Author Note: Well, long time no see, all. I return from the land of the dead to bring you more Tales of the Abyss Christmas-related insanity! Nothing like watching the final scene of the game (GOD I can just watch that scene on loop…sort of like the entire last episode of Gurren Lagann) and then obsessing about LukexTear to get the ol' desire to actually work on this back up and running. Well, actually it made me want to write the upcoming LukexTear moments, but at least it put me back in the mood of the game at large, and it got me to write some ideas that I dreamt up almost a year ago, which was extremely gratifying.

Having said that, I'd just like to dedicate this chapter to Klaus Bandelt, the composer for Pirates of the Carribean without whose contributions, the latter portion of this chapter might never have gotten written. Seriously, PoTC's music had just the right blend of being dramatic and exciting without being too heavy anything. Sometimes writing crack to really sad music works (it's KIND of like meditating under a waterfall. Sorta.), and sometimes you just need some music that... almost sort of kind of fits the mood.

Oh, and also to the fine folks at the official Namco Tales of Forums LukexTear fanclub, whose efforts in assembling various fanarts were of great help too, inspiration-wise.

Previously, on How the God Generals Replicated Christmas…

"Cut the red wire!" Tear screamed.

"With this…" Luke said solemnly, dragging the dagger through his hair, slicing it off at neck length, "I say goodbye to who I used to be."

"You don't understand!" Jade slammed one fist onto the desk in front of him. "If this planet moves slower than 20 kilometers per second, it will crash into the sun!"

Van smiled, gazing down upon his work. "I call it… Chia-Auldrant."

"LIFE! LIFE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! GIVE MY CREATION LIIIIIFE!" Dist shouted, the wind howling in his ears, lightning crackling all around him.

"Ion, I…" Anise fumbled with the ends of her skirt. "I… I'm pregnant." Everyone stared in stunned silence. "And the father is—"

"Okay, none of that happened!" Guy interrupted. "I mean, really… talk about pushing the boundaries of good taste with that last one…"

"And why didn't I get a line?" Natalia said, hands on her hips.

And at that very moment, the chapter title rose up from the depths of the page, silencing any further complaints and beginning our story.

"It's still another few inches away, actually," Legretta said.

"Yeah, and way to make Ion faint right before we're supposed to go on," Anise said, the unconscious Fon Master draped over one shoulder. "That was really a great idea."

"We should strike until chapter opening conditions improve," Van said. "We don't have to deal with this kind of shoddy, nonsensical—"

It's (finally)!

How the God Generals Replicated Christmas

Chapter 4: This is a Fight to Determine Who We Are! Because I Have… Amnesia!

"…and that's why, this time, I'm absolutely certain that nothing can go wrong!" Luke finished, his features animated by excitement, as he led Tear back into the party. At once, everyone in the room froze and perked up their ears, in a manner rather akin to how a herd of gazelle will notice a cheetah bearing down on them with just enough time to spare that the fearsome cat will only be able to catch the old, the diseased, or the particularly stupid.

"Uh… Luke…" Tear said, eying the ceiling like one who expects an imminent horde of dire-locusts to chew through it at any moment. "I'm not sure that you should—"

"Everyone! If I could have your attention for just a second here," Luke called, seemingly oblivious to the fact that most everyone in the room was already watching him—watching him in that way that people will watch a screen filled with words, terrified at the prospect of finding yet another metaphor staring back at them. "Tear," he said, looking straight into her eyes, "I'm sorry this took so long, but here." He pulled a box, wrapped in bright red paper and tied with a white ribbon, out from behind his back and offered it to her. "Merry Christmas."

"Th-thanks Luke," Tear said as she accepted the gift, all too aware of the numerous stares turned in their direction.

Luke eagerly watched her pull open the package, finally saying, just as she opened the lid, "It's—"

"A bunch of strips of fabric?" Tear finished for him. Indeed, what she held in her hand did appear to be a series of somehow interlocked strips of fabric, all in varying widths, that, taken as a whole, looked almost like…

"I believe it's meant to be worn," said Jade, wearing one of his smirkiest smirks for the occasion.

"Luke!" Natalia gasped. Off to one side, Guy was holding a hand over his face, outright refusing to look at the scene, while Anise had collapsed to the floor with laughter. The two Ions were lying there next to her, though they had just collapsed in the conventional sense.

"This wasn't—But I…" Cheeks burning, Luke's eyes narrowed to slits as he realized that there could be only one culprit. "Peony…" he muttered. "But… we left him outside. And unconscious. How did he—? Well, it doesn't really matter how, I guess…" With a sigh, Luke turned to go resume his hunt for the missing present. "I'll be right back… again again."

"Listen, Luke," Tear said. "You really don't have to go through all of this trouble…"

"No!" Luke shook his head. "It wouldn't be right if you got me something and I didn't get you anything. Besides, it'll take more than Jade and Emperor Peony to stop me!"

"But… what I mean is…" Tear said haltingly, eyes locked on the floor. "More than anything… I just wanted to… to…" she paused. "He's… not there anymore, is he?"

"Afraid not," Jade said. "If it's any consolation, you two are making this one of the better Christmases I've had."

"Seeing Tear's distraught state, Mieu, Agent of Love™ comes to the sudden realization that time is running out for the young lovers!"

"Mieu? Who said anything about— I mean… not that I don't… but…"

"Mieu flies on, desperately seeking the one man with the power to mend Tear's broken heart! Can their love be saved? Or will our hero's efforts be in vain? Next on Ai no Senshi Mieu: 'Even if you were a demon, I'd love you anyway. Though I'm kind of glad you aren't, because we don't have to go through that whole rape and murder deal, but if you were…' Hurry, Mieu! There are only 363 minutes until the Christmas party ends and Love is destroyed by the radioactive contamination of Despair!"

"This is going to end badly, I just know it…"

"Oh, relax, Tear. The Author hates sad endings, that's why everyone came back to life and then Van died again," Anise explained. "So it won't end badly, it'll end really well." She paused for a moment, thinking, "Though it'll probably suck up until that point, but at least the ending is guaranteed to be fine, so you won't care. Eventually."

"… Thanks, Anise. That makes me feel a lot better."

"I'm glad."

"Hm… no one seems to have drunk any of the punch…" Jade remarked idly. "And after I worked so hard on it, too."

"Yes, let's think about this for a minute," Guy said. "You worked hard on it."

"I'm afraid I'm completely clueless as to whatever you could possibly mean to imply, Guy."

"Wait, Jade made this?" Dist exclaimed. "Well, I've got to have some, then!" The robot enthusiast snatched the ladle from the punch bowl and hastily filled one of the nearby plastic cups, downing the punch in one gulp. His face lit up, and he happily declared, "Why, it's—!" then suddenly froze. An instant later, he toppled over backwards, stiff as a board.

"Oh dear…" Jade said with all the concern he felt like mustering. Bending down to look at the now prone God General, he added, "Well, I'm afraid he's dead. Looks like cardiac arrest and/or explosion."

"How is that possible?" Luke wondered, taking a momentary break from his never-ending 'I will never rest till then; this I swear, this I swear by the stars!' quest for Tear's present after two minutes of fruitless searching. "I mean, even with you making it, Jade, it's still just punch…"

The group turned their eyes on the bowl. Within the semi-transparent, blood red liquid, swirls of a darker color formed and dissipated seemingly without rhyme or reason. The surface was covered in a faintly luminescent skin from which, every few seconds, clusters of glowing yellow light would float free, forming various musically-themed shapes: quarter notes that burst apart into showers of golden sparks, staffs that wound up out of the bowl until they faded away somewhere off in the distance, even a scale replica of a pipe organ, once or twice.

"Alright, fess up," said Guy, "who spiked the punch to the point where it started giving off random fonon… energy… things?" Everyone else, except for Luke, Ion, and Tear raised their hands. "I'm not sure which is sadder," he sighed, shooting a glance at the room's overabundance of conspirators, "the result, or the fact that it's pretty much which I expected."

"Let me just say," Jade began, "that I am shocked that you all thought I hadn't spiked the punch enough when I made it. Although I am kind of glad that you did," he said, looking again at Dist's body.

"I didn't spike anything! I was just trying to poison Anise so that I could have Ion to myself!" Arietta interjected.

"What? You can't use the punch so you can get Ion! I was using the punch so I could get Ion! That's totally stealing my thunder!" said Anise, hands on her hips.

"Wait, Anise what exactly were you—" Guy began.

"Oh, it was just a drug the Order confiscated a while back, known for making its victims go wild with desire and also increasing their susceptibility to suggestion (and stamina)."

"…Um… th—that's…" Guy said, blinking. Something about the fact that she had smiled all through the previous statement unnerved him in ways he couldn't even begin to describe.

"You tried to drug Ion?" Arietta accused. "That's totally unfair!"

"All's fair in love and war!" Anise said. "And I'm not really sure which this counts as between the poisonings and the obvious crushes and the bit where we didn't really kill you, but the point is, it's fair!"

"Like how it was fair that I tried to poison Ion so I could have Anise!" Florian declared. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling God Generals and your gay mechanic!"

"Hey, if anyone's meddling, it's us!" Luke interjected. "I mean, we've blatantly interfered with world politics on any number of levels and also with various evil master plans. If that doesn't qualify us as meddling, I don't know what does."

"Wait… why are there two Ions…?" Arietta said, eyes snapping back and forth between Florian and Ion.

"You just noticed?" Luke asked. "Wow, way to miss all of last chapter."

"Shut up! It's a very, very tangled web of jokes, how any one person can be expected to remember them all in an order such that they actually make sense is just beyond—"

"What are you talking about?" said Luke, and Arietta abruptly stopped in mid-defense, freezing where she stood.

"Congratulations," Jade said, tapping the crazy animal girl on the side of the head with one hand and getting absolutely no response. "You've broken Arietta."

"Finally!" Largo shouted in relief.

"No. Not like that."

"Aw…"

"Well, that's one less thing to worry about!" Anise said cheerfully.

"You… you tried to poison me?" Ion said, wide eyes gazing towards Florian. "And, you…" he turned to Anise, "you… you… you… You tried to poison me?" he shouted, turning back to Florian. Florian shrugged.

"But, you know what I don't understand?" Luke said. "I mean, other than why people have to die and women and those puzzles where you have to fill in all the numbers from 1 to 9 so they all appear in every box and every row?"

When no one seemed willing to volunteer an answer, he went on. "Well, I mean, it's pretty clear why Jade would spike the punch, and the same goes for Sync and Arietta. King Ingobert I'm willing to chalk up to some bizarre, needlessly convoluted political assassination attempt, and Largo, frankly, I don't think anyone really cares why you did it. Asch, I don't want to know, but I can guess, Florian's reason more or less makes sense aside from the whole 'suddenly turning into a person capable of and willing to commit murder' thing, and Anise… you scare the Hell out of me when you get like that, but I get the general idea. But Natalia, why would you spike the punch?"

"Anise took mine!" Natalia complained. "I mean… um… um… Oh, God…" She clutched one hand to her face, afraid to look… well, pretty much anyone in the eye. For a second, the inane babbling of two full-grown men and one low growl that was probably something like inane babbling on the Asch vocal scale were the only sounds that filled the room.

"Natalia! I didn't think you had it in you! I'm so proud!"

"DIST?" the entire group gasped, pointing at the man, who was just now climbing back to his feet. Even Jade. There are certain disappointments that even he can't laugh maniacally in the face of.

"But… but you're supposed to be dead… again!" Luke said.

"Pah, the God Generals NEVER… actually, come to think of it, no one ever dies in a Tales game. Well, except for Asch."

"What?!" demanded Asch.

"Nothing, nothing."

"But how did you survive?" Luke asked.

"Easy! My heart is made out of fontech!"

"It IS?" Guy said, his face lighting up like a needlessly complicated panel of flashing lights and assorted gizmos. "But how did you overcome the problem of rust and wear? Oh, can I see? Can I?"

"Can you see my heart?"

"I promise I'll be careful! I'm really good with fontech, just ask anyone!"

"No! Get away from me!" Dist shouted, trying to fend off Guy's eager advance with a Turkey Leg, then turning and running when he realized that his Turkey Leg was missing the vital z at the end that would make it hardcore enough to be used as a weapon.

"Come back!" Guy took off in hot pursuit of the terrified God General. And so, the rest of the group did say "meh," and thus dispersed; and the author saw this and it was far less complicated, and it was… about three out of five for goodness.

"Alright, Ion, since my attempt at poisoning you failed, I guess we'll just have to settle this the old fashioned way," Florian said, getting up in the Fon Master's non-existent grill. "You and me, one on one, to decide things once and for all."

"Fine by me!" And so, the rest of the group did say "well, this looks remotely interesting," and thus reassembled; and the author saw this and it was somewhat more complicated again and he did go "Argh!" and it was somewhat less good than good but really not so bad as bad but more of a moderate good-bad… kind of… thing… Like if scientists were to artificially create the child of Dick Cheny and Mother Teresa and raise it to shoot people in the face and then donate their money to charity.

"No, wait, wouldn't you guys rather… um… um… look at some adorable pictures of a cat with things on top of it or something?" Anise suggested.

"Not until I prove that I'm more worthy of you than this… other knock-off." Florian cracked his knuckles, wincing as he somehow managed to injure himself in the process.

"Ion! You're the sensible one who didn't try to poison anybody! Please, don't fight!" Anise all but begged.

"I'm sorry, Anise, but Florian will never leave us alone unless I do this now."

"But we can—"

"Anise, this is probably the only manly thing I'm ever going to do, so just let me get on with it, okay?" Ion put his fists up in front of him, taking a few practice swings.

"Well," Anise said, thinking. "Actually, if there was just going to be the one time, I was kind of hoping—"

"Shut up, Anise," Luke interrupted. "I want to watch this. I mean, how often will you ever get to see a religious icon duke it out with his clone?" Anise glared at him with a look that could be a metaphor unto itself.

The two Ion replicas circled each other slowly, arms at their sides like gunslingers in some sort of western showdown. Suddenly, Ion's arms darted upwards, his hands clasped together and pressed against his chest. A radiant smile filled his face, and his eyes filled with giant shojo sparkles. Puppies materialized out of nowhere, floating in the air around his head.

"No!" Anise shouting, seeing Florian starting to assume a similar pose. "They're trying to out-cute each other! Shield your eyes, everyone, just one look could be enough to kill you outright!" Obediently, the entire assembled body covered their eyes as our cute-filtered cameras continued filming (from a safe distance, of course) the two Ions smiling sweetly at each other with intent to kill.

Suddenly, there was the sound of a door opening. "Hey, everyone, sorry I'm late, but I… Awwwww! It's so—GACK!" the man choked in mid-sentence, the all-too familiar thud of someone collapsing on the floor of Fabre manor filling the air.

The group spun, and Guy, momentarily abandoning his chase of Dist, cried, "Pere!" In despair Guy dashed towards his old friend and knelt beside him.

"Guy…?" Pere said, struggling to keep his head upright. "Everything's so dark…"

"Pere…"

"Don't… worry… Guy…" the elderly man gasped. "Nobody… dies in a Tales game…" His head collapsed backwards, and he was silent. "Except for Asch," he added as an afterthought, pulling himself back partly upright. Then his body went limp, and he once more fell back to the floor.

"Guy," Luke placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "If it's any consolation, he died for absolutely no reason."

"Yeah… I know…"

"Also we seem to have a thing going where no one really dies, like he said."

"Right," Guy said, sniffing.

"And it's nice and warm out here, isn't it?"

"Right. Wait, what?"

"Just something for the yaoi fangirls," Luke shrugged.

"Oh, okay. I'm gonna go chase Dist, now."

"You do that."

"What, that's it? No big dramatic speeches or drawn-out depression or… drilling statues somehow?" Dist said, ducking out of the way as Guy charged at him. "I mean, aren't you guys at least going to make a commemorative AMV set to something by Linkin Park?"

"Oh, you're just complaining because you're getting chased by someone who wants to literally rip your heart out," Anise accused.

"Yes. Yes I am." How Dist managed to say this calmly while running at full tilt remains a minor mystery that no one particularly cares about the answer to to this day.

"Well, that's taken care of…" Luke said. "Oh, and Tear, I found your present again." Turning away from Tear, Luke checked the Selenias carefully, just to ensure that they were actually there this time and not some sort of duplicate built upon a foundation of lies and deceit and probably some sort of fontech. Satisfied, he turned back and extended the gift, saying "So… uh… here you—" Luke stared at the tiny robot, really more of a ball with arms, which now sitting on the hand that had held the Selenias a second ago, and which was currently engaged in clamping its crude mouth down on his thumb. His expression was not so much one of surprise as of not surprise. "… Okay, how did Dist do that when he's… I mean… that shouldn't be…"

"Luke, really, it's okay," Tear said. "Please, please quit while you're less behind than you could be."

"No, no, I'm on this, don't worry. Sooner or later we'll run out of people who can swap out gifts using some sort of ninja magic." Luke trudged off to look for his gift for the fourth time that evening.

"Wow, Tear, Luke's pretty dedicated. I mean, he's an idiot, since everyone knows that the one thing you never run out of is ninjas, but at least you'll never have to worry about him not paying attention to you. Unless he's trying to do something for you, then you may as well not exist, but…"

"Anise, please shut up."

"Hey, don't take it out on me that your romantic plans for the evening are going awry! My one true love is locked in mortal combat that just so happens to involve puppies and also the opening theme from Chobits, so of the two of us…"

"Anise!"

"Ack! Tear, trying to hit me with a Turkey Leg won't help matters," Anise said matter-o-factly. Tear's second lunge for the smaller girl evidenced a great deal of not caring. Anise ducked the inbound poultry, and, pressing her hands together, shouted "Secret Technique: Mieu no Jutsu!" A puff of smoke obscured the scene, and suddenly Mieu was floating where Anise had been standing a moment before, having arrived just in time for Tear to send him sailing into the refreshments table.

"Ah! Mieu! I'm sorry!" she dashed over.

"Fear not, Tear, Mieu, Agent of Love™ has seen far worse poultry-related injuries in his never ending quest for truth, justice, and all that comes with a little ribbon on top," Mieu explained, staggering between the plastic cups and the highly suspect-looking potato salad.

"Does that include—"

"No, Florian, that doesn't include you."

"Aw…"

"Realizing that his time is still running short, Mieu, Agent of Love™ takes flight once again in search of—"

"Hey, I'm back!" Luke called. "Dist apparently couldn't hide the gift very well since he was running away from Guy."

"Ah, I always was the best at hiding other people's gifts and not being chased by strange Hodian men…" Jade mused.

"Jade makes an astounding revelation! What tragedy lurks in his mysterious past? Next, Ai no Senshi Mieu: The Genuine Truth that Exists in the Bottom of a Locked File Cabinent in the Dark Basement with No Stairs Behind a Door that says 'Beware of Leopard.' Watch it or else!"

"What is it with all you people from Keterburg pulling this same prank on me over and over again, anyway?" Luke demanded of Jade. "I mean, what did I ever do to deserve having these—" Luke held out the Selenias to Tear, "replaced… with…" He took a deep breath. "It's… it's a Nephry Ball, isn't it?"

"Tragedy strikes! Luke's gift, once again misappropriated by the mysterious forces of darkness, is nowhere to be found. With time running out on the young couple, the moon will crash into the earth in either three days or three weeks! Their epic journey to the center of the earth and also space must begin before the bees which blot out the sun can summon the four giants to—"

"Yeah… but listen, Luke, I still want to give you this…" Tear started fumbling with her robes, looking for something evidently kept in one of her not-pockets.

"But… but… but Nephry said she couldn't come…" Luke stammered, his eyes unfocused to the same degree that he wasn't focused on what Tear had just said. "How… how…" he stumbled away, muttering to himself.

"Ah, I found it!" Tear looked up, and, pulling a small, wrapped package from nowhere, promptly exclaimed, "Damn it!"

"Such language, Tear," Jade admonished.

"Considering that this is partly your fault and probably your idea, I don't see how you get to complain."

"So that's how you deal with your problems? By pushing the blame off on others?"

"But it really is—! I mean… but you…"

"Tear is left stammering in confusion! What is the truth that she has been concealing for so long? The secrets revealed will rock the whole of Auldrant to its core, probably causing some sort of crazy thing with the Miasma again, on the next—"

"Mieu! Stop narrating everything!"

"Aw, but Tear!" Mieu pleaded.

"Yes, but Tear!" Jade added.

Tear heaved a sigh and turned to follow Luke, walking past the two Ions, still locked in mortal cute-based combat, though now somewhat less lethal to passerby since someone had had the presence of mind to throw a tablecloth over the pair of them.

"Hey, Luke, I've been meaning to ask you about this giant pile of gifts over here… what is it?" Anise said, staring up at a veritable tower of brightly wrapped packages, reaching towards the ceiling and up through one of the holes Jade had somehow opened in the roof.

"But if she had a giant version of one of those snow catapults that fired projectiles that could phase through walls and calculated the distance just right…" Luke muttered, drawing some sort of complex diagram in front of him as he walked by. "No, no…" he shook his head, "that would never work, the ball to air ratio is all wrong. Then again, if she weighs the same as a duck then the swallows just might—"

"Luke!" Anise yelled.

"Huh? Oh, the pile of gifts? That's just the stack of semi-mandatory tributes to me from the citizens, what with my being royalty and all." Luke shrugged, "Though for some reason I always get like, 10 copies of whatever latest album by the BiNAh H8rs."

"Ouch. Listening to any one of their songs would make you want to kill yourself," Anise shuddered. "Though the promotional black tallit they throw in are very nice. Have you considered the possibility that it's actually a carefully disguised assassination attempt?"

"No, but my dad's always looking for a reason to do something completely unreasonable, so I'll mention it to him."

"Hm… how many do you think there are this year, Luke?" Natalia said.

"There must be OVER NINE THOUSAND!" Anise shouted, hands lifted towards the tower of presents.

"… What are talking about?" Luke asked. "There's nowhere near that many!"

"Yeah, Anise, even I only get two or three thousand at most, and I'm the princess."

"Well, excuuuse me, Princess! Not everyone in the Baticul Royal Family could pull off such a short skirt," Luke said, implanting dozens of mental images that you will never be able to unsee, mwahahahahahahah! Hahah. Hah. Ahem…

"Luke!"

"Well, um… there are over nine hundred?" Luke shook his head. "Alright, well… I know there are more than nine… Hold on, I'm all over this… one… two…"

"I still can't believe you'd make such a crude… well, okay, I believe it, but I'm not happy about it…" Natalia amended, glaring at the protagonist.

"Well, it's true!"

"It is n—well, yes it is…" Natalia admitted. "But the implication is nothing short of slander! I've done a lot for the people of Kimlasca!"

"Especially the men."

"Luke!"

"So you only dress like that on the off-chance that you happen to run into Asch, then?"

"Luke! Asch isn't—well, he is your original, but even so, Asch wouldn't… I mean…"

"What's all this about m…" Asch stopped short as he approached the scene, staring at the veritable graveyard of innocent wrapping paper before him. "Replica, what the Hell is this?"

"Gifts from the people, no doubt acquired through coercion and false promises!" said Natalia.

"Actually we were saving those for when Kimlasca advances enough to become a democracy/republic-type thing."

"And just what were you planning on doing with all this junk?" Asch demanded.

"Well, actually," Luke said, becoming at once more serious, "I was thinking I'd give them to you, Asch. I mean, they're for 'Luke fon Fabre,' and technically that's you. Besides, I stole seven Christmases from you already."

And what happened then? Well, in Baticul they say, that the glare on Asch's face got slightly less glare-y that day.

"Wow, that's… surprisingly decent of you, idiot piece of dreck replci—um… I mean, Luke," Asch said, taken aback by the sudden gesture, and emoting quite a good deal more than was his habit (anger notwithstanding). Even Natalia's face had softened somewhat, though she was still trying to be mad that, of the various clones that always seemed to be hanging about, Luke was the first to comment on her choice of outfit.

"These past seven Christmases with Van have been just dreadful," Asch went on. "Every year it's the same: 'We have to destroy the Corporations before they suck all the meaning out of Christmas!' And then he carves the roast beast but he's so fired up about the evils of the Corporations that he burns it to a crisp with a fonic arte. And the man gives out I.O.U.'s as Christmas presents! I'm supposed to be his right hand man in the new world order four or five times now. It's horrible."

"Wait… you got to spend Christmas with Master Van?!" Luke all but whined. "That's not fair!"

"Were you listening, Replica? I just told you that Christmas with Van is a nightmare!"

"But you were with Master Van on Christmas!" Luke persisted. "And now that he's dead again, I'll never have that chance! Forget this, I'm taking my presents back."

"What? You can't do that!" Asch shouted, his old glare returning after a two-minute hiatus. "You said it yourself: they're marked for 'Luke fon Fabre.' That's me. You're just a replica!"

"Hey, we already proved in mortal combat—which is by far the best way of proving things—that I'm my own person!" Luke stopped, realizing what he'd just said. "But I'm also Luke fon Fabre!" he added hastily.

"I was Luke fon Fabre before you were even born!" Asch pointed out in a completely accurate fashion.

"Yeah, but I'm the current Luke fon Fabre!" said Luke. "And besides, I think we've already determined that I'm better at it, fulfilling prophecies and then unfulfilling them-wise."

"That was just because of interference by Van!"

"Everything is because of interference by Van!"

"So you admit to not winning on your own merits?"

"What? No! I didn't say that! You wanna go?" Luke shouted, reaching back for his sword, letting his hand slide into place around its grip.

"I thought you'd never ask," Asch said, taking hold of his own weapon.

They stood there, facing each other, for an awkwardly-long moment, as if waiting for some unseen cue to begin their fight. Sort of like they were stuck there until something in particular happened. Something that was taking a fairly sizeable chunk of time.

Then there came a noise like shattering glass, and Guy shouted something about being really sorry, and the battle began.

The sound of ringing steel filled the air as the rivals drew forth their weapons. With a flourish, Luke brought his up and in front of him in a fighting stance. The white, vaguely rectangular object sagged a bit towards the floor, somewhat ruining the defensive properties of the stance, but he was never really big on defense anyway. Asch stood opposite him, staring at Luke down the point of his own rectangle, though this was hampered by the fact that it, too, was losing the battle with gravity.

"Wait a minute, there's something wrong here," Luke said, staring at the object in his hand.

"You mean, the fact that our swords have been replaced with pillows?" Asch offered.

"Actually, I was thinking the lack of dramatic theme music, but now that you mention it…"

"Why are they holding pillows?" Natalia asked of no one in particular.

"Well, we sort of thought this might happen," Anise said in place of no one, who was nowhere to be found at the moment. "So we took the precaution of making sure that they wouldn't actually kill each other."

"Wait, you guys did this? Well, where are all of our various swords, then?" Luke demanded of Anise. "We can't have a big dramatic fight with pillows!"

"I! WILL! MAKE! THOSE! WORDS! YOUR! LAST! REPLICAAAAAA!!" Asch screamed, flecks of spittle flying from his mouth as he shook his head back and forth; he charged towards Luke, pillow raised high above his head.

Luke barely managed to raise his own pillow in time to parry the blow, and when their pillows met it was with a sound like a thousand feathers falling to the ground. The shock of the impact ran down Luke's arm to his shoulder as he forced Asch's blow aside, then came back with a two-handed sweep at his original's head. Asch nimbly ducked the attack and swung at Luke's feet, intending to knock him down, but in actuality only managing to pound away at his boots for a few seconds like the world's most ineffective lumberjack.

"Wait! Luke! Asch! Stop fighting!" Tear called, running over to the scene.

"Oh, don't worry so much, Tear," Anise said. "They're just having a pillow fight. How could they possible hurt each other with pillows?"

Tear looked at the small girl blankly for a second. "They know how to use magic."

Anise blinked twice, then smacked herself in the forehead. "I knew we were forgetting something."

"Fang blade!" Luke shouted, swinging his pillow down towards Asch, who sidestepped the attack. The pillow smashed against the ground with an audible crack, and as Luke drew his weapon back up to block a thrust from Asch, it left several feathers behind, sticking straight into the stone floor.

"Tear, you've got to do something!" Natalia shouted.

"Me?" Tear stammered.

"Luke listens to you! Mostly when I say something to Asch he just looks a little less angry for a few minutes."

"But if we just get Luke to stop, won't Asch keep on attacking him?" Tear asked.

"Um… no, no I don't think that would happen," Natalia said, her eyes shifting back and forth sneakily. Tear glared at her.

"Well, either way we should do something, or someone's gonna get hurt!" Anise reminded them.

"Actually, I wouldn't be so sure about that," Guy said, pointing towards the melee as he ran past, still in pursuit of Dist. The rest of the gang turned their eyes back towards the fight at Guy's prompting.

"Rending Fang Blade!" Asch shouted and slashed at Luke. Luke leapt out of the way, the momentum of Asch's attack keeping him going, as he launched into an extensive thrust-punch-upwards slash combo that was aimed in the complete wrong direction, and proceeded to carry him some distance from where Luke actually was.

"You know, I've always wondered why they do that," Natalia admitted.

"It's the secret technique of the Albert style!" Luke said hastily as he countered another of Asch's swings with one of his own. "'Continuous attacking in the wrong direction!'" He leapt over a low swing, then continued, "It lures the enemy into a false sense of security by giving them a perfect opening to attack with absolutely no drawbacks!"

"Hah! I knew the Sigmund style was better!" Guy said as he followed Dist back past the battle.

"And anyway, I didn't say it had to be one of them who got hurt," Anise pointed out.

At that very moment an unfortunate servant emerged from behind the stack of presents and was, unfortunately, run through by a misplaced Sonic Pillow-Thrust. The same servant collapsed to the ground, saying, "Oh alack! I am slain!" Luke and Asch immediately stopped fighting and stared down at the bleeding corpse.

"Wait, I thought we weren't having anyone die in this fic?" Anise said. "The author can't just change the rules like that!"

"Well, Tear?" Natalia asked.

"Ah… I guess I can give it a shot," she said, shrugging. "But I'm not saying, 'Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi.' …Except to say that I'm not going to say it."

"A-actually I'm not dead yet," the not-corpse said from the floor. "Though I could use some healing, if you don't mi—"

"Okay, never mind, then," Luke said, whirling to aim a chest-high cut at Asch. The long-haired man blocked it easily, and the two resumed their most deadly of pillow fights.

"Tear, can't you just put them to sleep or something?" Guy asked, making his third lap around the interior of the room as Dist scrambled to stay ahead of him.

"Well, there are the Christmas Fonic Hymns that only work during Christmastime," Tear said. "But I don't know if I should—"

"Oh? What new entertainment is this?" Jade said, strolling over casually.

"Okay, I'll do it." Tear took a deep breath, and clasped her hands together. Closing her eyes, she felt the sudden rush of energy that came from the Seventh Fonon, and the decidedly gingerbread aftertaste of the Christmas Fonon. For a moment she just let the power build; then, she opened her mouth, and sang, "Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is—"

"Slag Assault!" Asch called, and there was the sound of rocks leaping from the ground and into the air, and it was completely out of time with the music and the meter got all mixed up and Tear forgot what the next note was momentarily and the spell fizzled.

"All is—" she tried to resume where she'd left off, but to no avail. "All—" she stopped as the noise of the battle once again rose, drowning out her voice. "Oh, damn it. ALL IS CALM!" she shouted, turning on Luke and Asch with a look that could and did cause full-grown ligers to slink away with their tales between their legs (something which is rather hazardous for ligers, and caused them to trip several times until they decided it was easier to just stay down and slink away via crawling).

Asch and Luke, meanwhile, promptly stopped fighting again, stood straight up, and had to fight back the impulse to salute.

"Wow, Tear, I never knew you had it in you," Anise said, looking up at the healer in awe. Tear said nothing, just kept staring at Luke and Asch, albeit with slightly diminished intensity. "You—you know… the whole… shouting… at the top of your lungs… thing…" Anise continued, rapidly becoming uneasy. "Uh… Tear?"

"I said 'silent night!'" Tear said, shifting her gaze to the younger girl. "SILENT! SI—" she was cut off as Anise reached up and slapped her across the face. For a moment she remained quiet, as her features resumed their more normal, less scary appearance. "Thanks, Anise," she said at length.

"What was… that?"

"Oh, I just really hate it when someone talks over a song I'm singing," Tear shrugged.

"You know…" said Anise, "I was always sort of curious why you weren't in the Order's choir group…"

"So…" Asch whispered to Luke, "on top of the roof, five minutes, we can finish this?"

"Why on top of the roof?" Luke whispered back.

"Well, we've got no swords and no music. We ought to at least fight someplace high up."

"Good call," Luke said, nodding in approval.

"Hmm… even with the interruption, it looks like your song wasn't entirely without effect," Jade said, his eyes betraying the series of lightning-quick calculations that were no doubt taking place in his head. Following his gesturing hand, Anise and the others turned to see a tablecloth, draped over two bodies that had fallen to the floor.

"Wait, wait, don't move. I'll check to make sure it's safe." Anise approached the once-again unconscious Ions, and carefully peered beneath the tablecloth, keeping low to the ground so as to minimize the exposure. "We'd better leave the tablecloth," she said, replacing it. "They're still giving off cute levels of around 2.5 Kilo Hello Kitties. You can tell by the slightly more tasteful but still noticeable shojo sparkles."

"But when they wake up, won't they just go back to fighting each other?" Natalia asked.

"I believe one of Tear's Christmas Fonic Hymns might be able to take care of that." Jade said in a carefully measured tone.

"Huh? Well, yes, there is one that would stop them from physically attacking each other, but…"

"Tear!" Anise accused, and practically pounced on the healer. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Well, I just…" she started. "I didn't want to start using fonic artes in the middle of Luke's house without it really being necessary, and the Christmas Fonon sometimes does weird things and—"

"And you were too busy thinking about Luke," Jade offered, in a manner that could be described as helpful.

"And I was too busy thinking about—What? N-no, that wasn't… Really, Anise, that had nothing to do with…"

"It's okay, Tear. You can make it up to me later," Anise said, beaming. Tear sighed and gave a slight nod of defeat.

"But Jade, I thought you wanted the Ions to keep fighting," said Natalia. "To run some sort of illicit gambling operation. Why would you suggest how to make them stop?"

"You thought I was serious?" Jade said, one hand over his heart, as if he had been wounded. "Such naiveté… Of course I wouldn't do anything that profited off of the suffering of our dear friends! Frankly, I'm disappointed that you think so little of me," he went on, shaking his head. "And besides which, even if someone were to run such a gambling operation, the fact that the arte only prohibits direct attacking simply means that the Ions would need to get creative, adding another dimension entirely to their respective odds. But really, who would want to do something like that?"

"Oh Jade! I'm sorry!" Natalia gasped. "I should have known better than to suspect you."

Tear allowed herself one quick glare at the Necromancer, a look such as Anise's glare mentioned earlier in this chapter; then she tapped out a quick rhythm with her foot, hummed a bar or two, and began to sing, "Donna nobis pacem, pacem. Do—nna no—bis pa—chem. Donna…" and so on and so forth. Note the particularly correct use of an ellipsis.

"…How on earth does Tear manage to sing in a round all by herself?" Natalia wondered aloud—in a hushed voice, so as not to disturb Tear—as a second, then a third set of voices joined the song.

"I'm still waiting on how she got that organ in the middle of Tataroo Valley," Guy whispered, dashing past the others and then vaulting over the unconscious Ions as he doggedly remained on Dist's tail. The glint in his eyes as he blew by seemed to suggest that he suspected some sort of fontech.

"It's only a band of traveling, invisible musicians," said Jade, unimpressed.

"What?" Anise said, one eyebrow raised.

"Really?!" cried Natalia at the same time.

"Yes. They follow her around all the time, actually." He shrugged.

"Oh my!" Natalia said, her face turning slightly red.

"No way."

"Well, not to brag," Jade said, in a tone that indicated the exact opposite, "but I am the only person in this room who magically altered his own eyes." There was no argument from the others on that count.

"All right, I'm done," Tear said as the music faded away. She turned back towards the others, then suddenly caught herself. "Um… guys? Where did Asch and Luke go?" Met only by puzzled and concerned glances, and one devious one, Tear muttered, "Oh, no…"

Meanwhile, a titanic clash was taking place between two men who had quite a lot in common. The first phase was the stare-down. They stood, gazing into each other's eyes, for what seemed an endlessly long period of time. They did not move, or speak, they simply stood there, their faces set like granite, as the tension mounted. The weight of the moment did not escape them. There was more at stake here than either of them cared to admit, and when the battle began, it could well be decided in an instant.

At last, the silence was broken:

"So…" said Largo.

There was a long pause as the God General's words faded away. "So…" said King Ingobert.

And again the silence returned as if it had never left. And again it was shattered, defiantly, "Sooo…" Largo began.

"So," the king's reply was concise.

"So?"

"So!"

"…So…"

"So…"

Meanwhile, Luke and Asch stood atop the roof of the building, staring at each other across the vast expanse of marble and places where marble should have been but wasn't and several stray presents that had fallen off of the pile, which reached up and out of the roof off to their right. Neither dared to take their eyes from the other, and only dared to blink when they were fairly sure the other really had to blink as well.

It was most likely this last bit that accounts for the excessive eye watering that had taken place by the time Asch said, "So…" There was a long pause. "We're up here. It's been five minutes."

"Yeah. Let's do this, then," said Luke, raising his pillow in a fighting pose.

At this point, a brief interruption in narrative is required to describe the scene, as both our combatants have flat out refused to notice it. From the top of Fabre manor, looking out over the side, the entire city of Baticul spread out like an enormous wedding cake, its already numerous lights augmented by the Christmas decorations that hung everywhere secularism and questionable, but not necessarily awful, taste could put them. (Readers are asked to note that the above simile is in no way meant to cast aspersions with regard to the fact that Luke dresses primarily in white and Asch in black, and that they are standing at the zenith of this alleged wedding cake. Really.)

A light breeze disturbed the evening, giving the air a bit of a chill, especially at the height at which we find ourselves. It was just enough wind to produce a slightly dramatic swishing effect, but not enough to be particularly distracting—perhaps the only condition that was ideal for the fight that was about to begin. The wind has been known to break the picket line just to spite the other fighting conditions. Overhead, the moon hung about like a party guest who finds themselves witness to a rather awkward situation and is looking for a convenient time to run off, but is afraid that they'll be stuck where they are for quite some time.

As if eager to make up for the delay, Luke suddenly launched himself forward, winding up an enormous, over the shoulder swing. But Asch was ready, and he leapt back, the blow missing his face by mere centimeters, even catching his hair, slightly. He twisted out of the way, and let the replica's momentum carry him forward, then took a slash at Luke's back, only to be met by an awkward, upside-down block that checked his swing. Their pillows stayed locked; Luke twirled around, putting all his weight behind the mass of feathers and cloth, thrusting Asch back and away with a final definitive push.

Asch's feet left the ground for a moment as Luke's sudden burst of strength overwhelmed him, but then he skidded to a stop, only to be met with the sight of Luke charging him once again, pillow already raised. His swordsman training told him instantaneously the error of his ways, like a really obnoxious teacher (his training did come from Van): his guard was down, and Luke was too close. There was no time to block, and even trying to dodge would still result in a glancing blow. There was simply no way to avoid the pillow, even now descending towards him. No way except…

"Candy Cane Thrust!" Asch shouted and drove his pillow forwards. He felt a rush of energy, and the faintest taste of gingerbread, and an enormous, red and white candy cane shot from the tip of his pillow. It plowed into Luke's stomach, his own charge driving him into the blow, bending him nearly double over the candy cane's hooked tip. The deadly cane didn't stop there, though, it drove forward, shooting like a festive missile away from Asch, hurling Luke back through the air until finally he slipped off and fell to the ground some yards away.

Asch lost no time following up on his attack. He dashed forward and readied his pillow to slam down on the replica's prone form. He drew closer; his progress seemed almost painfully slow even though he was running at top speed, until he was nearly upon his target, when suddenly…

"What the HELL was that?" Luke demanded, now sitting upright, and looking most cross.

"What was what?" said Asch, all thoughts of smashing his clone's head against the ground with a pillow momentarily shoved aside by confusion.

"The candy cane… sword… thing!" Luke said, waving his hands in front of him in an utterly incomprehensible attempt to mimic the dimensions of the thing he was talking about.

"You moronic dreck, you didn't know that we were fighting in a Field of Christmas Fonons?"

"Christmas Fonos produce Fields?"

"Why wouldn't they?"

"…And they make your attacks Christmas-themed?"

"Yes, yes you idiot!" Asch all but screamed, his hands engaged in furious up and down gestures which dragged the pillow along with them. "What is so hard to grasp about—"

"Tinsel Cannon!" Luke bellowed, and swung his pillow upwards, squarely into Asch's gut. Clouds of tinsel, in all its many shades and hues, had materialized around the pillow, and some splintered from the group, driving themselves into Asch's torso and lifting him from the ground. Others still clung to the weapon, leaving a vibrant, Technicolor trail behind it as Luke brought it around and thrust it at Asch's chest, left vulnerable by the first blow. Now tinsel flew from the pillow in a seemingly endless stream, blasting the dark-clad man backwards in a wide, excessively colorful arc. As the attack's momentum died and he felt himself falling to the ground, Asch tried to twist about, but only succeeded in plowing his left shoulder into the stones of the roof.

"Oh, so that's how it is, huh?" said Asch, as he climbed back to his feet, ignoring the dull ache already emanating from his chest the way some people ignore spam (in either of its forms). "Fine, then." He turned towards Luke, who was also back upright, and, clenching one fist, intoned, "Rending Candy!" A burst of colorfully wrapped, colorfully colored candies burst into being around his fist, then suddenly took off as he punched in Luke's direction, tearing through the evening air. The flight of the candies gave Asch just enough time to really appreciate the look of surprise on Luke's face before they smashed into it, nearly toppling him over.

Clutching at his face, Luke said, "Ow! Hey, there were jawbreakers in there!"

"Is your jaw broken?" asked Asch.

"No."

"Damn. Rending Candy!" he called again, and another blast of empty calories knocked the replica for a loop.

"That was uncalled for!" Luke protested.

"No," said Asch solemnly. "That was payback for earlier. This is uncalled for." He leapt high into the air, and with a yell that caused nearby bats to veer wildly off course from sheer sonic overload, shouted, "BURNING STUFFING!" He dropped to earth with a mighty kick—it was nowhere near Luke, but it didn't need to be. Flames and scalding celery, bread cubes, chicken broth, and butter erupted from the ground in torrents, leaping high into the sky in a swirling inferno which was also rather pleasantly fragrant.

A moment passed during which Asch could see nothing but the side dish he had invoked on all sides, and the flames which heaved them into the air. And then it was over, the roar of the fire died down, and was replaced with the pop and sizzle of superheated ingredients, and everywhere there was smoke. There was no sign of Luke, and for a second he thought that surely the attack had been enough to finish him.

Then, all at once the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and Asch whirled about just in time to see Luke burst through the smoke with a massive leap. For a second he seemed to hang in midair, moving so slowly as to be barely noticeable. One arm, cocked back far over his head, held the pillow, which began to glow with an eerie purple light. Though everything else in his demeanor seemed wild and reckless, his eyes were strangely focused, staring right at Asch. And then he was upon him.

Asch raised his pillow in defense. Luke let out a roar and his arm came crashing down. The two pillows crashed against each other—purple energy crackled around them, bolts of lightning leaping out towards anything else nearby. Bright light shone, and the smoke blew outwards from the point of impact. Beneath Asch's feet, the stone roof of Fabre Manor began to crack and shatter under the force.

And somewhere, a glass ball dropped. Then another dropped, chasing after it.

There came a ripping sound, and then feathers exploded everywhere as Luke's pillow tore clean through Asch's. The swing carried through nearly to the ground, and Asch went flying backwards as Luke landed awkwardly on the now-uneven stone. Asch felt his shoulders hit the ground, then skip off; he flipped around, and now he slid across the stone on his front, chin dragging along, teeth slamming together with each tiny bump and crevice. At last he came to a stop. The taste of blood was in his mouth, and his already-bruised chest was now screaming at him in irate agony.

Spitting out a mouthful of bloody saliva, Asch staggered back to his feet, if it could be called such. He was slumped, and looked ready to collapse again at any moment. His hair had abandoned its normal, tame state and was now a messy cloud. One leg didn't want to bend, and the other didn't want to be straightened, causing him to adopt a posture made famous by the henchmen of mad scientists.

"Asch," Luke said, facing him, "you've got no weapon, and even if you did, you're in no condition to keep fighting. Give up."

"S-screw you!" Asch shouted back. "Who are you to tell me to give up, you worthless piece of dreck! I'm just getting started!" From his belt, the battered viscount pulled a slender twig, with leaves of dark green sprouting from all along it.

"Is that…?"

"Mistletoe, yes," Asch said, a wild look in his eyes. "It's Van's replica mistletoe, actually, composed entirely of seventh fonons. With this," and as he spoke, the mistletoe began to emit a bright white glow, "I'll be able to kick your ass once and for all!"

"Wait, Asch, what are you going to—" Luke began, before a jumble of loud, atonal notes burst from the mistletoe. At once it turned transparent, almost crystalline, and now it was shining with brilliant light.

"Mistletoe Saber!" shouted Asch. Beams of light shot from the mistletoe in response to his cry, and they wound themselves around him in a wide circle, glowing brighter and brighter until…

SKREEEEEEEE--BOOM! The Mistletoe exploded with light and a sound like a five year old's first violin lesson. The brilliant glare was everywhere, and Luke had to cover his eyes for a moment. When the clamor died down, and he could see again, a lone figure stood at the epicenter of the explosion. The stone beneath his feet was turned dark by the blast, and he himself was charred black from head to toe, for all the difference it made. His hair, still mostly retaining its red color, stuck out straight back from his head, where the explosion had blown it and his singed hair gel kept it still. He gave a slight cough, expelling soot and dust from his mouth.

"Looks like… I got a little carried away," Asch said softly. "Replica… I leave the Christmas Party… to you…" And with that, he collapsed to the ground.

"Asch!" Natalia screamed, dashing onto the roof just in time to witness this final moment. She ran to his fallen body, immediately checking his injuries. "Luke, how could you?"

"Wha—Hey, he did that himself!" Luke said. "The mistletoe blew up in his face!"

"You didn't have to be so rough on him!"

"On HIM? He was beating the crap out of me up until just now!" Luke pointed at his bruised face, for all the good it would do with Natalia utterly absorbed in checking over Asch. "And like I said, I had nothing to do with that last bit!"

"Luke," said Tear, walking up next to him, "I think what Natalia means is that, if you two keep fighting each other to the death, eventually one of you is going to… well, die."

Luke blinked, and stared at her, as sudden understanding dawned. "You're right, Tear," he said. "If we keep fighting like this it's only a matter of time before one of us gets killed. So there's only one thing to do… Kill Asch!"

"What? Luke that's not what I said—" Tear began

"I know, but Tear, Asch and I are forever linked by the bond of being replica and original. As long as we're both alive, we'll never be able to stop fighting," Luke said.

"And this will be different from every other sibling relationship how, exactly?" Tear asked.

"Well… uh…" Luke scratched the back of his head for a moment. "Look, I just really feel like I need to kill Asch right now, okay? Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this?"

Tear admittedly could not think of a particularly good response to that one. Natalia, however, hunched protectively over Asch's body, and said, "No, Luke, you can't do this! I won't let you!"

Ignoring her, Luke advanced on Asch's unconscious form, his pillow raised menacingly. Returning to her senses, Tear was overwhelmed by that nagging, moral sensation that she probably ought to do something. Instinctively she reached for the daggers strapped to her legs, then stopped short. She didn't want to kill Luke… Frustrated, she grabbed the first thing she could get hold of and hurled it with all her might. The object spiraled through the air and conked Luke cleanly on the back of the head, sending him instantly to the ground.

"Mieeeeeeuuuuu…"

"Oh! I'm sorry, Mieu!" Tear said, rushing over to the cheagle, who was staggering back and forth on the ground next to Luke's head, using his ears for balance. "Are you okay?"

The small blue animal raised one paw as if to answer, then fell face forward on the ground.

Overhead, the moon was trying to edge toward the horizon without arousing suspicion. However, several astronomers with no lives and a fair number of couples across the world were still watching it. The moon heaved a moon-sigh. It was going to be a long night yet.

Van: Hello, ones with the same Christmas-based ideals. It's been a while, what with my dying. However, I'm not one to let a little thing like my own death stop me from doing an episode preview!

((Suspicious silence))

Van: Well, that's strange. I was expecting to be interrupted. No MATTER!

((Meanwhile, backstage))

Dist: You go interrupt him!

Legretta: I would never dream of interrupting the Commandant!

Dist: But isn't this your big chance to be with him again even though he's dead?

Legretta: That's no excuse for rudeness.

Dist: Fine, just, someone else do it.

Largo: But he already hates you. It can't possibly lessen his opinion of you at this point.

Dist: No, he'll just kill ME. He's crazy and already dead, there's no telling what he'll do!

Largo: …Sync? You hate everybody. Wanna go interrupt Van?

Sync: No.

Dist: But why?

Sync: Because there are four of you, and only one of Van. I'm actively hating more people by refusing to help you than I would if I interrupted Van.

All: …

((Back out in front))

Van: And then, when I was five, I remember I wanted a pony. So that I could ride out and smite the foolish children of Hod who bought into the Corporations' Holiday Propaganda. Then I would take them and form an army, and together we would free Hod, and then, the World! But I digress.

Van: Next time, on How the God Generals Replicated Christmas: What fate is in store for our heroes? Can the foolish replica and my sister confess their feelings for each other, making me Luke's in-law? Will Guy catch Dist and dismantle his heart?

((Dist runs screaming out from backstage, Guy hot in pursuit))

Dist: But-but-but-but this is just the episode preview! Come on!

Van: What will happen to Christmas in the wake of my death? Will another take up my banner to fight for gumdrops and the smiles of children and also justice? Will the world ever have another Christmas, ever again, and, if it does, will anyone bother to write about it? I'm informed that these questions will be answered somewhere along the line, but you know how I am about predetermining things.

Van: How the God Generals Replicated Christmas, Chapter 5: Don't You Wish Your Love Interest Wasn't Dead Like Me? You have everything you need, if you just believe! BEELIEEEEEEVE!

Ending Note: Woot another chapter down. We may actually be at the halfway point now, but I make no promises for the sheer mass of ideas involved here (to be honest I think they're alive and have a will of their own). At any rate, I've used up all the material I'd written last summer now, just in time to start writing NEW material that will take me forever to put up this summer! No, really, that was a joke…PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORKS!

Ahem. On to business:

"If this planet moves slower than 20 kilometers per second, it will crash into the sun!": Inspired by the premise of the movie Speed, which was a bus that would explode if it went under 50 mph. And yeah, I actually looked up the speed at which the Earth moves, and that's relatively quite a bit slower, just to be safe. Yay for physics-humor! I think.

"I call it… Chia-Auldrant.": A joke off of Pinky and the Brain's episode where Brain creates "Chia-Earth." It's one of my favorites simply because the background music during the scene where they create their paper mache planet is Dvorak's Symphony No. 9, commonly known as the "New World Symphony." Definitely yay for music-based humor!

Dist screaming "LIFE!": The line is basically ripped straight from Young Frankenstein's creation scene (We've been doing various versions of Frankenstein in English). Also I think it'd be kind of hilarious if he got that worked up every time he built a crazy robotic gadget.

((Also, yes, I know that Luke cutting his hair did happen, contrary to what Guy says, but he was right to say that it didn't happen previously in this fic. So close enough.))

It's (finally)!: Before the title appeared in each episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus, there would always be a crazy looking guy who would say "It's!" and then the title would go up. The "(finally)" is, of course, both a reference to the delaying of the title and the fact that I haven't updated this in about four months.

The Chapter Title: Dual (or is that combined?) meaning here, since we have both sets of replicas fighting in this chapter. The first bit is, of course, borrowed from Asch and Luke's fight. Well, technically Asch says something like "This is a fight to settle who we are!" but I always recalled "settle," as "determine." And besides, it fit this better. The second bit is ripped from Futurama's "All My Circuits" segements, making fun of the soap opera amnesia plot device. This would be with regards to the whole soap opera-y love parallelogram between Anise and Ion and Florian and Arietta.

"Even if you were a demon, I'd love you anyway": I swear that this is the gist of the Anime version of Disgaea's opening theme. Which is terrible, because that sort of takes the humor out and makes it a horrible cliché. I've considered that it's actually a parody, but it just didn't feel like one.

"There are only 363 minutes until the Christmas party ends and Love is destroyed by the radioactive contamination of Despair!": This is how each episode of Space Battleship Yamato would end, saying how long the Yamato has to complete its voyage and return to Earth with the Cosmo Cleaner D (I love that name…) before the radiation will reach the underground cities and wipe out the rest of humanity. They initially had a year, hence the 363 minutes.

'I will never rest till then; this I swear, this I swear by the stars!': A line from the song "Stars" out of Les Miserables, one of its many awesome songs. Go Philip Quast as Javert!

Arietta not realizing that there were two Ions: This was actually my mistake, but it was made way back when I first wrote this. Rather than try to fix it, I decided to run with it and make it a joke. (How many of –you- remembered that Arietta wasn't supposed to know about Florian during the Santa scene anyway? Now I'm curious) Because all the things in this fic that tie into other things in it are a tad on the ridiculously complicated side, the fact that I never do outlines has… not really come to bite me so much as make me say to myself "WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO AN OUTLINE, WHY?" As it is I'm still working on when certain events have to happen so that I can squeeze them in but still have everything make sense. But it's getting easier as I get more of the ideas written.

"No one ever dies in a Tales game. Except Asch.": Okay, so definitely not true, but you have to admit, it is relatively amusing. And I still have trouble getting over how Symphonia "killed" and then revived everyone. That was just a bit ridiculous.

—his Turkey Leg was missing the vital z at the end: Part of me never recovered from seeing Nickolodeon's "Turkey Legz!" commercials during Thanksgiving. Yes, they were a joke, but STILL!

"—some adorable pictures of a cat with things on top of it—": THERE IS ACTUALLY A BOOK OF THIS! It is a book filled with NOTHING but pictures of cats with random objects on top of them. Actually, there are TWO, because the one I saw was the SEQUEL. My inner writer is STILL pissed off about that. Bad enough every single politician and actor thinks they can write, but there's a point where it really feels like there's just no effort involved…

"It's nice and warm out here, isn't it?": This is a "line" from Gankutsuou, the second of two translations I will never let up on Geneon about. My Japanese-scholar friend (Julia, incidentally) hasn't actually checked over what the line is literally, but fansub groups initially had it as "When we're like this… it's warm, isn't it?" which felt a lot more like a realistic thing to say under the circumstances. Admittedly the fansub groups could have consciously gone for the yaoi aspect, but I find it more likely that Geneon would consciously steer away. Also Geneon's line just sounds silly.

"No big dramatic speeches or drawn-out depression or… drilling statues somehow": Just another Gurren Lagann reference here, move along. Though I seriously don't get how the drilling of statues works. In a "physically possible" sense. Also where the dirt/rock came from in the middle of the ship…

"A commemorative AMV set to something by Linkin Park": Yeah, okay, so I'm not sure Linkin Park is really used for commemorative AMVs, but there are always lots of AMVs set to songs by Linkin Park and lots of AMVs that are commemorating characters, so it just sort of fits. Of course, TotA has 80 gazillion LukexTear fanart slideshows instead, but that's beside the point.

"Puppies and also the opening theme from Chobits": Okay, now, as teenage boys go, I'm a bit of a romantic, I will admit, and I can go for cute things now and then. But seriously, "Let Me Be With You," is just the most ridiculously over the top saccharine thing ever. I think it actually may go a bit too far and start to come back the other way. Or else it loops several times and ends somewhere in the middle. Anyway, it seemed like appropriate background music, especially since the Ions are "fighting" over a girl.

In the Bottom of a Locked File Cabinent in the Dark Basement with No Stairs Behind a Door that says 'Beware of Leopard.': Where Arthur Dent finally found the plans to demolish his house "on display," in the beginning of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"The moon will crash into the earth in either three days or three weeks.": This is a reference to the semi-common plot device of trying to stop the moon falling on the Earth. The former is from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, while the latter is Gurren Lagann.

BiNAh H8rs: A joke off of emo/death metal band names, which tend to be ridiculous (actually, all band names lately…). Also a pun, since, as one of the Sephirot in the Jewish Kabbalah (let NO ONE tell you that TotA was ripping off Final Fantasy by calling them Sephiroth. They used them in a way that was semi-consistent with the mythology/teachings they were drawn from), Binah is considered the "Power of Love" (well, also understanding and such, I think. Just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I don't still need to look this stuff up on Wikipedia.) Oh, and the general idea here with the black tallit and whatnot is that I just cannot picture a Jewish emo band. It is a pretty hilarious idea, though.

"Over Nine Thousand!": Another obligatory internet meme. Also one which caught on with a few friends around the time Julia and I hatched this particular idea, though I forget which led to the other.

"Well, excuuuse me, Princess!": Link's infamous line from the horribly bad Legend of Zelda cartoon series. It just seemed to fit the situation. In a funny story, a friend of mine gave me a copy of the aforementioned series as "an interesting conversation piece," for Christmas, though I wrote this line first.

"And what happened then? Well, in Baticul they say, that the glare on Asch's face got slightly less glare-y that day.": Note that this (and the later use of "roast beast") is actually the ONLY reference to How the Grinch Stole Christmas in the entire fic. All the other rhyming sections have been playing off of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. I realized that just after I wrote I, and so I decided that I was going to continue the trend, so that this bit would be immortalized as the only time I actually drew a reference to what the title was playing off of.

"'Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi.'": The "magic spell," that the title character of "Club-to-Death" Angel Dokuro-Chan uses to revive the main character after brutally (and comically) murdering him for some minor offense. Also featured extensively in the opening theme.

"Silent Night.": Well, two of Tear's spells are actually "Holy Song" and "Nightmare" so "Silent Night, Holy Night," isn't such a stretch. Plus it seemed obligatory for if I wanted to have Christmas Fonic Hymns. Though I did initially have the lyrics wrong (Julia corrected me), which I suppose is what I get for trying to quote "Silent Night" as a Jew.

Tear flipping out over people interrupting her singing: I swear the only time Tear gets really angry in the whole game is when Luke makes the "melon" remark. Therefore, I of course have plenty of sexual innuendo going on, but I figured she needed another quirk so that I could officially make her angry more often than the game itself. Also this just presented itself as an amusing idea (because really, nothing sucks like getting interrupted in the middle of a song, especially if it's also a spell). Oh, and the bit on getting the meter all mixed up is loosely based on personal experience getting lost in a piece of music, though it's not really anything special. Also I don't actually sing, I'm a (not very good) cellist, but that should be irrelevant.

"2.5 Kilo Hello Kitties": Really, this is just kind of fun to say, though I had no idea what series/thing I was going to use as a "scientific" measure of cuteness until a friend suggested Hello Kitty.

A look such as Anise's glare mentioned earlier in this chapter: Hah! You thought I'd forget about, "Anise glared at him with a look that could be a metaphor unto itself"? Nope! Now the only question is whether everyone else did over the course of… ah…4000-odd words.

"Donna Nobis Pacem": So, I guess this is actually the name of a battle theme from Tales of Destiny 2? But I listened to it and it sounds nothing like the original song. I have to admit, that disappointed me.

The Organ in Tataroo Valley: Seriously, we don't see anything specific to the scene when it's just the vocals, but then we switch over to actually seeing Tear sing when the organ (I think) that is obviously not present in the valley is playing. I mean, it was probably good for the scene because the song was written to be put together like that, but still, weird.

Largo and Ingobert: So, since I keep putting them together in being overprotective of Natalia, I thought perhaps they should do something together (also to affirm that they didn't just disappear inexplicably). However, when I tried to imagine them having a conversation what I came up with was… pretty much what you see here. I mean, really, what DO you say in that situation?

Luke and Asch's Fighting Style: Okay, so they should probably be swinging the pillows one-handed almost all the time, but really, who does that? Okay, me, but only with smallish pillows!

"Burning Stuffing": Don't underestimate the power of very hot stuffing. My mom actually got a pretty severe burn on one foot from a tray of stuffing on Thanksgiving when I was little. She's fine, obviously, or I wouldn't joke about it, but the point here is… uh… hot stuffing is hot or something.

And somewhere, a glass ball dropped. Then another dropped, chasing after it.: A line out of Karma, of course! Not the line that plays during the part of the opening I was spoofing, but that part wouldn't have worked in prose at all.

Glowing Mistletoe: I guess somewhere along the line I started thinking of this effect the way the flumes are described in the Pendragon series by D.J. Machale (they're really very good books). Weird. I didn't actually realize it until I started writing that there was music coming from the thing and then I was like "…This is exactly how flumes activate, isn't it? Oh well, may as well go ahead with it."

Well, there you have it. I won't say the next chapter won't take as long, but I'll see if I can keep up my desire to work on the thing. I do still want to do some LukexTear moments, and the ones I'm thinking of will probably be in the next chapter, so until then, um…Merry Christmas in April? No? Well, okay, then Happy my Birthday in a few days.