Author's Note: I wish I had a solution for bouts of writer's block, but I managed to crank this neat chapter out! So we're seeing how everyone's dealing with what happened to Donnie, and Splinter decides to be the first to confront April over what she did and why. So we'll be getting some insight into what drove April to hurt Donnie, and the mysterious voice in her thoughts growing more and more threatening. Anyway, read and review!


Chapter 4: What We Could've Done Different

Leonardo sat uncomfortably on a rolling stool and stared down at his bedridden brother. After painstaking hours of work, which included using heavy amounts of epoxy glue and prosthetic pieces and blood from himself and Michelangelo, Donatello's condition became stabilized. Whether or not he would wake up was left in the air, and it had everyone anxious. The only sounds that told them his body remained alive were the heart monitor and breathing apparatus.

The leader in blue sat with tightened fists resting in his lap, the skin of his knuckles turning a very pale green. In his time as leader of this team, he had a few slip-ups that resulted in his brothers sustaining injury. Often, they would get back up and he would learn to be more careful. This time…this had to be his biggest failure left. Not even the chemical factory explosion could top this. At least then, they knew Donnie came back. Now, they didn't even know if Donnie would survive having his shell caved in. Even if he did, would he be stuck in a wheelchair or a bed the rest of his life?

I should've kept her off patrol.

Leo's head flooded with regrets. Donnie was the first to notice April's declining stability, and he ended up being the only one caring enough to try and fix it. He and the others, as much as he didn't want to admit it, ignored the problem and hoped it would go away. But it wouldn't go away as long as April held on to the crystal. Leo admitted to himself that he thought Donnie overreacted to April's behavior, until he himself got a taste of it. April shot at him over that crystal, after all. She shoved Mikey to the ground and said horrible things to all of them. And then…

Leo shuddered and put his hand to Donnie's clammy forehead. The turtle laying in the bed wasn't the Donatello they knew. Their Donatello would be up and about, talking about his latest inventions and telling Mikey not to touch them. He would be training with them, formulating plans to take down Shredder, cooking up retromutagen before joining them for pizza. He wouldn't be pale and broken, or have a mangled shell, or be kept alive with machines. He wouldn't be laying here like some corpse…

Sniffling from outside caught Leo's attention. With one last look at Donnie, he got up and exited the lab to find Mikey in the pit. Instead of watching TV or digging into a pizza with Ice Cream Kitty or cracking jokes, the youngest turtle sat hunched over, hugging himself as tears fell down. A quick look around told Leo Raph was probably in his room, leaving no one to comfort Mikey. Well, besides him on occasion…that was what Donnie often did. Leo swallowed back his own tears and took a seat next to his sobbing brother.

"Mikey…" Leo pulled his brother closer and wrapped him in a one-armed hug, rubbing his shoulder in a comforting manner. "Mikey, don't cry. Donnie'll recover…"

Mikey, however, shook his head in disagreement. Leo was shocked when his baby brother pulled away from his comfort. Mikey always gravitated towards comfort, but perhaps he just preferred Donnie's comfort.

"…I-It's all my fault, Leo."

Leo turned to Mikey in shock, asking, "What're you talking about?"

Mikey feverishly wiped at his eyes with his knuckles, letting out a series of sniffles and a few hiccups. "D-Donnie's hurt…b-because of me! I-If I hadn't…hadn't stolen April's crystal…s-she wouldn't be mad, a-and she wouldn't have…"

It hurt Leo that Mikey cried over Donnie, but it hurt even more to hear Mikey blame himself for the incident. They already admonished him for stealing it to satiate his curiosity, but not even he could've predicted April's out-of-character reactions to it. He couldn't have known she'd go over the edge; none of them did. Mikey didn't need to blame himself for something he could've never predicted.

"Mikey…I know you shouldn't have stolen the crystal from April." Leo began. Mikey sunk further into his seat, but Leo made sure to add, "But what happened to Donnie isn't your fault. You didn't know this would happen, and…April was the one who chose to take it too far."

"B-But…but she still got mad because of what I did!" Mikey argued, his voice broken and hoarse from crying. "She didn't get over it, a-and she took it out on D-Donnie! She should've-"

"No. Don't even suggest that you should've taken Donnie's place. You shouldn't wish for that, Mikey." Leo grabbed his baby brother by the shoulders and looked into his tear-flooded eyes, still fighting back his own tears. "We wouldn't want that for either of you. Donnie needs all of us to help him now."

The youngest turtle darted his eyes towards the lair exit. "E-Even April?"

Mikey noticed Leo visibly tense up at the mention of their friend; the person who attempted to kill their brother. He could understand why Leo and Raph were angry with her. Heck, he'd be wrong if he said he wasn't angry with her. But he didn't believe April was unrepentant about it from the way she broke down. He knew by the look on her face that she regretted what she did…but he couldn't shake the look on her face when she lifted Donnie up. If it came down to it, though, he would forgive her. Leo and Raph, though…

"Mikey…that's-"

"Don't even bring her up."

The two turtles saw Raph enter the pit, looking angrier at the mention of April. Of course, they both knew his anger hadn't cooled by the animalistic shouts coming from his room. His bruised and cut knuckles could only mean he took his rage out on either a training dummy or the wall. Of course, how else could he feel after knowing the first human they trusted just tried to off their brother? How would anyone else feel after seeing inexperienced people attempt to patch Donnie back together?

"Raph, don't let this get to you." Leo admonished. "Getting angry isn't going to wake Donnie up…"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to forget what April did to him?" Raph asked bitterly as he broke out into a sarcastic chuckle. "Leo, she tried to murder our brother! She showed she cares more about that crystal than any of us! You know what? Maybe I ought to throw her off a high place and see if she survives!"

Mikey shook his head and argued, "No, Raph! That's not gonna solve anything! Doing that to April's not what Donnie would want!"

"How would YOU know what Donnie wants!?" Raph shot back as his fist slowly pulled back and aimed for Mikey's face. "None of this would've happened if you hadn't-"

Raph suddenly stopped the moment he saw Mikey wither. Unlike Leo, Raph was only confirming his guilt, and about to blame him for Donnie's injuries. He was just angry, and he always said things he regretted when he got angry. To hear himself about to tell Mikey that it was his fault April went over the edge broke something inside of Raph, and he just leaned forward and wrapped his flinching brother in a bear hug. They needed comfort right now, and even Raph was willing to let it out if it meant coming to terms to Donnie possibly…leaving them.

"…I'm so sorry, Mikey…" Raph rested his chin on top of his brother's head and just held him close, feeling him sob into his shoulder. "I'm just worried that Donnie's not gonna make it…"

"B-But he's gotta make it! He's gotta make it so…s-so he can ask her why she did what she did!" Mikey muffled in protest from Raph's shoulder. "I wanna know why she did it, too!"

Raph immediately tensed up. Why did Mikey have to be so forgiving? Didn't he understand the gravity of the situation, or the betrayal of April doing this to Donnie? Donnie loved her, did everything he could to give her the sense of normalcy she needed, and she pays him back by attempting to off him. Was April telling them how little Donnie mattered? Did Mikey even get that?

"…She doesn't need to come around again." The temperamental turtle ground out. "And if Donnie dies…she's mine."

Leo didn't like Raph insinuating he would hurt April if, and only if, Donnie passed away. True, he could understand the anger behind it, but hurting April wouldn't make things better. But he could agree that as long as Donnie remained in the woods, she didn't need to come to the lair and add stress. In case a confrontation happened, they didn't want to share Donnie's fate, even if she did regret it. Though he had to admit he didn't know whether or not he should hate her or forgive her. Who could get over their best friend attempting to kill them?

"How's Casey holding up?" Leo asked out-of-the-blue.

Raph narrowed his eyes and huffed a sigh. "Still in the dojo…hasn't said anything at all. He doesn't want to believe it happened. Guy's probably torn, too…"

"I don't blame him…"

Of course, they had to consider how Casey felt about this, too. If this didn't traumatize him or make him fear April, nothing would. But they could remember how he looked as they transported Donnie and worked to save him. Casey feared very little, and the guy shook the entire time. He looked as though he just witnessed a genocide happening. Seeing the person he considered a true friend attempting to kill another true friend hurt deep, and he didn't know if he could be around her again. At the same time, he was probably the first human friend April ever had not counting the fake Irma, and he probably wanted to go and comfort her.

While the three brothers mulled over what happened, Splinter somberly fixed a kettle of tea, silently listening to their conversation. Splinter never thought he'd see the day that one of his sons would be treading between life and death. He heard of what happened to Leonardo during the Kraang invasion and his three-month coma; how the possibility that he would die hung over them like a storm cloud. But he didn't witness Leo's broken body. He witnessed Donatello's broken body, and the impact stuck with him.

As with Tang Shen's death, it hurt him the most that the man he considered his brother was the one to kill her. Now, he felt that hurt again with his son…because the girl he considered his surrogate daughter did this. He had warned April that the crystal affected her way of thinking; that she relied on it to prop her up instead of putting in the effort herself. But to think it would poison her mind and spirit this much to where she would hurt Donatello…

Splinter frowned and breathed harshly out of his nose. No matter what his sons felt about it…he needed to get answers from April.


The air and quiet up above felt better than the smoke and car horns down below. It didn't bring April complete comfort, but gave her enough to make her head be quiet for once. The pain of being alone remained, and she just wanted to know if Donnie made it. Knowing what happened, however, she didn't know when she could come back or if she could come back. If she was never allowed back, she wouldn't fault the others for it. Still…she at least wanted to know Donnie's condition.

When her dad called, she tearfully recounted what happened, and he promised to hurry home immediately. So far, he hadn't arrived yet, but it was probably better that he wasn't alone with her. If she could do that to Donnie, who was to say she wouldn't do it to him, too? Just thinking of her dad made the thoughts come back; thoughts that he was always terrified of her for being half-Kraang. Did everyone feel this way about her? Was that why they were wary of her use of the crystal? Is that why she was convinced they didn't want her growing powerful?

"April."

April jumped at the voice. For a second, she thought it was her father. But the voice was too deep, and she knew better who it was. One of the voices she thought she'd never hear from again; a voice she hadn't heard for five days. She turned and saw Splinter standing next to the air-conditioning unit, and her heart raced in both joy and terror.

"S-Splinter…"

Splinter showed no emotion to April's shaky greeting. The father in him wanted to just grab her and wrap her in his arms while scolding her. But he had to be the sensei right now. Whether April wanted it or not, he would be asking hard questions and getting to the bottom of this. He couldn't allow his grief to show, nor could he allow anger to cloud his judgment. He knew well what happened when anger consumed the mind…

"Have you informed your father of what happened?" He asked, tone to the point.

April's only response was a stiff nod. She wanted desperately to guide her eyes back to the ground, but they remained glued to Splinter's form. Perhaps she feared if she looked away, she'd never see him again. She hardly had time to hang around her own father anymore, and losing her surrogate father would crush her. She wanted to open her mouth and pour out her emotions, but the tone in Splinter's question told her he wasn't here for mere chatting.

"I would remain seated." The rat stated. "We have much to talk about."

April obeyed Splinter's command without hesitation, shifting her legs so they would match his kneeling posture. Her thoughts quieted down for now, and she focused on what he had to say to her. She also dreaded what Splinter would possibly say. Did Donnie die? Did he want her to revoke her kunoichi status? Would he also bring up the crystal? No matter what scenario she speculated, none of them brought ease.

"…How's Donnie?" She asked timidly.

Splinter immediately closed his eyes, and April's heart raced in dread. The rat finally answered after a tense moment, "He is in stable condition…but he is not out of danger yet. His shell received crude repairs from the Mutanimals. Leonardo and Michelangelo gave some of their blood to him as well."

The redhead sighed deeply and felt her body shaking slightly. She saw Donnie bleed, but never fathomed he lost that much blood. And if the repairs to his shell were crude as Splinter said, then that gave a greater chance of permanent nerve damage. Donnie could end up wheelchair-bound the rest of his life, and all because of her. Who could possibly forgive that? Even Donnie, the one easiest to forgive her besides Mikey, would probably hold a grudge if he ended up paralyzed.

"I need to see him." April spoke, though her tone hid how much she begged more than stated. "Please, Master Splinter…I need to see him."

To her disappointment, Splinter solemnly shook his head. "That would not be wise, April. I know you wish to see him and speak apologies, but he does not need added stress. There is a chance that if he awakens and sees you, he could react violently. That…" He bowed his head, blowing a forceful breath out of his snout, adding, "That, and his brothers are not exactly ready to have you come back."

Despite April's crushed expression, Splinter couldn't let up now. April needed to hear harsh truths, and he wouldn't stop there. If she truly expressed remorse for this, she needed to understand both what happened and the driving forces behind it. He had his suspicions, but he wanted to hear them out of her own mouth. That meant risking igniting her anger and the power of the crystal. "But that aside, we must get to the matter at hand. April, please explain to me what caused you to harm Donatello in such a way."

April couldn't help but tighten her fists at the request-no, the order. It wasn't from Splinter's cold tone, but from having to replay the events in her mind. How she lifted Donnie far into the air, how she screamed at him, how she shot him down…and the cracking sound she heard. She didn't want to relive that, but if it meant earning Splinter's trust back, perhaps she would go through with it. For Donnie, right?

"The guys probably told you enough. Donnie wanted me to take off the crystal, and…he called me out for how I've been acting. I just lost it. Something inside me just kept telling me to get him away from me. I just never thought it'd go this far…" April recounted, remorse in her voice. "We were both angry, but he was just trying to help me…"

Splinter wanted to praise April for admitting what she did, but he didn't feel satisfied. Indeed, she admitted to what she did and that she did it out of anger, but she didn't tell him why exactly she relied so heavily on the crystal in the first place. The object just being 'really important' wasn't a good enough answer. He wanted to know why a mere alien object would push April to harm one of his sons. There were suspicions, but April would have to confirm them herself.

"So what you are saying is…the crystal mattered more than Donatello in that moment." He spoke the statement to get a rise out of her; to test her remorse. Her shocked expression told him she didn't expect it, but she didn't deny the statement. Time to keep going. "In fact, you have been placing priority to the point of obsession on this alien crystal. Yet before, you did not rely on it's power, but your own strength. What changed?"

"I-I…" April hesitated. "I-I don't-"

"You do know, April. Something inside you allowed you to become addicted to his object." Splinter countered with narrowed eyes. "Why is your own strength not enough? Why become so obsessed with obtaining power through convenient means?"

April gritted her teeth and murmured, "Master Splinter, please…"

Splinter raised his voice, "Why did you risk my son's life for this object-"

"I just wanted to prove I was better than them!"

Her eyes now flashed wildly, and her hands were in such tight fists they started shaking. Not even her sudden outburst managed to shake Splinter; he remained stoic, yet firm. While she didn't clarify the meaning of the statement, he knew there were two choices for the identity of 'them'. He could voice it himself, but he still wanted to the hear the words come out of April's mouth. He still deeply loved her as a daughter, but he couldn't do everything for her. She had to be the one to answer the tough questions, even if it took voicing ugly secrets.

With eyes closing and opening, he asked, "And whom are you referring to, April?"

April suddenly shrunk back in humiliation, and she murmured, "…Karai and Shinigami."

Splinter narrowed his eyes and frowned. Just as he thought. The root of this problem stemmed from April's first night as a kunoichi. The night Karai and this Shinigami girl belittled her for having the title; calling her unworthy to have it. The night, according to Donatello, when April readied herself to literally stab Shinigami in the back. The two made apologies for their antagonistic behavior, but that didn't mean April truthfully accepted it. If there was one thing Splinter learned about April, it was that she let too many things fester inside. Now came a strong dose of tough love. April needed to understand why a petty grudge should never be allowed to grow.

"So…you abused the power of the crystal so you could gloat." Splinter began, tone hardened towards the cringing redhead. "Your harm towards Donatello stemmed from a cat fight, and so you allowed yourself to be corrupted with power. You have let your doubts and wounded pride poison you and the crystal."

April blinked, finding herself slightly offended by Splinter's words. "Me? Poison the crystal? No offense, but the Aeons are the picture of purity. The crystal's no exception!"

"And yet they were not immune to corruption." Splinter shot back. Seeing April shrink again told him he struck where it hurt. As much as it pained him, she needed to keep hurting so she could at least understand the gravity of what she did. "April, I taught you the art of ninjitsu as a means of survival, not as a means to pick pointless fights and earn bragging rights. I know you are spiritually wounded from your scuffle with Shinigami, but she and Miwa have one advantage over you: experience. Instead of humbly accepting defeat against a stronger opponent and learning from it, you have allowed your anger to fester…and you took it out on Donatello."

April bowed her head, lips quivering as Splinter's words sank in. As much as she hated to admit it, she did still feel bitter about Shinigami trouncing her; still felt bitter over the way she and Karai mocked her. She knew that she didn't accept their apologies deep down, but played it off on the outside. She wanted to show them so badly that she was capable that she would do anything, and anything included amplifying her psychic powers. She wanted to show them, the guys, even Splinter, that she earned the title. She wanted to show them not to mess with her. As a result, she released all her pent-up rage on Donnie when he just wanted to help her. In her own anger and nonstop thoughts, she attempted to kill the one person desperate to help her.

"…I'm sorry, Splinter." April sniffled as she kept her head bowed. Tear drops hit her hands from above, as all attempts to fight her emotions back failed horribly. "I-I just…I just wanted so bad to-to prove to everyone…that I'm as capable as them. B-But I've just been a mean person…because I couldn't a-admit I lost. And now…Donnie-"

April suddenly broke down in sobs. Splinter breathed out, his hardened expression turning to pity. He once again wanted to just lunge forward and wrap April in his arms. However, he already did what he came to do. He feared that if he stayed too long, too many emotions would be released, both good and bad. Once she earned back their-his-trust, then they could focus on healing. Until then…

"…When the time is right, you may come see him. I won't let the others stop you, but you will not come until I say so, April." Getting up, the rat walked away and calmly turned his head. "…Get some rest. You still have much to think about, my child."

April watched in sorrow as Splinter headed back to the lair, feeling all alone again. Splinter was often someone hard to read, yet she could feel the emotions swirling around inside him. The father in him wanting to comfort her, the anger and desire to yell at her for what she did, the sorrow and fear for Donnie. She had to earn back their trust, but how could she after what she did? Out of anger or not, instead of channeling her energy positively, she hurt the one person who wanted to break her of her addiction. How could anyone even begin to forgive her?

'Are you going to just sit there and let that old rat patronize you once again? Go and show him that he's wrong! You're better than them all, even him! Don't let him patronize you again!'

'No…he told me the truth. I got mad over something stupid and took it out on Donnie in the worst way. How is that patronizing?'

'They all hold you back. Don't let yourself wallow in grief over them. Work to put yourself where you were always meant to be…you're of the stars, April. Donatello will thank you later.'

For the first time since that night after Xaava-Daal, April started doubting the thoughts.


So the truth comes out. Trust me, we'll be getting Karai and Shinigami's reactions, too. The next chapter will also bring light to the big question: is Donnie going to wake up? If he does, how will he react to April? And will April start losing faith in the malicious entity in her thoughts? Stay tuned for that, more Turtle Dove stuff, and a one-shot set after "The Croaking"!