Chapter Four
The boat ride continued to be rocky for the rest of the journey to Bamboo Island. Gina lay without strength on Rick's chest and he soothed her by stroking her back. As the speedboat slowed and crawled towards the beach, the water turned so clear one could see the pristine white sand on the bed of the sea. It was like a dream.
Rick pointed this out to Gina silently and they exchanged a smile as they raveled in the beauty they had come all the way to experience (and that Gina had threw her breakfast up for).
Instinctively, Rick lifted his head and glanced across the boat at his detective. Kate sat with one long leg tucked under the other, and she half-faced the sea that surrounded the boat, staring serenely out into the edge where the ocean met the sky. Her left hand was stretched towards Josh, but she shared no other connection with anyone else. She seemed to have sunk in a universe of her own thoughts. Rick never wanted to get into another person's head so much. He blinked self-consciously as he realised what a familiar sentiment this was when it came to Kate. He was constantly wondering what filled the contents of her head and her heart.
Kate must have sensed his piercing eyes on her because she turned her head towards Rick, abandoning her lovely solitude. Her large olive orbs found his. For a long moment, neither of them moved from their electric gaze. His heart hammered loudly and blood rushed to his head. He hoped Gina had not realised.
Then, Kate smiled - a dazzling smile. His heartbeat resounded in his head and he felt like a sixteen-year-old in the corridors of a high school, the sensation so foreign he thought he would never feel it again. Before he could commit every crest and rise of her face to memory, Kate turned away again, leaning over the metal railing of the boat and inspecting the wonders of the waters.
Oh gosh, Rick. He thought how idiotic he must have seemed staring after her. He suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious, and increasingly uncomfortable with how Kate loomed over his thoughts.
He was not accustomed to having Kate and Gina in the same space. He was used to compartmentalising. Impress Kate at work; accompany Gina at home. But as he breathed in the both of them, he felt like the combination of them contaminated his air and poisoned his lungs. His idea of a relaxing time off with Gina to get away from the noise of New York was now destroyed by the largest distraction of all - in the form of a tall willowy brunette. Kate was like a splinter in his mind, and it hurt every time he tried to appeal to his good sense. All he wanted to do was reach out to touch her, especially when she gazed at him that way.
Rick wanted to exclaim that he did not understand. He had been as excited as a child on Christmas Day just yesterday as he celebrated his close proximity to the detective. Yet, now he only felt his stomach stir in discomfort, and he was sure it was not because of the boat ride. He wanted to be the confused kid told that Santa was not real. Oh, but it was all very real to him. In fact, the presence of Kate glossed all his senses and made it hyperreal. His feelings of white hot certainty were only matched by his resigned guilt. What was he doing?
Chat, the tour guide, moved from his seat to stand and he announced animatedly, "We're here on Bamboo Island!" The boat slowed to a halt correspondingly. He began talking about the island in more detail.
At this, Rick lowered his head to check on Gina and found to his surprise that she was staring at him. A sense of alarm shot through him. Her eyes were vacant and just for that moment, he knew that she caught his peculiar exchange with Kate. He wanted to look away, but it was like roadkill, and he could not bring himself to avert his eyes, as if Gina was his own personal collateral damage.
She blinked, and he thought a shadow of vulnerability passed in her eyes, before she cleared her throat and shifted her gaze.
He did not know what else to say but - "You okay?"
She nodded, pursing her lips so hard they were white. "This place is gorgeous."
"Yeah," was all Rick could muster.
People shifted around the boat as they made a move to climb down into the shallow waters towards the shore. With his arm around Gina's shoulders, Rick pulled the both of them up. She was stiff. They shuffled to the end of the speedboat as everyone filed out towards the beach, and they met with the last two passengers who happened to be Josh and Kate.
Kate stepped forward towards Gina while Josh fell into step beside Rick, as they climbed out into the water. The white sandy seabed lay around them and whirled around their feet as they walked. The soft beads of sand scampered between Rick's toes and he momentarily thought about how wonderful the feeling was.
He looked up to catch Josh's gaze. The first thing he noticed was how tall the man was. Rick had never seen himself as a scrawny person, but next to Josh he felt how Robin must have felt next to Batman. If he were to lose Kate to anybody, he guessed Josh would have been a good candidate. Oh God. Rick almost did a double take. Where did that thought come from? Kate was not his to lose or give. She was not his at all. Again, a hot flush of discomfort coursed through him and attacked him in the face.
"This is some place, huh?" Josh broke the silence, wonderment in his voice.
Rick nodded, "Some place indeed." His eyes found the two women strolling in front of him. They were talking but he could not hear their conversation. He remembered all of a sudden that the last time Kate and Gina met, Kate had uttered awkwardly, "I didn't think the two of you got along."
"Gina is very nice," Josh followed Rick's gaze. "Kate tells me she's your ex-wife?"
"Yeah," a laugh punctured Rick's reply. His relationship with Gina was always interesting to others. It was to him, for a while.
Finally, they arrived on the shore, where Chat gathered the bunch of them. The beach was peppered with only a few tourists, some swimming in the shallow end, and some sunbathing languidly on the white sand. Chat began, "This is called Bamboo Island because it used to be covered in bamboo trees. They have now all been cut away but the island is now being preserved as a national park."
"There aren't many water sports to do here, but you can snorkel, swim or just explore the beach. Please remember to use the life jackets when you snorkel! I'll be waiting for you here in two hours. We'll take the boat out to Phi Phi Don after this." Chat continued, "Please don't be late!"
The group began dispersing, while Rick turned to Gina. "Let's take a walk that way," she pointed towards an empty stretch of the uncorrupted beach. It was decidedly away from the rest of the crowds.
"Looks great," Rick agreed, smiling tentatively and trying to gauge whether Gina was unhappy. She started striding away quickly, and Rick dropped Kate and Josh a glimpse before he followed. They seemed to be occupied with snorkeling equipment.
Rick fell behind Gina, stepping into her footprints. She seemed to be going quicker and quicker, fueled by a burst of energy that looked suspiciously like anger. He rubbed his face tiredly. This was his fault. He quickened his pace to catch up, as they entered a completely deserted part of the shore.
"Gina!" He shouted. "Gina, please stop." He got up behind her and gently pulled at her shoulder.
She turned around violently to throw his hand from her shoulder. Her eyes were watered in fury, her lips pale, and her blonde hair whipping in the wind. She glared at him.
His arm fell by his side where it lay, as useless as he felt. "Are you okay?"
She suddenly laughed, a mirthless, empty laugh, that gave him a chill. "Am I okay? What a question. I can't take this anymore, Rick."
He wanted to ask, to prod. What couldn't she take anymore? But she deserved more than this. She did not need him to play ignorant. He had the responsibility to resolve this once and for all. How had it come to this? He wondered if he subconsciously saw this coming and sighed, simultaneously weary and remorseful. "I'm sorry, Gina. I really am." His words sounded hollow, and he felt like he was trying to speak underwater and he could not hear himself over his breathing.
"I suppose I've known for a while now," she said.
"That's a while longer than me then," Rick said, inspecting the angered face of the woman he once loved, and still do love, in a different way.
She started pacing, the way she did when she was stressed or annoyed at him. "I've wondered if it was a passing infatuation, and I've even contemplated ignoring it. In New York maybe I wouldn't have noticed, oh but Rick, the way you look at her."
His chest constricted as her voice became more shaky. He could not stand the way he had inadvertently hurt her.
"The way you look at her is just-" she stared out into the blue waters. "I never stood a chance."
"I do care about you, you know?"
She looked at him again and he realised her ice blue eyes had hardened. "Mm, if only that was enough. I need to stop being second place in your heart. First Alexis, now Beckett."
He wished he did not agree with her. He wished he could argue, tell her it was not true, assure her they could work through this. He wished he had stepped up and dealt with his confusion before she had to confront him and call him out on it.
"Gina, I wished the situation was different. I'm really sorry." All his words seemed inadequate to him, and the comfort he usually sought in his eloquence could not be found here.
She raked her thin hand through her hair, but it only messed her locks up more. She looked defeated. "I think I'm going to head back to Krabi now. I'll go down to the airport tomorrow and buy a ticket back to New York."
"Oh no, Gina, you don't have to leave," he pleaded.
"I have no business here."
"Gina..."
She was always headstrong. He could not let her return to New York alone. He conceded, "Okay, we'll head back together. I'll buy the tickets."
He wanted to reach out to comfort her, but she wrung her hands in exasperation and irritation. "No, I will fly back alone."
"Okay, let me go back to the hotel with you at least."
"Please, Rick, please. Do not follow me." Her tone was commanding, but her eyes leaked hurt. It was then that he saw how much it pained her to be with him. While it was now clear as day that his heart did not lie with her, it was still struck with sorrow that he had done this to her. He experienced a flash of self-hatred, that gathered at the pit of his stomach and threatened to jam his throat.
When he was unable to say anything in return, she stood looking at him silently for a while, cold and isolated as a statue in winter, though they were on a tropical beach. "I'll ask Chat to arrange a speedboat for me. It's nothing."
"You'll get seasick." He said worriedly.
"Nothing left in me," she said sadly, and they both knew she was not talking about the contents of her stomach.
Slowly, Gina walked past him and towards the row of speedboats haphazardly parked along the shoreline, where they had come from just a moment ago. Rick let her go, because this was a wish of hers he could grant, and he figured he owed her that.
He stood alone on the near empty beach, and the only sounds he could hear were his breathing and the rhythmic way the waves chipped along the shore of the island.
Hi guys! I feel like such a broken record when I apologise for infrequent updates, but I truly am sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter and do leave your comments, positive or not. Thank you!
