A/N: sorry for the long wait between this chapter and the last. I intended to post this chapter last weekend, but was too busy. And then this week was even worse and entirely frustrating. But, I finally found some time to post this and hopefully even get some writing done. The next chapter might be long in coming too, though, because I'll be away for a week. I might be able to post something before then, but I'm can't make any promises. Hope you all enjoy this one!
That Child of Yours
Chapter 3
'Captain!' Chakotay said, a bit surprised at her presence but not unwelcoming. 'Please come in.' Kathryn hesitantly stepped into his quarters. She'd never been here before, like this, on a sort of social visit. He'd been to her quarters once or twice, but never the other way around. She took a few moments to look around, out of curiosity as well as to avoid the inevitable. There were few personal touches, a blanket with a tribal print over the couch, an artefact that her fingers itched to investigate on a table, but just those little things made the room less sterile.
'I like what you've done with the place,' she said sincerely when she turned back to Chakotay. He smiled in thanks and motioned her towards the couch.
'Please, sit down. Can I get you something to drink?' he asked politely.
'Yes,' she responded, after a moment's pause, as she slowly made her way over to the sofa, 'tea please.'
If he was surprised by her choice of beverage, Chakotay didn't show it. He merely ordered two tea's, one herbal for himself and a Vulcan spice tea for her. Instead of putting the drinks down on the coffee table in front of them, however, he handed her the mug directly. She clutched it like a lifeline, just like she did with her coffee. Chakotay carefully hid his amusement at the familiar gesture behind a small sip of his own tea. As he took in her posture, though, he became worried, as he noticed the small clues that showed her tension. The pressure in her hands, the way she avoided his eyes. How she kept shifting her position on the couch, seemingly unable to get comfortable. The tea seemed to help slightly. It might not be coffee, but it was warm and soothing in her hands. Slowly, she settled down enough to look him in the eye and the naked vulnerability and fear he saw in her eyes unsettled him. Over the past year he'd grown to admire her courage and determination. He wondered what could have affected her so deeply. Glancing away for only the briefest of moments to put his tea down, he shifted slightly closer to her on the couch, watching her intently. 'What's on your mind, Captain?' A slight shift closer to the edge of the couch and her furtive glance away revealed her need to pace - or escape he wasn't sure - but she stayed seated and eventually glanced back at him.
'I'm pregnant,' she confessed, in the lowest of whispers. Her hands trembled slightly and she put her tea down too, afraid of spilling it. She used the moment's respite this gave her from his intense gaze to recollect some of the composure she'd shed when she'd sought him out. When she looked back at him, some of the vulnerability was still there, but it was carefully cloaked behind her usual self-possession and steel determination. 'When we came back from the Kazon ship, I was pregnant. The Doctor thinks it was caused by whatever Seska injected me with. I'm sure he can give you a more detailed account, but that's the gist of it.'
Her clear no-nonsense tone didn't fool Chakotay for a moment. He wanted to take her hands or offer some other touch of comfort, but though she often gave out casual gestures of support, he did not think she would accept one now. Instead, he leaned into her slightly and kept his voice low and calm.
'Do you want children?' he asked. Chakotay's question startled away some of her new-found composure. Until now she'd only looked at her pregnancy as something physical, like an illness that would hinder her work. She hadn't dared think of it as a child.
'I'm not sure. Perhaps, someday.' Kathryn hesitated slightly before confessing, 'I was always too busy with my career to consider it seriously.' A breath of reflection dismissed her feelings, and Chakotay was saddened to see duty slam back into her thoughts, removing herself, her own desires from the equation. 'But it's not about what I want. I can't do this. I have a crew and a ship to take care of! I can't endure all the trouble of a pregnancy, much less… Much less raise a child. And the Delta Quadrant is not much of a playground.' Chakotay silently agreed with everything she said, but at the same time worried what it would do to her personally. How many of her emotions could she bury for the good of her crew before they started to haunt her? But then Kathryn completely derailed his concerned thoughts by veering into different territory. 'But this isn't just my decision,' she said, using this as yet another way to distance herself from her own feelings, 'the Doctor says that the genetic material Seska injected me with carries your DNA. You're its father.'
Her words served as a good deflection. Not only did it interrupt Chakotay's thoughts, the emotions flying across his face also distracted Kathryn from her own deliberations. Astonishment was quickly followed by a blinding hot anger. She only caught a glimpse of it before he closed his eyes and cut her off from his thoughts. His breathing was still steady, but the effort it took him was obvious as the implications of her words, and Seska's actions, ran through his head. When at last he opened his eyes again, Kathryn was surprised to find none of those thoughts. She saw strength and determination, and this time he did take her hand in his, but there was no anger or bitterness.
'Captain, I understand your objections and I can't disagree with any of them. But, if you do decide to go through with this, I will do whatever I can to help you. You are not alone.'
His words struck a powerful cord and Kathryn was horrified to feel tears welling up. 'I..' she said, her voice raspy. She paused to swallow the liquid away and tried again. 'Thank you.' She allowed a few moments to let her gratitude show before turning all business again. 'But I just don't see how I could do this. The crew has to come first.'
Chakotay nodded gravely, unable to argue with her assessment 'I know. Just make sure that this is a choice you can live with.' Kathryn nodded resolutely to acknowledge the wisdom of his words and then moved away. Chakotay gave her hand a last squeeze before he let her go and don the Captain's persona again.
'Thank you for your advice, Commander.' She said briskly, and left, leaving her half-finished tea and a pensive Chakotay behind.
TBC
