Epilogue: Rest in Peace
By mid-morning, Sid had cried himself out. He was tired, it is true. He had had three consecutive sleepless nights and he had witnessed the death of the most wonderful person he knew he would ever meet. However, although exhausted by his grief, he now felt able to undergo the formalities involved with Cassie's death. He also had a funeral to plan. This would, at least, keep his mind occupied for a couple of weeks.
The next few days were involved with dealing with the coroner and going through all the formalities of getting a death certificate issued. 'Suicide' was the coroner's verdict, as there was a clearly written note. The coroner also took into account the text Cassie had sent on the Thursday afternoon.
The next task to occupy Sid's mind was the arranging of a funeral. Talking to undertakers and realising that he was not the only person suffering a loss did seem, for the time being, to insulate him from the ferocity of his intense grief. He knew that he would be called upon to deliver the main eulogy at the service. This was a task which filled him with dread. Yes, he had taken in some of the hints given to him on the course. Under normal circumstances, he felt he would be able to deliver a short speech to an audience. However, this was different. He was to eulogise the one person who had rescued him from his humdrum world and made life wonderful. He missed her so intensely that he was not sure whether he would be able to control his emotions.
Cassie's funeral was quite a simple one. It was attended by her family, Sid's family including his grandfather and uncle and, of course, Sid and Cassie's close friends. These included all the surviving members of the 'gang' and Maxxie's wife, Katie. Sid sat with his former best friend, Tony, who gave him moral and emotional support.
The time came for Sid to deliver his eulogy. He walked slowly to the lectern and stood behind it, facing the congregation. He started speaking, his voice slightly tremulous.
"Today, we are here to bury the mortal remains of someone marvellous."
"Let me tell you about my sweet Cassie. She was, possibly the most wonderful person I could ever have met. It is true, she had issues, but these were minor compared with the sheer beauty of her personality. She was kind, gentle, compassionate, tolerant and warm hearted. Her beautiful speaking voice was balm to my ears. It is a tragedy that it will never be heard again. I suppose her most notable feature was that wonderful pair of eyes. When she looked at you, you felt that she could see right into your soul. That could feel uncomfortable, but it did mean that you would have to be completely open and honest with her."
"As I've already said, she had issues. She felt insecure. Her parents gave birth to a baby brother for her. Her reaction to this joyful addition to the family was unexpected. She felt left out. The feeling of insecurity also led to feelings of inadequacy. She reacted to this by not eating. She had little or no sense of self-worth. She became depressed and frequently thought of suicide as a way out of her situation. I found that the remedy for this, most of the time, was sincere, gentle and all-embracing love. However, to love Cassie, and let her know you loved her was rewarding. She would repay your love tenfold. She also retained an adorable, childlike, wide-eyed innocence when she encountered anything new to her. She would say Wow! That's so lovely.' and her expression was one of innocent delight. Once you got to know her, you came to realise that she was special. When she was happy, she seemed to possess a deep inner serenity, which was contagious. It was impossible to feel agitated or stressed around her. She would see the good in everything and everyone. She would give her love unconditionally to the person closest to her. I feel privileged to have been that person. Despite her dark feelings, she appeared to outsiders, to be a beacon of joy. Her smile was bright enough to light up any room she entered. It was almost impossible to feel sad in her presence."
"Something I haven't mentioned is that she was exceptionally beautiful. Her smiling face always inspired a feeling of joyful tranquillity in everyone she met. To look at that lovely face, framed by those glorious cascades of golden hair, was to experience true beauty. There was nothing about her face or her body which was anything less than beautiful."
"I loved her deeply. Because I actually came to know her as a person, and what a marvellous person, she was. She trusted me. Unfortunately, in the end, my love was not enough. I should have realised that she was entering an emotional crisis when I went away on that course, and postponed it. After all, her life was far more important than my career prospects. In a way, I feel partly responsible for the death of this truly wonderful person. My deepest regret is that I feel I have betrayed that genuine trust that she had placed in me. Her loss will be felt deeply by many people, not least, her father and my mother. A beautiful and inspiring beacon of serenity and joy has been extinguished for ever."
It was obvious that Sid was breaking down at this point. His voice was cracking. He produced a tissue and wiped away the tears streaming down his cheeks.
"I can say no more." He sobbed.
Tony took his arm and helped him back to his pew. He wept bitterly through the remainder of the ceremony.
Afterwards, Sid did not remember much about the interment or the wake. The emotional investment he had put into holding himself together while delivering the eulogy had all but exhausted him. He vaguely remembered putting the first clod of earth onto the coffin and the words of sympathy offered by the funeral guests. What he did remember was the feeling of desolation and loneliness that dominated his life, now that Cassie was no more. However, the dominant feeling was that of guilt. Despite what Cassie had written in her suicide note, Sid felt totally responsible for the death of a wonderful person. This feeling would not go away.
During the weeks following the funeral, Sid's mood appeared to stabilise. True, he still felt sad, but he felt he had to struggle on. He carried out his office work, but with no great enthusiasm. Towards the end of November, he suddenly felt as if a black cloud had enveloped him. He withdrew into himself and cut himself off from his friends. When he got home in the evening, he would go straight up to his room. He had left the flat he was sharing with Cassie and was living with his mother. He was not eating enough to sustain himself. When Liz asked him if she could help, he said "No!" very aggressively. He had come to believe that the void left in his life by the death of his Cassie could never be filled. Moreover, he felt that he was duty bound to punish himself for killing her.
One foggy Saturday morning in December, he told his mother he was going out to get some fresh air. She took this as a sign that he might be recovering.
"That's a good idea." said Liz, "It'll do you some good. Bye! See you later."
"Goodbye, mum." said Sid, somewhat solemnly.
Liz was puzzled by Sid's tone of voice as he said "Goodbye". True, he had been deeply depressed since Cassie's death, but even nowadays, he was normally more cheerful when he said 'goodbye' to her. After about four hours, when he hadn't returned, she went to his bedroom and found a freshly written note. There were a couple of damp patches on it where Sid's tears had fallen onto the paper as he wrote.
It read:
"Dearest Mum,
I'm so sorry to have to do this to you, but my life has become worthless since Cassie killed herself.
In a way, I feel responsible for her death. When I went on that training course, I neglected her emotional needs. I should have cancelled, even at the last minute. I should have turned back when she said "Adieu" at Temple Meads station. By still going to Birmingham when she said that, I feel I killed her myself. I deserve ferocious punishment for what I have done.
I invested all my love in Cassie. It was wonderful while it lasted. She repaid that love with interest. We truly became part of each other. As a couple, we had lost the ability to live apart. Once one of us was gone, the other merely existed in a sort of forsaken trance. That is my present situation. I feel I cannot go on like this.
Cassie was truly my love. She was my life. She held the key to my heart. Now that she has gone, both my heart and my spirit have been shattered. All I see ahead of me in this life is desolation and loneliness. The only thing I can do is to look for her beyond death.
As I've already written, I'm so sorry to have to do this to you, Mum.
So, adieu, Mum. Adieu, Tony. Adieu, Michelle. Please remember me.
Your dear Sidney.
She sat down and burst into tears when she read the note. She did, however realise that there was very little she could have done to stop her son's descent into darkness and depression. After all he had lost everything that made his life worth living when he lost his sweet Cassie. She was truly his perfect lifetime companion. Theirs was indeed a match made in heaven.
She was grief stricken, but not altogether surprised when a police officer called later that afternoon to regretfully inform her that her son had thrown himself off the Clifton Suspension Bridge.
