Set during 5x14 "Spend"

My past has tasted bitter for years now

So I wield an iron fist

Grace is just weakness

Or so I've been told

I've been cold, I've been merciless

But the blood on my hands scares me to death

Maybe I'm waking up today

"I'll Be Good" – Jaymes Young

Chapter 3 – The Blood on My Hands Scares Me to Death

Amelia leaned her head against the window, watching the trees rush by outside as the car sped down the deserted road. She continued to run her fingers absentmindedly over the blood-stained leather bracelet that was wrapped around her wrist. That afternoon she had left Alexandria in a group of seven, but only five were returning. It was a fact that Mia had yet to accept as her mind continued to go over to what had occurred in the last few hours alone. She didn't bother wasting her time, dreaming of the chance to change the past. She had seen it all play out before her very eyes and she knew what she had to do when she returned home. She just wasn't ready to mourn the losses yet.

Mia's brown eyes landed on Glenn who was driving the large van. He looked a lot like her in that moment, sitting there with his arms covered in blood halfway up to his elbows and no emotions behind his eyes. He was just staring blankly at the road ahead.

"He's never leaving that place again," Mia murmured quietly.

"What?" Glenn asked, barely taking a moment to glance in her direction. They were all running on fumes at this point, ready for the day to be over.

"Nicholas," Mia answered as her gaze flickered to the rearview mirror. She could see Eugene cowered in the corner of the van, pointing a gun at the unconscious man lying beside Tara. If she could choose who would live and who would die between the two, she would choose Tara in a heartbeat. She had just met the girl formally that morning, but Mia already knew that she was a better, stronger person than Nicholas could ever be.

"I thought you were going to make sure he was going to die," Glenn said, gripping the steering wheel tightly for a moment. He half-agreed with the younger girl that Nicholas should be executed for what he did, but the other part of him was still trying to convince him to give the man another chance.

"My mom will never execute him or even give the order to have it done for her," Mia sighed as she ran a hand through her blood-streaked bangs and tilted her head against the window. "But if I can't convince her to exile him at least, then I will do everything I can to make sure he never gets someone killed again."

"How are you going to do that?" Glenn asked. He gave her a sidelong glance and she met his gaze a second later, barely shrugging her shoulders.

"I don't know, but I'll break both of his legs if I have to, and if that doesn't work I'll put a bullet between his eyes," Mia answered, showing no sign of remorse for her candor. Glenn sighed heavily as he returned his attention to the road ahead.

"There's been enough blood spilt because of him," Glenn told her.

Amelia swallowed hard as she dropped her eyes to her lap. Her hands and arms were so thickly tainted with blood that she could no longer see her own skin. The crimson stains were so deeply set that she couldn't remove them just by rubbing them with her hands. She knew most of it belonged to Aiden, but some also belonged to Tara and herself. And while she stared at the blood she was wearing she couldn't tell any of it apart. It was just all mixed together there on her arm, a constant reminder of what they had been through and who they'd lost.

"It's never going to be enough," Amelia said with unwavering certainty.


A few hours earlier…

"We're not driving all that way just so we can drive back with the wrong shit," Aiden said, smiling smugly before handing Noah and Amelia another pair of guns and silencers. His sister returned his smile as she weighed the weapon in her hand, happy to be able to defend herself again.

"It's a dozen of these," Eugene told him, holding up a black square device with a wire coming out of one side. "They are consistent in appearance across all manufactures. The shit will be right." He looked at Noah and Mia when Aiden started to walk away. "I will install said shit and the grid will be fully operational."

"Just take the gun, Eugene," Amelia sighed as she pressed one of her guns to his chest with a tilt of her head. The taller man hesitated, but eventually managed to wrap a hand around the weapon. Amelia gave him an encouraging smile as she patted him on the shoulder. "There you go."

She tucked the other gun she was holding into its holster and turned on her heels, coming face to face with her mom and dad. She put on her most convincing smile as they pulled her into consecutive hugs, Reg placing a kiss on her forehead as she stepped back from their embrace. Amelia couldn't help but smile genuinely. Her father had always kissed her forehead instead of her cheek. It was just another thing she had come to miss after being separated from her family for years.

"You guys got everything?" Reg asked as Aiden walked up beside his younger sister.

"First aide kit, yellow pages," Amelia began.

"Glenn made a check-list," Aiden finished. "We're good. I swear."

"I know," Reg said. "I'm just a worrier. That's how that wall wound up around us."

"Take care of each other, okay?" Deanna addressed her children and the siblings nodded in response.

"We always do," Aiden told his mother as he leaned in to kiss her goodbye on the cheek.

"You ready?" Aiden asked Mia once their farewells were done.

"Ready as I'll ever be," his sister shrugged as they started towards the van. Aiden wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"Aw. You don't need to be afraid, Mia Bug. I got your back," Aiden teased as he ruffled her hair like he used to do when she was little.

She elbowed him as hard as she could in ribs without doing any real damage and shoved him away from her lightly. "Jack-ass."

"Love you too, sis," Aiden chuckled. "Love you, too."

"You're lucky I don't feed you to the walkers," Mia quipped as she tossed her backpack into the back of the van.

"You won't get the chance. We'll be in and out of there before you know it," Aiden told her, completely confident.

Mia laughed lightly as she looked up at her brother. "You better have not just jinxed the whole thing."


The music eliminated any chance for conversation during the ride to the warehouse. Amelia's brother continued to blast it even after they were miles away from Alexandria. Mia tried to get him to turn it down, but he just smiled and shook his head. After that, she decided to sit back and try to enjoy the rest of the drive, watching as the world outside raced by her window. She was happy to feel the wind blow against her face, though. After months of traveling on foot, it was good to be able to travel by car again.

Amelia pressed her lips into a faint smile as she looked into the rearview mirror, her gaze landing on the five other people joining her and Aiden on the run to find spare parts for the power grid. She watched Glenn and Noah for a minute and then turned her attention to Tara and Eugene. They'd all come from the same group of survivors, but, in hindsight, they couldn't be more different from each other. She could only guess how they managed to end up in the same group, fighting to stay alive together. But at least she knew a little more about their family after her visit earlier that day.

Carl was the one to come to the door when she knocked. He smiled once she caught his gaze with hers and said a quick hello before stepping aside to let her into the house. Amelia sucked in a silent breath when she saw that their living room was filled with people she recognized like Rick and Daryl and Carol, but there were also a few faces she had yet to put a name to. She plastered on her best shy, sincere smile as Carl made the introductions, but knew it would take a while for her to memorize all the names.

She realized pretty quickly that these people weren't that comfortable around strangers, though. Most of them couldn't keep their watchful gazes off her, as if they were waiting for her to make some drastic move. Amelia knew they wouldn't buy her pretty smiles like the rest of Alexandria so she just sat down beside Carl and waited for him to tell her why she was there. She knew that he wanted his family to get to know her better, but what exactly did they need to know? Everything?

"How are you today?" Carol asked politely with a tender smile. Amelia turned her gaze to the older woman. She knew the woman was putting up an act, but she would be the last person to expose her. If anything, she might have been the only one to truly understand why she was doing it.

"Good," Amelia answered as she sat back on the couch. "I gave a friend his first shooting lesson and had lunch with my family—something I haven't done in years."

"You must be so happy to be back after so long." Carol nodded understandingly.

Amelia smiled as she returned the gesture. "I am."

"Has your mom given you a job yet?" Carl asked, giving the older girl a sidelong glance.

"No," Amelia responded. "She said she hasn't made a final decision about what would be the best choice for me."

"Wha' da hell does that mean?" The large burly ginger asked from the corner of the room.

"It means she doesn't know her own daughter anymore," the woman Amelia had come to know as Michonne said bluntly.

"Michonne," Carl murmured as he looked up at the dark-skinned woman, but Amelia looked at him and shrugged.

"No, she's right," Amelia said. "My mom—my family, they don't know me. They know almost everything they could know about me, but they don't know me. My mom hates not knowing me and she won't give me a job until she thinks she does."

"Did you let her interview you on camera?" Noah asked next.

"Yeah," Mia told him, "with my whole family watching."

"And you were okay with that?" One of the younger women in the room asked her from her seat beside the burly ginger.

"The only way they're going to make the permanent changes they need to make around here to survive is if they know what's out there—what I've had to endure just so I could live to see another day," Amelia explained calmly.

"Have you asked her the questions?" Michonne asked as her eyes fell on Carl. The teen shook his head and looked up at his father. Rick was the one who typically asked the three questions and decided if the answers were acceptable or not.

"What questions?" Amelia questioned. Carl raised an eyebrow in his dad's direction.

"You want to do the honors?"

Rick sighed as he nodded and went to sit on the coffee table in front of Amelia. He'd asked a number of people the same three questions over the last two years, but he was rarely so curious to know the answers.

Amelia arched an eyebrow as Rick met her gaze. He cleared his throat and leaned forward a little before starting the short questionnaire. "How many walkers have you killed?"

"Not enough."

"How many people have you killed?"

"Too many to count," Amelia responded without a moment's hesitation.

"Why?" Rick asked,

Amelia's brown eyes met Rick's blue ones as she leaned towards him, ignoring the countless other gazes falling on her. "I made a promise to do whatever it took to survive. Turns out, I had to become a killer to keep that promise."

It was no mistake that she told them the truth. If anyone in Alexandria would be able to understand her past actions, it would be them and she knew that the second she walked into their house. And it took a while, but eventually the conversation became more and more open as the minutes turned into hours. By the end of her visit, she'd learned quite a few things about Rick's family and in turn they'd learned quite a few things about her.

That's why she felt pretty comfortable going on the run with the members from Rick's group. Their experience led her to believe that they'd all return from the supply run safely and unharmed. She never expected things to take a turn for the worst just because there was a coward amongst them.

Amelia had been at the mercy of cowards before and she'd come to know one important thing; the world has no room for them.


After doing a perimeter check around the outside of the warehouse, they'd realize there was only one truly safe exit and it also happened to be the one they had entered through. Glenn attempted to lure any straggler walkers before he led the group inside. They split up into smaller groups as they began to wander through the number of aisles, searching for lone walkers. Amelia was relieved to see that for the most part it was rather empty. Glenn was the first one to hear the faint sound of walker snarls and they quickly stumbled upon a small horde trapped behind a metal link fence.

They split off into pairs of two, with Mia being the third wheel to Tara and Eugene's duo and started to look for the parts Eugene needed to get the power grid going again. Mia thought the supply run might take a little longer than Aiden first suggested after seeing how many boxes were stacked up inside. They moved fast, though, and Eugene spotted the correct box within the first half-hour.

Tara helped him load up his bag with what he needed as Mia started back towards her brother. She stopped short when she saw Aiden struggling to take down a walker. She was tempted to do it herself with her knife even though she knew Aiden could handle it himself. It wasn't until the walker was on the floor that she saw the grenades strapped to it's chest. The next shot Aiden fired hit grenade. She didn't even have time to brace herself for the explosion.

She was thrown back, suddenly. She felt her head hit something hard a second later and everything went black.


There was no disorientation when Amelia finally gained consciousness. She knew exactly where she was and she knew that it was Aiden who'd caused the explosion. It was only after she realized her brother wasn't with them in the small room she'd woken up in that she began to panic.

"Where's my brother?" She asked out loud, expecting anyone to answer. When no one did she rolled her hand into a fist, clenching it tightly. "Where is Aiden?!"

"He's dead," Nicholas blurted from his spot by the window.

"No," Mia responded quickly, shaking her head. "No. He can't be dead. Just tell me where he is and I can go get him."

"Mia, I'm sorry, but he was killed when the grenade went off," Glenn said, and Mia could see he was telling the truth.

"Where is he?" She asked shakily. "We need to get his body. I have to take it home so we can—so we—we can bury him." Amelia was near tears by the time she finished the sentence, fighting the urge to cry and scream all at once. She had promised her parents that she'd look after him and now—now he was dead and she had nothing to bring home to her family.

"We can't," Nicholas snapped. "There are too many roamers out there."

Glenn shot Nicholas a sharp look, fighting the urge to punch him in the face and turned back to Mia. "Look, we'll do what we can to get your brother's body, but there are walkers out there and Tara is hurt."

"What?" Mia breathed and looked over her shoulder when Glenn gestured behind her. Surely enough Tara was lying on the metal table in the middle of the room, blood pouring from a deep wound on her forehead. Mia stepped towards the young woman and tried to get a better look at the cut.

"What are you doin'?" Eugene questioned as she reached a hand towards Tara.

"I was studying pre-med at Harvard before the world went to shit so I'm trying to save her life. If you've got a problem with that then too fucking bad," Mia said, giving Eugene the harshest glare she could muster up at the moment. They'd already lost Aiden. She wasn't going to let them give up another life just for some stupid power grid.

Eugene sighed heavily before stepping back a considerable distance. Mia lifted the makeshift bandage and gasped when she saw exactly how bad the wound was. She could feel her own head pounding, telling her that she also had some type of head injury, but she was going to put all of her attention on Tara for now. She had plenty of time to help herself later.

"Can you help her?" Noah asked from behind her.

Mia hesitated to answer as she glanced around the room, searching for anything she could use to help slow the bleeding to close the wound temporarily. She shook her head when she realized there was nothing. "Not here. She must have gotten knocked against one of the aisles. She has severe head trauma and an obvious concussion. There could be more damage to her skull or brain-swelling. I can't do much for her here except apply pressure and pray that the bleeding stops." She ran her fingers through her bangs as she tried to think of anything else that could help the girl lying before her survive, leaving behind a streak of blood in her hair. Mia turned to Glenn when she remembered the list of things they brought with them. "We brought a med-kit, didn't we?"

"Aiden had it. It got blown to hell," Nicholas said. "We have another one in the van."

"She's not going to be able to hold on much longer. We need to get her to the van or she'll die," Mia told the group.

"We'll get her there," Glenn responded with no hint of doubt.

Mia pressed her lips into a thin line as she tried to wrap Tara's head with the cloth she had on hand as tightly as she could. Tara had to get back to Alexandria and the only way that was going to happen is if Mia could get the blood flow to stop or at least slow down significantly.

She'd just finished dressing Tara's wound when she heard the pain-fueled groans coming from outside the little office they were hiding in.

"Oh, Jesus," Nicholas muttered.

"Aiden's alive?" Mia asked as she rushed towards the window, knowing it was the only reasonable explanation. She gasped when she saw him impaled on several metal poles. She didn't have to hear him to know he was in constant pain and she knew she was going to try to save his life.

"I checked him," Nicholas explained. "I thought—I thought I—I—"

"We have to go get him," Mia pleaded as she faced Glenn. She was going to go and try to rescue her brother no matter what, but it was Glenn who would make the final decision if anyone was going to join her.

Glenn met her eyes and nodded. "It's going to take at least three of us."

"We got that kind of time?" Noah asked, referencing Tara's condition.

"I can't make that—" Mia started.

"If we pull Aiden off that thing, he could die," Nicholas argued.

Mia turned on him, anger contorting her features. "Are you trying to tell me that you want to leave my brother behind?"

"Go! Save him!" Eugene urged suddenly. They all looked at him to see that he was leaning over Tara, keeping a helpful hand pressed over the bandage Mia had replaced on her. "She'd do it. I know she would." He looked up from Tara at the rest of the hesitant group. "I'll stay with her. I'll keep her safe. I assure you. I will."

"Alright," Glenn said. He gestured to Mia and Noah. "We'll knock them back." He glanced over at Nicholas. "Do you still have that flare?"

"Yeah," Nicholas nodded weakly.

"Okay, you fire that flare over the shelves," Glenn instructed as he walked towards the door. "It'll pull some of them over." He glanced between Mia and Noah as the two younger adults prepped themselves to take on the walkers outside. "We're going to take on the rest hand to hand, you ready?"

It didn't take as long as Mia had expected for them to reach Aiden. Surprisingly, Nicholas fired the flare in the opposite direction like he was told to do and they made a run for the older of the Monroe siblings. They had to take out a few walkers, but it wasn't anything more than they could handle just the four of them.

Mia reached Aiden first, surveying the damage before looking up at him. She tried to smile despite the tears that were already making their way down her face and the pure fear starting to rise up in her chest.

"Hey, big bro," Mia said, forcing herself to laugh lightly. "Don't you worry. We're going to get you out of here and we're going to go home together. Okay?"

Aiden groaned as he nodded, showing his sister that it was not going to be easy getting him off the pieces of metal.

"Your sister's right," Glenn told him as he stepped up beside Mia. "We're going to get you off these things, but you have to try to stay quiet, alright?"

"Okay," Aiden agreed through his gritted teeth.

Mia, Glenn and Nicholas each grabbed a part of Aiden and counted to three before pulling on him hard. They all winced when he cried out in pain.

"The flare," Noah shouted, "they're burning out!"

Glenn and Mia took a deep breath in unison as they braced themselves to give Aiden another pull, but Nicholas stepped back, his head whipping around anxiously.

"We're not going to make it," Nicholas told the others.

Mia didn't hesitate to grab him the collar of his shirt and yank him towards her. "We are, but only if you help us. So take a deep breath, pull yourself together, and fucking help us!"

"Fine," Nicholas grunted as Mia let go of him and turned back to her brother.

"Don't leave me," Aiden pleaded with his friend as they all grabbed onto him.

"Okay," Nicholas told him, but when Mia looked over her shoulder at him she could still see the hesitation and doubt plainly written in his expression.

Gunshots started to ring out behind them as they started to pull on Aiden again, this time sliding him even a little farther off the metal. Mia noticed the second Nicholas stopped pulling. She watched in complete dismay as he leaned close to her brother and lowered his voice to a whisper she could barely understand.

"You left them. We both did. That's who we are," Nicholas whispered as he began to pull away from Aiden, looking him straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry." He turned to Mia and Glenn next. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Glenn tried to grab for the man, but he stepped out of his grasp and started off towards the front of the warehouse, never looking back. Mia watched him disappear behind an aisle, still completely shocked at his illustration of pure cowardice. Mia thought that there could be no one like that left in a world like this. Glenn pulled her on the arm to get her attention back to her brother. They each grabbed one of Aiden's arms and placed their other hands behind his back, pulling to get him off the metal on which he was impaled.

"They're coming!" Noah shouted as the horde of walkers seemed to multiply behind them.

"It's okay, it's okay," Aiden heaved. He looked between his sister and Glenn as he took a few shallow breaths. "It—it was us—the others, before. Th—they didn't panic. We did. It was us." He took another deep breath and looked right at Glenn. "Take Mia, and go. Keep her safe, please."

"No," Mia pleaded as she started to pull on Aiden again. She wasn't going to give up until they were either both dead or both walking out of the warehouse alive. "We're not leaving you."

Aiden used one of his hands to cup the side of her face and the other to push something into her hand. "I'm sorry I won't be here to protect you, but I love you, little sis. And I'm so proud of you. Never forget that, okay? Never!"

"No, Aiden. I made a promise to mom and dad. I'm not leaving you! I'm not leaving you!" Mia cried as she continued to try to pull her brother loose even though, deep down, she knew it was no use. Aiden was going to die and there was nothing she'd learned in the last two years that could keep that from happening.

"Take her, Glenn. Get her out of here, please!" Aiden shouted as the horde of walkers started to close in on them.

"No, no, no," Mia cried as she stepped close enough to her brother to kiss him on the cheek. She sobbed when she felt him tilt his head against hers and pressed a kiss to her cheek in response. "I'm sorry."

"Don't blame yourself. This is my fault. I love you, Mia Bug," Aiden murmured against her ear before she was pulled away by Glenn.

"They're here! We gotta go!" Noah shouted nearly a second later.

He grabbed onto Glenn's shoulder as the older man struggled to keep a hold of Mia. He lost his grip on her for a split second and she took the chance to step away from him and pull the gun out of the holster on her hip. She raised the weapon to eye level and aimed it straight at Aiden's head. She steeled herself and took a deep breath, squeezing the trigger as she let it out. She felt her heart break when the bullet hit her brother straight between the eyes, killing him right before the walkers could rip into him.

Mia brought hand over her mouth as her entire body shook with a heavy sob. Glenn grabbed her arm a moment later and began pulling her behind him and Noah. He knew there was no way she was going to be able to pull herself together at a time like this, but that's exactly what he needed her to do if they were going to make it out of there alive.


Eugene kept the car moving slowly around the warehouse as he continued to look for Glenn or anyone else who'd gone on the run with them. He didn't allow himself to jump to the conclusion that they could've died even after he had led half of the walkers away. So, he stayed in the parking lot, waiting for the moment Glenn would come running from around the corner with the rest of their group on his heels and they would drive out of there like a bat out of hell. They would need to go soon, though, if they wanted to get back to Alexandria in time to save Tara. The head wound had yet to stop bleeding, but Eugene knew there was still a chance for her to live and he was going to hold onto that hope until the end.

"Hey! Hey!" Nicholas shouted as he came running towards the car, coming to an abrupt stop by Eugene's window. "Move over! We're leaving!"

Eugene shut off the engine as Nicholas opened his door and stepped out. A small part of him was relieved to see that Nicholas had survived, but his train of thought went immediately to the others that had been with him only moments before.

"Get back in the van!" Nicholas commanded loudly.

"Not until you tell me where they are," Eugene retorted remaining planted in his spot, blocking Nicholas from getting into the driver's seat.

"Either you come back with me," Nicholas said between heavy breaths, "or you stay here and you die with your friends. Those are your choices."

Eugene held the shorter man's relentless gaze for a moment before reaching for the gun tucked into the front of his pants. Nicholas realized what Eugene was trying to do and ripped it from his hands, pushing him to the floor roughly. He jumped into the driver's seat and reached for the keys resting in the ignition. But before he could wrap his fingers around it, two hands dug into the shirt on his back and around his arm, the person pulling him out of the car quickly. Nicholas grunted as he landed on the floor and looked up to see who had been the one to hinder his escape.

"You're a fucking coward!" Amelia screamed at him before cocking her bloody arm and bringing it down on Nicholas' face as hard as she could. She dropped to her knees and pulled back her arm again, landing another solid punch across the man's cheek. "We trusted you, you son of a bitch! You should have been the one to die in there! Not Aiden! Not Noah! You!"

Amelia went to hit Nicholas again, but Glenn grabbed her around the stomach and yanked her to her feet before she could. She ripped herself from his grasp and turned on him, her bloodied face contorting with rage.

"My brother! Noah! They are dead because of him!" She shouted at Glenn as she pointed at Nicholas, who was lying unconscious on the floor behind her. "He deserves to die!"

"If you kill him, you will have to live with that choice for the rest of your life. Aiden wouldn't have wanted that for you!" Glenn responded quickly, his eyes filling with compassion and sorrow as his mind went back to the two people they'd lost because of Nicholas. He hated the man, but something was holding him back from killing him. "Aiden asked me to keep you safe and to get you out of here. That's all I'm trying to do right now."

Amelia's shoulders trembled as she took a shaky, deep breath. She gritted her teeth and looked over her shoulder at Nicholas, exhaling slowly. She pursed her lips into a thin line and turned her gaze back to Glenn. "He deserves to die—and that is what I'm going to tell my parents when they ask what happened."

"Mia," Glenn called after the younger girl as she started to turn towards the car. He swallowed dryly when she met his eyes. "Everybody deserves a second chance."

"Not anymore," she deadpanned and Glenn knew she would make good on her word. He watched as she gave Nicholas another sharp look and slid into the van, slamming the door shut behind her.

I know there were barely any Rick/Mia scenes in this chapter, but there will be a lot more in the next chapter. I decided to skip the Noah death scene because I didn't think I could do it justice. The next chapter should be up in a week.

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Sorry for any mistakes. Reviews, follows, and favorites are always encouraged and appreciated. They help the creative process. Thank you for reading!