Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Special thanks to ellinise, my one and only reviewer. Lovely person.
Frances was sitting in the corner, flipping through her books. There's some spells left to research, which isn't in her books. Deciding to check the library tomorrow, she tidied up her materials and prepared to go to sleep.
Her eyes suddenly caught sight of the little black book.
Curious, she picked it up from the rest and studied the cover carefully. There was only large letters in gold written "NOTEBOOK". Frances wondered why she had picked it up in the first place.
Opening it, the book was empty. There's just blank pieces of parchment marked with dates. Seeing no harm, Frances decided to keep it for a while. Anyway, there's no spine label on the book, so it mustn't be a library book. Taking a quill, she began writing.
November 17
Dear Diary,
Uh, I don't think I want to call this book a diary. I mean, it's not like I could eat or drink them. Don't get me wrong, I love milks. It's just wrong to call a book a diary, because it have no relation whatsoever to a milk product. I would call this book, NOTEBOOK, as the title suggest. There's no arguing with this decision.
Case closed.
Let's start from the beginning shall we?
Dear notebook,
I know I'm mad. I've realize it ever since last month. But there's no reason to remind me every other day. If I wanted to be mad, let it be. But some people are plain nosy and wanted to change everything. Normal is boring. It's not like I wanted to be a lunatic. It's just I don't fancy being as normal as those people. If they wanted me to be like them, screw them.
Well, seeing me as a lunatic, I'm going to describe myself to a book now.
(There's not much point. The only one who'll read this is my future self anyway. So, GO AWAY at once foreigners ! [except future me]. No one is allowed to read this book. I've put a charm so you'll be driven into shame and nudity the second you open this book! HAHAHA)
Another proof of my mental stability.
Alright. I have brown hair, the color of mud actually, really suited me as everyone called me Mudblood (I doesn't even know what it means). It fell down my back, and although I love to say it fell gracefully like chocolate waterfall, it doesn't. It just look like a puddle of mud after a rainfall. I usually tied it into a half-pony.
I have pale skin. My roommates back home like to point it out, since it made me look Germanic. Somehow, I always hated it when they pointed out my "Germanic" looks, but seeing my mental stability, I guess it's just me.
The thing that bothers me the most is those scars. They're faint and barely shown on my pale skin, but at an angle, they did show. It's long gashes and burn marks. Does it have anything to do with my phobia with explosion?
Well, that's trivial, just like what I'm currently talking about. I have cobalt blue eyes. It's the most beautiful thing of all of me. It's the darker shade of blue. I don't know what to call them, as some people said they're cobalt/royal/navy/ blue. I don't even know the differences! But, if you want to know, I like to call them cobalt. It have a very strange roll-like feeling on my tongue. It sounds more sophisticated anyway.
That' about my eyes. Well, I'm pretty short for my age. I'm also skinny due to the lack of food at home. I wish I could be a little more cuter rather than being a lanky wimp. It's not like I care much about my looks, but being shorter mades people tend to trampled on my dignity, which isn't saying much because I have very little of them.
Oh well. I don't know if you have changed much, future self. I might sound like an egotistical, self-centered, narcisstic, idiotic, selfish bitch by writing this. I mean, I sound like a sissy just writing about my looks on this notebook. I'm supposed to write important stuff on notebooks, regarding lessons or classes. Yet, I wrote a complete junk in here. Ah well, I'm going to rip this out anyway, in the next... 10 hours.
Nice to meet you, future self.
Anonymous (still fearing someone might read this thing)
P.S. I hope you have gotten saner in the future.
Frances's POV:
I stood in the middle of Hogwarts ground, shivering. Damn, what did they wanted anyway inviting me to a place like this in the middle of a December? The weather had been cruel as of late, and losing my sweater sometime years before I doesn't tolerate cold.
'Hello?' I asked to the clumps of beech trees, where the note had asked me to gather. I thought Lily sends them, but I know she won't made me wait this long.
I sighed and decided to leave to the warmth of the common room. This is absolutely ridiculous. First, a note was found on my bed-post, asking me to gather at the clumps of beech by the Black Lake. Second, Lily are nowhere to be seen. Third, I was forced to wait forever for an unknown being in the beginning of December.
Suddenly, a dark figure appeared before my eyes. He held a bloody knife and a wand on his other hand. I could make out that he's smirking while devouring my figure hungrily. Suddenly, he lunged at me. I screamed and ran as fast as I could, just to get away from that being.
Without knowing, I had run straight toward the icy cold water. No, I don't fall exactly down. I could feel the slippery ice beneath me gave way as I step into the ice. I screamed even more, but was muffled as the icy water entered my lungs.
Had I told you I can't swim?
The pain in my lungs increased as I struggled to reach the surface. I don't want to die yet! Not like this, drowning, running away, screaming. I don't want to die like a cry baby running away. I want to die like a Gryffindor, fighting in some war or another, saving others lives, not mine.
Guess a dream only a dream. Black dots began to appear on the edge of my vision. I began to feel tired and breathless (well, I'm under water anyway). The sleepiness took hold of me and I let my eyes closed to sunk into a blissful sleep.
'She's awake!'
'Good. If she doesn't, you all are so dead!'
'Thank Lord! Thank you, my Almighty Lord! You saved her!'
I opened my eyes carefully. The light blinded me, but after a few moments, I get used to it. I scanned the room to see Lily sobbing on my right, Remus looking angry and furious, James and Peter looking guilty, and Sirius looking... blank.
'Hi,' I greeted them softly. 'How are you?'
Lily quickly look up and hug my neck. I wince in pain.
'Oh Frances! We thought we're going to loose you! You've been asleep for the past three days! How are you? Are fine? Sick? Sore? Hurt?'
'Lily... can't... breathe,' Frances choked up. Lily quickly released her.
'What... what happened?' I asked. I knew it must've something to do with them boys, as Lily was currently glaring at them.
'They tried to drown you,' she said simply.
'Did not!' Sirius answered back.
'Did to!'
'Did not!'
Did to!'
'Did not!'
'Did to!'
'Did not!'
Did to!'
'Did not!'
'Stop it! You're acting immature!' I shouted. Both looked at me inquiringly. 'Can anyone enlightened me about what's going on?' I asked.
'As I had told you...' Lily said, but James cut her.
'No, Evans. You must hear our part of the story first,' he said sternly, which surprise all of us, especially Lily.
James looked around at us. 'It all started with a note. I... I send her an owl to attach the note to her bed-post. We just plan to scare her a bit with some costumes and actings. Well, the notes asked her to come alone into the cluster of beech trees by the Lake. I never thought she'll run straight to water.'
'You never thought about anything, Potter,' Lily spat bitterly. 'Because of you and your ridiculous prank, Frances's almost lost her life!'
'Fancy talking about me as if I'm not currently listening to you right beside you,' I said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 'Anyway, as long as there's no serious damage, I'm good.'
'Serious damage?' Lily shrieked. 'Your brain are seriously damaged! If not by magic, you could've di- '
'But there's magic,' I said slowly, trying to digest everything slowly. 'And I'm not dead. Maybe a few traumas, but other than that, I'm fine.'
'No you're not!' Lily screamed again. 'Because of those bastards, your legs are paralyzed!'
The room suddenly grew silent. My calmer side suddenly disappear as panic took control of me. What? Paralyzed? Lily sure must be joking or over-reacting. There's no way I'm paralyzed. I'm fine and felt so... like shit.
'What?' I said slowly.
'Paralyzed. It have something to do with the water I suppose. As you struggled to reach the surface, you hit your back on a rock or something like that. It's also the main reason you fainted,' Lily said.
I smirked. There's nothing to be afraid of. Lily is just over-reacting as usual. I could move my feet like I always had.
'Don't worry Frances! We... We'll make it up for you until you've got those feet back!' Remus suddenly said. 'Don't be mad.'
'Mad? Why must I? I could walk around like usual, right? I mean, Lily's over-reacting as usual,' I said cooly.
'What do you mean "as usual"?' Lily snapped, then her eyes filled with tears. 'Oh, Frances. I'm most sorry.'
'Apparently, she's not over-reacting, but you're lacking in reaction,' Sirius said. I glared at him. How dare he speak after what he had done. Wait, what had he just said?
'Uh, what? You're joking, right?' I said shakily, putting a smile.
'No, Frances!' Lily answered. 'How many times must I tell you? Your feet are paralyzed!'
I took them all in like a bitter pill. It's certainly is a bitter pill. I jumped immediately from my bed, but found that the action 1.) caused great pains all over my body, 2.) made me realize I couldn't move my feet.
Pathetically, I tried to sit up. After a moment struggle, I manage to catch my breath. My mind suddenly went blank as fury fill me. I felt the cold leave me as a new fire set alight my calm side. I felt as if I could rip them to pieces and set them on fire with my new fire. I'm so angry I swear I could trample them with my paralyzed feet.
'You bastard! You... You worthless humans! What had you done? Of all the thing I have you decided to take my feet away! Hadn't you done enough? After all the pranks and suffering I've endured, you decided to take things away too, you... Slytherins! Blacks! Pure-blood maniacs!'
'Shut up,' Black said as cold as ice. Somehow, his voice sends shivers down my spine. I instantly shut up.
'I'm not sorry that you lose your feet. I hope it's permanent,' Sirius said with the same cold voice. I could only stare at him, speechless as he walked away. I realize the Sorting Hat is right: my tongue brought bad things to me.
The boys left one by one, leaving me alone with Lily. Long awkward silences follows. I cleared my throat to break them.
'Frances,' Lily said immediately. 'As much as I hate to admit, what you said is a little rough. You might considered apologizing to Sirius. He might be a Black, but his presence in Gryffindor proved otherwise.'
After that, she left, and I want nothing more than disappear the face of the earth. I sounded like a brat, an egotistical girl without attitude, who was too prideful and haughty to mind other but herself. I buried my face in my hand. As much as I want to sob, I would sound even more haughty and spoilt, so I resolved to thinking.
Right now, the only choice I could think of was jump from Astronomy Tower. What's the point, when you can't walk and everybody hates you? No one would misses me anyway. Mrs. Finch would certainly be glad that I'm off her hands. The boys would be glad that a brat like me disappears from the surface of the earth. Lily would be glad another of her social project was solved. Gryffindors girls doesn't even realize I exist. The professors had too many students to remember me anymore.
I swear I could jump. Had I mentioned if you pushed me too far, I could do anything? Well, I had made my shame got the better of me. So here I am, pondering upon the meaning of life and who'll miss me if I die.
'Don't worry, Ms. Richter. Your feet will be fine with correct medications,' Madam Pomfrey said as she tends to an older student with a broken leg a few beds beside me.
Sirius hoped it was permanent. Well, since suicide isn't Gryffindorish, I could as well as hit my leg again to get another permanent paralysis to satisfy him.
December 13
Dearest notebook,
Guess it's just you and me. All my friends ditch me earlier. I'm glad you haven't (but then, you're a notebook). Thank you so much for being a faithful, friend all this time. You doesn't judge me, you won't comment my extremely strange behavior. I wondered if it's because you can't, but I pushed those thoughts away quickly as I wrote this sentence. The only thing I wished more from you is encouraging words.
I guess this will be my last entry. I might consider jumping to the Afterlife after what I had done. I just realize I'm such a spoilt, self-centered person. I'm really, a bad person. No wonder my parents left/died. It's probably because I'm really unworthy of anyone's time.
It's too painful to face tomorrow. I won't took a wheelchair, not ever. But no one will get my assignment to the infirmary, now I'm officially an outcast. Even Alice is nicer, and although clumsy, everyone loves her. Not to mention brave and beautiful. I am the lowest living thing on earth, the most judging and egotistical. No better than a murderer.
Well, I might have one friend left, who's completely in the dark of my selfish attitude. Her name is Sera Leighton, a girl from back home. She's the kindest living being I've ever met, and beautiful too. Not up to Lily's standard, of course. She have platinum-blonde hair that cascade to her back gracefully and green eyes. Not like Lily's emerald, but more like forest green. I heard she was faring well in muggle school too. But since I probably had deceased before summer, I wanted to say good-bye to her here.
Alright, I'm becoming a little bit too serious here. I just felt so bad to find that I'm willing to stoop as low as those other Snakes. I've done one thing they always done to me, which I swore won't do to others: discrimination.
I promise. I won't say another word again. Not if it isn't necessary. I'll become as quiet as a mouse. As calm as a forest. As still as a mountain. I will not speak another useless word.
That's saying something because all I ever said is useless, like me.
I just want to disappear. I can't face anyone ever, again.
Anyone knew a spell to vanish human beings?
Yours faithfully,
Anon
P.S. I think I'll be calling this thing Diary again. I just read a dictionary yesterday and realized milk products are called "Dairy". It explains why Mrs. Finch always call me a stupid retard when she forced me to study English. They said I don't know a word 4 years ago, when I "appeared out of nowhere". Why is that? They said I speak German. I don't remember anything about my past, and certainly, not about me taking German lesson. Anyway, it seems 4 years isn't enough for me to learn English. If Mrs. Finch find out about me mistaking "Dairy" as "Diary", I'm sure she won't stop calling me a retard. But since I;m going to die in the next 24 hours... no, must push that though away.
A/N: Thank you for sticking up with me until now. I wanted to straighten a few things here:
1. Guilt can really drive you out of character. Believe me, I've been through that.
2. The diary in this story have special relations to the story, revealed in later chapters.
3. Frances's paralyzed feet will be brought out again and contributed to the plot line.
4. I'm very sorry that I change the summary and title again. I promised I won't change the title, but about the summary, I'll try hard and keep the story related to said summary.
As you can see, I'm trying my best not to mention anything useless in this story. I hope you could stick with me long enough to reveal Frances's past, her mission and how little moments made out a lifetime.
Here's a teaser:
'Yes, Ms. Richter. Apparently, you've been accused of studying... er, witchcraft and poison. There's great possibility you put poison on her drink,' the Head Judge said.
'What! There's no way I could commit a murder!' Frances shouted. Damn, what's inside a muggle head? Brain, or paste?
