A/N: Continuation of the cliché arranged marriage arc.
Stfu's POV
Sakura wakes up to the musical chirps of—
Wait, what? Am I the only one who doesn't remember any indication of the girl sleeping in the first place? (Pause.) What do you mean it's implied? Nowhere in this fic did anybody mention—whoa, excuse me? AA, do not raise your voice at me.
We apologize. We're currently experiencing some technical difficulties.
Ahem, forget what I said earlier. AA has went out of her way to enlighten a naive, young grasshopper like me.
Please keep in mind that all readers are expected to be telekinetically talented and should be, without even being notified, aware that every second chapter of these kinds of fics begins with our protagonist waking up at 9 in the morning. In this case, it's especially obvious, because the first chapter concluded with a hug. All endings with a warm, familial hug must shift to 9 AM in the morning in the next chapter. Isn't that like the first golden rule all writers memorize before publishing anything?
Alright, continue, AA.
Sakura wakes up to the shimmering rays of sunlight beaming through—
Sorry, but what the hell happened to the musical chirps? (Pause.) Pardon? What do you mean the birds died? (Another pause.) AA, you never even mentioned that a missing nin was going around murdering every form of wildlife in the village of Kono—wait a damn minute…this fic's taking place in a completely modernized alternative universe; what are missing ninjas and Konoha doing here? (AA speaks gibberish.) Ah, I see, so it's another golden rule…
Excuse the interruption. Let's proceed.
Sakura's POV
I usually like waking up to the sun's invigorating rays. I find them refreshing. But not today. Because today, oh today, today, today. Today is the day; it's… today is, wow—today is today. TODAY is… the day I meet my future husband.
Here's when five to six readers try to count how many times the word today appeared.
But wait, the meaningful repetition is far from over.
'Cause today is gonna be one helluva dreadful day. Today will determine my status, family tree, income, future, destiny, fate, death, afterlife, and reincarnation. Today is the turning point of my mediocre life of 20 years. Today, I evolve. Like a beautiful cherry blossom on the first day of spring. Or a pokemon.
Stfu's POV
Just when I think AA can't possibly destroy this story even further, she proves me wrong. I'll be dominating the POV sections for now. Honestly, does Sakura's part even make sense?
Our beloved pink head wakes up, falls off her bed, and spends an hour trying to look presentable. Only after she finishes grooming do her parents call her downstairs for breakfast. 'Cause when our main character is doing something important, all side characters in the story freeze in space and time until said person is finished before any multi-character interaction can be initiated.
Sakura runs to the kitchen (critical thinking question: where's the dining room?) for breakfast, feeling moody and pathetic. She complains about how arranged marriages are mean and cruel and not nice and not kind. Clearly, somebody has been working on her vocabulary.
Sakura's parents react with utmost sympathy, repeating, "I'm sorry, honey, but life just isn't fair sometimes!" and other sugary phrases that share an equivalent meaning with "Suck it up". Their daughter murmurs something about not looking forward to the meeting with her fiancé, although we all know that the exact opposite holds truth.
But we've done enough talking. Let's do some walking.
The three are teleported by a random person (the missing nin, perhaps?) and find themselves in front of the Uchiha manor. Yes, the Uchiha manor. Bet you didn't see that coming, SasuSaku fans! They make their way up the steps and through the entrance, staring with horror at the brutally sliced, twisted corpses littering the floor and the two Uchiha brothers standing in the middle of everything—holy shit, sorry; wrong fic.
Anyway, the Haruno bunch shuffles toward the mansion, and knocks on its fancy door politely. It opens.
Chaos ensues.
"You!"
"Hn."
"You're that kid!"
"Hn."
"What in the world are you doing here?"
"Hn."
"Oh no—don't tell me…you're…" Her eyes widen in a really unattractive way.
Uchiha Sasuke raises an eyebrow at the ugly sight. "I'm?"
Sakura points a menacing but beautifully manicured finger (her nail polish is pink and green; you'll probably never guess why) at the man, and turns to her parents in devastation. "He…h-he's…" She gulps.
Her parents blink once, then twice. Then holy crap, thrice. Just to build up enough suspense for the readers.
"A stalker!" she screams.
Sasuke refuses to let his icy exterior crack. "Pardon?"
Sakura, still facing her perplexed mommy and daddy, nods her head wildly. "He's been following me all day! By the tree, by the flowers, by the cherry blossoms… just everywhere!"
A sphere of Chidori is on the verge of blasting through a certain girl's pink head. "Haruno Sakura-san, those were all located at a single place."
The girl shrieks incomprehensible Japanese dialogue. "You…you even know…my name?" She whips her head back to her parents, who were told (by AA, I assume) to keep silent for the past few minutes to allow some uber kawaii bickering between the two teens. "He even knows my name!"
Her mother, suddenly able to reappear into the conversation again, simply smiles. "Well, of course he does, honey!"
Her father's mouth is miraculously able to move as well. "He's your fiancé after all!"
Sakura's POV
OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. How could this—OH MY GOSH. This is ABSURD. WHY AM I CAPITALIZING AND BOLDING AND ITALICIZING MY WORDS? That's totally like a triple violation of the fundamental writing style techniques within the English language in the FF world.
But still, oh my dear gosh—I must be the unluckiest girl in the history of beautiful and unlucky girls. What could've possibly lead to this devastating course of events? To be engaged to that…THAT—that immaturely arrogant, but kind of really, really handsome, little bastard!
Sasuke's POV
Stfu and AA are in every mental, physical, psychological, psychoanalytical, technical, literal, figurative, philosophical, mathematical, scientific, biological, and genetic way inferior to me, and therefore cannot write from my point of view.
Stfu's POV
Sasuke, the mere fact that you're able to say all that proves that we just wrote through your perspective.
Anyway, according to Book of Golden Cliché Rules, we must shift from the two lovebirds' first official encounter directly to the night before their wedding day. So shift, we shall!
Sakura's POV
It is 9 PM.
I am in my bed.
I am trying to sleep.
I am trying to function properly.
I am trying to think of more meaningless one-liners in an attempt to prolong my POV section.
Sasuke-kun and I are getting married.
TOMORROW.
OH MY GOSH.
Stfu's POV
Sakura sits up from her resting position, crawls not head first, but elbow first to the floor, dragging her blanket and pillow down with her in the process, temporarily strangles herself in the mess, resurfaces after ten painful seconds, manages a cartwheel in the opposite direction, and finally squirms toward her bedside table to grab her phone. Don't ask why she didn't just directly bring her arm to the nightstand from her seat on the bed.
Sakura dials a number she's memorized by heart and by toes, and holds the electronic up to her ear.
After half an hour or so, the call finally gets through and a stingy voice says, "Explain how and why your phone call is worth pausing my manicure, pedicure, and facial care package session for and maybe I won't hang up too rudely."
"Ino, my wedding's tomorrow."
There's an explosion, a scream, and a sound of an enthusiastic vacuum cleaner. "I'll be right over."
What inevitably follows is a series of doorbell rings, a tearful reunion, an hour of an intense Q&A session, another hour of screaming and prancing and clasping hands, and three hours of planning for the ah-mazing wedding. Sakura's parents are unaware of all these events because AA most likely prescribed them deadly sleeping pills the previous night.
"We have to go shopping," Ino says, a half-manicured hand running through her long ponytail.
Sakura lets out an obnoxiously shrill giggle. "You silly pig! I already got my dress. What kind of bride would I be—"
"It's for me." Ino clicked her tongue in slight annoyance. "I don't have my dress."
The bride-to-be blinks. "…Oh."
And so they're off, on a cab to the nearest open mall at 6 AM in the morning.
They return to Sakura's house by around 4 PM or so, all set. Dresses, check. Jewels, check. Purses, check. Perfume, check. Right high heels, check. Left high heels—
"OH MY GOSH." Sakura throws a purple brick at the floor in extreme panic. "Ino, where is my left shoe?"
Ino admires the brick's fascinating color. "How am I supposed to know?"
"…OH MY—"
"Oh, wait!" Ino offers to help for once. "You dropped it in the cab."
Sakura's face muscles freeze. "And. You. Didn't. Tell. Me."
Ino whips out a nail file and gets to work. "Well, it wasn't my shoe, so I didn't think it was too important, and therefore didn't feel the need to make a scene, dear."
"You. Self. Conceited. Little. Bitch."
WWIII initiates.
Stfu's POV
Fortunately, despite the two misleading words within the previous line breaks, the cat fight comes to an end with zero character deaths, the only real casualty being Sakura's left silver high heel. To the blonde drama queen's dismay, Sakura takes back the invitation and threatens her with a restraining order and another purple brick. Therefore, Ino marches toward a grassy plain somewhere in the mountains and complains to a sleeping Shikamaru, while Sakura finds herself with no bridesmaid(s).
Sakura never manages to find her shoe or a maid in time for the wedding, but figures that her dress is long enough to cover her feet anyway, and therefore uses a brown Ugg boot as a replacement for it. For the shoe, not the maid. Needless to say, this results in some serious balance issues, and Sakura falls nearly eight times during her catwalk down the aisle. Fortunately, all the wedding guests are too preoccupied with the sight of Uchiha Sasuke to notice the pink head's strange dance moves.
Hot damn, Sasuke looks almost edible in that tuxedo.
Anyway, after an hour or so, Sakura finally makes it to her fiancé's side safely, and they exchange vows.
And now, I hereby present to all of ya'll the moment ya'll all been waiting for. Hold on to your pants, guys.
The bald and holy wedding minister parts his lips. "You may now kiss the—"
"I OBJECT."
Sakura twirls around to glare at the intruding troll. "OH MY GOSH," she automatically screeches her one and only script line and rushes off the aisle with a ludicrous smile and open arms. "You…you f-f-found…MY LEFT HEEL."
"YOU BET I DID," Ino replies with equally irritating capitalization. "Now take that hideous Ugg boot off. Ugh, I can't believe you survived with that on."
Sakura kicks it off and steps into her left silver heel. She tears up, and then Ino tears up, and then the two share an intimate embrace. Ahem, calling all yuri fans!
Anyway, after that unexpected SakuIno moment, time is no longer frozen and Sasuke is back in the story.
"You may now kiss the bride."
So Sasuke does.
(Extremely long pause.)
AA, I let you handle a kiss scene for once, I repeat, for once in your entire writing career, because I feel exceptionally generous today, and this is the crap you give me? The word kiss doesn't even appear during the kiss scene! What kind of bullcrap is this? I quit. I quit TODAY. Today, I quit. Today, I—oh, today, today…TODAY, I—
He kisses her.
His tongue protrudes from his mouth excitedly as it licks the corner of her moist lips, begging for entrance at first, but violently thrusting past her teeth an impatient second later. Their tongues dance hungrily, desperately, and lustfully. It's violating and it hurts; more pain is derived from it than pleasure, but Sakura couldn't have asked for more. The kiss is beautiful. Sakura allows the awaiting streams of dampness to flow from her emerald eyes because she finally realizes that the man before her at this very moment is the prince charming she has been waiting for all along. He only envelopes his arms around her more tightly, possessively, and—
OH MY GOSH. AA, you…YOU—you…
We apologize. We're again experiencing some technical difficulties.
A/N: Arranged marriage arc's complete.
