A/N: For those who asked for senseis getting picked on, here it is (and more to come, too).
One night, Orochimaru snuck into Konoha to abduct Sasuke! Instead, he accidentally abducted Anko!
And so when he performed his forbidden jutsu on "Sasuke" (it was pitch black when he did it), he found himself in Anko's body!
"HOW DID I END UP IN ANKO'S BODY???!!!" Orochimaru screeched at Kabuto, as if the fault was his.
"It's not the end of the world. You could wait three years to switch to Sasuke," Kabuto reminded him.
"But hey, I gotta admit: you look so much better like this, Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto remarked.
"And what are you trying to say?!" Orochimaru barked.
"Oh, uh, nothing, my lord," Kabuto stammered.
Meanwhile, Asuma was worried about Anko. She was supposed to have meet him in his bedroom for some make-out time—or, to Asuma's wish, something more.
But she never showed up!
Maybe I was too forward, he thought. Maybe I should've—
"ASUMA!" a familiar voice shouted. "Where have you been last night? We were supposed to have gone out for dinner!"
Asuma sighed. "What is it, Kurenai?"
Kurenai walked over to him. "Yesterday was our special anniversary! How could you forget, Asuma?!" she demanded crossly.
Before she could lecture him further, Asuma silenced her by embracing her in a hug. "Now, don't talk like that, Kurenai. You know you're the only one special in my life—"
Kurenai backed away instinctively. "Are you saying you're CHEATING on me?! Is that what it is?!"
"I never said—"
"Yes you are, it's written all over your face! And for this crime, your punishment shall be…"
Please don't let it be—
"You being trapped in my genjutsu!"
That. "Wait, Kurenai, let's just think about—"
"You should have thought about it before you'd decided to cheat on me!"
Asuma tried to run away, but she caught him in it, anyways.
So now, he was bound to Kurenai's special genjutsu tree. "There, now you can't go anywhere so long as I'm still breathing!"
"Oh, c'mon, Kurenai! Don't do this! You know I love you!" Asuma insisted.
Kurenai shook her head. "That won't work on me." She then walked over to Asuma and took the cigarette away from his mouth. "And Asuma, smoking will only kill you faster." With an airy wave, she tossed the cigarette into the nearby river.
"NO! MY CIGARETTE!" Asuma cried out pitifully. He then glared at Kurenai. "I hate you, woman!"
Smiling twistingly, Kurenai replied, "You'll love me later when you don't die from lung cancer."
"But first I'll die from not having my cigarette!" Asuma whined, pouting.
Kurenai ignored him, and then left him.
Watching her go, Asuma glared at her and said to himself, I should've divorced her as soon as I've met Anko. Kurenai's all… evil… and Anko… well, she's got bigger—
As if on cue, Anko suddenly appeared from behind the building.
"Whoa-ho!" Asuma exclaimed, grinning. "So, you read my mind?"
The next thing Asuma knew was Anko holding a kunai up to his neck. "For some reason, this wretched body has some sort of attraction towards you! Now if you don't tell me how to break out of this, I'll kill you! Ya got that, you little maggot?!"
Asuma looked at her skeptically. "What the heck are you taking about? You love me, and I love you! It's always been that way!"
"You fool! Don't you know who I am?"
"My love, my life, the air that I breathe?"
"Wrong!"
"Aren't you Anko? You sure look like her… smell like her, too."
"You baka, I'm the king of the world, the most powerful being ever to walk the earth, Sannin Orochimaru!"
Asuma blinked in surprise at 'Anko' before he burst out laughing—with tears! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I've always loved your sense of humor, any you really have outdone yourself this time."
"Oh yeah? You think your precious Anko can do this?" Orochimaru challenged, revealing his long, snake-like tongue.
Asuma just stared at him. "Wow! I didn't know you had a tongue like that! Why didn't you ever tell me? We could have had even better make-out sessions!"
Orochimaru then slapped him across the face. "Ow! What'd you do that for?! Don't you love me? Y'know, you're starting to act a lot like Kurenai—"
"You imbecile! You really know nothing about me, do you?! Argh! Why do I even waste my…" Orochimaru's voice trailed off. "Wait…what's that you said about this 'Kurenai'?" Oddly enough, Orochimaru felt bothered by the fact that Asuma was mentioning another woman…another woman he could very well be having an affair with…
It was then that Asuma caught himself. Uh-oh! She's on to me! "Oh! She's nobody! Just my sister's mother's nephew's cousin's aunt twice-removed."
Orochimaru just did a double take. "In English, please."
"How 'bout you just get me out of this genjutsu?" Asuma suggested.
Orochimaru glared at him, but then decided to comply. "Fine," he muttered, "But don't think you can give orders to me, you two-timer."
As Kurenai trudged down the streets of Konoha, she couldn't help but reflect on all the negative signals she's been getting from Asuma lately. Staring hard at the dirt floor, she thought: Forgetting about our anniversary? Does he even care about me anymore? What's happened to us?
Kurenai glanced up all of a sudden, and almost bumped into Kakashi, who was too busy reading Make-Out Paradise (as usual). She tried to look behind the book. "Kakashi? Is that you?"
"Oh, hello Kurenai," he greeted her with a smile on his face.
Or, at least, I think that's a smile, Kurenai said to herself, uncertain. His eyes seemed like they're smiling, so his mouth must be smiling too, right?
"So, are you doing anything today?" Kakashi asked Kurenai, in which she replied with a sigh, "No."
Kakashi frowned, and asked, "What's that sigh for?"
…Should I tell him?
Kurenai decided against it. She kept her eyes concentrated on the ground. "Er, it's nothing."
"Avoiding eye contact, hesitating…? Kurenai, I think you're lying," Kakashi observed.
Kurenai sighed, and then glanced up at him with a meek smile. "Maybe we should get something to eat," she suggested.
"Alright," Kakashi agreed.
Little did he know that his three Genin students were spying on him from behind the hedges!
"Is Kakashi-sensei… flirting with Kurenai-sensei?" Sakura began, asking no one in particular.
Naruto nodded. "I wouldn't put it past our sensei to make a move on that married jonin. I mean, he reads Make-Out Paradise for a reason, you know?"
"Naruto, you make it sound disgusting," Sakura commented, making a face, before she added, "I think it's kinda cute. I don't think Kakashi-sensei has ever asked someone out before. At least, not as far as I have seen."
"I think that we should leave Kakashi alone," Sasuke spoke decisively.
Naruto nearly glared at Sasuke. "You take the fun outta everything."
Sakura wanted to side with Sasuke, yet she also thought that keeping in check with her sensei's love life was fun, too.
"I think a little spying here and there won't do any harm," Sakura suggested, and looked towards Sasuke for approval.
Sasuke sighed, yet remained silent, and so Sakura took that as a 'yes'.
So, the three of them followed Kakashi and Kurenai as they ate at the Ichiraku.
"You come here often?" Kurenai asked him all of a sudden, as two bowls of ramen were served before them.
"No, not really," Kakashi replied, "But I remember last time, my students tried to treat me here a while back…and well, that didn't turn out so well…"
Kurenai smiled, breaking her chopsticks and proceeding to eat her ramen. "I couldn't imagine…" She then glanced in Kakashi's direction, who she was surprised to find hadn't touched his food at all. "Hey, uh, aren't you going to eat?"
"One sec," Kakashi said, and then abruptly pointed behind him. "Look! Over there!"
Kurenai instantly turned her head, and the three Genin instantly ducked down.
"Oh, no! He's on to us!" Naruto whispered, his voice filled with panic.
"Nah, I don't think that was it!" Sakura whispered back, "He was just trying to keep us—and even her—from seeing his face! Darn it!"
"Either way, we have to keep a low profile," Sasuke warned.
Naruto and Sakura both nodded before they and Sasuke turned back to watch their sensei.
At the same time, Kurenai did the same, and was surprised that…
"All done."
"…How did you finish so fast?"
"With practice," Kakashi joked with a smile before he added, "Now, I have more time to pay attention to you."
Kurenai blushed at the compliment. Asuma never complimented like this… he was too focused on that other woman to fully appreciate me. But Kakashi… intelligent, sweet, and kinda hot, too. A way more suitable man for me than Asuma ever was.
Meanwhile, the spying trio was enjoying the scene unfold before them.
"Did you see that?" Sakura practically squealed. "She blushed!"
"Ooh, Kakashi-sensei must be turning things up," Naruto said before he hesitantly added, "... Do you think that Kakashi-sensei is ready to move on to the next level?"
BONK!!! There goes Sakura's fist collided with Naruto's head.
"Eww! Don't be a perv Naruto!"
"S-sorry," Naruto feebly apologized, a bit dazed from Sakura's assault on him. As for Sasuke, he shook his head pitifully at his teammate.
It was then that Might Guy rounded the corner, and saw his rival at the Ichiraku…next to Kurenai….seeming to be flirting with her!
The fire of determination sparked in Guy's eyes. Kakashi's flirting with Kurenai?! How's it he gets a girl, and I don't? What's he have that I don't have?! Argh! I can't let him pull ahead like this! There's no way! Gotta set a good example for Lee!
It was then that Might Guy suddenly noticed Yugao (a.k.a. the "ANBU lady") across the street, so he ran up to her, dipped her down, and kissed her!
He then flashed his trademark grin and did a thumbs-up sign in Kakashi's direction. "Take that, Kakashi!"
Yet all he received in reply was silence.
Aargh! That Kakashi! Thinks he so great! Well, I'll show him!
It was then that he "so kindly" received a sharp punch in the face. "What do you think you're doing, you psycho! I already have a boyfriend! Gosh!"
"You mean that sickly one? Well, he's gonna die soon, anyway, with that kind of health, so wouldn't you rather have a healthy, handsome man like moi?"
SLAP!!! "Go drown yourself or I'll do it for you, you creep!" And with that, Yugao stormed off.
But Guy wasn't quite ready to give up just yet. Hmm… she never exactly said "no" now, did she?
So, with a fiery determination to win her heart, he sprinted to the nearest gift shop. I'll show you Kakashi, that I can get a better woman than you—and much faster, too.
And Might-Guy wasn't the only one to see Kakashi flirting with Kurenai.
Asuma and Anko saw it, too.
"Well, well… It looks like your precious Kurenai has already moved on," Orochimaru remarked, grinning slyly. "And it's time for you to move on, too, tough guy."
Asuma could only gape at his wife in horror. "But-but I never thought she'd do this to me…"
Orochimaru scoffed. "And why not? You did it to her all the time."
Asuma shrugged. "Yeah, you've got a point there. Besides, I never really cared about her, anyway."
"But still," Asuma added, "She technically belongs to me, and if there's going to be any divorcing going on, I should be the one to do it."
Plus, just because I cheat on her, doesn't mean she just had to go and cheat on me, right? I mean, I'm the bad one, sure, but she's supposed to be the good one. What happened here? And can't it be possible to have two wives? It happens all the time. I deserve two wives, anyway, with my good looks and all… … …hmm, that's not a bad idea after all…
"I've decided I'm going to marry you," he said to Orochimaru.
"What?! But I'm Orochimaru, remember?"
"In my Anko's body, remember?"
"True, but still, that'd make it—"
"But I'm still going to keep Kurenai as my wife."
It was then that the three Genin decided to make their grand appearance. "You can't do that, you jerk!" Naruto hollered, pointing an accusing finger at Asuma.
"Yeah, you don't deserve her! And in case you haven't noticed, Kurenai's in love with our sensei!" Sakura exclaimed.
"You three are just kids!" Asuma retorted. "You know nothing!"
Ignoring all of them, Orochimaru couldn't help but notice Sasuke. "Hey, you! Give me your body now!"
Sasuke's eyes widened. Okay…this lady is completely freaking me out! "I don't think so."
Sakura then glared at Orochimaru. "No way you're getting Sasuke! So don't even think about it!"
"And I thought you love me!" Asuma whined with a pouting gaze at his beloved.
Naruto looked at Asuma, disgusted. "Who could ever love a hairy looking beast like you? Ya player?"
Abruptly taking out his trench knives, Asuma defensively replied, "That's it, kid, you asked for it."
"Asuma, he's just a kid," Orochimaru said, then groaned. This female body is making me go soft! Darn this body! "Sasuke, you have no choice. Either you give me your body willingly, or I'll take it by force."
Sakura steadfastly stood in front of Sasuke, and fiercely challenged Orochimaru, "Over my dead body."
"Okay then," Orochimaru responded with a wicked grin, "Have it your way…"
"Anko? Asuma? What are you doing, picking on my team?" It was Kakashi, and he wasn't pleased. "A proctor and a jonin should know better than that."
Kurenai, besides Kakashi, scoffed and commented, "Asuma's not really a jonin. He's more like a really old genin."
"Kurenai… you don't really mean that, do you?" Asuma questioned, sincerely hurt.
"Actually, I do," Kurenai harshly stated. "You see Asuma, you never really loved me, because if you did, you wouldn't have cheated on me. And you also would've treated me like I should have been treated, instead of—"
HIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Unexpectedly, an army of snakes appeared from Anko's arms, instantly wrapping themselves around Kurenai!
"Kurenai!" Kakashi cried out, and rushed towards her when Orochimaru stretched out his head and hissed, "STAY OUT OF THIS!!!"
Both Kurenai and Kakashi gaped in shock.
"Orochimaru?" Kurenai gasped.
Kakashi was equally surprised. "But how?"
"I meant to take the Uchiha's body, but somehow took Anko's."
"Ohh," Sakura began with new understanding, "So when you say you wanted to take Sasuke's body, you didn't mean it… err, that way, you mean in—"
"WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?!?!?!" Orochimaru demanded viciously, which made Sakura squeak and hide behind Sasuke.
Meanwhile, as Orochimaru was distracted by Sakura's question, Kakashi had a kunai and began sawing Kurenai out. Unfortunately…
"What are these snakes made of?! The kunai won't cut!" Kakashi frustratingly exclaimed.
"HEY!!!" Orochimaru bellowed, finally noticing Kakashi's failed attempt at rescuing Kurenai. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
"Can you please not yell?" Asuma asked, explaining, "It's hurting my ears."
"Okay," Orochimaru agreed—to everyone's surprise, almost adding the word "honey". UGH!!! This… BODY!!! This… Asuma has too much control over me!
"Sasuke…" Orochimaru seducing began, "I could give you what you crave most… power…"
And in his female body, it was much more convincing that it would have been in his original body. Already, Sasuke was swayed by the female's flirtatious tone of voice. Orochimaru was pleased. Hmm… this body has its advantages… me like…
Sakura noticed this, and shook Sasuke hard. "Nnnooooo! Don't listen to her—him—whoever it is!"
"Don't listen to her, she doesn't know what she's talking about," Orochimaru said, using Anko's voice to his full advantage. Then, he added the final blow: "Besides… it's power that you need… to defeat a certain someone, right? …Someone that killed those… precious, to you?"
That hit a nerve, alright. "Okay, I'll take your offer. But what do I have to do first?"
Sakura was horrified. She couldn't believe this was happening. It was as if her worst fear had just become a reality. "Listen to yourself, Sasuke! This isn't you! Is this was you really want?"
Before Sasuke could reply, Sakura was shoved brashly aside by Orochimaru. "So, what do you say?"
"I OBJECT!!" Asuma bellowed.
Everyone turned to face him.
"You can't have him, my beloved!" Asuma protested, pulling Anko towards him. "I know you don't really love him!"
"Love me?!" Sasuke repeated in horror.
"Love him?!" Anko exclaimed incredulously, pulling Sasuke's towards him. "You fool! I'm Orochimaru! All I want is his body! How many times do I have to tell you?!"
"I won't believe it. You're my Anko, not Orochimaru! Besides, if you were Orochimaru, you wouldn't be this beautiful, would you?"
Half of Orochimaru wanted to shallow Asuma up due to his stupidity. The other half, the Anko half, was flattered at the compliment Asuma had given her.
And to Orochimaru's horror, the Anko half won. Orochimaru blushed, and actually released Kurenai (and Sasuke) in the process!
Immediately, Kurenai took Kakashi's side, and Kakashi stated (more than suggested), "Let's attack together."
"Right," Kurenai agreed, nodding once.
But before they could attack, Kimimaru rushed to the scene. "No, Master! You're making the wrong choice! Use me!"
"You're dying! Why would I transfer my soul to you if—when I do so, the next second—I'll drop dead?!"
Kimimaru was persistent though. "PLEASE!!!! I have the perfect body for you! And you know it!"
Meanwhile…
Sakura: "Who's this dude?"
Naruto: "…What are they taking about?"
Sasuke: "I don't like being ignored. Let's get out of here."
Sasuke then departed from the scene, which began a chain reaction…
"Sasuke!" Sakura hollered from behind of him. "Wait for me!"
Seeing Sakura follow Sasuke, Naruto hollered to Sakura, "Hey! What's going on? Why is everyone leaving?" When he got no answer, he quickly departed as well.
As for Orochimaru and Kimimaru…
"Maybe if you weren't dying!"
"Master—"
"NEVER!!!!!"
Then all of a sudden, a powerful kick knocked the wind out of Kimimaru, and he flew to the North Pole. "Dynamic Entry!"
It was Might Guy.
Kakashi did a quick double-take. "Guy? What are you doing here?"
Might Guy flashed him trademark "nice guy" pose. "Think I'd let you pull ahead of me again, Kakashi? Well, I don't think so! It's my turn in the spotlight!"
Yet too bad he didn't focus long enough to notice a pair of snakes encircling his neck! Guy turned around and gasped when he saw Anko…or at least, what remained of her. "Anko! What do you think you're doing?!"
"If someone calls me Anko again, I'm gonna KILL SOMEONE!" Orochimaru barked fiercely.
"Anko!" Asuma cried.
And so, being the man of his word, Orochimaru snapped Guy's neck.
"I told you I'd keep my promise…" Orochimaru twistingly sneered as everyone gaped at him in shock. "Now, I dare anyone to say that name again, and I swear I'll—"
"But that is your name!" Asuma argued insistently. "An—"
"Don't say it!" both Kakashi and Kurenai frantically said simultaneously.
"K—mmfft!" Asuma continued, but Kakashi hastily covered Asuma's mouth with both of his hands.
Kurenai let out a sigh of relief. I'm glad that Kakashi was able to—
"Oops, can't believe I left this behind," Naruto said—to everyone's surprise, returning to pick up his left-behind headband.
"Naruto!" Kakashi gasped, and, unfortunately…
Released Asuma in the process!
"O," Asuma concluded, saying the last word in his beloved's name.
Anko glared at Asuma. "I heard that, alright! And now you're gonna pay!" Anko reeled her snakes from Guy's night and lashed them out towards Asuma. "Say good-bye!"
Asuma could only stare at the snakes coming at his face. "Hello, honey! What are the snakes for—?"
"Got it!" cried a triumphant voice.
Snap! Fortunately for Asuma, Naruto's headband was right below his feet, and so when Naruto went to pick it up…yeah, you get picture.
"EEEEP!!! Why have you committed such a horrible deed?! Killing a young shinobi… Why have you turned into such a murderer?" Asuma whined, yet his pale face indicated that he was near fainting.
Impatiently glowering at Asuma, Orochimaru snapped, "HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME???!!! I'M NOT 'YOUR BELOVED' ANYMORE!!!! MY NAME IS—!!!!!"
The next thing that happened really did cause Asuma to faint!
What'd interrupted Orochimaru from concluding his exclamation was a long thin sword sticking out of his chest!
Specifically his heart!
"You dirty slut! I know what you've been doing with my boyfriend!" said a voice. An ANBU mask covered her face, but the purple hair revealed that it was in fact Yugao!
Orochimaru struggled to turn his head. "W-What are you taking about?" he rasped, "I never did anything! I'm not even—"
"Save it, Anko!" Yugao exclaimed, and then proceeded to cut off Anko's head with a kunai knife. She held the severed head out before her like a trophy. "Just you wait and see what's happened to your 'beloved,' Hayate…"
As Yugao leapt from tree to tree, building-to-building, she sang, "Ohh Ha-ya-te! Look what I got for you…"
"So Asuma cheated on me, but it turns out that Anko had cheated on him! And he deserved it." Kurenai heatedly thought, and—recalling his unfaithfulness… "That's it. I'm getting a divorce from this two-timing man now!"
Seeing the fierce look on Kurenai's face, Kakashi decided to do something to cheer her up: "Do you want to marry me, Kurenai Yuhi?"
At first, Kurenai was taken back at Kakashi's sudden proposal. But then smiled warmly and answered, "Yes, Kakashi Hatake, I'll be delighted to marry you."
Obviously, the next thing they did was kiss. And Kurenai's final thoughts were, "I'll divorce Asuma…"
After my honeymoon."
A/N: As always, please R&R and thank co-author Craftygirl as well (and I guess you can thank the creator of Naruto as well-if you want).
