IMPORTANT I've fiddled a little bit with the time-line. In 6x14 Emily receives the flower from Doyle, takes Sergio and leaves. This still stands but Emily goes back to her condo after Doyle threatens her team because Emily forgot to tell Catherine not to go to the condo after she received the flower. Catherine doesn't know that she is in danger when she goes to Emily's condo, but Emily does because Doyle threatened Catherine when he threatened the rest of the BAU team.
AN: Hi! I'm back! The conference was amazing! I'm so glad I skipped a week of school to go to it :) I made a whole bunch of new friends with and without EDS (Ehlers-Danlos).
AN2: I don't actually have anything against Ashley Seaver; this is Catherine's point of view. And for Catherine, Ashley's mere existence is an imposition on her family. She's nervous around Ashley and even a little territorial. That said, I would suggest reading Meeting Ashley Seaver if you want to see Ashley and Catherine's first meeting. Flash back is in italics and as usual, so are Catherine's thoughts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.
Chapter 2: Where is Sergio?
People keep- people have a tendency to go away.
And I miss them.
And sometimes I wish I could make them stop.
Going away.
- Dawn, Older and Far Away, BTVS
Thursday, March 10th, 2011
The drive is as silent as my walk with Spencer from Emily's grave to Jen's car. I curl up in the backseat with Spence as much as possible while still wearing my seatbelt. Jen would have had a fit if I had taken it off or not put it on at all. She has always been so mom-like, but it's even more pronounced now, than before Henry was born. What are you thinking Jenny? Why haven't you talked about Emily since the phone call at three in the morning? I know that you're sad Jen, but you really need to talk to someone, even if it isn't me.
Walking into Emily's condo after the funeral feels wrong. Emily should be here with us. She never lets the entire team into her condo without her being here. Hell, even Jen and Penelope aren't allowed in on their own. Only I have permission to come and go as I please. I am the only person with a key. I notice that we are late: Jen, Spence and I. Everyone else is already here and I don't know how they all got in without my key. I know that it is my fault, my breakdown made us late. It feels so wrong to be here with everyone. It feels wrong that Emily is gone. Emily was not supposed to die; she was supposed to come back home to her family, to me. Jennifer promised. I don't think that any other broken promise has ever hurt me so much before. Not even when Jen promised and subsequently failed to protect me from my monster.
It shouldn't but it still does feel wrong for Ashley to be here at all. In December, Ashley promised that she would never approach me first and would never be around me unless Emily was there as well. For three full months she has kept her word and I am grateful, but Emily is gone and that means our temporary truce has been destroyed. What am I supposed to do now? I tried to consider Ashley family, but I just couldn't do it. I still see her as an intruder when Emily isn't present. Emily was my only real reason for putting any effort into my 'relationship' with Ashley Seaver. We need to figure something out; Ashley lasted longer than I originally anticipated. Although I shouldn't be surprised, after all, Emily was her training agent. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to find some way to talk to Ashley. Just the idea of being in the same room alone with her makes me nervous.
I still haven't really had contact with anyone outside my family in the three and a half months following my abduction by Louis and Dodgson. Sure I go to school, and I deal with the annoying little undergrads and I talk with my thesis advisor but they are never in any real proximity to my person, there is always at least a desk for separation. And both Professor Vaillancourt and Professor Walsh-Morrissey know that I don't like to be touched.
The team is spread out in the kitchen and the living room. Dave is cooking in the kitchen while Ashley watches. I wonder if Dave feels weird cooking in Emily's kitchen. Jennifer follows Aaron off down the hallway to the spare bedroom. I hope Jen gets a chance to talk properly about Emily's death with Aaron because I really don't see her talking to anyone else. Derek and Penelope are standing in the hall talking quietly, I go over to say hello while Spencer moves into the living room to sit down. Derek hugs me gently and tucks my hair behind my ears before Penelope drags me off to the bathroom to wash off my streaked makeup.
Penelope sits on the covered toilet lid while I wash my face. I'm not used to wearing make up and the soap and water I've been using isn't enough to get rid of the raccoon eyes my mascara has given me.
Penelope looks up and chuckles at my misfortune, all I have succeeded in doing is messing up my makeup, "Don't you have any make up remover here Cupcake?"
I roll my eyes, "Penny you know that I don't usually wear make up. So no, I don't have any."
Penelope is still chuckling when she rises, "Well Emily must have some, where is-" Penelope cuts herself off. Her breath leaves her lungs in a big whoosh.
I flinch at the name and it feels like all the air in my lungs has suddenly disappeared.
Penelope's makeup is running again and she sinks slowly back down onto the toilet lid.
I take a few steps towards her and take a deep breath, trying to stifle my sobs before I hug her tightly.
It takes us a few minutes to stem the flow of tears and by then, Derek is knocking at the door, wanting to know if we're okay. I answer the door and I know that I must look even more of a wreck than earlier because Derek looks sad and the muscles in his arms are twitching like they do when he wants to hug me but isn't quite sure if he's allowed.
I step forwards and bury my head in Derek's sculpted chest. His arms come around my body and he holds me securely against him while I bawl. I can hear Penelope crying softly behind me. Derek removes one of his arms from around me and offers it to Penelope. She comes forward, wraps one arm around me, the other around Derek. Then she mirrors my earlier movement by hiding her face against Derek's neck.
"Baby girl," Derek says addressing Penelope, "What set off the waterworks? Penelope is still sniffling and hiccupping too much to answer Derek so he turns to me, "Princess?"
I flinch and Derek holds me tighter while I try to calm my erratic breathing. Derek tries again, "Talk to me Catherine."
I hiccup quietly before answering him, "I was trying to wash off my makeup and it wouldn't come off with soap and then Penelope asked me if I had any make up remover. I don't. And then she said-" I stop myself short I don't want to blame her, it isn't really her fault.
Penelope picks up the story before I have to decide what to tell Derek, "I said Emily should have some."
Derek hugs us tighter and makes a few wheezing noises when we hug him back.
Jenny must have heard what we were talking about because she shows up a few minutes later with makeup remover. I think it might actually be Emily's. Jen is really brave to go into Emily's bedroom; I know that I would not have been able to manage it.
Derek releases Penelope and myself; we disappear back into the bathroom with one final squeeze and a whispered, "Thank you," to both Derek and Jen. Penelope and I wash our faces quickly without talking, trying very hard not to think about where the makeup remover came from.
I exit the bathroom first again. Penelope stays behind and Derek enters the bathroom seconds after I leave. I walk down the hall slowly. Jenny has disappeared again. Dave is in the kitchen with Aaron. Spence is sitting in the living room. I can see his head and shoulders sticking up from the couch. I don't see Ashley until I walk into the living room. I bite my lip so that I don't say anything to her. She is sitting far too close to Spence even if she is sitting on a chair and not the couch. Still sniffling, I curl up; ball like, against my Spencer's slim frame on Emily's couch, trying not to even look at Ashley. Her presence feels like a knife through my heart, it reminds me that Emily should be here. Emily promised that she would always be around and now I can't even be angry with her because she's dead.
I feel instantly calmer when Spencer wraps an arm around me and a little better when he pulls down the blanket from the back of the couch and tucks it in around me.
Snuggled up to Spencer, I remember being in a similar position, minus Spencer, a few weeks ago. I was sitting on the couch, exactly where I am now and Emily was hours late, I was worried and she walked though the door after eleven. The conversation that we had a few days before she died is haunting me. It was the last time I spoke to or saw Emily.
I rise from the couch, hands still clenched in the cream coloured blanket I have wrapped around myself, "Emmy where were you? I was worried. I thought you were coming home right after work. You said we were going watch the series finale of Angel. And where is Sergio?"
"Creirwy (kree-ree)," says Emily frowning, "I need some alone time."
I raise an eyebrow; less worried but still concerned, "A non sequitur Emily? And you can't possibly be alone in a mostly empty condo while I'm writing my Master's thesis in my bedroom?"
Emily crosses her arms across her chest, "Catherine I need you to leave."
"Okay. Fine," I raised my hands, letting the blanket fall to the floor around my feet, "I don't know what's going on Emily but something is obviously wrong, you have never kicked me out before." I whisper, "I wish you would talk to me."
Emily uncrosses her arms and lets them hang by her sides. She looks beseechingly at me, "We both need to leave the apartment okay Creirwy (kree-ree)."
Her words scare me, "Emily what are you talking about? What's going on? Why do we both need to leave? Where are we going?"
Emily sighs, "You're going back home to JJ, Creirwy (kree-ree), I'm going to find somewhere else to stay."
My mouth blurts out questions before my mind can censure them, "What happened? Why are we splitting up? Why aren't you coming with me? I know Jen wouldn't mind." My thoughts are going a couple hundred miles a second. I frown, "Are we leaving because you got flowers?"
Emily's face is blank, "Flowers? What are you talking about?"
I wrinkle my nose, "You got a purple flower-"
"Freesia," Emily corrects me.
I can feel my eyes lighting up, "So you do know what I'm talking about."
"Catherine." There it is again, my name, not my nickname. Something is definitely wrong. Emmy hardly ever uses Catherine.
I bite my lip, "Emmy why was the pretty flower in the trash can?"
Emily sighs in frustration, "Catherine, don't ask questions, just grab your stuff so we can leave. I need to grab my other go bag."
"But Emily," I protest.
Emily puts her foot down, "No. Go pack your stuff. We're not coming back here for a while."
I capitulate because I don't know what else to do. I pack up all my clothes and my research. I grab my laptop and hurry out of my bedroom.
Emily is already waiting for me at the door by the time I return. She opens her arms to me but I can't move. I'm too scared. Something is wrong and Emily won't tell me what it is. Somehow I don't think that the rest of the team would be able to tell me either. Emily walks towards me slowly; the look on her face says quite clearly that she doesn't have time to calm me down but she will try regardless. I do my best to stop my impending panic attack in its tracks, the hug from Emily helps but I'm still really worried.
Emily is driving rather erratically; she seems to be taking a bunch of streets that I don't recognize. If I didn't know better, I would think someone was trying to tail us, but who would be trying to follow Emily or me? It just doesn't make sense.
When Emily finally drops me off at home. I have to ask, "Where is Sergio?" before I gather up my bags.
She smiles, "Don't worry Creirwy (kree-ree), he's with my neighbour."
I hug Emily gently, "Bye Emmy."
She hugs me fiercely and kisses the top of my head, "Good-bye Creirwy. I love you."
I kiss her cheek, "Love you too Emmy." I frown, "You are coming back right? You're not running away?"
Emily smiles faintly, "No Creirwy (kree-ree), I'll be back. I promise."
Then I get out of the car and watch as Emily takes off. This is strange behavior for her, even more than kicking me out or abandoning her condo. Every other time that Emily has dropped me off previously she's made sure I get into the house before leaving.
I don't notice the tears streaming down my face until Spencer is maneuvering me onto his lap with my head pressed into the crook of his neck. The white noise is back and I can't hear anything, not even Spencer's heartbeat.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I'm reclining, but I'm still curled up on top of someone. I wait for all my senses to adjust before I open my eyes. I take stock of everything; I can feel someone's wool sweater under my cheek. Now who was wearing a sweater today? Oh, Spencer was. Okay that's good, means I don't have to move. I continue to take stock; I can hear Spence's heartbeat, I can smell Spence's soap. He always smells like new books.
I keep sniffing because the scent is just as calming as the heartbeat beneath my ear.
"Do I smell bad or something?" Spencer's voice startles me.
"What?" is all I manage get out on such sort notice.
"You're sniffing me. Do I smell bad?" he repeats himself.
I blush and look up, "No, you don't smell bad."
Spencer looks confused, "Then why?"
Penelope interrupts us, "Cupcake do you know where Sergio is? I've looked all over and I can't find him anywhere."
There is the tiniest smile on my lips, "Sergio is with the neighbour."
She looks at me strangely, "Which neighbour?"
I frown, trying to remember exactly which neighbour Emily usually leaves Sergio with when someone isn't house sitting, "The one at the opposite end of the hall, near the stairs."
Penelope nods, "Okay," she says before taking off.
A few minutes later, before Spencer has a chance to ask me why I smelled his sweater, Dave shouts from the kitchen, "Lunch is served!"
I don't bother to move and I try my best not to smile as Spencer tries to figure out how to get up off the couch with me still reclining on top of him. I know that he won't be able to do it on his own, I would have to move or he would have to dump me onto the floor and Spencer is much to nice to do that.
Derek comes along and looks at the two of us. He takes in my smirk and Spencer's confused face before walking around the couch and lifting me off Spencer and up into the air.
"Hey!" I cry out in protest, only a little bit annoyed.
Derek puts me down and chuckles, "Don't tease the genius Princess. It's not nice."
"He would have figured it out eventually," I mutter.
"Hey!" complains Spencer.
I roll my eyes, "All you had to do was ask Spence. I would have moved."
"Oh," says Spencer, his eyes lighting up in understanding.
Penelope and Jen are snickering in the doorway to the kitchen.
Derek, Penelope, Jen and Spence follow me as I walk into the kitchen. Aaron, Dave and Ashley are setting out plates, there isn't enough space in the kitchen for all of us to eat so we fill our plates and carry them out to the dining room.
Normally Emily has four chairs around her table and there are two more along the far wall but we are seven people today. Someone went to get my desk chair, I wonder if it was Jen. Suddenly I feel the need to add an eighth chair; it doesn't feel right to have a meal in Emily's home without Emily being here. We need a chair for Emily, so I go back to the front hall closet and get one of Emily's folding chairs.
When I return, both Ashley and Spencer look like they're about to ask me why I have an eighth chair but they are hushed quietly. Dave shushes Ashley who is sitting next to him and Jen leans over and covers Spence's mouth with her hand. Spencer asking questions about what I do is not new, but having someone else who questions why I do what I do is both unexpected and unpleasant.
Having Ashley around is still strange even though I have met her quite a few times. Ashley showed up right after Jen left the BAU for the State Department and I felt a little betrayed that the team would so easily and quickly replace my sister. Under different circumstances I'm sure we could have been great friends. We are relatively close in age, a mere four and a half years difference. I know that we share a love of eclectic music and prefer candy to chocolate, but it was not meant to be. Especially without Emily around forcing us to spend time together.
The first time Ashley and I met really didn't go well, we were at Emily's condo and she tried to touch me. I freaked out because I didn't see her or hear her coming. I was sitting on the living room couch, working on my thesis and I was wearing my headphones. I hadn't known that they had come home. It took Emily a good hour to calm me down and properly explain who the bloody hell Ashley was, and why she was in Emily's home.
These past few months, Emily took Ashley under her wing. I would have been concerned for my standing in Emily's eyes except for the fact that I spend half my free time at her condo. I know just how important I was to Emily; she used to tell me a lot.
Almost everyone else leaves right after we are finished eating and I cannot stand being here any longer. I just want to crawl into my bed at Jen's place and not come out for a week. Jen takes one look at me and says it's time for us to go. Spencer looks up from his perusal of the bookshelves and follows behind us like a shadow as we say good-bye to Aaron. This is when I find out that Aaron has a key and instantly, the mystery of how the rest of the team got in makes sense. I am oddly glad both that they didn't pick the lock and that I will not have to hand over my key so that Aaron can lock up.
Jen drives us home in silence. Jen has decided that Spencer is coming home with us again. I am grateful that I didn't have to ask her permission.
Spencer and I sneak in through the back door and take the secondary stairway upstairs to my bedroom. I know exactly when Jen walks through the front door because I can hear Henry's ecstatic exclamation of "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I welcome the distraction because I know that I can't deal with my adorably excited nephew Henry right now and I can't deal with the solemn eyed Jack who will most definitely notice that my eyes are red. I have no idea how my sister is handling this so well. Maybe Jen cries when she's alone. That is what I would do if I could control my tear ducts.
I close my bedroom door quickly and quietly behind Spencer. There is no point in sneaking around if we're going to alert little ears to our presence by slamming my bedroom door. Spencer spends a long time staring at my forest-covered wall. He hasn't been over, except for Tuesday, in a number of weeks and my mural has changed quite a little bit since then.
I pull back the covers, intent upon climbing in and sleeping the week away. I frown for a moment, considering my options and how long we will have. If we're lucky, Will will keep Henry and Jack distracted until dinnertime. That leaves us about two hours. If we're really lucky, Jen or Will will check in on us, leave us alone and save us some food.
I take a quick peek at Spencer whose face is an inch away from my mural covered wall. My smirk is fleeting because I quickly blank my face, a trick I perfected with Emily. That name feels like a knife through my heart. I breathe out before saying, "Spence the paint is still wet."
He jerks back, "What? Oh no! Did I get some on my nose?"
I can't help but laugh at his horrified look. "No silly. It's not wet anymore."
He looks puzzled, "Then why did you say that it was?"
I snicker, "I was trying to get your attention."
He pouts, "You couldn't have just called my name?"
I smile and shake my head, "Nope, this was more fun."
He rolls his eyes, "Well I'm glad one of us is having fun."
I stick my tongue out at him.
Spencer looks at my uncovered bed, "You're going to have a nap? What am I supposed to do then?"
I look at him doing my best to keep my face blank, "Well, you could have a nap too, or you could lie down."
Spencer tilts his head, "Are those my only two choices?"
I nod, "Yes."
Spencer smiles, "What if I wanted to read?"
I raise an eyebrow, "You didn't bring any books and if you really wanted to read, you wouldn't have turned off the lamp next to you."
Spencer blushes and starts to stammer something.
I cut him off, "Relax Spence. I didn't mean anything by it."
His shoulders sag in relief.
I climb into one side of the bed and Spencer slowly makes his way across the dark room before sitting down on the opposite side. Eventually he lies down and we lie side by side in silence. I have had enough of the silence for today and I have also had enough of lying awkwardly next to Spence. So I move Spencer's arm out of the way and roll towards him, resting my head on his shoulder.
My breathing hitches as I remember Emily will never again tease me about how I tease Spence. She is never again going to watch Buffy or Angel with me. Emily will never eat pancakes again.
"Kitty Cat?" questions Spencer as he wraps his arms around me comfortingly.
I hide my face in Spencer's shoulder and as the tears start again I whisper, "Emmy's gone. She's really gone. I don't want her to be dead Spence."
He tightens his arms around me, "Me neither Kitty Cat. Everything would be so much better if she hadn't have died."
My weeping is muffled both by Spencer's sweater and his shoulder. I think this is the third time I have cried on him today. "Don't die Spence," I murmur, unable to stay silent on the matter.
"Hey, hey, I'm not going anywhere," protests Spencer before he drifts off into silence.
"Emily wasn't supposed to be going anywhere either," I remind him unnecessarily.
Spencer sighs sadly, "Go to sleep Kitty Cat."
"I'm sorry. Night Spence, love you," I whisper into his shoulder.
"Good night. I love you too Catherine," he whispers back.
Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining…
Shining down on your face.
- In My Veins, Andrew Belle
AN3: Thank you for reading please review. The next chapter will be posted on August 19, 2012.
AN4: This will be the last chapter with Ashley Seaver in it, unless you would like to have her make a cameo appearance in chapter 14. Would you like to read the conversation between Ashley and Catherine, where they hash out new terms for their 'truce'?
