Apologies
Peeta brushed past the Peacekeepers and people of District Eleven. His fists were clenched and so was his jaw. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe her.
He saw Effie waving him over. He let his jaw slacken. "Effie, are we leaving?"
"Yes, we are. Where are Katniss and Haymitch?" She asked frantically, looking behind him.
"They'll get here soon. Effie, I'm not feeling to well, do you mind if I go back to the train now?"
"Oh, you poor thing." Effie pouted. "But I'm afraid we all have to go together."
Peeta's shoulders sagged. "Oh."
Effie frowned and reached for his hands, holding them gently. "Well how about you stay here and I go find Katniss and Haymitch?"
"Ok." Peeta said quietly.
Effie smiled softly at him and squeezed his hands before letting go and trotting off to find the others. Peeta crossed his arms over his chest and waited for Effie to retrieve Haymitch and Katniss. It didn't take too long; soon enough he could see Effie's bright wig and two people with her. He began walking to the back of the building as soon as Effie was next to him. He didn't wait up for Katniss and when they got to the car, he sat as far away from her as possible, close to the door to allow for a quick escape. He didn't look in her direction, never met her pleading gaze. He didn't want her to see the hurt betrayal in his eyes.
The ride back to the train station seemed much longer than going to Eleven's Justice Building. When they finally arrived and the door opened, Peeta hopped out and jogged up the stairs to the platform. There were many Peacekeepers, and now he knew why. He shook his head and slipped inside the train and headed straight to his room. He locked the door and went into his bathroom. His stripped his stiff clothes and stepped into the fancy shower. He pushed a button to make the water fall down on him like rain. It was hot, matching the heat from his angry flushed skin.
He tilted his head back and let the water fall on his face. He scrubbed off all the make-up and ran his hands through his hair. He shampooed it until he was absolutely certain all of the gel was out. Then he conditioned it and scrubbed his body raw with soap. He stood under the water rinsing for a long time. When he finally got out his fingers were wrinkled and his skin red.
He dried himself off and changed into some comfortable loose black pants and a green long sleeved shirt. Then he stared down at his bed, regarding the fresh made sheets that left no evidence that Katniss had spent the night with him. He still couldn't believe Katniss. How could she have been so nonchalant when she was hiding something so big from him? Snow had been in her mother's house, and he had threatened her. And she didn't think it was important to tell him? Even when he had asked her if anything was wrong she didn't say anything. He couldn't believe that she had lied to him. He guessed he knew now why Katniss had been so weird around the Peacekeeper.
He let out a sigh and looked at the clock. It was half past noon. He debated leaving his room for some lunch and decided against it. He went over to his intercom and ordered in some food. His plate of steamy roast beef and gravy came quickly with a side of buttery rolls. He ate slowly, trying to think about anything other than the betrayal he felt. When he was done he set his plate down and decided that it was better to stay in his room rather than go anywhere else, because then he'd probably see someone and have to talk to them.
A knock at the door spoiled his plan of being alone. He groaned and threw his head back as he walked to answer the door. Haymitch stood on the other side.
"What?" Peeta asked tiredly.
"Come on, kid. We've got to talk."
"If you want to talk we can talk right here."
Haymitch sighed but brushed past Peeta into the room anyway. Peeta turned around to find Haymitch ordering some liquor. Peeta shook his head and sat down on the couch by the window. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Haymitch turned around with a glass of amber liquid in it. He gave Peeta a hard look as he swirled his drink around. "I didn't expect that kind of reaction from you, kid."
Peeta lowered his eyes. "Yeah, well, I didn't ever think I'd have to react like that."
"Did you ever think about how she felt? How about how she's feeling now? Especially after all that? I'm surprised she even showed up at lunch. She was holding back tears nearly the entire time."
Peeta brought his eyes up and clenched his fists. Haymitch was trying to make him feel bad when Katniss was the one who lied? "Oh yeah? Well if she felt so bad then why didn't she let me know? How come she didn't tell me any of that? I could have helped her deal with it, but she kept it from me." He said numbly.
Haymitch sighed and knocked back his glass. "Peeta, I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt. But we've got a bigger problem right now, alright?"
Peeta folded his arms over his chest and looked away.
"You need to stick to reading those cards that Effie writes you. If Snow is worried about uprising in the Districts, then we have a very serious problem. You two need to be a distraction from the real problems."
"Fine. I'm sorry I didn't read from the cards today." He ran the idea of rebellion through his head. Was it even possible?
"That's fine, but just don't do it again. You don't really know how much power he has, and what he can do if you two don't do your job."
Peeta didn't want to think about what Snow could do to them. He recalled how Katniss told him that Snow had threatened to kill her family. He thought about how scared she must have felt. She didn't tell him because she didn't want him to worry.
But wasn't honesty still important? Didn't she know that Peeta would have put out through the fear and make her feel better? Didn't she want his comfort? He knew that he'd want hers if the roles were switched. He also knew that he had loved her for a lot longer than she had loved him. Stop, he thought immediately. That was stupid. He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind. He didn't want to admit it, but he was truly hurt.
"Ok, I get it."
Haymitch narrowed his eyes. "Do you get it? If you two can't be a truly believable story then who knows what could happen. This is very, very serious."
"Alright! I understand, ok? You don't have to lecture me."
Haymitch gave Peeta a hard stare before finishing the rest of his drink. He left it beside Peeta's lunch plate. He walked over to the door, but when it opened he didn't leave. He turned and looked at Peeta. "I think you two need to talk."
"I think you should go." Peeta said, standing up and turning to look out the window. The last thing he wanted was relationship advice from their drunk mentor.
"Alright." Haymitch relented. Peeta wracked his hands through his hair when he heard the door shut. He fisted his hair and rested his elbows against the window pane. He shut his eyes and exhaled deeply. He let go of his hair and backed away from the window. He lay down on the couch and stared at the patterns on the ceiling, trying not to think. Of Katniss, the Tour, Snow, the Districts, rebellion. Of anything. Eventually, the sleep he lost last night caught up with him and his eyes fell shut.
He woke up, it was dark. The floor of the cave was hard against his back, but the pain he was used to feeling in his leg had faded. He looked down at it and was shocked to see the bleeding and swelling had gone down immensely. He saw a needle and a very small bag beside him. He also so a hand. A bloody, small hand, dotted with calluses.
"Katniss?" he whispered, looking at her limp form. "Oh my god." There was a large cut on her forehead, seeping blood that coated her hair and face. He still couldn't use his leg very well but he dragged himself over to her and lightly pressed his fingers lightly against her neck, feeling a weak but steady pulse. She had lost a lot of blood.
Peeta scrambled to find a bandage inside the small bag. He cleaned the wound as best he could and then wrapped it up, being careful not to touch it. He tied it well and wet a cloth to clean up her face. When he was satisfied he lay the sleeping bag on her and sat up against the wall, lightly stroking her hair.
He dozed off without meaning too. A crack of thunder woke him up. He looked down at Katniss. She was deathly pale. He couldn't see the small rise and fall of her chest. "Katniss?" he said, dread filling his limbs like lead. He touched her cheek and gasped when he felt how cold it was. He leaned closer to her. "Katniss? Katniss, please!" he felt for her pulse but it was gone. "Oh, no. No no no. This can't be happening. Wake up! Katniss, please, wake up!"
Peeta started violently at the sound of the cannon, effectively waking him up. There was no light in his room, the sun had set and the moon was blocked out clouds. He sat up and rubbed his shaky hands over his face. It was a dream. It was just a dream. He felt a cold bead of sweat trickle down his spine. Without another thought, Peeta got up and left his cabin in a haste. He skidded to Katniss's room, but she wasn't inside. He could only think of one other place she'd go on the train.
He took a deep breath, stuck his hands in his pockets and walked to the back of the train. The door slid open and he saw Katniss curled up on the couch, facing the window like she was yesterday. A silent wave of relief rushed through him. He walked in a little bit, but Katniss didn't notice him. He leaned one of his shoulders against the wall.
"I'm sorry, Katniss." He whispered quietly. It didn't matter though, because Katniss flinched violently and turned to him.
"Peeta," she breathed, her taught muscles relaxing.
"I shouldn't have freaked out like that before. I just got frustrated…" he shrugged his shoulders half-heartedly. "I'm sorry."
Katniss swung her legs down and stood up. "No, I'm sorry. I should have told you." She said in a small voice. She twisted her hands in front of her. "I shouldn't have kept that from you. I was just really scared and-and-"
"You shouldn't have kept it from me." Peeta confirmed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Katniss I could have helped you deal with it. Didn't you want me to?" He couldn't keep the hurt from creeping into his voice.
Katniss shoulders dropped. "I didn't want you to have to do that. I don't want to worry you with all of this because it's my fault. I started all of this, not you. You shouldn't have to be the one to-"
Peeta stopped leaning against the wall and walked towards her. "To what? Deal with this? Because that's not true. We're in this together, Katniss, and we have been from the beginning. It's the star-crossed lovers act. Plural. Me and you until the end. If you didn't think I'd have to deal with some of this…" he finished tiredly, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Yeah, but I caused all of this. It's my fault! Don't you get it? I'm the reason all of this happened! I did this. Not you. I'm the problem, Peeta. You shouldn't have to fix it because you're not the one who messed it up in the first place. I'm the one who pulled out those berries."
Peeta stopped right in front of her. "I went along with it. I agreed with you and I was going to eat those berries. I was a hundred percent willing to do it. I'm in this just as much as you are. You should've known that I'd help you get through all this, and that I wouldn't have a single problem doing so."
Katniss dropped her hands and gave him an exasperated look. "Peeta, I'm sorry, ok? What do you want me to say?" Her eyes started to fill with tears.
Peeta leaned down and held her face in his hands. He looked into her watery silver eyes and wiped away the tears that dripped down her cheeks. "Katniss, I love you. You need to know that no matter what, through any situation no matter how messed up, or how scary it is, I will be there right beside you. That's what I'm here for, and it's what I want to do. Always."
"Oh, Peeta." She sobbed. "I'm so sorry." She collapsed into his arms. He cradled held her trembling figure in his arms. She wept harder into his shirt. He scooped her up and took her to her room. The door locked behind them but Peeta didn't care. He set her down on the bed and went to the bathroom. When he was done he took off his shirt and held it out for Katniss. A ghost of a smile formed on her tear-stained face.
"Green. It's my favourite colour."
"Really? I never knew." Peeta said gently.
"Yeah. What's yours?" She asked, replacing her own shirt for Peeta's.
"Orange." He said softly.
Katniss quirked her brow. "Like Effie's hair?"
"No," Peeta chuckled as he got under the covers. "Not bright orange, but soft. Like the sunset."
"Oh." She said, climbing in after him. She slunk over to his side and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry." She said, almost inaudibly.
"Are you ok?" Peeta asked after a little bit.
"Peeta… I'm just so scared. If we don't convince the people in the Districts what will happen? Snow threatened to kill, and I know that he will if he gets the chance." She pulled back and touched his face. Her eyes were forbidding. "What if he takes you from me? I'd have nothing."
"That's not going to happen. We'll get through this, ok? It's going to be fine." He said, thinking about her words. He was feeling the exact same as her. If Katniss was gone… he didn't know how he could live.
Katniss entwined her fingers with his and turned on her side. Peeta cupped her body with his and rested his cheek on her ear.
"Stay with me." She whispered.
"Always." He murmured.
The rest of the Tour in the Districts was very routine. Every night he and Katniss shared the same bed, always coaxing the other back to sleep after they had been awakened by nightmares. Then came the tedious part. Get dressed. Drive to the Justice Building. Read their parts on the cards. Receive their plaques, flowers and other gifts. Get ushered back inside quickly by Peacekeepers. They were always connected somehow, either by their hands or linked elbows, or arms around shoulders and waists. They often sealed their speeches with a kiss, but it wasn't like their kisses when they were alone, it was almost forced. It was too stiff for Peeta's liking and he made sure to make up for it when they got the chance. Katniss was eager to receive, and both would lose themselves trying to forget their day.
Sometimes there were riots. Sometimes there was no applause, and if there was, it was half-hearted and awkward. Peeta did his best to show people that he and Katniss really did love each other, to the extent where they'd purposely get caught trying to sneak off together, but he wasn't so sure they cared.
Tomorrow was the last day of the Tour. They'd finally be in the Capitol for the largest party, at the Presidential Palace. Haymitch had asked to talk to them both in private. They were sitting in the caboose.
"Snow has been, and still is, watching us. If he wanted you to pacify the Districts, I promise you, he's not happy. I know that you two, well, I know it's not an act anymore, but it didn't seem very real. Instead of being in love you two sounded like you were reciting from a drilling manual." Haymitch stated.
"You try reading the stuff that Effie writes us. I'd never say any of that." Peeta said.
"Yeah Haymitch, and if Peeta wouldn't say any of that then do you think Iwould?" Katniss muttered.
"Tell that to President Snow when you see him tomorrow." Haymitch said gruffly.
"I'm open to suggestions. Anything that can help is fine with me. I just want this all to be done with." Peeta said, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling.
"I don't know, Peeta." Haymitch said.
Katniss cleared her throat beside him. "We could get married." She said in a small voice.
Peeta's head snapped up. "What?" He and Haymitch said in shocked unison.
Katniss spoke louder. "We could get married. If, like you said, we're on this train forever, then it would be bound to happen anyway. The proposal could be during an interview, a filmed one. Everyone would see it." No one said anything. "They'd be prying into our life every year, it would happen eventually and you know it."
"Well that would certainly make a statement." Haymitch commended.
Peeta really didn't know what to say. Obviously he wanted to marry Katniss. It would be a dream come true. But now? Weren't they still a little too young? Just a few months ago their parents kept them apart because they slept in the same bed. How would they react to marriage? Even though Peeta had made it clear that they couldn't stop his and Katniss's relationship, he still valued his family, not to mention Katniss's.
But what bugged him the most is that it would be forced, it wouldn't be real. It wasn't the time for them to get married. Did she even want it? She had only suggested it as a last resort to convince everyone. Peeta wanted it to be real.
"Yeah, sure. Let's do it." He said as he stood up. He couldn't stay there anymore. His emotions were starting to overwhelm him. He started to walk toward the door.
"Peeta!" He heard Katniss call after him. He didn't turn around and heard Haymitch tell her to give him a minute.
Peeta walked to his room and went to the window. He blankly watched the trees passing by for what seemed like years. He heard his door open behind him, but didn't turn around. After a moment Katniss wrapped her arms around him from behind and pressed her cheek against his spine. Peeta shut his eyes at her touch.
"Peeta, I'm sorry." She whispered.
"I just wanted it to be real." He said wistfully. "Without all the glory from the Capitol, you know? At a better time. When we were older."
"I know. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else we can do." Katniss kissed a few of the vertebrae in his spine. "I used to never want to get married. But then I realized that I was in love with you and that all changed. I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life, Peeta. I do want to marry you, but when we're not seventeen. But we don't have any other option. I know what you mean because I feel the same way." She said softly. "I wish we could have waited for the perfect moment."
"Me too." Peeta turned around and held Katniss's face in his hands. "But it doesn't seem as though we'll ever get the perfect moment." He gave her a miserable smile.
"No it doesn't." she whispered sadly as she rose up on her toes. "I'm sorry." She kissed him then, her soft lips molding against his tenderly. He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs and kissed her back with all the love he held in his heart. He ran his tongue along her bottom lip and she reached up to cup his face.
"I love you, Peeta." She whispered when they pulled apart. "No matter what."
"I know. I love you too."
