Chapter Four

TRIS's POV:

I was a being of light, life, emotion and thought.

Now I am a being of pain and darkness.

I saw all, knew all. I was aware.

Now I see nothing, know only pain, am aware only of darkness.

Who am I? What am I?

My world is darkness. My existence is pain. They seem to me somehow so related, I sometimes can't tell them apart. There is a heaviness to it all, a weight that overwhelms me and keeps me down.

I remember vaguely a time that was different than this. I remember light and movement and energy. I remember such a thing as emotions. I remember good. (What is good?) And somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, perhaps of my soul, there is another memory. The shadow of a memory, faint as a breeze. But every time I grow closer to it, it escapes me. I return to my world of darkness and pain.

There is no time.

Somehow, though, I notice a change. It comes so slowly, so gradually, so gruelingly and painfully, that I don't even notice it at first. But then I see. The darkness is… not receding, no. Becoming lighter. As if to say that the sky just before dawn is lighter than the midnight sky. I start noticing something… a movement. And soon I realize I am in an ocean of darkness. I am surrounded by waves that push me ever so slowly back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. This movement tickles that memory deep within me. I have been in an ocean before. But it wasn't black, it was blue, blue like… Like what? I lose myself in my ocean of pain.

And so it goes on and on. I notice the changes, achieved through pain and suffering. Every change reminds of some forgotten time I can almost remember. The ocean grows gradually lighter. The waves grow stronger.

I have no notion of time. All I have is the movement of the ocean and the lightening shades of black. And the memory.

I remember a woman with no body.

Do I have a body? I must have a body because it hurts so much.

I remember a deep, dark blue, diving in it. It was like this ocean I am in now, only it wasn't an ocean of pain and suffering, I was happy there.

I remember happiness. At first the word seems foreign and strange. But then I remember. I remember laughter, I remember delight, I remember surprise, I remember pleasure. I remember love. Burning hot and intense. Happiness and love. These memories become beacons of light in my dark ocean. Like a distant lighthouse whispering tales of home.

Home. I hungrily add this to my list of memories.

What is home? Where is home?

More memories come. At first slowly, painfully, but then more and more, faster and faster. My waves are no longer slow, they too grow ever faster, tossing me and turning me. The black gives way to a blue so dark at first I don't know it's blue.

I remember seeing the entire world. I remember seeing everything. I remember feeling everything. I remember feeling that we are all one.

Who are we?

I don't know and I don't care. I just remember.

I remember everything there is to remember. I remember the world is broken. I remember I knew, once, that we can make it whole again. I remember a sad smile. I remember someone letting me go back to this place. (Why would I want to come back to this place?) I remember two worlds that are in truth but one.

My ocean rages now. The waves heave me and crash on me and instead of being more afraid, I grow ever calmer. My world is blue now. It is a deep dark blue, just like… Just like… Like a color so familiar to me it must be my own. Like the color of… home. (Home!)

It is the color of his eyes. His eyes.

Whose eyes?

Tobias.