CHAPTER 4: IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN

After walking hours in the Wicked Snape's ruby pumps in blazing summer Remus could well understand how they could turn anybody wicked. His feet hurt so much he was tempted to pull a Cinderella on them, be damned if his legs would fray at the end as a result, better his legs than his spiritual well-being. He even started to suspect that the Wicked Snape had smashed that teacup over his own head just to liberate himself from the oppression.

"Phew!" he said when he reached a crossing he found to be suitable for a break. He was surrounded by forests and grain fields. "Look, Bluebell, clover"

Patches of clover that Bluebell didn't seem to find remotely interesting grew by the grain field. It was probably best to just carry on, but since there were no sign posts Remus had no way of knowing how to get to Half-Moon City.

"Flip. Now which way do I go?"

"Some people go that way!" came a voice from behind.

Remus turned around but saw nothing except for endless fields of grain and a pretty realistic scarecrow; the only thing that gave away that it was a scarecrow was the overall sewn-together-by-Dr. Frankenstein look of it and the straw sticking out from under the robes, and also the fact that it was stuck to a pole in the corner of a grain field and was pointing forward with one arm. Remus didn't know why anybody would want a pointing scarecrow but thought that perhaps it was a way to attract crows. Then he thought that this was one counterproductive scarecrow, dropped the theorizing and turned to Bluebell.

"Did you say that?"
But Bluebell kept sniffing yellow bricks and took no notice of him.

"That way is also good!" came the voice again and definitely not from Bluebell for his mouth had not moved.

Remus turned around again and tried to see if the farmer was somewhere in the grain field.

"I feel like I'm stuck in Alice In Wonderland" he said and looked up at the still scarecrow. "Hang on a minute. I could swear it was just pointing the other way"
The scarecrow moved again, this time before Remus's very eyes, and next it was pointing over both shoulders.

"And some people go both ways, like me!" it said merrily, successfully scaring Remus a third time. "Hi, Alice"

"It's Dorothy" said Remus. "It's Remus"

"Can I call you Moony?"

"Alright. What should I call you?"

"Well, the farmer thinks I'm too silly. He wants me to be Not-Silly. But Not-Silly isn't a very good name, is it?"

"It's unique"

"Hm. I've never thought of it like that!"

"How do you do, Not-Silly?" Remus seized Not-Silly's straw-stuffed arm for a shake.

"Not well at all, you?" replied Not-Silly.

"Why do you say 'not well at all'?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm stuck up here with a pole up my backside- not in a good way, mind you- and it's so boring!"

Not-Silly heaved a sigh of the most painful impatience.

"I can imagine that" said Remus. "Can't you think of a way to entertain yourself?"

"No I can't because I don't have a brain"
"Oh dear! How do you talk without a brain?"

"Mostly with my mouth. Say, would you mind awfully getting me down from here?"

"Not at all"

Remus grabbed hold of the sides of Not-Silly and simply ripped him off the pole. Not-Silly landed on his stomach on the road and a hole with straw falling out gaped on his back. Remus rushed to stuff it back in.

"I sure hope the farmer won't catch you stuffing my backside" said Not-Silly cheekily and Remus whacked him over the head with his basket for being a pervert. Then when he had finished stuffing the scarecrow he helped him to his feet. Not-Silly smirked, as if he found seeing Remus in a forest with a basket threaded over one arm amusing for some reason and Remus threw the basket away because he took offence to being smirked at for some reason. He hoped dearly he wouldn't need the basket later.

"Well, I'm off to see the Headmaster" he said and turned to leave when Not-Silly held him back.

"The Headmaster? Do you think he could give me a brain?"

"I don't know. But what would you do with a brain?"

"What wouldn't I do?"

(Melody: If I only had a brain from The Wizard of Oz.)

Not-Silly:

I would like to be the wisest

A doctor or a scientist

Preferably insane

And I'd cut nerves and tissue

And this wouldn't be an issue

If I only had a brain

I would pay my every sickle

For brains that are like pickles

For me to cut in strains

Remus:

You could research and study

For your brainless undead buddy

If you only had a brain

Not-Silly:

I've searched

Around church

Or rather, sent the crows

Certainly they found me lots of bodies gross

But why no brains, I ask. Who knows?

In labs I would pull the levers

Create mutated beavers

My wits would grant me fame

I could make zombie armies

Not a single one would harm me

If I only had a brain

An attempted pirouette made Not-Silly lose balance and fall over, which was no wonder really considering he had been stuck to a pole all his life and also because he lacked both muscles and bones. He began to stuff straw back under his robes. Remus was very interested in this pervert eccentric's zombie project and would have loved to stay and hear more about it but he had a road to follow.

"Well, good luck" he said.

"Wait!" said Not-Silly and stuffed him quickly with the remains of the straw that he had lost during his song-and-dance number. "Can I come with you to the Headmaster?"

"I don't know" said Remus. "A supposedly wicked wizard is mad at me. You could get in trouble"

"Pfft, I'm not afraid of no wizard"

"So… You are afraid of a wizard?"

"Shut up" Not-Silly used Remus to pull himself back up. "I'm not afraid because I have no fear, and I won't try to manage because I don't care"
"Well, since you put it in semi-rhyme… Of course you can come along and see the Headmaster!"

"Hooray we're off to see the Headmaster!"

Not-Silly nearly fell again from jumping for joy. The two locked arms and continued down the road merrily.

(Melody: We're off to see the wizard from The Wizard of Oz.)

Both:

We're off to see Headmaster

The Wizard of Half-Moon City

We hear he is the master of masters, if a master there could be

If ever there a Headmaster could be

The Headmaster is one because you see

You see, you see, you see, you see, you see

The masterful things he does you see!

We're off to see Headmaster

The Wizard of Half-Moon City