It only made her angry or sometimes sad and angry and surely being sad was disloyal now she was married. She had given James her word and she meant to keep it this time. Being angry does not make her feel guilty but was not as if she had an outlet for her temper.
She curled up in bed for a long while she sulked, cross and frustrated with herself. She did not think she was going to sleep at all at this rate though after a while she does decided to change. The pretty nightshift had seemed very effective before she had spoiled things by being nervous. And argumentative. Once she'd changed into a old plain soft nightgown she smiled a little. No doubt James would be pleased if he knew, convinced as he was that the child was going to take some sort of chill if she was not throughly covered.
Then she sat on the window seat and stared out at the night, she could read of course - she had a lamp. Perhaps Sir Walter Raleigh could put her to sleep but in the end she decided that just because she had retreated in cowardly fashion it didn't mean she had to stay a coward. James' will no doubt be asleep by now and she can sleep in his arms without having to explain herself. Because that isn't cowardly at all, she scolded herself wryly.
He stirred when she slipped into his arms - he had not on their wedding night and he blinked at her in the dark. She leaned up to kiss him. "I changed my mind," she said. "Go back to sleep I did not mean to disturb you." He tightened his hold on her and brushed a kiss to her hair.
"Are you alright?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.
"I'm fine," she said. "I promise. Go back to sleep."
He seemed unconvinced but he nodded and relaxed beside her. And when he did she finally slept too.
She woke as she had many times of late - with the sudden knowledge she was going to vomit. She squirmed out of James' arms - he had one hand on her stomach again. But she pushed him off her before he got a deeply unpleasant awakening and rushed back to her own room to lose last night's supper in her wash basin. She found herself distracted by the pattern on the china but then she'd rather think of anything but the smell of vomit, the way her stomach roiled and the bitter taste of stomach acid.
"Are you alright?" James' voice startled her, and yet she could not reply - she was otherwise occupied. When she had nothing left to throw up she looked up to see him standing in the doorway worry written across his face and sighed - why on Earth was he watching this. "Is the ginger no good?" he asked. "Should we go back to the tea?"
"I don't know," she said. "I don't think it can be prevented entirely. Pregnant women just have to suffer it." She was not best pleased by it but everyone knows that.
"It is a particularly strange symptom," he said. "Surely you need extra food for the child - not to lose what you do manage to eat."
"Never mind," she said. "It does not go on forever." He has not moved from the doorway and while she would prefer he not witness her vomiting at least he hasn't come any closer. "I'm sure it will stop and then I'll be fat with child soon enough." He clearly was looking forward to that given the attention he pays her flat stomach. "Can you ring for my maid - I want a bath." And a fresh wash basin. James went at once to summon her maid. Of course by the time the maid deals with the mess, brings Elizabeth lemon water to rinse her mouth and a clean wash basin to wash her face - the water was still heating for her bath. And James no doubt had left for the fort already. Which at least spared her any further discussion about last night. She does not think they are done with that though - she would like to be. She'd prefer to pretend it never happened at all. She knew of course she could probably have her way in that - if she refused to talk about it then James would give way. But who knows what he must think of her now and pretending won't fix that.
When she was bathed and dressed, she decided she was not going to lay about the garden today - for all she has permission. She has not been to town in the few weeks since she arrived home given her disgrace and perhaps it would be nice to go out. She could buy her own sweets or find something intriguing at the book shop. And perhaps she might even find something to surprise James with. She had not even given him a wedding present and she should remedy that.
In the end, Elizabeth's day was not exactly as planned. She was cut directly twice in the street - but only by those who will consider her marriage to James a personal affront given they have marriageable daughters who reputations are not mud who have been passed over. Elizabeth thought they would regret it when they are not invited to the next event at the Governor's House. Everyone else was quite polite and it was strangely pleasant to have every officer who spots her hurry over to tip his hat to her and wish a good day to Mrs. Norrington. It was not even hard to get used to the new name really.
When Elizabeth was sixteen and not yet out and barely allowed near James or any other man for that matter, (a tactic her father probably regrets dropping,) she had filled pages in her diary with practiced signatures of Elizabeth Norrington. Though James had not been the only infatuation she had had who had made it in there as potential husband, he had definitely lasted the longest due to her long acquaintance and the rather dashing figure he cut in his uniform. Ironically the only one who hadn't made it to her diary was Will - not because Elizabeth hadn't fancied him but because while Elizabeth had always hidden her diary, she had also suspected her governess of finding and reading it. Interest in Will would have been taken straight to her father. Interest in eligible gentleman would not result in a scolding. Elizabeth had contented herself with a litany of rather unfair complaints and criticisms of the governess – who had been generally tiresome even without Elizabeth's suspicions, content that if she was reading she could not defend herself without admitting her crime. Which had helped pass what at the time had seemed the longest summer of Elizabeth's life as she waited for her debut. Elizabeth thinks this summer might seem nearly as long if pregnancy continues to be as tiresome as it was now.
She cannot buy anything for the baby yet even if she would like too. It would be hard enough to try and pretend it was an early child without her shopping for baby paraphernalia when they are barely wed. Yet she does sneak a glance at a few things. Surely most new brides are hopeful of being with child soon. And Elizabeth should be more so given how grateful people will expect her to be. Everyone except James apparently.
She buys another fancy nightgown - it was more lace than material and though it was overly frothy, she thinks the affect might be pleasing. Or at least distracting. She acquired two new books - one on running a household and a cook book. She was barred from the kitchens at her father's house based on several disasters when she was younger but she could be more domestic now. She does consider a rather torrid romance wondering if it might give her a better idea of what to expect without having to discuss it with James but she decided against it. Novels were never that accurate and god knew she did not want to be more ignorant.
She was no further forward on a gift for James but it was an otherwise pleasant day. She headed home pleased, only to find James came home early and then she felt guilty for not being there. For a moment anyway. But she had not done anything wrong - he had not said he would back sooner and he had not asked her to dance attendance on him. But it does seem a wasted opportunity and she abandoned her packages to sit to tea with him. He seemed a little distant and Elizabeth worried for a moment that he has not forgiven her last night when another explanation was forthcoming.
"I wanted to see you before I left," he said. And she was startled, surely he was not sailing already? This must have shown though as he quickly went on. "I have orders to go to Morant Bay – there is to be a court martial and they don't want only local officers. I should only be a few days." He reached for her hand. "I am sorry about the timing. I will take leave as soon as I return."
Elizabeth tried to hide her disappointment. "You will have to leave soon, or you'll be riding all night," she said softly.
"Yes," he admitted. "I know. And I have not had a chance to buy your pistols and . ."
He looked so guilty that she has to interrupt. "Well they wouldn't be much use to me without those lessons I was promised." This was untrue - she could handle a pistol just fine but it seemed to relax him and Elizabeth rather liked the idea of him showing her how to shoot. He smiled relieved and leaned into kiss her. She held tightly to him and returned the kiss. She was not sure where the rather improper notion came from but as soon as she thought it, it seemed the perfect solution. He did not have time to discuss this with her now so she could just admit she did want to know and then all she had to do was wait for him to come home. "And I would like the other lesson too," she said. "When you are home." He looked puzzled. "On how to be pleased," she said. "If you still want to show me." James kissed her then hard and pulled her against him.
"Of course I will show you," he said, in a low rumble and she can hear the want in his voice. "But perhaps your lessons might include just how wicked it is to tell me that when I am about to spend hours in the saddle."
"Oh," she said her cheeks pink. She had not thought of that but she still cannot help but tease him. "Well if you want to teach me to be wicked James on your own head be it." She cannot at all promise she would not have said something just because it was wicked. It was more likely to be the other way around. This does at least make him laugh and he left her with a smile and a kiss and a complaint about the length of the journey. Elizabeth can only hope this leave that he had requested would be granted. She was starting to get quite resentful of having to share her husband.
