A/N: This chapter puts episodes 223 and 224 together.
(Opening Crawl)
Yami: We're finally finished? You're just f**king around with me, right?
"Yugi, if you don't hurry up and make your move now, I'm going to lose this massive boner of mine. And if it is indeed lost, then you'll all suffer the wrath of my limitless ego. Then you'll be sorry…" Kaiba warned.
"Can't he use some sort of card combination to destroy those Egyptian gods, Seto?" Mokuba asked.
"If Yugi was not a dumbass in the first place, then yes, Mokuba. But since he's so persistent on making things so unnecessarily complicated for himself, he's the kind of person who'd completely reject the simple idea of putting one copy of 'United We Stand' and 'Mage Power' in his deck like any other sane person," Kaiba explained.
"Are you *EFF!*ing messing around with our brains, pharaoh?" Marik questioned Yami. "Obelisk has only 500 measly attack points, and Slifer has only 2000! You're quite possibly the worst duelist I've ever seen!"
"Shut up, Marik!" Yami grunted.
(Opening title sequence)
Kawaita~~ sekebi ga~~
Todoke~ Fly at higher ga~~~~me~~
"Now, I bring back Valkyrion from the graveyard with this card that I can't be bothered identifying!" Yugi shouted. "Now Slifer's second-mouth ability activates, destroying Obelisk due to the effects of my trap card!"
"Son of a!" Yami growled. "He's gone! Just like that! Some 'god' he is!"
"Well, what did you expect? He had a measly 500 attack points, pharaoh! Hell, he was like a bigger version of Kuriboh!" Yugi mocked. "Now, I separate my Valkyrion into its three midget components, forcing Slifer to attack all of them! And I guess you know what that means, don't you, pharaoh?"
"…I don't care…" Yami pouted.
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" Bakura asked.
"Urrrgh!" Yami concealed himself from the massive gust produced by the destruction of Slifer and Mega Ultra Chicken.
"What a digital dummy!" Mokuba gasped.
"Kaiba to talking collar. I'll be needing a new pair of pants soon," Kaiba said.
"Ja, mein Führer. Ze pants will be arriving to you in ze next business day. Vich means zat seeing as today ist a Friday, it vill reach you in three days," Gruber the security agent responded through the telecom device.
"…Can't you just send them to me immediately?"
"Nein, mein Führer! It ist impossible! Heil Kaiba!" Gruber said again, then the line was terminated.
"Hrrngh…" Kaiba growled.
"He did it, he did it, he's better than the pharaoh!" Bakura and Grandpa sang together…spinning around while holding hands.
"You were saying about being 'just British', Bakura?" Tea remarked.
"That's amazing…perhaps he is the King of Games, after all!" Kaiba conceded reluctantly.
"What are you saying, bro?" Mokuba looked up at him.
"It takes a hell of a duelist to defeat all three Egyptian god cards in the same turn. I rest my case."
"Huh?" Yugi looked at him confusedly.
"Nyeeeh! Did I hear that right?" Joey jerked his head back.
"I just sh*t my pants!" Tristan lurched over with his hands spread out.
"I said screw the rules, I have money!" Kaiba quickly retorted.
"Oops, false alarm," Joey sighed.
"Now, I summon Beat of Gilfer in defense mode, play a face-down card, and end my turn," Yami said.
"Yami's lost it! He's just played a monster that's bound to be destroyed by the Buster Blader, which Yugi has summoned off-screen!" Joey claimed.
"Wheeler, are you either blind, or can't you see that Yami's played a face-down card which is obviously a trap, and that the Beast of Gilfer is clearly an effect monster?" Kaiba exhaled.
"What a digital dummy!" Mokuba said.
"Shut up, Mokuba!" everyone said in unison.
(Caption: 'Obvious time skip')
"Now, I summon…Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight!" Yami played the only card left in his hand.
"Holy cow! How did you know it was coming to this?" Yugi asked him.
"Yugi, remember how you went back into that playroom of yours inside the Millennium Puzzle while I was constructing my deck? Well…I sort of used the Millennium Necklace for fun while you were away. So suck on that!" Yami smiled.
"Holy craaap!" Yugi grunted as his Buster Blader was destroyed by Gaia. "Oh, well. I activate Soul Rope, which allows me to summon one monster from my graveyard! And I choose Witch of the Black Forest!"
"Despite the fact that we probably encountered this monster in a previous episode, and that it is one of the most spammed cards in non-regulated matches, I have absolutely no idea why you just summoned that!" Yami said.
"Burn the witch!" Tristan held up his fist.
"The hell he play that card for?" Joey agreed.
"I'd hit that," Duke murmured.
"Now I sacrifice my bit-I mean, my witch, to summon Summoned Skull!" Yugi shouted.
"Yugi, making unnecessarily over-dramatic hand gestures with your hand while drawing cards is one thing. If you start making stupid alliterations like that one just now, you're going down, you got that?" Yami said. "Now I'm going to play a card in defense mode that I didn't even look at! That's just how awesome I am!"
Right then, a huge burst of energy emanated from in front of Yami, and out came…
…Big Shield Gardna…And to think that we were expecting a badass monster with high defense points, right?
"Holy **** on a **** sandwich! How did he do that?" Tristan gasped.
"He predicted what card it was going to be. How *EFF!*ing obvious could it possibly be?" Marik informed him.
"Nyeeeh, doesn't that qualify as cheating?" Joey asked.
"Not quite. You see, the card he drew was the Big Shield Gardna, simply because he willed it so," Ishizu explained.
"…That doesn't really rebut my statement…" Joey told her.
"Very well. I shall fully explain your query in detail," Ishizu said. "Because shut up."
"I summon Curse of Dragon! Next, I'll attack Big Shield Gardna with Summoned Skull!" Yugi declared his attack.
"Don't do it, baby panda! Summoned Skull is too weak to destroy that monster!" Tristan begged.
"Tristan, this is why you'll never become a good duelist. You have the attention span and memory capability of a goldfish," Joey rebuked him.
"Go, Curse of Dragon! Destroy Big Shield Gardna!" Yugi continued his turn, and soon the opposing monster was destroyed.
"I can't watch anymore!" Tea whimpered, turning around.
"What's coming down with you, Tea? …besides your pants," Joey asked her as the lines of her ass were left clearly visible, even after the episode had undergone the cruel manipulation of 4Kids.
"If the pharaoh loses…then my child is going to grow up as an orphan!" Tea's eyes began to water. "I'm not ready to say goodbye to my future husband yet!"
"I know what'll fix this," Joey smiled, then said a single word to her. "Friendship."
"Oh, now I'm all better! Thanks, Joey!" Tea smiled back and turned her attention back to the duel.
'God, the animators made me look like a total idiot in this shot. I mean, couldn't they have drawn my teeth and jaw a little bit better? Oh well, here goes…' Yami thought to himself, then played his next card. "I activate Dark Magic Curtain to bring forth my Dark Magician!"
"My king, I have traveled 5000 years through time and space to serve you in this duel," the Dark Magician said to Yami. "Oh, and by the way, a very special guest will be making an appearance to tie up all the loose plotlines at the end."
"Okay…not sure who you're talking about, there. Anything else?" Yami asked him.
"There is one other thing. Mana says she's bored…and then winked at me right after she said it. I have no idea what it means, but I thought you should know," the monster replied.
"Oh, great…" Yami sighed. "That girl and her sex drive…"
"…" Ishizu suddenly started trembling.
"What's wrong, Ishizu?" Marik asked.
"I don't know…just my hormones, I guess," Ishizu answered, then thought inwardly to herself. 'Dark Magician…your arrival right now has caused great unrest within me, despite the fact that it didn't even do so in Season 3. For what reason, I don't know. I just know that it's the writing staff's fault for making up the plot as they were going along, instead of deciding everything in the early development stages, like normal human beings would have done.'
"Man! Yugi's up against his most powerful monster! We should have bought tickets for-"
"Shut up, Mokuba," everyone cut him off once again.
'I am so nervous because of that one move, that I'm literally sweating! God, am I unfit!' Yugi thought.
"I activate Thousand Knives, destroying your face-down card!" Yami said. The evil Marshmallon with razor-sharp teeth was promptly destroyed.
"Dammit, that card's made me hungry!" Tristan moaned.
"I play my Lego-Man in defense mode, to protect my life points!" Yugi yelled as he played a cheap Lego-imitation monster.
"First you spammed machine monsters like Bandit Keith, then you played a Naruto midget, and now you're playing even more monsters which are reminiscent of children's play-things. What's next, Yugi? A gay clown of your very own?" Yami asked, before making his attack. "Go, Dark Magician! Attack his monster with your pointy lance thing!"
"I activate…this!" Yugi cried out. "I have no idea what it is, but it looks like some guy's throwing up. It lets me negate your attack, at the cost of half my life points!"
"…You do realize that you couldn't just put in another card like Magic Cylinder, Sakuretsu Armor, or Widespread Ruin in your deck, right? God, what is with the characters on this show and sheer, utter stupidity?" Yami commented.
"What a relieving outcome!" Tristan remarked as Joey sighed. "And by 'relieved', I mean that in both ways!"
"Hey, get your face out of the way, Joey. You're blocking the camera's view of my sexiness," Duke said to the furry who was right in front of him.
"I play this magic box card! I place one card inside it, and if you happen to activate or use the same card in this duel, its effect is negated!" Yugi announced.
"Holy crap! The eye is staring right at me!" Tea drew back in fear as the Eye of Sauron looked squarely at her.
"I summon Granadora the Badass Dragon!" Yugi called forth his monster. "Destroy Dark Magician with your epileptic laser beams!"
Caption: 'Ancient Egyptian laser beams ftw'
"You just got served, bitch!" Yami mocked his opponent as he activated his trap card. "Dark Illusion! It lets me negate all of your monster effects for this turn…and destroys your dragon, as well. Now, I summon Dark Magician Girl to the field!"
"Hi there, hubby!" the 'DMILF' smiled extremely suggestively to Yami.
"Mana, there's a time and place for everything. That's just one way of saying, 'pay attention to the f**king duel at hand'!" Yami grunted. "Dark Magician, wipe out his life points, so that I no longer have to give up wearing my leather outfit!"
"Hoaaaaagh!" the Dark Magician started to swoop down at Yugi's monster like a ninja, while making a bellowing cry…again, like a ninja.
'Apparently, if I spend ten seconds thinking to myself when my monster is about to be destroyed in less than two, yet play a trap card when by all logic it should be too late, then I'm going to be fine! Thank God for all the over-dramatized attacks in this series!' Yugi thought, then activated his quick-play magic card. "I activate my spell card…Spell Textbook! And due to the power of the writing staff, it now lets me play this! Card of Sanctity! We draw five cards, and this will increase my Naruto mini-man's attack points to 3500, suddenly turning him into a damn sexy beast!"
"Hummanahummanahummana," Tea moaned.
"Your Dark Magician was about to attack, right? So you're going to lose this duel!" Yugi smiled.
"Not quite. I activate this little spell card of mine, which allows me to combine my magicians' attack, so that I don't lose this duel in disgraceful fashion!" Yami said.
"That's still not enough, pharaoh!" Yugi dismissed his strategy, as both magicians were promptly destroyed.
"You just destroyed the sexiest monster and greatest source of eye candy in the entire game without even a second thought! And I thought Pegasus had issues…" Kaiba complained at Yugi for destroying the Dark Magician Girl.
"You dragged this duel this far, Yugi, and for that, I am eternally grateful," Yami began to speak. "LOL jokes, it hate your guts, you small, pitiful little man. I activate Monster Reborn, to bring back…Slifer, the Executive Producer!"
"Nyehhh! Yugi's a goner now!" Joey winced.
"Slifer, stop rubbing your slimy tail all over my ass – it's really disturbing!" Yami pouted. "And stop breathing on me – it stinks like hell!"
Just then, the golden box with the Eye of Sauron began to glow uncontrollably, causing Yami to lurch forward to get a closer look. "What's this?"
"The card I hid inside the box was Monster Reborn! Now its effect is negated, sending Slifer back to the graveyard!"
"How did Yugi know what card to put in that box of his?" Joey asked.
"He must be a witch!" Tristan concluded.
"Yugi! Talk to me! What's wrong?" Tea cried out to him as he started to shake uncontrollably.
"Yugi! Don't tell me you've inherited my weak bladder! There's only one bedpan, and I don't plan on relinquishing ownership of it!" Grandpa shouted.
"Well, Yugi, seeing as it's still my move and I have four cards in my hand, I guess I'll-"
"Naruto giant, attack!" Yugi suddenly cut Yami off.
"What the f**k?" Yami's eyes shot up as a huge energy ball came directly towards him. After the attack made contact, Yami's life points dropped to zero. Attacking a guy with a monster that has 3500 attack points, while he only has 200 life points left…Going overboard a bit, much?
"I can't believe I just did that! Super Ordinary Bakura!" Yugi groaned as he fell to his knees and began to cry.
"Hey, that's going over the line a bit!" Bakura complained.
"Shut the hell up, limey-man!" Tristan barked.
"It's alright, Yugi. Don't cry," Yami crouched down and comforted him.
"I was so focused on the duel, that I forgot what it meant if I won! You'd think I'd be able to keep that sort of thing in mind after hitting puberty!" Yugi sobbed.
"Don't worry, Yugi. Don't you remember what I told you all those months and episodes ago?" Yami asked, as Yugi looked up at him. "You'll always have card games."
"You're…you're right, pharaoh! Card games are the source of all the world's happiness! I forgot about that!" Yugi beamed.
"I can't believe that you've neglected the most important quality of all, pharaoh! Friendship!" Tea butted in.
"Y'know, Tea, that's not that important, when compared to card games. Just make sure to keep the motorcycles out of it, and you'll all be just fine," Yami said to her. "Except for Tristan. Make sure he never plays Duel Monsters, otherwise the world will be in greater danger than ever before. Oh, and Dungeon Dice Monsters, as well."
"Oh, you guys are all idiots!" Duke complained.
"I see you…" the freaky golden eye suddenly glowed crazily, making all of Yugi's friends gasp. Only Kaiba, Odion and Ishizu looked at the eye in stone-cold indifference.
"Long story short, eye shines brightly, pharaoh steps in front of it, eye turns into a magical door to another lifetime, pharaoh walks through portal, and portal closes after him," Ishizu said to them.
"…I don't get it!" Tristan shouted.
"Say your name, pharaoh, and the portal will open for you. And please, do make it soon – my exposed shoulder is getting quite cold, indeed," Ishizu went on.
"…want me to warm it up for you, baby? I don't even need hands for this one…" Duke grinned.
"My name is…Abem!" Yami said solemnly to the door, which didn't budge. "Oh, wait, let me try that again…My name is…Ahem! Dammit, this name is a tongue-twister! Okay, umm…"
(One hour later…)
"What is with the doors in this f**king series?" Yami growled. "Seriously, if you put all the doors that had ever caused us problems together, they'd be an even greater foe and adversary than all of the evil masterminds we've faced, combined!"
"Pharaoh, repeat after me," Yugi said to him, then spoke the words that Yami needed to say. "My name is Atem!"
"Okay, umm…My name is Ackem! S**t…My name is…Atem!" Yami blurted in anger, and the doors finally opened. "Finally! Geez!"
"Look! A portal to another dimension!" Tristan gasped. "…I wonder if there's food in there?"
"Tristan, it's the afterlife. There is no food," Joey told him.
"Pharaoh! Don't go! Not without going shopping with me for baby products!" Tea cried out after him as he decided to simply walk through the doors without saying any last words to them, like the inconsiderate and selfish bastard that he is.
"The light hurts my eyes, Joey! Do something," Tristan wailed.
"I can't believe you're really just going away, without naming our child, pharaoh! And I thought you would be the most kickass husband that ever existed!" Tea sobbed.
"Seriously, guys, stop that f**king light! I'm going to go blind, just like the girl I want to bang!" Tristan groaned again.
"Yami! Yami!" Tea sobbed uncontrollably at him. "Yami, please don't go! Oh, Yami…Where shall I go? Who will I-umm…I mean, what shall I do?"
Yami turned to face her and smiled like an asshole. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Because I'm going into the afterlife, where all of my needs – physical and spiritual; especially physical – will be satisfied around the clock by the Dark Magician Girl! Erm, I mean Mana. Same thing, really. That girl's hormones are simply uncontrollable – even more so than yours!"
Yami then spun around and started to walk into the shining light while cockily giving everyone else a thumbs-up, when all of a sudden…
"Wait, Atem. You must not walk into that seizure-inducing light. At least not without…knowledge of the future," a metallic voice that was all-too-familiar to Kaiba suddenly emanated and echoed throughout the whole chamber.
"Oh, great…you…" Kaiba grumbled.
"Oh, come on, Kaiba. Can't you at least greet an old friend warmly?" the robot nudged him with one of his robotic arms.
"…"
"Just who are you? What are you doing here, anyway?" Yami asked.
"I am the cybernetic ghost of Christmas Past from the future! I am here to answer all of your questions regarding the future, since some ignorant woman decided to give up her Millennium Necklace!" the robot said.
"It is part of the ritual, you…robot…being," Ishizu defended her actions. "It is the only way the pharaoh can achieve his final rest."
"Yeah, but…I mean, giving up an item that allows you to see the future? You threw away something like that? Think of all the fun you'll miss out on!" the robot mumbled.
"Oh, she can have fun with me, any day," Duke pointed out.
"Look, can we just get on with this bulls**t already, or not?" Kaiba said in exasperation.
"Fine!" the robot gave a frustrated response, and the dramatic music of 'destiny' began playing in the background. "In a few years' time, when the Teletubbies' race will become totally extinct due to the phasing out of analog TV all across the globe, you will finally be united with your sizzling hot dragon girlfriend in a dark alleyway…by destiny. You will save her from a renegade group of Steves who have decided to vent their frustration by smashing up shop windows and stealing valuables, when by chance, they set upon her within the said alleyway."
"Huh…" Kaiba exhaled in surprise. "Are we going to have…you know…?"
"Yes and no, Kaiba. You will indeed engage in what most people, except for a certain idiot who is inside this room, will be able to identify as 'sex'. But remember – you have no reproductive capabilities whatsoever! Wink, wink!" the robot explained.
"Oh, f**k it," Kaiba grunted.
"Nyeeh, what about me?" Joey asked.
The robot looked around. "For the love of Christian Bale's movie career, do I really have to go through with every single one of you?"
"Well, yeah," Joey said.
"Fine! A few years after that, when the annual birth rate of Japan will plummet in coincidence with the release of the very first perfected female android, you will become betrothed to the one you affectionately refer to as 'Mai Breastintine', 'Boobylicious', and the like. You will become fixated upon her two levitating loads for years to come, occasionally requiring hospitalization from suffocation," the robot spoke, then murmuring a side note. "But really, your relationship is quite creepy. I mean, on the official Yu-Gi-Oh wikia page, your age is listed as 16, and hers as 24. She must be a Class-A paedophile to see anything in you."
"Nyeh. It's worth it," Joey concluded.
"What about me?" Tristan asked.
"You and your beloved Serenity will be in a relationship-"
"Booya! Score!" Tristan leapt happily.
"And then you will separate."
"Oh…" Tristan sighed.
"And then get together again-"
"Double score!" his face beamed up.
"And then separate again-"
"Aww…"
"Will you just let me finish, for Ra's sake?" the robot raged.
"Oh. Sorry."
"During the intervals where the two of you are separated, Serenity will become temporarily betrothed to Duke Devlin, and then reunited with you again. It is the only way for her to maintain her physical and spiritual needs."
"Duke Devlin will always be up for it, baby," Duke said.
"Oh, god dammit, Nappa! Why Duke? What about me? It isn't fair! And what do you mean by 'physical' means?" Tristan wailed.
"Man, am I glad you stopped me from letting Tristan know about sex, Tea," Joey sighed.
"…Did I ever mention that polygamy will be legalised in the upcoming years, should a certain political party led by an awkward woman who cannot locate America on the world map come to power?" the robot noted.
"Score! Tristan's still the boom king!" Tristan pumped his fist in the air.
"To make things even worse – or better, depending on how you see it – you will be…a father," the robot said dramatically.
"Oh my God! This is quite possibly the best day of my life!" Tristan held his face in awe.
"A surrogate father."
"Huh?" Tristan said, feeling awkward. He then came to a fateful realization, as he first thought of Serenity, and then Duke. "Noooooooooooooo!"
"Just as a side note, you're going to have one of his children as well. I just thought I should notify you beforehand," the robot said to Ishizu, who simply stared at him in indifference.
"What about me, mister robot-man?" Marik questioned.
"The answer to all your life questions lies within a white-haired boy who is standing to the far left of the room," the robot said very quickly.
Marik instinctively looked to his left, to see none other than Bakura. "Oh, great. Well, at least that's out of the closet now," he rolled his eyes.
"Umm, what about me and my Yugimuffin?" Tea asked the robot.
"Ah, yes. I suppose you're wondering about your child, am I correct?" the robot tweaked his hand towards them.
Tea nodded. "Yes! Just how will I raise the pharaoh's child, with this baby panda?"
"Oh…alright then, I, erm…" the robot scratched his head. "Are you ready for this? I mean, it's going to be a plot twist that's on par with all the stuff about Kaiba not having a father."
"Let me guess – Ghost Nappa is the father?" Kaiba mockingly had a guess.
"How the f**k did you guess that, Kaiba?" the robot drew back in surprise. "Your powers of foresight aren't as crappy as I had thought!"
"Geez, now I feel so much better about myself," Tea looked down sullenly, then brought her head up to look at the pharaoh one last time before he... "Hey, where the hell has he gone? Why is that door closing? Noo!"
"Nyeh!" Joey held her back as she desperately tried to follow Yami through the portal.
'For some reason, all this light isn't making me go blind! Thank Ra for anime physics and ambiguity!' Yami thought. 'Hey! I've suddenly got a sexy cape and outfit! And-…oh, dammit…' he stopped walking.
"Hi there, honey! You up for some fun and lovin' tonight?" Mana asked Yami while waving ecstatically at him.
"For the love of gummy bears, Mana, don't you have something a tiny bit more modest to wear? You can't be even 15 years of age, and you're dressing up in a way that's on par with Mai Valentine in terms of skankiness!" Yami berated her as the door closed behind him.
"Well, my job here is done. I'll be seeing you in the near future, Kaiba!" the robot bid them farewell.
"Oh, great…I'll be looking forward to it…" Kaiba said sarcastically.
"Attention, duelists! My Hair has accidentally let off a bomb!" Hair Guy's voice suddenly echoed throughout the chamber right after the door closed.
"What the f**k is going on?" Kaiba grunted as a massive earthquake began underneath.
"The Millennium Stone! It's breaking up!" Yugi noted. "No! My chick magnet! How am I going to pick up girls, now?" he wailed after the stone shattered and all the Millennium Items fell into the chasm below.
"Screw your Puzzle! I can no longer force people to break dance, for *EFF!*'s sake!" Marik complained.
"And I'm no longer able to pre-emptively protect myself from gay people!" Bakura added.
"Run for your lives!" Grandpa panicked.
"Quick! To the Mokuba-mobile!" Mokuba suggested.
"…there isn't a Mokuba-mobile…" Kaiba winced.
"Run for it!" Yugi hastily said, and they all started running out of the building.
"Jagshamesh! They were all really Jewish, after all!" Shadi noted as his ghostly figure stood by, watching the gang run for their lives.
(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away)
"Apparently, running at full speed, non-stop for miles isn't even making us gasp for breath!" Joey noted after they somehow managed to escape the collapsing tomb.
"Now that our series has been officially cancelled, this will be the last time I receive direct screen time," Ishizu said. "So all of you, feast your eyes on my collar bones. You bloody love it, don't you, you horny fanboys? Yes, you do."
"I wanna make love to you, all day long, baby," Duke said to her.
"What an unsatisfactory conclusion to an equally unsatisfactory series!" Joey complained with his hands in his pockets. "I bet they're not even going to produce an epilogue episode which explains where all of us go from here!"
"What did you expect, Wheeler? This episode has been as disappointing as any Yu-Gi-Oh movie in existence," Kaiba dully replied.
"Yug! Give us one of your wrap-up speeches, so that this ending isn't a complete and utter failure!" Tristan requested.
"I've got nothing, Tristan. I'm not even in the mood to say 'Super Special Awesome' anymore," Yugi sighed with fatigue.
"I've got one!" Mokuba cheerfully made a suggestion. "It all has to do with-"
"SHUT UP, MOKUBA!" everyone said in unison.
(The End)
(Outtake: Marik's (Evil) Good Council of (Doom) Salvation)
(Somewhere in Egypt…)
Bakura: Marik…you can't be serious…
Marik: What the hell are you whingeing for, kitty?
Bakura: …I thought I told you never to call me that. Anyhow, I really did prefer the former name for this little organization of ours. The new one just sounds…gay…
Marik: Shut the *EFF!* up, Bakura! I just happen to like this new organizational name, which also reflects the change that has occurred within my heart!
Bakura: You DO realize that I'M still on this council, don't you, Marik?
Rex: Ahuhuhuhuh…Y'know, Marik, your sister is a SILF.
Marik: What the *EFF!* is a SILF?
Weevil: Duuuh…Sister-I'd-Like-to-Fu...
Marik: Oh, that's just wrong! Do I need to fry your brain with my Millennium Ro-hey, where did it go?
Bakura: You lost it in that tomb, Marik, you bloody tart…Not to mention that my gaydar is gone, as well.
Marik: Oh, yes…I forgot…Hey, by the way, Bakura, since your gaydar is what links you to your host, how come you're still around? I mean, shouldn't you be banished or something?
Bakura: This council of ours is non-canon from the series, Marik. The events of the main series has no effect within these walls.
Rex: Back to your sister, Marik. Seriously, her boobs are like…step aside, Mai Breastintine.
Bakura: How the bloody hell is that even possible? I found it physically impossible to even eye Yugi's Millennium Puzzle during the Duelist Kingdom tournament, with her standing in the way and all.
Pegasus: True. She's got nothing on my Cecilia, though.
Marik: Pegasus, your wife is dead, buried and probably rotting. She hasn't got anything left.
Pegasus: Oh…now you've hurt my feelings. Now I must go and watch the Spice Girls movie again. It soothes my body and soul of all pains.
Bakura: Believe it all you want Pegasus, but I know that the greatest movie of all time for psychological comfort will always be Cannibal Holocaust. Because of all the blood.
Bonz: Brains! ("I agree!")
Zygor: Deeeeh, what are you doing back here, Bonz?
Marik: Oh, yes…I recalled him into our council, seeing as how I have recently had a change of heart. Change of heart…get it?
Bakura: Yes, yes…very amusing, Marik.
Marik: You guys get it, right? Change of heart? It was Bakura's card!
Bakura: Shut up, Marik.
Marik: No! It is you who should embrace the values of silence! It is now time to discuss our next plan of action. Our next objective is to see to the downfall of the greatest evil organization since 4Kids animation!
Rex: You mean those Rare Hunters guys?
Marik: Geez, you're a slow one in terms of following along with the times, aren't you? And no, that is not the answer. Any other guesses?
Pegasus: The Church of Scientology?
Marik: No.
Zorc: The ones who cancelled 'The Suite Life of Zorc & Cody'?
Bakura: You mean our show, Zorc. Zorc & Pals.
Zorc: Oopsadaisy…sorry, darling.
Marik: No!
Zigor: You? You're a monster! You killed Sid. You bastard! I'll never forgive you!
Marik: Do I look like a *EFF!*ing organization to you, you fool? And if you're so angry with me, then why are you still sticking the *EFF!* around?
Rex: Ahuhuhuhuhhh…isn't it obvious?
Weevil: Yeah, hihih. He wants the chicks, like we do.
Zigor: Dehhhh…I actually have no place to go. So I'm sticking around here, with you guys.
Marik: Whatever, knucklehead, suit yourself. Next guess?
Steve Lumis: The moon?
Steve Umbris: Like a baus!
Marik: No…
Evil Teddy Bear: Me?
Marik: For the last Ra-damned time, an individual person is not an organization! Geez, what is with you people and your inability to differentiate between an organization and a single individual? And no, you're just a frigging teddy bear, for *EFF!*'s sake.
Evil Teddy Bear: ThE HoUR oF yoUR DEAth iS NigH. YoUr soUl shALl knoW ENDLesS toRMent aT thE hANds Of SAtAN!
Marik: Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it...And now, we come to the final guess. Bakura?
Bakura: Fanfiction removers?
Marik: Precisely! Thank-*EFF!*ing-you! Those fools see the need to stifle and clamp down on aspiring authors' creativity with an iron fist of pure and utter tyranny! It is therefore our job to see that they are put to an end, once and for all!
Bakura: And after all that talk of becoming a 'Good Council of Salvation'…ironic, if you ask me.
Marik: Oh, shut your face, kitty!
Bakura: Hnrghrrrrr…
Marik: Silence! They are an affront to all writers, worldwide! No – to all of humanity!
Zorc: Not really.
Rex: Yeah. You won't believe how many fics there are out there that are written purely in script format. They're just an eyesore, if you ask me.
Weevil: Yeah. Hihihi. And the ones that are just one huge chunk of writing without any punctuation whatsoever are just worse!
Steve L: And those fanfics which irk the greatest of grammar Kaibas by using commas instead of full stops in speech separation.
Steve U: Yeah, man! They're going down!
Marik: Don't you mean grammar Nazis?
Steve L: That's what I said. Grammar Kaibas.
Bakura: Hehehe…you want to know the ironic thing, Marik?
Marik: What is it, kitty?
Bakura: The writer of this very fanfic did just that in his two earliest stories in his 'Chosen One' Pokémon saga…it was enough to irritate a certain already-permanently-disgruntled reviewer in the third story.
Marik: Well, as long as he's willing to go back, edit and fix up all those grammatical mistakes, so that those grammar Nazis are satisfied once again…He is going to do that, right?
Pegasus: I wouldn't know about that, and if you ask for my personal opinion, I'm willing to make a bet that he's too much of a lazy ass to do that! He hasn't even released the second chapter of the fourth book in that series, for what is now just a few days under a month!
Marik: You're quite possibly the biggest pessimist and asshole I've ever seen in my entire life! I'm sure he's very busy with his academic studies, which are probably taking up a good portion of his time.
Bakura: That still isn't much of an excuse to not publish the next chapter in a story for just under a month, you know.
Rex: Since when were you such an 'optimist', Marik?
Marik: Several *EFF!*ing seasons ago!
Evil Teddy Bear: LeT thE dARKnesS cONsumE yOu, bODY anD sOUl! You arE not dESTined fOR gOOdnesS!
Zorc: Let his heart decide, cute teddy bear! He's the only one who can control his own fate!
Bonz: Brains! ("You're a total dickhead!")
Marik: My mind is made up! From now on, I'm going to devote my life to good and charitable deeds! Just you *EFF!*ing wait and see! Let's…*(camera zooms in onto his face)* get down to business?
Bakura: …please tell me you're not going to sing another song…
'Let's get down to business'
(A parody of 'I'll make a man out of you' from Mulan)
MARIK:
Getting down to business,
To defeat…evil!
Did they send me limeys,
When I asked…for men?
I specifically aa~aasked,
For large and bulky men,
How can I~~~
Make a ma~~n
Out of yooo~~u?
Sexy as George Clooney,
With appeal…like hers! *(Mai Valentine on-screen)*
Once we find the evil,
We will touch…it there!
I assume you know the very thing,
Of which I'm talking about,
If you do~~n't,
Then you ca~~n,
Go get screw~~~ed!
(Short cut-away from the music) Bakura: Marik, there's not even a line of rhyme in that song.
Marik: Shut up, kitty, it's my song!
(MARIK)
I'm never gonna catch
My breath
(ZYGOR)
Say goodbye for me to George Clooney!
(EVIL TEDDY BEAR)
Your death shall soon be drawing nigh
(ZORC)
I'm going to destroy the world
(BONZ)
Brains brains brains brains brains, brains brains brains ("What the f**k is going on?")
(MARIK)
Now I really wish that I knew how...to *EEEEFF!*!
(Random choir: Be a man,)
We must be as firm as
Bakura's a~abs,
(Random choir: Be a man,)
With the strength to
withstand all tra~aps (Bakura gets pwned by Mirror Force in the background)
(Random choir: Be a man,)
(JOEY butts in randomly)
With all the strength
Of my Brooklyn Ra~age
(Steve Lumis (can't sing to save his life) )
Mysterious as the
Dork side of the mo~~on!
(Short cut-away from the music) Marik: You can't sing for crap, binky boy!
Steve Lumis: I apologize.
Steve Umbris: Not so harsh, man!
(MARIK)
Time is running o~out,
For we must…attain!
Something very vital,
Or I'll fry…your brain!
(To Bakura) You're an *EFF!*ing big
Wanker and you're
Such a pain up my backside
I think I'll…
Just commit…
Genoci~~de!
(Random choir: Be a man,)
We must get ready for
Some huge-ass monsters,
(Random choir: Be a man,)
(Marik's trying to get up a huge tree trunk just like in Mulan) For some reason
I'm climbing a po~ole
(Random choir: Be a man,)
This is giving me
A king-sized wedgie
Now I know exactly what it
feels like to…be you! (points squarely at Bakura who's grimacing with his arms crossed)
(Random choir: Be a man,)
(JOEY)
Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyenyeh
Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh
(Random choir: Be a man,)
(MARIK)
Get the *EFF!* out of
My spotli~ight!
(Random choir: Be a man,)
We must destroy 4Kids
Once and for a~all
Did any of that make
Any sense…at a~~~ll?
(ALL)
Hyah!
Marik: Well, that was exceptionally good! I especially enjoyed the part where I was climbing that pole! I wonder if that 'Fa Mulan' enjoyed it just as much as I did?
Bakura: Marik, you didn't give me any lines…
Marik: Well, it's not my *EFF!*ing fault now, is it? You can only blame yourself for having such an *EFF!*ing low voice register!
Bakura: Nrrrgh…
Zack(?): Aaw, man! We just missed out on a song, Cody!
Cody(?): Dude, I thought you were supposed to be Cody.
Zack(?): I thought we were already through this in Episode 39?
Marik: Both of you poorly cut-out-and-edited head portraits, shut the *EFF!* up! We are in the middle of concocting a plan that will save the world from the evil forces of…uhh…erm…who were we saving the world from, again?
Bakura: Fanfic removers, Marik.
Marik: Yes! I just remembered now. Now let's see…how will we do that, exactly?
Rex: We could like, totally spam their inboxes, like we did on Yugi's YouTube account!
Weevil: Yeah! And we could trigger their toilets to explode!
Steve L: Yes, indeed. That would be hilarious.
Steve U: Hilariously dirty! Ohhh, yeah!
Zorc: Why don't I just go over to their houses for a stroll? I could maybe persuade them that way!
Zack(?): Yeah! We'll be able to persuade them for sure!
Dan Green: Hello. Did I miss anything while I was away?
Marik: It sure took you long enough! We were wondering just where the *EFF!* you were! No, just kidding – you never even crossed our minds. Hah!
Bakura: Marik! We still haven't even decided on our plan of action! Just what are we going to do?
Marik: Oh, yes. Right. Umm…yeah, I'll just go with Zorc's plan, I guess. And Zorc! Take Dan Green with you!
Zorc: Certainly! We'll be back in a jiffy, won't we?
Dan Green: We most certainly will! We'll be able to persuade those fanfic removers to walk away from their evil ways, without the use of brutal and unnecessary violence!
Zorc: Oh, umm…yes…about that…Well, we'll just have to go and see how things turn out, shouldn't we?
Bakura: On your way now, Zorc.
Zorc: Bye! We'll be back before you can say, "I've finally destroyed the world!"
Pegasus: You really trust him to keep his word? You're even stupider than I thought.
Marik: Shut up, you overdressed prima donna!
(An hour later)
Zorc: I'm baaaack!
Bakura: Zooorc…what is that horrid smell you brought along with you?
Zorc: Oh, that? I, err…hehehe…
Dan Green: It was a total failure! We just ended up destroying half of the known world – including close to everything that isn't in our own universe, like Quahog, Evergreen Terrace and Alderaan!
Marik: Oh, well. At least you tried. Come on – we need to come up with yet another good plan to save the world! And for that, we need every single brain we can muster!
Bonz: Brains! ("Glad to!")
Cody(?): A puzzle! I like the sound of that! …Hey, by the way, Zorc, where's Zack?
Zorc: Not to worry! I've kept him safe underneath the large groove on the bottom of my foot, since he was complaining about fatigue! I carried him all the way!
Cody(?) (looks down at Zorc's foot. Blood is pouring out from underneath): Holy s**t…I think he's dead!
Steve L: What a digital dummy!
Steve U: Yeah, man! Totally!
Marik: …you guys make me lose all hope for humanity…
Bonz: Brains! ("Took you long enough to realize!")
The (REAL) End
A/N: Well, this was a pretty good one to have written to temporarily get away from my Chosen One Pokémon saga. I can get back to working on that now, when I have time.
Please leave your reviews! : )
