A/N: Thanks for all the comments guys. Keep reading and reviewing! This is one from Jesse's point of view. There will be more soon (another one tonight hopefully) because I have time off from school now!
Jesse St. James was well into his first year at UCLA, thanks to his full ride acquired from being the star of Vocal Adrenaline. Now he was in the process of taking over his new school, one production at a time. He was already the most sought after actor and singer on campus. He was also the most sought after guy on campus by all of the girls, from the shy invisible girls to the sororities. There were even a few guys after him. Because of this, every time he performed there would always be a full house every night.
Life was good, right?
Not so much.
He promised himself that when his plane landed in California he'd forget about everything that went wrong back home. He really messed up. He allowed himself to be so overcome with jealousy and the peer pressure from his fellow VA members. He tried with all his might to block out what he did that day, but there was no use. His own stupidity cost him the best thing that had ever been his.
There was no way that he could justify his actions on that fateful day.
Shelby was the one who took him to the airport because his parents were conveniently on another one of their cruise vacations. He remembered the final advice that she gave him before he left.
"Remember kid, you're a star. You have the potential to be the biggest thing that's ever hit the industry in years. Just don't let your own guilt get in the way of that. Let it go, and go shine."
For a while he really thought he would be okay. That lasted about as long as his flight. The truth was he would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done to Rachel Berry. He had to resist the urge to go back to her and beg for her forgiveness. But he knew that she deserved a guy who wouldn't break her heart, a guy she could really trust.
Maybe that guy was Finn. Whether he is or isn't, it isn't his place to get involved again after the damage he caused. He had to move on with his life in California, while Rachel eventually moved on with hers in New York City on Broadway. They would be on opposite ends of the country and would more than likely never see each other again. He knew he'd always silently support her in all she does because he truly believed that she was destined for great things.
It scared him how much he felt and still feels for Rachel. He had dated a ton of other girls who he had no problem forgetting about after it was over. Their hearts were left in pieces because of his inability to commit to a real relationship. Rachel wasn't supposed to be an exception; she supposed to be nothing more than an acting exercise. But that exercise went horribly wrong. Somewhere along the line, he actually fell for her. Maybe it was because she was the female equivalent of him. Maybe it was because she understood all of his theatrical quirks. He thought her quirks were just adorable…
Whenever he caught himself reminiscing on the good times he had with Rachel, he found himself wearing a bittersweet smile on his face. He still laughed at the fact that her fathers kept all of her baby teeth and that she took him to a Wiggles concert. If any of his other girlfriends would have asked him to go to a Wiggles concert, he would have ran away fast. But he just found Rachel too cute to abandon.
But he did abandon her.
It was the night of another one of his rehearsals at the campus theatre. He was the main male character of a show written by a student playwright on campus. She creatively mashed up Taylor Swift songs into a storyline about a girl who dreamed of becoming a great music artist. He played her boyfriend who broke her heart. He initially wanted to turn the role down because there was just no way that he could ever escape his guilt when he was playing a character that reminds him of his biggest regret. There was no way that he could turn it down after all of the media exposure the show generated because Taylor Swift herself tweeted about wanting to see it. Tickets to every show were already sold out because fans from all over the area ordered them just because she advertised it. He couldn't turn down that kind of exposure.
Once rehearsal got out, he decided to stick around and play piano to get his mind off of things. He liked to spend hours on his own composing melodies. It was sort of therapeutic for him. He was in the middle of playing a tune that he had recently composed when his phone vibrated in his pocket.
It was a text message from a restricted number.
All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss.
Jesse stared at the message for a few seconds in confusion. Was it a drunken text from one of his drunken one night stands from his past? Or could it be from her? It couldn't be though. He still had her number programmed into his phone and it wasn't restricted. But maybe she changed her number… Why would she miss him though?
There was no way that he could hide from his feelings for her any more. He was unraveling from the guilt that he carried for what he had done and the love for her that his heart still possessed. The sooner he accepted it the better.
On top of the piano was a Taylor Swift songbook from her Fearless album that some of the members of the band used for rehearsal. Jesse flipped through the book and found a song that he found relatable to his situation that another character in the show sang. He was adjusting the songbook in front of him when he saw another hand help him hold the book open.
Jesse nearly fell off of the piano bench in shock when he saw Rachel Berry sitting next to him with a smile. He knew that there was absolutely no way that she could be there. He must be hallucinating. Despite knowing this, he couldn't help but feel like taking advantage of his temporary insanity. If this was the only way he could be with Rachel, he welcomed insanity with open arms.
She sat there, her eyes moving from him to the piano, as if telling him to play for her. He smiled because it reminded him about their first time singing together when they first met. Come to think of it, she was wearing the same outfit she wore that day. His mind was definitely playing tricks on him. Nevertheless, he obeyed the wishes of his dream Rachel and started to play a song for her.
I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
He paused for a second to make sure his dream Rachel was still there before continuing. He didn't want her to disappear. He just couldn't…
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
He invited her to sing along with him. He'd give anything to hear her voice melt into his again. His dream Rachel started to sing harmonies for him.
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
He was so into the song now that he was pounding the piano keys with such emotion. He had tried to keep it all inside, in hopes that they will somehow disappear. It was impossible.
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
Their voices danced together as if they were made for each other. Jesse knew now that he could not live without Rachel Berry. He had to find her and get her back, if it was the last thing he ever did. Until then, this dream version of her would have to suffice.
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
He was in tears. He would find Rachel and apologize for all the hurt he caused her. He had to.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry….
Jesse woke up at the piano with the Taylor Swift song book on top of his head. He had to have been sleeping for at least three hours. He glanced at his phone and saw that it was 2 am.
Was all of that a dream?
He went through his texts and found that mystery text message. He definitely didn't hallucinate that. He sighed to himself.
"Rachel, if that's you… I miss you more than you know." He said out loud as he glanced over to the spot where his dream Rachel sat.
Jesse gathered his things and drove home to turn in for the night. He was about to collapse in his bed when he remembered that he brought over a few mementos that reminded him of Rachel. He rummaged through his closet before he found the box.
Inside were a few photo booth pictures from their trips to the movies. He knew he looked excellent but could only stare at her. She was flawless.
The biggest thing in the box was the Care Bear that Rachel had given to him early into their relationship. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He picked up his Love A Lot Bear and held it for a while.
That night Jesse St. James, the guy known around for not having a heart, fell asleep tearfully clutching his Care Bear wishing that it was Rachel. He could never let her go. He couldn't breathe without her.
