There was a knock on the window. Jon turned his head and saw a fat man in red, waving. He had a giant jolly white beard. Surely, this was good ol' Saint Nicholas. Surely agreed (she was Jon's current nurse).
Jon had never met Santa before, but he had met lots of pizza and sweets, and he knew this man had too. So, Jon waved Santa in. Santa magicked himself through the window. Jon thought that was cool, so alright, he really liked this dude.
"Uchiha Jon, I am glad I have found you," said good ol' Saint Nick. Santa pulled up his belt over the tire underneath his fat man pajamas (or whatever it is he wears). He took his hat off his head revealing a magnificent afro (they don't tell you that in the story books, them damn racists). He shook the hat out of the snowflakes that sat atop it. They sparkled, magicked, and turned into a thousand pin-sized doves. They sang until they hit the floor and died.
Jon was sitting in his bean bag chair, an Xbox controller in one hand, a Mountain Dew on his leg (he had a holder strapped to his thigh) and whiskey in his other hand. With a burp, he asked, ""Why have you come seeking my help, good ol' fat man o' Clause?"
Santa stepped on the corpses of the doves and they turned into a stool underneath his foot. He leaned over, his forearm on his knee, and said, "Well, you see, I have an emergency dental appointment." He opened his mouth and pointed to a tooth that looked rotten as fuck. "Dr. Elfis says if I don't get it taken care of this night, the poisons will seep into my brain, then poof, no more Christmas ever again!"
Jon chewed on some pizza and lifted a brow. He knew what the fat man was getting at now. He said, "So, you require the amazing Uchiha Jon's help? Yeah, I get that a lot, anyhow."
Santa did the HOHOHO and chortled in his belly. "Well, Jon, you see, you're the fattest fuck I know, and the most magical dude outside myself," he ho'd.
(Vegeta's weight loss 'plan' apparently didn't stick)
Jon downed his whiskey, threw the bottle at the ground, finished his pizza, chugged his Mountain Dew, and t-bagged 10 bitches on CoD 22. "Alright, jolly ol' Saint Nick, I'll do this thing for you, but it'll cost you two deers and a cow: cooked," Jon said wisely.
Santa called Jon a ho again, but nodded and said, "You've got yourself a deal, my friend, Jon of the Uchiha."
So, Jon waddled to his feet. With a sigh, he ran around the world a thousand times in a second. When he returned, he was of a respectable Santa weight (he was over a thousand pounds before).
Santa magicked some fat man clothes onto Jon and showed him to his sleigh. Good ol' Saint Nick said, "So, all you have to do is fly over houses, grab a box out of the bag, and throw it at a house. The right gift will find its way."
"Easy enough," Jon said and started on his journey. He was up in the beautiful night sky. Twinkles from street lamps were below, and above were like a billion stars. It reminded him of the night he pushed Sasuke out his window. With a wipe of a tear, Jon said, "I miss that fucking homo."
And so, Jon got depressed and shot a laser at Dancer. He then used the Force to feast on the charred corpse. But it wasn't enough, so he fried another reindeer and ate that one too. "Gosh, I miss them so much," Jon cried.
The sleight started to tip to one side. Presents fell out into the streets below. Jon looked over. "I'm sure those were meant for a pack of feral dogs," he said with a smile, feeling accomplished. "Well, we'll just continue on, then."
"That's good," said Rudolf, "but can you stop eating us?"
"Holy shit! You fucks can talk?! That makes you even more delicious!"
And so, that's the tale of the Christmas where a billion children stopped believing in Santa.
