A/N: Hi all, sorry for the week's absence. We went away to the Masai Mara in Kenya (amazing experience – saw all big five! But the email connection was, well… hinky) But, I am back… And I hope you continue to hang in with me. Thanks again for the overwhelming response – regarding reviews, alerts and favourites. This is just a short update, but more to follow (hopefully tomorrow!)
Disclaimer: Still own nothing….
Chapter four: Finding perspective
Four weeks; 33 days; 792 hours; 47 520 minutes; 285 1200 seconds – since Sam walked out of barn, out of her life. Not that she is counting, of course. She doesn't know where he is, what is doing, or how much trouble he may be in. Her only saving grace is that he is still alive, must be still alive because, surely, they would have know, heard, had something… God forbid, happen to him. So she clings onto that hope. And bites down on her tongue. Holding back the questions that strangle her.
Three weeks – give or take a day – since she walked out on Luke, on their future. Closed a door on their past. A door that Luke frantically tried to wedge back open. It's funny, she thinks, how the mind works.
She is not going to lie that she felt something for Luke. That she had, well, committed to him. That she had chosen him, torn as she was. And, if she thinks about it, Jo never made a secret her feelings for Luke. She never hid the disappointment she felt in coming back and finding Andy in Luke's heart. In fact, when you think about, the blonde detective actually had restraint. Let's be honest. Had it been a role-reversal, had it been Andy's ring that Luke proposed to another woman with, she wouldn't have been as congratulatory, so complacent, so… so… quiet.
There is no denying that it hurts like hell to be betrayed the way she was. And yes, it was wrong. So wrong. But, didn't she almost do the same thing? So, she didn't follow through. But it wasn't her strong moral grounding that stopped her, now was it. And if there is one thing Andy McNally is not, it's a hypocrite. Learn that lesson pretty quickly when your only guardian drinks himself into a stupor.
So, while she may not like the situation, she can understand it. Can justify it, to a degree… "Secrets, Andy. They don't work. They never do." Luke had said to her about Sam. About "their" situation. And, he still didn't know the truth did he? Sam covered for her, protected her. Pushed her into Luke's arms. Walked away. He was good at that, wasn't he. Walking away. Leaving. Not looking back, she thinks bitterly, unfairly. Time and Space. A bonafide savant.
The person she really feels for is Jo, surprisingly enough. Had seen her a week or so ago, sitting alone at the Penny, nursing her drink at the bar. Loyalty is a strange thing. Andy may be the Rookie, but Jo was the stranger. Switched teams mid-season and then promptly tried to take out the team favourite. No one was blatantly rude of course. They are all too nice for that. But, they didn't exactly warm to Jo, did they?
Andy had watched her for a few minutes, before getting up and moving over to her. Dov had hoped that she was going to bitch-slap her, but instead, Andy pulled out the bar stool next to her and held up two fingers to the barman, gestured to Jo's drink.
Jo glanced up at her, dark rings under her eyes. Andy didn't say anything, simply sat. Sipped at her drink. Waited. Jo stared at the amber liquid, swirled it around in the glass. "You want to know why, don't you? You want to know what kind of a bitch does that to another woman… Sleeps with her fiancé?"
"I get it."
Jo looked at her in amazement: "Who are you? Cinder-freaking-rella?"
"I do. I get it." Andy said simply. "You were undercover. Emotions were high. You have feelings for each other. You got caught up in the moment…" Her voice trailed off.
Jo shook her head in amazement. "You really are Bambi, aren't you? But, you know what, Bambi. That's just the thing. Had feelings for each other. Had. At least. For Luke. Won't even speak to me. Makes working together kind of hard, I tell you…."
She picked up her drink, gulped it down. Pushed the glass away from her, and pulled the fresh drink closer. "You know, I think I had hoped that he would decide he had made a mistake. That he would realize what he was missing out on. That he missed me. But, instead, it simply made him realize how much he cared for you. I mean, the first thing he did after leaving me, was move your wedding date up. What is that?" She looked at Andy, tears building in the corners of her eyes. "What kind of a man uses another woman's ring to propose to the woman he loves? Says more about me than you Andy, when you think about it," she added bitterly.
Andy stood. "For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you. I think you are good for him. You make him laugh."
She walked back to the rookies, sat down. Gail looked at her with a raised eyebrow, she shook her head quickly. Discussion over. Topic closed.
She glanced over to where Jo still sat. Shoulders hunched. Defeated.
Sam had been right about one thing though, hadn't he: "Secrets don't come out all neat and tidy, Andy. I'm kinda surprised you haven't figured that out by now." At the time, she hadn't been entirely sure if he was talking about the case, or about them. Hard to tell with Sam.
Sam. When did those lines blur? When did she start substituting "Sir" for "Sam"? It was such a natural progression, she cannot even pin-point the moment. He was just there. "When it matters," he once told her. Well. It matters. So where the hell is he?
