So one night we were sailing along fine and dandy, I was up in the crow's nest, as usual, when I sensed something was amiss. And Amiss it was, for with my own eyes I saw my beloved captain talking to a strangely familiar looking man with a starfish stuck to his face. No lie. A legit starfish. Then I noticed that they were talking about me, Jack was saying "your daughter's on board you know." and then I realised why he looked familiar, it was because he was my father. Though he did look a little worse for wear to be sure. But before I had the time to say "Hi Dad" or anything he disappeared leaving the captain looking well put-out. He then proceeded to run about the ship like a lunatic and we ended up stranded on an island where the locals were less than welcoming.

But of course my brother William came to rescue us and by way of his cunning and skill managed to get the whole crew, including his sister, suspended mid-air in a cage made of bones. Perfect. But it was all ok because I had the great idea of swinging the cage back and forth so we could climb up the cliff face. Which we did and it was all very exciting but we managed to escape unscathed. And then! Wonderful news! I found out that Will had left Elizabeth behind in jail! Where she awaited execution! Huzzah, as they say.

So I thought this is fantastic Will had come to join the crew and left Elizabeth at the altar. But, unfortunately, he was only interested in stealing Jack's compass. Which, of course, he failed to do so Jack kicked him off the ship to spend some quality time with our father. We, on the other hand, headed back to Tortuga to round up some people willing to be sacrificed to Davy Jones. Then, while we're there having a good old time who should show up but one of Elizabeth's other fiancés (she collects them) and then Elizabeth herself (to my great agitation), and for the first time ever I was better dressed than her.

So James (the fiancé) points a gun at Captain Jack, my Captain Jack, and this is something that caused my heart to jump straight out of my chest and promptly scurry back in again once it realised that it was certainly not meant to do that. So what did I do? What any girl could do, I tackled him to the ground by slamming my whole body into his. This caused a chain reaction that led to a huge pub fight so the Captain, Gibbs and myself high-tailed it out of there and Elizabeth (because she is an idiot) decided that a rum bottle was a better weapon than her sword (which she no doubt stole along with her ridiculous costume) and hit James over the head with in so she could take advantage of him in the pig pen. At least I think that's what happened; but she might have just tried to steal his clothes too.

Then, things went from bad to worse because Elizabeth and James (who smelt like a wet dog who had been dead for three weeks) decided to join us on the Black Pearl and (under Elizabeth's dubious directions) we headed for an island in the middle of nowhere. Then, somehow, Will found us and he and Elizabeth started to eat each other's faces while James and I dug up the still-beating heart of Davy Jones (did I mention that's what we were looking for?) And then the boys had an attack of testosterone and started trying to kill each other. This wouldn't have been all that bad if it wasn't for the fact that Elizabeth took this as an opportunity to start screaming her head off and falling about on the sand like a child. So, I hit her over the back of the head with my sword (hey, can you blame me?) and stowed her in the dinghy. But while I was busy with this those two weirdoes (you know, the one with the eye and the one with the beard) scarpered off with the chest so I had a hell of a time trying to get it back and had to fight off a bunch of fish people (who, for the record, smelt worse than James).

But anyway we all got away ok and Elizabeth woke up in the boat demanding scones and jam. It wasn't until we were back out to sea that our real troubles began and oh yeah, my heart broke.