Reason number 234 why I don't own Death Note: Near still hasn't gotten together with Linder

Reason number 234 why I don't own Death Note: Near still hasn't gotten together with Linder.

I apologize for the long intro, but I've got a bunch of people I need to thank.

First off, thanks to everyone who gave pickup lines (especially, Moriko220)! I wish I could use them all, but I can't. This chapter's already long as it is.

Second, to Mitchy, for informing me that I didn't accept anonymous reviews. I do now!

And now, on with the chapter.

Mello's Guide to Girls

Phase 1:

Chapter 4:

Pick-up Lines

So after that failure with Jen, (and by failure, I mean EPIC failure,) Mello pulled me aside to berate my unskillfulness. Which I digress.

I am very skilled. Just not a picking up girls.

I ended up tuning him out. Partially. After, "Matt, you suck at life, maybe this was a mistake, blah blah blah…"

Shut the fuck up, Mello. At least you got a good laugh out of it.

Then he started in on something useful. I'm not gonna lie, the art of conversation (which apparently is where is suck the most) is very difficult. I mentioned this to Mello. He bit his chocolate and smiled. Smiled! At ME! For the first time this evening (when he's not laughing hysterically, that is) he smiled at me.

"They have special things for situations like that."

Yes. Sex toys.

I cocked my eyebrow and Mello gave me a DUH! Look.

"They're called pickup lines," he informed me.

Oh really. I had nooo idea.

I did. Slightly.

So then, Mello proceeded in walking me through a wide variety of lines, that apparently varied according to situation and sincerity.

I think I'm gonna need some practice.

On Mello.

But I'm not stupid enough to tell him the last part. Knowing him, he'd have no qualms about stealing my car and leaving me here.

And then I'd be totally screwed (and not in a good way) because then I'd have to pick up a girl so I could get a ride home (and who knows how successful that would be) because if I came home with a guy then Mello would really know something was up.

That would really suck.

Mello was like, "Ready?" I replied with a resolute nod and we headed into the dim interior of the club.

Did I mention Mello was beside me?

All I'd have to do would be to reach out and take his hand and we'd run off into eternal bliss.

No, Matt. Focus. I shook my head vigorously. Mello gave me a look.

"Be smooth," he whispered.

Ok. Screw the hand plan.

We rounded the corner. In the dim light, with my dark clothes, watching the scantily clad girls pass, I felt like a spy.

Secret Agent Matt and his promiscuous partner, Secret Agent Mello to the rescue!

Fighting crime by day, making love by night.

Sweet.

Mello touched my arm lightly.

Oh my- Kira!

I think I just had a heart attack.

"Her." Mello pointed to a girl with brownish red hair standing a few feet away. I looked at him and nodded.

Secret Agent Matt, GO!

"Hey," I said smoothly to the girl. (Yo equals no go. I'm apparently not going for the gangst-ah type vibe.) She turned to me and smiled.

"I'm Sara. You are?" Fake name! I need a fake name! She could be a demon girl trying to eat me!

"I'm Matt," I replied.

Ok. Time to put Mello's teachings to work.

"I like your outfit." I hoped my gaze was appraising.

"Really?" She looked at me funny. I took a deep breath.

"It would look great on my floor."

"AH!" her mouth dropped open and she walked away. I ran my hand through my hair. Ok, well, not my problem if she doesn't want to get laid. I made my way back to Mello's side.

He looked at me.

"How'd it go?"

I shrugged. I mean, I'm not gonna come out and tell him that I suck at it.

That would be like admitting I suck in bed.

Which, I might. I may need to practice that a bit.

"That good, huh," Mello bit his chocolate. He looked at me, a bit disinterestedly. "Just loosen up and be natural. You'll get better. Now go practice," he shooed me away.

Practice my ass.

Actually, good plan. Get over here, Mello.

"Hey, I'm Miranda," a girl with light brown hair and hazel eyes came up to me.

WAIT, seriously? Be cool, Matt. This is your big chance. Snag her and impress Mello.

"I'm Matt," she put her hand on my shoulder.

"You're pretty cute." Cute?

Was she high? Mello is cute. I'm a sexy man beast.

"I'm not cute," I informed her. I lowered my voice slightly.

You know. To be more secret agent like.

"Then what are you?" I thought for a moment.

Be natural.

"I'm a computer game," I said matter of factly. She moved closer. "You can play me all night long."

"Oh, really?"

Was this seriously working?

I never expected Mello to be telling the truth when he said this would work…

"Would you like a drink?" I took her hand and led her to the bar. I glanced over at the table where Mello was sitting.

Was, being the keyword.

That little bastard snuck out on me.

Miranda put her hand on my face and turned it back toward her.

"You looking for someone?" I shook my head. "Cause I know another girl you might like. If you don't mind sharing, that is."

I think my brain is dying.

And where the fuck is Mello?

"I don't like sharing." My PSP.

You, I'll cut you into a bazillion pieces and share you with the whole world.

"Hey, Miranda."

"Hey." Go with her. "Meg, have you met Matt?"

Fuck my life. She's coming over. She batted her eyelashes at me.

I hope they fall off.

"I have now. My name's Meg," I swallowed.

Suck it up. What if Mello comes in?

"I'm Matt," Meg leaned across my lap, her blond hair brushing my legs. She grabbed a straw form the cup and opened it with her teeth.

I should learn how to open condoms with my teeth.

That is a sexy man beast move.

Smooth, very smooth.

"You remind me of Tetris, you always want the long ones." Meg stared for a moment before realizing the comment was directed toward her.

She took her soda and dumped it on my head.

Um, Cold? I had no need for that. Miranda is enough to keep away dirty thoughts about Mello.

C'mon now, seriously.

"You jerk!"

Overreaction much?

"I don't even know you! Is that all guys think about, sex?"

Yes. But not with you.

She threw her cup at me and stormed away. Miranda gave me a look and followed what's her face.

I blinked at them.

That's right. You just can't handle my man beastlyness.

My cold, sticky man beastlyness.

Well at least Mello didn't just see that.

Oh, wait, shit.

Maybe he did.

Shit.

He's coming over here.

-Level up!: More Practice!-

That was remarkably fun to write! Thanks to everyone's help, I have so many pickup lines and victim's I have no room for them all! So, maybe there will be a bonus chapter with just Matt and bad pickup lines. So keep your eyes out for that.

What'd you think?

Xoxo

SatreProxy