Chapter Four
112
My eyes were wide, mouth open in shock as I stared at those numbers.
At five feet seven inches, I didn't understand how I could weigh so much. Slowly, I eased myself against the wall and slid to sit down; I rest my head on my knees, breathing slowly. Insults flash through my mind(failure, fat, good for nothing, moron, liar...) and they were correct.
Hiei was in the den, reading a book in a fluffy lounge chair. He looked up at me and held a book up so I could see the title; Moby Dick, huh? I smiled, "why Hiei, I never knew you enjoyed such literature." He mock glare, and looked at me in a scrutinizing tone, "What's the matter, Fox?" Sometimes it annoys me that I can't hide anything, "Nothing serious, love," I said, smiling, "I'm just a bit frustrated with the fact that I've misplaced my blue shirt." Hiei smiled knowingly, "Let me guess; the one with the Chinese style buttons?" I nodded, "You know me well." He winked and turned back to his book; I decided to make some tea for him.
"Suichi dear," my mother's voice seemed loud in the otherwise silence of our home, "What on earth are you doing up so..." she glanced at the clock, "Early..." Indeed it was much later than I'd assumed, past twelve thirty. "I am sorry mother," my own voice was low, "I hadn't realized how much time had gone by..." She waved me off, tying her hair back while I set the full kettle on the stovetop. I pulled a silver canister of lemongrass tea, three bags; I knew my mother would drink some even she denied wanting any. Much like Hiei, women were peculiar creatures.
Shiori had gone back to her bedroom with a full cup while I went to the den, sitting next to Hiei on the brown chair. He smirked, setting a Mark in his book before his hands went to my hips; I knew what he was doing. And the last thing I needed was his hands around my waist. Feigning playfullness, instead of the insecurity I was really feeling, I pulled away from him and smirked, running my fingers casually through my hair. Strange; perhaps I should go back to my old shampoo. This is why I asked Kazuya not to buy salon products.
"Not now Hiei," I looked into his eyes, "Maybe some other time, ne?" He gave me something close to a pout as I've ever seen, before it morphed into a grin, "Fine, Fox. But I'm holding you to that."
..I couldn't sleep. I would lie there, listening to Hiei's breathing or his heartbeat, and for a moment I would be calm...but my thoughts kept drifting. I would have to fidget, simply because I felt disgusting just...lying there, taking in oxygen. I wanted to run; to simply leap from the trees until my legs collapsed beneath me. I wanted to embrace the moonlight. I wanted...I sighed. I didn't know what j wanted anymore.
I stood, rocking back and forth between the balls and heels of my feet. I got tired quickly,had to stop. It made me feel restless, so I started again. Everything started to hurt and my hands trembled. Irritated. I went into the bathroom and I tried my hardest not to slam the door.
I stared at the Damn mirror; I couldn't tear my eyes from the disgusting human that stood before me.
...I honestly don't remember taking the blade in to my hands.
It was a simple old fashioned razor; blade attached to a wooden handle. It pops forward, revealing the shining edge that called in a demented fashion. Biting my lip, I took a deep breath; just once. I would try once, to see if it helped.
I pressed it to the outside of my arm, a sharp sting followed by a stream of blood and burning that came from the core of my veins. My breath hitched.
It felt good. It hurt. And it helped.
