While Hermione is taking her sweet time walking towards the Great Hall, whistling to the tune of Christina Warbeck's "Run, Fools, Run!", the rest of our frazzled gang are still screaming at the top of their lungs, still being relentlessly chased by those nasty, screeching birds. They found out to their dismay, that using a vanishing spell will just multiply its number and what's more appalling is it grew larger and those newly evolved abominations started popping and dropping rotten eggs at them with pinpoint accuracy. They still have to go through a long abandoned corridor, 3 flights of stairs and another hallway to finally reach the Great Hall and, hopefully, get some help. The people they encountered on the way were no help at all. As soon as they saw the birds, they tried vanishing them, too, and poof! The birds got bigger and bigger, not to mention that they are now pelting bigger and more putrid eggs at them. Those useless idiots have no choice but to join them on their flight, yelling profanities and trying to outrun the other students. Poor Neville really needs more exercise or he wouldn't be lagging behind, getting most of the birds' wrath.
Finally, the ragtag group reached the last step of the third stair and relief spread towards them as they dashed through the long hallway, opened the doors to the Great Hall and shouted for help with the storm of feathers trailing on their heels, swiftly gaining ground. The professors, who were already eating at the staff table, heard their cries of help, quickly stood as one and mightily brandished their wands towards the vicious birds (which now came to the size of a full grown Doberman Pinscher) and together shouted the resounding words: "Evanesco!" to the horrified yells of "No!", or "Not the Vanishing spell again!".
Luckily, Professor McGonagall, who was late for dinner, happened to come at the right time and fixed the problem with a short incantation before the situation got anymore worse. The whole student body, who were preparing themselves for a potentially disastrous dinner, collectively sighed in relief and then one by one applauded the professor who successfully rid the Hall of those evil creatures. Harry and the rest of his friends clapped each other on the back to congratulate themselves for surviving another one of Hermione's brutal retaliation. It would take a long while before they dare to get on her bad side again.
When the students finally settled down, we could find the gang scourgifying themselves to remove the stains from their robes at the Gryffindor table. They could do nothing about their torn clothes, though, and the stench until they take a bath.
"Ugh, Hermione really knows how to whip up some revolting hexes," said a very disgusted Parvati. "Look at me, I'm a bloody mess!" Her hair was windswept and she has a few scratches on her arms.
"We all look like a bunch of rags right now, not to mention stinky as hell, dammit! ", moaned Ginny who was unlucky enough to be pelted by two or more eggs. For all her athletic prowess, she is still sporting torn sleeves from when she was snatched by a particularly vicious eagle and was almost lifted to the roof if it wasn't for Dean who stupefied the bird. Well, he couldn't prevent it from laying one last humongous egg straight towards Ginny's head before it exploded… into another cavalry of birds.
"Come here, Luna. You've got something on your hair," Lavender, who was finished grooming herself to the best of her abilities (she could not mend her shirt which was torn, exposing her midriff, and maybe she doesn't want to), proceeded to fuss on the Ravenclaw's hair with Parvati's help. She somehow got a lot of feathers stuck on her long silvery hair and some landed on her clothes.
"Ugh! This is hopeless", exclaimed a very angry Padma, "My hair, my clothes, ugh… Wow, I smell like the blasted sewers!" She marched toward the Ravenclaw's table and ate, planning to hog an entire bathroom to herself later. She won't eat at the Gryffindor table this time because when Hermione comes in, she might not be able to restrain herself from retaliating with a tooth-enlarging spell. She knows all too well that it will begin another cycle of hexing and the poor castle might just give up trying to stand on its own and collapse. Collin joined her to her delight (even when he conjured a bubble to encase his head to keep the smell out), discussing very discreetly a new 'photography project' involving some steamy cosplays.
"Yeah, we stink but I wouldn't go to the baths yet. I am starving like crazy after running around like that", said Dean to anybody who'd listen, shrugging. He didn't even bother to tend to his injuries after scourgifying himself. He's got Harry for that. Harry doesn't eat before he mends everyone's scratches and bruises. Harry shared the healing salve he always keeps on his person since he doesn't seem to run out of injuries even after the war. He blames quidditch, testosterone and Hermione for that. If he has some pills to cure crazy, he would risk his life again to shove it down her gullet.
"Amen to that, Dean" Said Ron who was already stuffing himself with chicken while Ginny turns her attention to him and started plucking feathers stuck in his back. Pansy, seeing this opportunity to practice becoming a loving wife, marches from the Slytherin table, shoves Ginny aside and began to conjure various tools to help make Ron presentable. In no time, Ron's spot transformed into a mini salon. While Pansy blow dries his hair, Ron reaches out to give her a spoonful of cake to eat while working. She smiles gratefully and chewed on her cake, vigorously working on his hair. Ginny shoots her a dirty look, shrugs and goes to the Slytherin table instead, finds Blaise and makes him fuss over her while she eats daintily. The Slytherin students can be seen unmoving, food halfway toward their mouths, agape in shock and confusion, not knowing what to do at times like this when a Gryffindor (and a Weasley at that!) sits at their table like nothing's amiss. They've been like that for a while now and Draco Malfoy, who wasn't at all disturbed, looks casually around the Hall to see if he has someone to clean up, too, doesn't find any bedraggled Grangers about, to his (secret!) disappointment, glares at his frozen housemates and tells them to eat their dang food already and that Weasleys aren't poisonous when they aren't added to soup anyhow.
Dean looks up from his food and checks to see if Ginny is alright among the snakes and was relieved when they didn't appear to be throwing hexes at her. His eyes accidentally lands on Daphne and she met his gaze, challenging him to dare her to come over like those lovesick fools but he clearly doesn't care whatever she does and goes about eating his food with relish. Daphne was clearly stunned that she misconstrued the look in his eyes and belatedly realized that he wasn't even intending to stare at her. Worst of all, he was indifferent. That stung. She knows that she is with Theo despite the marriage law but their relationship wouldn't last long anyway because, unlike Hermione, she doesn't actually have the guts to defy the law. Besides, she already accepted the fact that she would end up being married to Dean Thomas. Her relationship with Theo had already fizzled to smoke months ago at any rate and they are just taking their time to fool around for a few days more because they wouldn't have that luxury again in a few months' time. Sulking, she pushed her plate away and nursed her deflated ego.
Meanwhile at the Lion's table, the others who take hygiene very seriously are still trying to make themselves more presentable before touching their food. Cedric Diggory, who was at the staff table, spotted a disheveled Luna (fussed over by Lavender and Parvati), hurries over to their table and took charge in taking care of her. He remained in Hogwarts because he is worried about his intended since she is still associating with the frizzy-haired trouble-maker, so he took a leave of absence from the quidditch team and becomes the assistant flying coach for the time being. Parvati and Lavender sighs at the display of affection while Luna keeps trying to tell him that she's fine and to go away but he ignores her and continue fixing her hair.
"Aww… They're so adorable!" swooned Parvati, eyes glued at the lovebirds while bumping her way to her spot on the dining table, picks a sandwich, still looking at the couple. Lavender joins her, suddenly feeling ravenous.
"If I am not so hungry, *munch* I would've conjured a parchment and quill *munch* to write a play by play account of their movements *munch munch* right now for reference. *gulps juice* My fanfic should be at least realistic… *wipes mouth* then, maybe, *nom nom* I could even have it published on Witch Weekly!", said Lavender, tearing at her pork ribs. "Look at me! I'm reduced to eating like a bloody savage because of Ms. Wackadoodle! Oh, I'm so famished, I could eat England…" she continued with her mouth full while memorizing Lunadric's movements. Talking, eating, and spinning a story in her head all at the same time? Parvati is almost proud of her. Who would've thought that she's capable of multi-tasking?
Cedric is now becoming overbearingly motherish as he shoves more food into Luna's plate thinking about how she must be so traumatized. I mean, birds the size of an elephant, itchy feathers and sharp beaks! She needs more food to settle her obviously queasy stomach and oh, dear, he spotted another tuft of feather on her nape… that sweet, smooth nape, wondering what it's gonna be like when he finally gets the chance to kiss it… Luna smacks his wandering hands and elbows him hard in the stomach. She must be weak or he has an incredibly hard stomach because he doesn't move an inch and only smirks to hide his impish thoughts.
"Stop giving me more food! I can't eat all that… and Blibbering Humdingers! There is no feather left on my collar, shove off!" cried Luna who was perfectly fine till he came lumbering towards her in what she thinks is an unnecessary concern. Honestly, she could take care of herself! She didn't survive the war for nothing and honestly, her friends are protective enough.
"But my lovely poochy pie, I'm just taking care of you!" he said in that cheesy baritone of his while wiggling his eyebrows. He is doing it out of real concern but he can't help trying to fluster her anyway. Oh no, she stops eating! He picked up her spoon and coaxed her to eat another bite. Luna bites his hand instead.
While Cedric is trying not to scream like a girl in front of the woman who is currently trying to severe his hand from his wrist, Harry is looking at a very uncomfortable Neville while eating his pumpkin pie. The poor bloke is trying to mend his tattered clothes. Neville seems to have taken the most damage in terms of clothing. The others sported slightly ripped clothes, a missing collar here, a lost sleeve there, but he looks like he was homeless his entire life. His robe was discarded somewhere and his shirt is frayed beyond recognition. His pants have a lot of holes in it, too. Harry wants to help but he is too exhausted and needs to replenish his strength with food. He doesn't even bother with spoon and just used wandless magic to put food in his mouth.
Now, Neville, frustrated that his mending spells doesn't seem to work, manages to vanish his shirt completely. "Oh, Merlin!", he shouted in anger, not noticing the appreciative stares he got from the girls (and some boys) directed in his unexpectedly toned body. How did they miss such a delightful spectacle before? He is still seething from his lost shirt but he still can't eat. He is itching to mend his pants like the clean freak he is. He is trying to ignore his compulsion to do anything about it because it might suffer the same fate as his shirt but he can't seem to take his eyes off the holes and tattered pieces of cloth hanging around its edges and, oh, he can't take it anymore, so he tries mending it reluctantly with his eyes closed, wishing for Pete's sake that he wouldn't find it vanished to oblivion. After he swished his wand this way and that in what he thinks is the right way to restore his pants to its former glory, he carefully opened an eye and takes a look at his handiwork. Bloody simpering gargoyles! Would the humiliation never end? In place of pants, a tattered skirt appeared somehow, and cripes! Its breezy down there. In fact, it's too breezy… He prayed very hard to all the gods that it isn't what he thinks it is, then surreptitiously pulled at the waistband to peek inside, and lo and behold! His undergarments are gone! He seriously considered fainting.
"Umm, do you need help? You look like you need it right now."
Neville glanced at his savior, trying really hard not to burst into tears and saw a very red Cho Chang who was looking at her fingernails while sneakily peeking at his abs and biceps now and then. Neville just nods, feeling that words aren't needed much at this point.
"Here you go", said Cho Chang handing him a shirt she transfigured from her hankie. The Ravenclaw is quiet brilliant with transfiguration.
"Thanks", mumbled Neville who took it eagerly and wore it. It's a bit tight but he'll take anything. Cho is still there, waiting for Neville to ask her help in transfiguring his skirt back to pants when a gust of wind blew his short skirts enough for Cho to witness something she shouldn't. She panicked, pointed her wand at his skirts, chanting the spell that would make him decent again but she was too distracted and poof! There goes his skirt… with no replacement this time.
Cho was tremendously mortified at her blunder and quick as a flash, tries very hard to block Neville's privates becoming very public knowledge because, dammit, it's hers for the taking according to the law and oh, how thankful she is towards that blessed law. Dean, who was enjoying Neville's predicament, determined that the poor guy is embarrassed enough so he silently took off his robes, gave it to Cho who frantically wrapped it around his waist. They are attracting more attention now and she can't stop hugging his waist to keep the robe in place because Neville seems to be petrified, his eyes lost focus from too much shock and he can't seem to make his limbs move so he could flee the country.
"Er… you better take him to the dorms, Cho Chang", said a very impressed Lavender. Who knew that Neville is keeping such a BIG secret? Luna walked over to them, tapped Neville with her wand and cast a Disillusionment Charm on him (so no one will see him in all his naked glory) and went back to her seat with dreamy eyes. No mistaking her brain taking her to a LONG disturbing path. Cedric promptly tugged her hair to take her back to the present, looking very annoyed, seriously thinking about flashing her so she would forget about Neville's goodies. His was better anyway, his male pride sang.
Cho Chang didn't waste time and ushered him to the Gryffindor tower despite Harry's offer to escort Neville himself. They didn't return to eat dinner that night.
Hermione entered the Great Hall smiling, feeling smug. She went to the Gryffindor table to eat as if nothing happened. Every one of her friends directed nasty looks at her direction, including those who defected to other tables, but she just shrugged it off and reached for her plate and proceeded to stuff it with anything she could get her hands on.
"Oh, my, do go on and don't mind the reek coming from us poor creatures and have a nice meal won't you? Turn a blind eye on our tattered clothes like the peasants we are and gorge yourself fat!" seethed Parvati. For someone who just did something nasty, she sure looks anything but remorseful.
Hermione just smirks feeling very proud of herself.
"Yeah, why don't you choke on that pumpkin juice? After you half-massacred your friends who was only trying to help you get professional diagnosis on your mental health, you just sit there as if it's a perfectly splendid day to eat roast mutton!" Wow, Lavender is on a roll today. What else would she accuse Hermione of doing? Set the school on fire? Enslave mankind? Pfftt. Someone should really remind her that when the birds were sent loose, she was at the very front of the fleeing students, jinxing those gaining on her to keep her place at the fore, only thinking about herself and how she would sacrifice her entire friends just to keep them between her and the savage birds. Ron, one her victims, rolled his eyes at her.
"Massacre, Lavender? Really?" Hermione chortled.
"Or would you prefer attempted mass murder?" asked Harry, very put off. Hermione made a face at him. Lavender must be rubbing off on him.
"Why can't you just use normal magic like normal wizards do? Why do you have to tweak spells and make it difficult trying to get rid of it? How can birds be that huge?!" moaned Ron who was developing another phobia aside from spiders. Pansy who was finished grooming him and is now eating primly (a stark contrast from her husband-to-be), is trying not to gape at Hermione in amazement, realizing the source of the commotion earlier, and throws her a dirty look to support Ron's side.
"Nice touch making those birds drop rancid eggs. Mind teaching me that spell? I'm itching to try it on someone else", remarked a nonchalant Dean, though battered from the experience, is still very impressed by her alteration to the Impugno spell.
"Oh, God, no… not another super-villain in the making!" said Lavender, theatrically massaging her temples. Dean pointedly looks at her, trying to make her realize that he meant to target her. After Lavender all but thrown him to the sharks earlier, it's quite a feat how he's not yet hexing her.
"Sure. I can even teach you how to make it according to your specifications, instead of dropping eggbombs, you can make their feathers sharp…" replied Hermione, no doubt already working through another alteration of the spell on her mind.
"Cause nothing makes it better than adding personal touches… brilliant as always", Cedric commented drily. He is still at the Gryffindor table annoying Luna. "But you're crazy. An absolute lunatic."
Hermione snorted at that remembering Lavender's name for the couple.
"Stop snorting like a pig. And stay away from Luna. You're obviously a bad influence", he finished, protectively putting an arm (the one with the teeth marks) around Luna's shoulders which she slaps away.
"You don't get to tell me what to do. And I like Hermione. If it wasn't for this stupid law, I would've married her instead!" cried an indignant Luna. Ron's got that scandalized look on his face while Lavender just got an idea for her fanfic involving a weird love triangle. The rest snickered at Cedric's offended expression.
"Tell me, do I have to be worried about girls, too? And here I thought I'd guard you from guys who might hit on my bride to be! You have got to get used to the idea that we belong together." said Cedric in all seriousness, dramatic as always. Hermione wonders what kind of film he is watching because he's kind of a sap. Not to mention that his timing is way off. Discussing his future with Luna, who still reeks of rancid eggs after being chased by wild bird, tsk… really romantic. Why don't he give her a bouquet of dead fish to cap it off?
Harry coughed loudly, trying to break the suddenly awkward atmosphere. "So, Hermione, how was your visit to Dumbledore's office?"
"Horrible. He sang!" Hermione said, remembering her counseling with Dumbledore. That got their attention.
"Ugh", they all grimaced.
That was enough for her friends to forgive her and call it even. All of them have the terrible experience of having heard the Headmaster singing. You usually get nightmares afterwards. And they did stupefy Hermione twice this day after all.
Dispelling the thought and the events that just happened, they tuck in for second helpings, thirds in Dean's case and fourths in Ron's, because nothing could make the stomach emptier than being chased by wild birds.
After they finished eating, the group walked towards the hallway (Padma passed by them, pointedly ignoring Hermione, with Collin in tow) looking forward to a long, nice bath to scrub the stench out, burn their clothes and get some much-needed sleep. Alas, to their dismay comes the Slytherin prince and his posse (with Ginny, who is wearing a green tie, walking hand in hand with Blaise, who is- surprise, surprise!- wearing a red tie).
"I was wondering who the hell reeks like the gutters, but, turns out, I didn't really need to guess that it's you Gryffindorks.", remarked Draco Malfoy, covering his nose in mock contempt.
"Sod off, Malfoy", said an irritated Ron. It's been a long day and he just wants to rest.
"Leave him alone. It's bad enough that you are barring our way."
"Pansy, dear, that's not the way to the dungeons. We go the other way, remember?" said Daphne condescendingly. It's disconcerting for her to see Pansy tagging along with the Golden trio.
"Hmm, funny thing is, I'm taking a side trip… if you know what I mean", Pansy winked at her, smiling at the thought of helping a certain red head scrub his, um, his back. Yeah, just his back. Daphne got the idea and shook her head. Sometimes Pansy could be so aggressive. Heh, who the hell is she kidding? Pansy is always aggressive.
"Ooh… looks like someone is getting lucky tonight... Do learn from your parent's mistake, Weasley, and use birth control." Theo teased Ron who is turning pink from embarrassment, he didn't even notice the insult at the thought of Pansy scrubbing his, um, his back. Right. Now, he's trying to keep from drooling.
"Quit nosing on someone else's business, dickhead. Ginny, you coming? ", Lavender defended Ron.
"Er, not yet."
"Ugh, are you taking a side trip, too?" asked a disgusted Dean.
"Why, you jealous?" asked Blaise in return, a bit threateningly while Daphne narrows her eyes at him. Ginny rolled her eyes. Boys.
"What's it to you if I am?" bristled Dean, assuming the usual defense position. One by one the gang lined up to face the Snakes, forming the infamous Ring of Verbal Combat (so named by the students of Hogwarts who're used to the sight and yet can't get enough of) where they exchange barbs and expletives without physically injuring each other, er, at least, not too badly.
And so the hallway rang with insults traded from both sides, as per tradition. Cedric, Luna, Harry and Ginny stayed out of it, preferring to watch at the sidelines. It's like a bad sitcom on repeat but still fascinating to watch because of the colorful words they used, though they feel like washing their ears with acid afterwards.
After all the usual insults and mandatory comebacks were said, the participants of the banter were waiting for Harry The Peacemaker to intervene already because they're running out of swearwords to use. Harry waited for a few minutes more to make sure that they're squeezed out of words before he stepped up and stood in the middle.
"Okay, that's enough mockery. You are slimy gits, we're awesome twits, blah, blah, blah, now get out of our sight and go on your merry way." Harry said, feeling a headache coming on. He's already itching to get a hot shower. Literally itching.
The rest of the students subtly sighed in relief that it is over and done with for the day. They noted that they'd need more research to widen their offensive vocabulary if Harry took that long to break up the fight for them again the next time they face-off.
"Fine, fine. You losers need to get out of my space so I could breathe clean air again, anyway," said Draco, wanting to say the last words.
"At least they can scrub the reek off of them after showering. Can't say the same to a certain slimy git…", Hermione retaliated, determined to be the one to put in the last word since it indicates winning in her book.
Harry and the rest (Slytherin and Gryffindors alike) looked at each other groaning, already predicting what's coming next. Sure enough, Draco and Hermione continued the battle of wits, since their cohorts were all knackered-out, still aflame with stinging invectives. Would this day never end? Sometimes there are a lot of setbacks in having such a brainy friend. They never run out of things to say.
"Hah! That slimy git you're talking about happens to be the one you'll marry in the future, bush-head, so go suck on that!"
"Well, if not for the law, I wouldn't have to and I've just failed to 'assasinate' the Minister of Magic…"
"Hah! I knew it!" exclaimed Lavender. The Slytherins, ears perking up, began to take interest.
"Sarcasm, Lavender. And, anyway, I don't see you try anything to escape the appalling fate…"
"You tried to kill the Minister?" interrupted Draco, feeling very insulted. She seemed to take great lengths just so she could avoid getting married to him.
"Of course I didn't. I was just thinking of replacing him with someone more sympathetic to my plight… I'm not that heartless you know." Explained Hermione. Like that makes it better.
"Not that heartless, my ass. You tried to kill me third year!" accused Draco, remembering the time when Hermione socked him in the face. Nobody seemed to remember that she hexed him that same night and he ended up throwing up slugs in the infirmary… she also gave him rat ears, which refused to be restored to normal for weeks. Now the Gryffindors and Luna began paying attention, too. Cedric is just too busy looking at Luna to bother with childish fights.
"Oh, would you shut up about that already, you crybaby… That was years and years ago!"
"Crybaby?! Well, you're a prissy, barbed wires for hair, know-it-all!"
"I'm sorry, should I be offended? Keep recycling old insults that have ceased to mean anything anymore, why don't you?"
"I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you!"
"Well, you're doing such a banged up job at that. Congratulations! Pity, I don't really care."
"Really? Oh, yes, you only care about your boring books and that squashed-face, ugly cat who is the only one willing enough to sleep with you!"
The Gryffindors grew very still at that comment. This is very bad. You don't insult Crookshanks in Hermione's face. Especially if said cat is already dead.
Hermione whips her wand really fast, her eyes flashing, yelling, "Not my Crookshanks!, Not Crookshanks!". She was about to utter a spell (to Draco's horror) when fast as a snitch came the savior Harry with his robes billowing around him like a cape, snatching Hermione's wand hand. His eyes where terrible to behold and you can sense the terrible storm brewing ahead, flashes of lightning were actually sighted around him.
"Enough!", he declared in his booming voice.
Well, it has gone long enough so the kids and the busybodies scattered like the wind, fleeing for their lives lest they got caught in the fray, no one wants that, of course, he slew Voldy after all. Hermione and Harry were the only ones who remained in the hallway. Malfoy was already gone, out of her reach. Wise move.
"You can drop my hand now, Harry" Hermione said quietly, weighing his mood. She is afraid of the Chosen One sometimes, especially when he cannot tolerate her behavior anymore.
Harry sighs and says, "Well, you have done enough mischief for one day, Hermione. Plotting to overthrow the Minister, terrorizing your own friends… I mean, I don't really object you trashing Malfoy but for God's sake, do it where no one actually witnesses it! I'd hate for you to be expelled and let loose hail and brimstones all over Hogwarts. "
Hermione exhaled, relieved that Harry is still on her side. They leave the hall together arm in arm towards the Gryffindor tower laughing about the day's events, not noticing a hidden Astoria Greengrass, eyes full of wonder for the Boy-Who-Lived who just displayed such authority and oozed with manliness. She vowed that very day to stop following Draco Malfoy around and start taking the marriage law seriously.
That same night, Hermione brewed her latest scheme: upgrading extremely fetid dungbombs to their most petrifying power… Morning came and with it, a very disheveled Malfoy, who was running with all of his might as he was thoroughly hassled by Peeves, who was chasing and pelting him with some very familiar dungbombs. It took five tries until he hit the mark. Then out from the ashes rose a livid Malfoy, foul odor clinging to him like someone from the dead , who was raised… and killed a second time, then a third, for that is the only explanation one could think of about the stench profaning the air. Peeves cackled ruthlessly while everyone could not go far enough away to avoid him. He himself is horrified and dashed to the Prefect's bathroom and proceeded to wash himself thoroughly. He won't be going out for a very long time.
At the same time, at a different tower, a certain Head master choked on a poo-flavored bean and the Minister of Magic, who was having tea with him, suddenly had a very strong urge to excuse himself, went straight to the loo and emitted the same fetid stench that Malfoy is struggling with.
Somewhere in the Gryffindor tower, a very satisfied witch, empty U-No-Poo potion and Bertie Bot's every Flavored bean lying about her room, slept on peacefully.
