Hello, again! We've got a good bit of ground to cover in this chapter, but I've got a couple of things for you real quick…

First off, Journey Through the Flames has been nominated on two different awards sites. If you read and enjoyed Journey, I'd love to have your vote! I have the links on my profile page should you be so inclined! :-)

And the second thing… it caused a little confusion when I stated Jasper's age in the last chapter. I want to take a sec and let you know why I deviated there. We know from Eclipse, that he was almost 17 when he enlisted in 1861, telling them he was 20. The Battle of Galveston took place in January 1863, and this was supposedly when he was changed. Unless I'm missing something (or my math is totally whacked) he can't have aged four years in two. I know it's generally accepted that Jasper is 20, but I'm not sure where that number actually comes from. If you see something that I'm missing in this equation, please let me know!

I hope you enjoy the chapter… this one was difficult for me for whatever reason. I'm a little anxious to get some feedback on it. OK I'll hush now! ;-)

All usual disclaimers apply.


Chapter 4

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Alice

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Over the next couple of months, things between us fell into somewhat of a routine. Jasper was constantly moving. It was unusual for him to stop for very long at a time. He almost seemed restless or like he was trying to run away from something, which I thought odd. It didn't matter how far into the future I looked, I didn't see anyone pursuing him. I couldn't see anything that he would be running from, but I never had quite the right opportunity to ask him about it.

After the night we spent watching the sunset, it seemed for a little while that we might have made some progress. I had hardly been able to contain my joy when he'd let me hold his hand. Just that little touch – that physical link with him, simple as it was – felt more wonderful than I had ever been able to imagine. Even though he held his hand loosely in mine while we walked, not reciprocating, it was worlds better than having him pull away altogether.

That was as close as I tried to get for now. Every time I thought about moving closer, I saw that he would respond badly. He wasn't ready for anything more than this for the moment. Above all, I made certain that I never caught him by surprise. His instincts had been honed to an instantaneous response by his years of warfare. Being grabbed unexpectedly would have disastrous results.

The slow progress was frustrating, but at this point, I would take whatever he was willing to give me.

After our first few hunting trips, we learned to coordinate our feeding schedules. We'd decide on a meeting spot, and he would go his way while I went mine. Sometimes I'd finish first and wait for him where we'd parted, but the times when I went back to see him waiting for me were the times my heart felt like it wanted to leap from my chest.

Even if we'd only been apart for an hour, the moment when I saw him again left me feeling a little bit breathless. It was almost hard to make myself believe that he was really real. There was always a part of me that feared I'd "wake up" from a vision and he'd be gone again… just like every time before.

It was heartbreaking to watch him struggle with his guilt induced depression after a hunt. After every time, I wanted to encourage him to try hunting with me, but our relationship, such as it was, was tenuous enough without that. I knew the timing wasn't right yet. He didn't need to believe that I was trying to change him, and I never wanted him to think my love was conditional. He could continue hunting humans for the rest of his existence if he chose, and I'd love him just the same. That would change nothing.

But I knew he'd be happier if he wasn't constantly having to deal with death. I just had to wait until his walls came down enough to listen to any suggestions I might make.

Some days were better than others. There were days I could ask him some of the multitudes of questions I had saved up over the years. Most of his answers were brief – he wasn't a man to waste words, I was coming to find out – but he would give me an answer if I asked. I watched carefully, looking for his first sign of frustration, and when I saw it, I would fall quiet, content just to hold his hand in silence.

It had been early in April when I had found him in the diner. It was now late in June – a passage of almost three months. It was difficult to stay patient with our slow progress. It was so hard to give him the time he needed when all I wanted to do was to pour out on him all the love that had been building in my heart for the last thirty years. He wasn't ready for that though. So, painful as it was, I had to wait.

From the very first time I'd seen him, I'd seen the evidence of his physical scars, but I was coming to understand that I had underestimated the extent of his internal scars. The scars on his heart went far deeper than I had known.

He truly didn't trust anyone. His constantly watchful eyes and wary demeanor plainly showed that. He'd learned to keep everyone away… at any cost. And those lessons were not easily unlearned. If that conditioning meant the difference between his survival and his death during all those years of warfare, then I was grateful for it… I only wished that somehow I had been the exception to his efforts of self-protection.

One afternoon in late June we were wandering somewhere in North Dakota close to the Canadian border. It had been a cloudy morning, but I could see that the sun was going to come out soon. There was no one around us for miles, and we were more than two hundred miles away from any settlements.

I knew Jasper was still uncomfortable being out during the day, but especially in the sunlight. Just as I knew he would, he flinched when the sun came out, glancing around for shelter. There was nothing around except for the rolling prairie.

The sudden warmth of the sun felt good seeping into my skin. I smiled, lifting my face up to the light, my eyelids fluttering closed. I savored the warmth, delighting in the way the sun streamed down like a caress on my face.

When I opened my eyes again, Jasper was watching me intently, a look on his face that I couldn't quite decipher. He looked away immediately when he saw that I noticed. I had seen those looks more often recently, and I would have given almost anything to know what was going on behind those inscrutable eyes. If nothing else it made me hope that he wasn't quite as indifferent towards me as he tried to make me believe. I could hope at least.

I smiled up at him, sitting down on the grass and running my hands over the blades, letting them tickle my palms. "Come on, let's stop for a few minutes. Enjoy the sunshine."

He shook his head, not stopping to even consider. "I want to keep moving."

"Jasper," I protested carefully, watching for any sign that he was going to grow frustrated with my request. I wanted him to relax, even if just a little bit, not cause him to retreat further behind his defenses. "There's no one around us for miles in any direction, and there's nowhere we have to be. Sit with me for a few minutes? Please?" I looked up at him, watching the wheels turn in his mind as he processed. This was the first time, aside from that one night in Maine, that I'd made any requests of him.

He was about to object again so I continued hurriedly, "I'll see if there's anyone coming, and we'll leave. But no one will." I patted the ground beside me. "Please?"

He shrugged finally, choosing not to argue further, though he still looked very ill at ease. He stood awkwardly for a moment, looking like he wasn't sure what to do next. One thing I had quickly noticed about him – he never relaxed. He was always wary… always on guard. He had lived with danger for too long to escape its effects easily.

I wanted so badly for him to learn to let that guard down and trust me. The suspicion in his eyes had faded after a while, but still… trust didn't come easily to him. The only thing I knew to do was constantly prove to him that he could trust me, and that I trusted him – that I felt safe with him… which oddly enough, I did.

I smiled at his acquiescence, and leaned back, laying on the soft cushion of grass… a rather defenseless position, all things considered. He stood uncertainly for several moments, looking slightly askance at my trusting pose, before finally sitting down hesitantly. Joy surged when I saw that he had settled only an arm's length away from me. That was closer than I had expected.

The sunlight shone down brightly on us, making the gold of his hair fairly glow. I wanted to touch it so badly, to run my fingers through it and feel its silky texture. The light bounced off his skin, shimmering like diamonds, the prisms bent when they hit the raised flesh of his scars. Even sitting still, his eyes didn't stop. They were constantly scanning the horizon, watching for danger.

Danger was the farthest thing from my mind, though. Jasper was sitting so close that I could easily reach out and touch him. His scent floated in the air around me, filling my senses with him – even after three months, I had yet to become desensitized to it.

With the welcome brightness of the sun and Jasper's nearness, I pushed everything else from my mind and enjoyed the moment. Right now in this moment, I felt perfectly content. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but for today I was happy.

The future had remained muddled. Everything I'd been so certain of before had faded to black with Jasper's indecision. My visions were only as certain as he was at this point, and it was obvious that a battle was being waged inside him. I truly didn't know what to expect now, and sometimes I felt that I was fighting blind.

But I couldn't give up. I loved him too much to let myself wallow in discouragement. As long as he was here, there was still hope.

I could feel Jasper's gaze on me almost as a tangible touch. I saw that he was wrestling with questions that he wanted to ask, but he rarely ever initiated conversation. I turned my head to look at him, smiling when I met his eyes.

He didn't look away… for once didn't try to cover the fact that he'd been watching me. But neither did he say anything.

"What are you thinking?" I pressed after several long moments, wanting a little peek at the workings of his mind. I rolled over onto my side, facing him and propping my head on my hand.

"How do you do that?" He asked, seeming perplexed.

"Do what?" I didn't understand what he meant.

"That," he gestured to my relaxed pose. "How can you let your guard down so completely? I never see you take measures to protect yourself, and you've never once felt even a twinge of fear… not even with me. I don't understand how you can be so at ease."

"I'm not afraid of you, Jasper." He cocked one eyebrow at that statement. "I know you won't believe me, but I've never felt safer than when I'm with you."

Just as I had known it would, his eyes widened in blatant shock. He sat speechless for a moment. "That lack of precaution is going to get you killed one of these days." He muttered under his breath as his eyes grew fierce as they looked at me. "There is nothing about me that should make you feel safe, Alice. Everyone else I've ever encountered had the instincts to know that – except for you."

"I'm not afraid of you," I said again gently, sitting up and scooting closer to him. I faced him and placed my up drawn knees beside his, so close that they were almost touching. "I've never once been afraid of you. I know you'd never hurt me."

His eyebrows shot up in disbelief. He opened his mouth to remind me of that first afternoon when I found him. "I know you thought about it at first, but you didn't do anything. I think whatever it was that stopped you then will keep you from hurting me in the future."

He sighed, shaking his head. "You have far too much faith in me. That's only going to keep disappointing you."

"I don't think so, but even still, that's a risk I'm willing to take."

I took his left hand gently in both of mine, holding it loosely between us. He didn't move at first. His face was clouded in an expression I couldn't decipher… which was nothing unusual. He wasn't easy to read.

When he finally did move, my breath caught in my throat. His right hand moved very slowly, very hesitantly, as he raised it to our joined hands. With the very tip of his forefinger, he traced a gentle path over my knuckles. He barely brushed my skin, but even that slight, whisper-soft touch sent a current of tingles rushing down to my toes.

His face remained intent but unreadable as he stroked in a barely-there touch over the back of my hand, down the length of my fingers and back. I was afraid to breathe… afraid if I moved at all he'd stop. This was the first time he'd initiated contact of any kind, and I would have loved to see inside his head to know what had brought it about.

I couldn't know that though, so I pushed away the thoughts of why and simply enjoyed the pleasure his touch brought. Simple and innocent as it was, it sent a shockwave of sensation through me. I felt those whisper touches all the way to my bones.

I felt like I visibly deflated when he released my hands from his and shifted away. He ran a hand through his hair. "What do you want from me, Alice?" His voice sounded confused and a little bit on edge.

"I want you to trust me," I said, once again baring my heart in my eyes. "I want you to be able to let me in… even if it's just a little bit."

He stood abruptly, pacing restlessly and shaking his head. "Don't you see? I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, Alice. It's not in my nature. You're fighting a battle you can't win." His eyes grew fierce as he finished, almost glowing with the depth with which he believed that.

I stood, walking towards him and placing both my hands on his arm, slowly so he could see what I was doing and giving him the chance to withdraw if he chose. "I believe you can, Jasper. I've seen it."

"But what do you see now. When you look into your future right now, what do you see? Do you still see us together? Tell me the truth."

I looked down at the ground, biting on my lip. He was right. That wasn't what I saw now. "No," I whispered in a broken voice. "I don't. But my visions are only as certain as you are. You're fighting yourself. You're fighting me. So no, I don't see anything clearly right now. But that doesn't matter." I put one hand over my heart. "I know how it can be for us. If it weren't a possibility, I don't think I would have seen it for so many years. I love you, Jasper, and I know that I belong with you."

"I can't give you what you want, Alice." He said almost regretfully… and maybe I was imagining things – maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear – but it sounded like he wasn't as sure of that as he had been before.

"Then I'll wait… for as long as it takes." And I would. Even is this truly was all I could ever have. The thought made my heart sink like a stone in my chest, but if being with him like this was my only option, then I'd still take it. It was better than a life without him in it at all.

Wordlessly, he turned to leave again, and I fell into step beside him. I hesitated to reach for him, wondering if he needed a little breathing room... a little room to recover after letting me peek through his walls. If he'd needed that space then I would have given it to him, but, with a thrill that shot straight to my heart, I felt the backs of his fingers brush mine as he voluntarily brought his hand closer, seeking mine. I turned my palm, offering it to him.

I could have wept for joy when the palm of his hand brushed over mine, his fingers slipping through the spaces between mine.

For a while, it seemed that a hurdle had been passed in our relationship. He spoke a little more freely now than he had before, answering my questions in more than monosyllables, and even at times asking questions of me about my life before him.

So many of the little inconsequential stories that I'd filed away in a corner of my mind to tell him came rushing out then. I didn't worry so much anymore about him growing tired of listening – he seemed to enjoy it… almost to encourage it.

One afternoon as I was telling him about some of my first shopping misadventures, I had seen the corners of his mouth twitch upwards in a smile. It happened so quickly before he caught himself that if I hadn't been looking at him I would have missed it.

With a start, I realized that I had never truly seen him smile before… only in the visions of us together in the far future… never since I had been with him, and certainly never before that. That only made me more determined to make him smile. I wanted to see him discover joy again.

But, just as before, with every step forward we seemed to take two steps back. The little progress we'd made was compromised when he stopped to realize how much he was beginning to let me in. He didn't seem to know how to stop fighting.

Our open communication lasted for a matter of weeks before he started shutting me out again. After growing accustomed to the relative closeness of before, his distance hurt even more than it ever had in the past. I couldn't remember doing anything to anger him, and I tried so hard not to push too much, but of course I wondered what I had done to make him push away again. I couldn't help it.

I had told him I'd wait… that I'd give him as much time as he needed. But it grew a little harder each day. Every time the future would start to become more familiar and more certain – just when I'd start to hope again – that's when the barriers came up once more. After feeling even a little of his warmth, his cool demeanor was unbelievably hurtful. Unlike him, I had no defenses. I couldn't protect myself from the sting of his rejection.

I was doing everything I knew to do… but sometimes I wondered if it would ever be enough.


Jasper

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June turned to July, and July into August. Little by little, I had felt the frozen places inside me beginning to thaw. The heart which I had been so certain had been forfeited proved itself to be still very much present.

I had grown addicted to the sweet sound of Alice's voice and the music of her laughter. I found myself growing accustomed to the feel of her warm little hand clasping mine. I delighted in her smiles and the warmth of her happiness far more than I should.

And it took so little to bring her joy. All I had to do reach for her hand and the resulting joy from her was a direct shot of warmth straight into my silent heart. A single smile from me caused her to beam.

I actually missed her when we parted ways to hunt, even when it was only for an hour at a time. The little time I spent without her was too quiet. I missed the natural warmth she exuded; I missed her pleasant chatter filling the emptiness where there had only been silence before. I'd never minded being alone – had always preferred that, to be truthful – but her exuberance and her joy were like a drug that had been devised specifically for me.

She had somehow managed to tangle herself right into my heartstrings.

I didn't know what to make of these new feelings that were making themselves known, they were alien… and they were too much. So I took the only solution I knew of – shutting out and shutting down. Over the last couple of months, I'd let more of my guard down than I ever had in the past – and I was starting to feel exposed.

This little slip of a woman posed more of a threat to me than any opponent I'd battled in all my years. She threatened to consume me so completely that there was nothing left inside but her. It would be so easy to let her in… it would be effortless to just stop fighting her and give in to the intensity of the feelings she evoked in me. But leaving myself that vulnerable with anyone, no matter who it was, was a frightening concept. Everything in me rebelled at the idea of giving anyone that much power over me.

And yet keeping her out was becoming more challenging with every passing day. It was like swimming against the tide with millstones tied around my neck and ankles… like using only my two hands to barricade the walls which were falling down around me, holding them up against the swarming advance of an army. In other words, it was impossible – but still I tried.

In one last ditch effort of self-protection, I closed myself off from her again, refusing to speak to her or even to acknowledge her just as I had in the beginning. Only this time it was much more painful. I felt keenly her resulting distress and suffering. I was hurting her again… for no other reason than my fear.

That's what it all boiled down to… when all pretenses were stripped away, the simple fact was I was scared shitless at the thought of surrendering my heart to her. If I let her in the way I desired, she could so easily destroy me.

As the days passed, Alice grew more bewildered by my sudden and complete withdrawal. She tried talking to me, but I refused to answer. She tried reaching out to me, but I pulled away. But it was impossible to harden my heart to the misery my distance caused her.

I was just as miserable as she was… but too stubborn to give in.

I had told her that she was fighting a battle she couldn't win… but it would appear that I was now the one persisting in a lost cause.

This went on for a week before she finally decided she'd had enough. With a frustrated sigh and a sudden burst of determination, she stepped right in front of me, blocking my path. I raised my eyebrows at the gesture. She'd always been very cautious about antagonizing me before now – always careful not to push too hard. Now it would appear that all bets were off.

She crossed her arms over her chest, "What's going on, Jasper?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I shrugged, keeping my expression bland.

"Yes, you do!" Her eyes narrowed as she leveled a no-nonsense glare at me. "You've been ignoring me all week. We're right back where we started, and I don't know why." Some of the ferocity faded from her eyes, "I thought we were finally making progress." Her voice was shaded in insecurity.

"I told you, you want things from me that I can't give you. You had fair warning."

"That's not true." Ferocity transformed into desperation. "I thought you were finally learning to trust me a little bit – I thought you were finally learning to let me in, and now you've shut me out again after all the progress we'd made. I don't understand, Jasper. What did I do?"

Her eyes were wide, covered in a glistening sheen of emotion. Her anguish threatened to carve a hole in my chest. This, in a sense, didn't feel like borrowed emotions… these felt like my own. Her pain was becoming mine – I couldn't hurt her now without hurting myself in the process.

The depth of what I felt frightened me, which in turn made me angry, leading me to lash out. "I warned you, Alice, but you wouldn't listen. You have some idealistic picture in your mind of who I am and it's not true. You don't know me." My voice raised in volume until I was almost shouting by the end.

"But I want to!" She cried, stepping closer. "I keep trying, but you won't let me. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to give you the time you need. But every time I manage to get a little bit closer, you push me away."

"Then maybe you should take the hint and just stop. We'd both be better off if you did." I snapped harshly.

I watched her heart break in her eyes and nearly physically flinched away. "You don't mean that," she whispered, her voice cracking. "You can't."

"I do," I lied.

The tension was building and coiling inside until I thought I would snap right in two… my desperation and hers… her pain which fueled my own… the love she felt so strongly even in the midst of our fight, coupled with the love that was fighting and clawing its way through my own heart, seeking an outlet… and the profound fear those emotions provoked in me. I had already lost the battle, but I was too stubborn – too stupid – to admit my own clear defeat.

"Jasper, I love you – scars and all, with everything your past entails," she whispered fiercely, "I'm not trying to change you. I'm not trying to make you into something you're not. All I want is to love you, but you won't even let me close enough to do that. Why, Jasper?"

I tugged my hair at the roots, the tension inside winding tighter like a spring ready snap.

"Please just tell me what I did wrong," she pleaded. "Let me try to fix it." The fact the she thought this was her fault was almost laughable, but I was in no mood to find humor in anything.

With a growl, the tension inside finally came to a head. My control shattered, and I turned to her, striding forward like an animal on the prowl. She stepped backwards until a tree trunk stopped her retreat.

My hands came up on either side of her, blocking her path though no part of my body actually touched hers.

"You want to know what you've done?" I hissed, my tone sounding tinged with desperation even to my own ears. "You've worked your way past every defense I've had in place for almost a century. You've made me feel things that I never thought I'd feel again. You make me want things that I shouldn't want."

Alice's eyes widened, locked on mine, boring all the way through me. Her body began to tremble with the force of her emotions.

"You make me want to feel alive again, Alice." I whispered fiercely.

Her hands came up to rest tentatively on my chest, her fingers kneading into my shirt. "Jasper, please…"

"I don't know what to do with the things you make me feel. I don't know how to process them… and I'm afraid to even try. You make me feel like I can hope again."

Once the flood of words started, they rushed out beyond my control. "You're becoming part of me. You're becoming more necessary than anything else in life, and it scares the hell out of me."

A single sob ripped from her chest and straight through my heart.

"Goddamn it, Alice, what are you doing to me?" I leaned my forehead against hers, feeling the rush of her heavy breathing washing over my face.

One of her hands left my chest and came up to hesitantly cup the side of my cheek. "Then it's not that you… don't want me? It's not that you don't care?"

I shook my head, our noses so close they were almost touching. "It's not that. It's never been that."

"Jasper, I know how difficult it is for you to trust… and I understand why. But you have to know I'd never hurt you. I've been waiting all my life for you. You said that I was becoming part of you… but you already are a part of me. You are my heart."

Her eyes were so sincere, the love there so honest and transparent. I could see right into her heart and the purity there. It only magnified the difference between us.

"I'm not a fairy tale knight, Alice – there's nothing good or noble about me. I can't save you. It doesn't matter what my intentions might be, I'll hurt you. I'm not capable of anything else. You know what I am."

Alice hand tightened on my shirt as if she was trying to hold me in place, fearful that I might vanish. "I know who you are, and I've seen you at your worst. But I'm still here. There's nothing you have to worry about me finding out that would scare me away because I've already seen it.

"And you already have saved me – more times than you know. Jasper, I've seen what you can be… I've seen the future we can have if you'll just stop fighting long enough to let me in." Her thumb traced a path of fire along my cheekbones, searing into my flesh. I felt that touch in every cell of my being. "You don't know how much I wish there was some way you could know for sure just how much I love you… to prove it to you so there's no room for doubt."

The fathomless ocher pools of her eyes, mere inches away, searched mine, seeing far more than anyone ever had before. "But maybe…" her voice trailed off as she seemed to consider something.

I didn't tell her that I already knew just how deeply her feelings ran… that those depths were equal parts alluring and terrifying. She didn't know yet that I could feel them.

Her tiny hand pushed gently at my chest, nudging me back so that she could remove the satchel that was always slung around her neck. She bit down on her lip, nervous all of a sudden, as she removed several small books from the bag.

"Here," she said with uncharacteristic timidity. "These rightfully belong to you." She wouldn't meet my eyes as she placed the books in my hand. "You already have my heart, Jasper. I'm hoping that maybe you'll read these and see that you're my past as well… and the only future I've ever wanted."

Her eyes met mine for a fleeting moment as her nerves surged anew. "I'm going to… hunt. I'll be back." With that, she turned and fled into the woods, leaving me alone with her unexpected offering.

I eyed the books warily, sitting on the ground and spreading them around me. All of them were in various stages of wear, looking weathered and well loved. I took the most worn of the bunch and opened the front cover. The image there stole the breath straight from my lungs.

Right there in front of me was my own face looking back at me. The detail was astounding. Every scar was in place, every eyelash, every nuance of my face was captured in perfect detail.

When my shock faded enough to enable me to move, I flipped the page finding another picture even more surprising than the first. This was undeniably my face, but it bore a look I hadn't known myself capable of – the same look that I had seen so many times in Alice's eyes when she looked at me. Love – deep and pure – was painted on my features as I gazed down at the woman curled so closely in my arms, gazing back just as adoringly at me.

Page after page was filled with such pictures, most of them showing me with Alice in various places… the two of us with tangled limbs in front of a fireplace, me leaning with my back against a tree and her resting against my chest, the two of us sitting on a pier, dangling our feet in the water, splashing each other in a stream with eyes alight with loving amusement…

Each picture was different and yet somehow the same. The common theme throughout was an undeniable, unshakable love shared between us. Seeing it left a hollow feeling in my chest, throbbing with need.

I turned each page almost reverently, stunned at the amount of time she must have spent sketching such detail into each image. They almost appeared that they could come to life right off the page. It was incredibly odd to see a side of myself shown before my eyes that I hadn't known could exist.

This was what she had seen?

This was the future she believed was possible for us?

Once finished with the first book, I turned to the next. There were no pictures in this one. This book was filled with letters… letters to me.

I could almost hear Alice's voice in every word… her excitement as she told me of the new things she learned each day, her curiosity as she penned the questions that she intended to ask me someday… I could even picture the way her head would tilt to one side and the way her forehead wrinkled when she was curious… I could hear her longing as she told me of the visions she'd seen, describing us together.

I couldn't look away as the pages turned almost by themselves it seemed. I was captivated. I had felt her emotions before, but reading the thoughts and intent behind them… seeing for myself a glimpse into her innermost soul… left me stunned.

Her words evoked every emotion imaginable to me… when she spoke of being overwhelmed and a little frightened of how new and unfamiliar everything was, I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and soothe her fears. When she told me of her excitement at each new discovery, I wanted to share in that zeal with her.

Reading this was like seeing the world through her eyes… eyes untainted by the corruption of greed and the devastation of war.

She spoke of seeing a couple in a secluded corner of the park and wondering how it would feel to have me hold her close… to feel my arms around her like that. When she wondered how it would feel to have my lips touch hers as she saw them do, some long-buried part of me wanted to give her that. In some deeply repressed part of my heart, I wanted to give her the tenderness and love that she craved.

But I wasn't capable of that… was I?

Everything I thought I knew about myself came under question as I was granted a glimpse at the future which she believed was possible for me. When I had finished the last book, I placed it gently alongside the others and stood, pacing as everything I had read whirled in a constant stream through my mind. My thoughts spun like a whirling dervish, careening out of control as I tried to reconcile my mind to the images I had seen and the feelings that had been brought so forcefully to the surface.

I was still waging war inside my head when I heard the familiar tread of Alice's steps behind me. Her alluring scent enveloped me, further clouding my thoughts. I felt her fear and her uncertainty, but most of all her vulnerability as she stood there as the minutes passed, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

"Say something, please," she pled in a strained whisper. She'd left her heart wide open and exposed to me.

I turned to her, my struggle visible in my eyes. "No matter how much I may want to, I don't know if I'll ever be able to give you everything you want."

"All I want is you." Naked, irrefutable truth was evident in her gaze.

"You deserve so much more than what little I can offer you." I took one step closer, drawn to her with an irresistible pull.

Her lip trembled, and she blinked rapidly several times. "Oh, Jasper, I'd rather have a little corner in your heart than be adored by anyone else."

"You could do so much better than me." I took another step… and then another, until I was standing a mere foot from her, seeing the rapid rise and fall of her chest with her quickened breathing… feeling the tremors of her body as I came closer.

"I could never want anyone but you. It's always been you, Jasper." Her hands reached out in a gesture resembling supplication, reaching out for me.

I closed my eyes, feeling the last vestiges of my walls crumble around me… and doing nothing to keep them in place. I had been trying to hold them up with only my two bare hands, and I just couldn't do it any longer.

I leaned down, looking directly into her eyes. For the first time, I held nothing back, letting my gaze be as transparent as hers had always been.

"I can't fathom why you would want my heart, blackened and scarred, hideous, as it is. For the life of me, I can't understand why someone as innocent and good as you would want someone as damaged as I am." My voice broke, the next words coming out shakily. "But I'm through fighting, Alice. I'm through."

Tears that couldn't be shed filled her eyes as she saw what I was going to say next, and her breath caught audibly in her throat. I reached out slowly, cupping her face in the palm of my hand like it would shatter with my touch. A whimpering cry passed her lips as she leaned into my hand, her eyelids fluttering closed.

"I don't understand it, but if you want my heart, Alice, then it's yours."

A sob wrenched its way from her as she stepped closer, burying her face against my chest. The waves of her love swept over me like a rampaging flood. It razed everything in its path, clearing away the ruins of what had been and washing it clean… tearing it down to make room for something new.

I hesitantly stroked the strands of her hair, marveling both at the soft, silken texture and this new freedom I felt to touch her… to hold her. I traced my fingers along the ridges of her spine pressing her tiny form closer to me as I did so.

With the fresh current of love that washed over me, both hers and mine, I discovered something I would have never expected before now…

Surrender was sweet after all.


Told you I wasn't going to drag that part out forever. ;-) We're not done yet, but at least they're moving in the same direction now…

Please take a second to leave me some love… and let me know what you think!

Thanks!

Nik