I would suggest watching Undercover before this chapter as there is a conversation relating to it, but if you don't have it to hand, track down a recap on-line as it might be useful.
Thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing and following. It's so great to be able to get these plot bunnies out of my head and to share them with Liv and El fans :-) Things wont be easy for Liv and El in the next two chapters, but it'll all work itself out - don't worry because I love these two!
Elliot had spent an unfathomable length of time doing nothing at all except grow hungry and tired. He was pissed off - they were falling too easily into traps that they should have been able to anticipate, but what pissed him off the most was the separation from Olivia. Not knowing exactly how long he had been locked in the room he was imprisoned in, and not knowing exactly what was happening to her. That fact bothered him the most - with an escalating intensity that began to consume his thoughts. He needed to get out of here and find her, he needed to know that she was OK.
He had little to do but think, and Olivia's reaction when Emery had got too close worried him. He couldn't shake the unnerving feeling that he had seen that response before - too many times, in victims. He needed to see her, needed to get her to talk to him, because not knowing what she was going through - in her physical absence from him at that moment, or what she was trying to deal with without letting him in - it was too much. He had to tell her that she needed to let him in - needed to talk to him, and he didn't understand why she felt she had to shut him out when she was so clearly hurting.
Emery had entered four times - Elliot couldn't be sure if this was once a day or maybe twice a day - with no windows and no other indications of the passing of time, he only had his gnawing hunger to go by. Each time Emery had entered he had sat down in front of him and stared with a scrutinizing curiosity as he asked Elliot to repeat the details of the traumatic event that had led him there. Elliot tried hard to stick to the story, but after repeating it over and over again, and being asked to describe details repeatedly - he was beginning to forget the scenario they had agreed...
The next time that Emery entered, Elliot was calm but cautious as he watched him carrying a cup, walk over and place it down in front of him.
"Water?" Emery offered.
"Just water, or are you gonna drug me again?" he replied sardonically.
"Just water, I assure you," Emery said as he offered it to him.
Elliot took the cup and glanced and the clear liquid it contained before putting the cup to his dry lips and drinking it quickly. He knew it would be better to sip it slowly, but he was too thirsty to bother.
"Let's start," Emery said.
"Tell me again, why we are doing this? Over and over - the same words?" Elliot asked.
"The more you relive a trauma, describing it down to details you couldn't even recall - the more it becomes meaningless, and you are free from it."
"How can I describe details I can't recall?" Elliot said.
"I can help you reach inside your mind and see anything," Emery said.
"Right...anything you want me to see?"
"Only what needs to be seen."
Elliot sighed. He knew Emery was trying to plant things in his mind - change his memories by confusing and changing the way he remembered it. It was a technique that would have been causing confusion by now had Elliot's fabricated scenario actually been real.
Eliot was tired of playing the game now. This time he remembered which small details Emery was trying to change - it was subtle, but he picked up on it quickly. He would ask him to describe everything about the surroundings,; the colours of cars, what he was wearing, the colour of Olivia's shirt, and the sound of a dog barking after the gun shots had silenced. Elliot realised which details Emery was trying to change and gave him what he wanted, repeating the story back to him, with the changed details put in. Emery had seemed pleased and left soon after, happy with his apparent progress in altering Elliot's memory.
Elliot rested his head back against the wall and sighed in frustration - he was playing the game and convincing Emery that he was letting him alter his thoughts and memories, but with no food and little water, he didn't know how long he could keep the charade up.
PRECINCT
Cragen had invited Munch and Fin to join him with the agents from the FBI who had arrived the day before. While waiting for the agents to join them, they convened in an interview room - sitting around a table. Cragen observed the others - he was sure he looked as tired as they did - none of them had left the precinct other than to pick up food in the past four days, taking turns sleeping in the cribs. He was deeply concerned - the operation had gone very wrong, very quickly, and he needed his detectives pulled out fast - he would just have to find them first.
Cragen gestured to the two remaining chairs as the agents entered and sat down. After brief introductions they quickly began.
"OK people, we are all well aware the situation. We have had no contact from either Detective Benson or Detective Stabler since we lost their signal - that was four days ago - Detective Munch," he said, gesturing toward John, "has attended a meeting, but it's ground level infiltration - we don't know how long it could take him to get trusted enough by these people to get anything useful."
"We are trying to locate where Olivia's contact was staying. She had been seeing him for three months, so he must have stayed somewhere within a reasonable distance from here. We've checked her email account but there are very few personal emails. We have her home computer in TARU now," Munch said.
"What about cell phones?" Cragen asked. "Where are we on that?"
"She has two," Fin said, looking toward the FBI agents, "one work and one personal - both are being checked along with her computer. If there's any communication between them that could indicate where he might have taken them, our guys will find it."
"A search had been conducted of Detective Benson's apartment - there are no other leads there, so her computer and cell phone are all we can go on right now. She was quite thorough in updating me with everything she knew about them, so unfortunately I don't think she would have missed anything. Detective Stabler had no prior connection to Robert Larson or the group," said Cragen.
An hour later, and the FBI had left to retrace the route their van took to try to determine the point that the signal had been lost. The squad room was quieter now, while Fin and Munch were sitting at their desks reading through print outs of Oliva's emails. Cragen sat at his desk, watching them from across the room - he knew they couldn't all keep going with so little sleep, but he knew also that suggesting either of them go home to get some proper rest would be futile. His team were a family - and despite any issues that Fin and Elliot had over the years, Fin was working just as hard to trace him as he was Olivia. None of them would rest until Elliot and Olivia were home.
SANCTUM RETREAT - TWO DAYS LATER
Elliot opened his eyes, aware from the stiffness in his joints that he had fallen asleep sitting against the wall on the hard floor. He felt as though he could sleep for days and days, and that thought awakened him when he started to wonder what could have roused him when he felt so exhausted.
Hearing raised voices outside the door, he got to his feet as quickly as possible, hoping for an attempt to get through the door, sick of playing the game anymore. The hunger was oddly wearing off now, but the slight dehydration battled against him, as he placed a hand on the wall to steady himself.
The door was quickly pulled open and Emery and another man entered. Elliot's heart dropped at the sight before him. They half dragged Olivia in through the door with them - each man had a tight hold on her upper arms and Emery roughly pulled her from the other man's grasp, nodding at him. He nodded back and left, but remained standing outside the door.
"I knew you were here to dig for dirt on my utopia, I intended to convert you both - I offered Olivia the chance to transcend but she chose to resist."
He tightened his grip on her arms, as she remained still, her face turned away from Elliot's worried gaze, and her long hair falling forward, as her head slightly slumped.
"Liv, are you alright?" Elliot said, his voice immediately taking a panicked tone that he could not hide.
As Elliot stepped toward her, Emery gripped her harder and threw her with force against him, knocking him down as her body hit him hard, taking them both down.
Elliot rolled her gently onto her back as she moaned slightly, her eyes closed as they brimmed with tears. Smoothing her damp hair away from her face gently he immediately noticed bruises scattered across her face, arms and neck. His anger at her condition rose quickly, as he stood.
"What the hell did you do to her you son of a bitch?" Elliot shouted.
"Calm down Elliot," smiled Emery. "You've been doing so well, you can both still have a life here - but you need to decide whether you are going to be honest with me now. I know why you two are really here," he paused, his voice lowering, "I could just end you both - but I thought it would be far more fun to change you - watch you transcend - to take you into our family here."
He stepped closer as he stared down at them, "you will be evidence of my greatness."
As Elliot stood quickly and lunged toward him, Emery walked around him and Elliot froze as he pulled out Olivia's bracelet from his pocket, holding it up and dangling in front of Elliot's eyes.
"GPS? Ingenious, disguising it this way...but I wonder if this is all you have...your only link to the outside world?" he laughed as he dropped it to the floor, stamping on it.
Elliot stared at the crushed bracelet on the floor, in his peripheral vision he was aware of Olivia, lying on the ground. He felt a sudden pang of despair as his mind raced with the possibilities: if the squad couldn't track them down…
"I will leave you two alone for now - to get reaquainted, tomorrow you can sleep with the others. You'll be more comfortable there, and you can both begin to integrate into our daily life here. You will be closely supervised at first however - you are still contaminated from the outside world, and I cannot risk either of you influencing any of my people here. Olivia won't try to escape again, I assure you of that - I suggest you don't either, because if you do it will be her who pays for it, not you," he paused, a sadistic smile forming, "I have a feeling that could be quite an effective threat."
He left the room, closing the door and Elliot turned immediately to Olivia, dropping to the ground beside her as he slipped an arm under her shoulders, lifting her slightly so that he could pull her into his arms.
"Liv, are you OK?" he whispered. His heart thudded hard and fast as he held her close to him, looking at her face. She opened her eyes, not meeting his as she struggled to sit up.
"Woah Liv, slow down, don't try to get up yet - talk to me, please. What have they done to you? What happened?" he said, a hint of panic rising into his voice as he stroked her hair.
"It's OK, El," Olivia began, pausing to take a deep, shuddering breath and attempting to prevent her tears from spilling.
"I spoke to the girl - her name is Rachel..." she paused, taking another breath. "Rachel Ash. She's fifteen and she's been here for six months - she wants our help, she's been assaulted more times than she can remember and raped three times. We have to find a way to contact Cragen - without the transmitter how are they going to find us, El?"
Elliot held her tightly and placed a kiss on her head. She momentarily closed her eyes - the unfamiliarity of Elliot's lips against her felt comforting and right. She welcomed it, and wondered if she was thinking rationally anymore when she wished he would do it again.
"They made us from the start - thankfully he is too much of an egotistical head case to just kill us. He wants us alive - but Liv, right now all I'm concerned about is you, baby."
Olivia felt a tear slide down her cheek and she returned Elliots embrace, one arm around his side and the other resting on his chest. She knew that his use of such an endearment was a first for them, but she had no drive to question it. She ached and her head pounded, but Elliot's affection was the only comfort - the only warmth she had felt in what seemed like weeks. The passing of time was confusing, and the isolation hard to bear, and now that she was with Elliot, she wanted desperately to stay with him and not to be alone.
"I'm OK. What about you?" she said quietly.
"Liv please, I need you to talk to me. How badly are you hurt?" he asked with growing concern.
"They just roughed me up a bit El, I'll be fine. It's nothing I can't handle."
"Liv, this is more than 'roughing you up a bit'," he stated with anger before his voice dropped to a whisper. "let me check you over...Let me help you Liv?" he asked, with an almost pleading tone.
Olivia nodded reluctantly, and allowed Elliot to gently place her back on the ground as he turned her face from side to side carefully inspecting her injuries. The large bruise on her cheekbone made him flinch as he gently pressed the undamaged skin around it.
"This looks like a fracture," he said softly, as he began inspecting her other visible injuries. The anger bubbled inside him as he surveyed her injuries - he was certain she had at least two fractures but the rest was mainly bruising. He couldn't be sure though, all he really had to go on were his observations of Melinda as she described injuries. Aware that he had only seen injuries which were visible he began to carefully pull her top up. He stopped immediately as Olivia put her hand on his, halting his movements.
"Don't," she whispered.
"Liv...let me see - let me help you," Elliot said, his voice thick with concern.
"I'm OK, just let me rest El."
Elliot looked at her, the concern so obvious that Olivia felt almost annoyed at herself for not not managing to hide her injuries and avoid eliciting that response from him. His concern was touching, but she hated that she had caused it.
Her heart warmed as his hand touched her uninjured cheek gently.
"Some of these bruises are fresher than others...Christ Liv, they really worked you over, and more than once. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!" He carefully reached under and around her, scooping her into his arms and pulling her on to his lap.
Olivia didn't object, or even question the sudden closeness he had initiated. She was just so relieved to see him, that it felt right to be held by him in this way. She felt tired - so tired, and resting her head against him felt so natural. She almost felt as though she fit perfectly with him - as if their bodies moulded to each other.
"I feel so cold all the time," she said as she leant against him.
"It's the lack of food - I've done plenty of endurance training in the past, but not having food means not having energy, and that's another thing entirely. The bastard is supplying just enough water to keep us going. He knows what he's doing - he's trying to push us to our limits, make us desperate," Elliot said as he tightened his hold on Olivia, hoping to share some warmth with her, although in truth he felt cold too.
"Talk to me Liv, please - I have no idea how long I've been in this room, or how long they had you out there. What did they do? Liv, please tell me!"
Olivia rested her head against Elliot's chest and paused, letting her breathing slow and calm to a steady rate - she moved her arm across his chest, the feel of Elliot's heartbeat against her hand was reassuring and comforting. She was aware through the mass of aches and pains that she felt, that this was the longest they had ever been this physically close before. She wondered if he realised that too - and allowed herself to relax into his hold as she spoke.
"I was stupid - I didn't even know the layout and I tried to run - Emery and one of the others caught up with me pretty quickly. The other one grabbed me, and I fought him but I just didn't have the energy, Emery punched me in my stomach and I just didn't have the strength to fight," She paused, as she realised how tense Elliot had become.
"Liv...did he?" Elliot began, his voice cracking with fear as he failed to finish his sentence.
"No." Olivia whispered, feeling Elliot relax slightly. "Emery had his hands all over me, and graphically described what he could to me if he wanted to," she said with disgust. "He assured me he would 'have me before long', but he was more interested in teaching me a lesson. He laid into me then threw me back into the room he had me in before. He sent one of the others in to push me around - it was nothing I couldn't handle. This time they wouldn't let me out to use the bathroom though- but thankfully I'm too dehydrated to give him the satisfaction of watching me suffer in that way, so it didn't matter much. I met Rachel when she came in to give me water - I think twice, maybe three times."
Elliot began stroking her hair slowly, Olivia closing her eyes at the comforting gesture as the feel of his hand warmed her.
"I'll kill that son of a bitch if he puts his hands on you again," he said, before dropping his voice to a whisper. "How badly did he hurt you?"
"He punched and slapped me and shouted a lot - the other one kicked me a few times - really El, I'm not gonna describe every detail. I'm OK." she sighed.
"I just hate that I wasn't there to help you. Do you think you have any serious injuries? If we find a way out of here, can you make it?"
"Yeah, I'm fine - I just need to rest - if we play their game - play along with them, we can at least eat and drink - neither of us are gonna get far if they keep weakening us like this," she said.
"OK Liv, we play along - but I can only do that to a point - i'm not gonna let anyone hurt you again. I….care about you too much to let that bastard get his hands on you again."
"The whole memory reinvention thing - he knew the scenario we came in with was false - he wanted the truth from me, my darkest memory - he kept digging, and pushing, wanting to get in my head...when we met him...he kept saying I had to let him take me back to that moment."
She pulled out of Elliot's arms and sat back on the ground, the movement causing her to shift uncomfortably as she settled on the ground, turning to face him.
"I didn't tell him..why I reacted that way...I made up a story...he doesn't get to do that to me."
"Liv...what happened there? Has that happened before?"
"Yeah." Olivia took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as she looked into his eyes, the concern and care emanating from his gaze warming her.
"When did that start?" he asked softly.
Olivia couldn't hold his gaze as her eyes moved to focus on the wall next to him.
"Since..Sealview," she whispered.
Elliot closed his eyes momentarily before opening them and watching her - afraid to ask, but equally as afraid that she would not answer, and leave him to torture himself with the possibilities that would continue to run through his head.
"Liv, tell me what happened. You can talk to me - I want to help you," he said with sincerity.
Olivia remained still as she spoke, not moving her eyes from the spot on the wall she was firmly fixed on.
Elliot watched her, tensing as she began to speak, related the details of her attack, but not letting his emotions spill out. he didn't interrupt her, despite wanting to react several times. He had spent so long wanting to know, but so long afraid of what he might hear. He was afraid she would shut down at any moment - her honesty was so real and her experience still so raw.
He listened silently as she described her attack to him - all he wanted to do as she spoke was reach out and take her into his arms, but he was afraid that anything he said or did, any movement might break the moment, and see her retreat and shut down again. He couldn't bear it if she shut him out again - he just wanted to help her, to hold her...he wanted to hold her so much it was becoming almost impossible not to, but he fought it, allowing her the space and the time she needed to open up to him.
And then, when she was finished, he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder gently.
"Liv, i'm so sorry I wasn't there - I wish you had talked to me - you didn't have to carry that alone," he said softly.
Olivia looked down at the ground between them, she shook her head slightly as she struggled to find the words.
"I didn't want you to see me like that," she said quietly.
"Like what?" Elliot asked.
"A victim…" she whispered. "Not strong enough to stop that from happening," she paused, fighting with herself, her voice wavering as she continued, "if Fin hadn't got there when he did…." Olivia looked up, her heart racing as she forced herself to make eye contact with Elliot, afraid of what she would see.
She immediately sighed, relieved when she saw no judgement, disappointment or questioning...then she wondered why she had ever been afraid to open up to him in the first place.
"He was armed and you weren't Liv, it's not about being strong enough - anyone can have the upper hand if they have a weapon - he couldn't overpower you without restraining you..." He hesitated before bringing his other hand up to wipe away a tear which fell slowly down her face, before resting his palm against her cheek. Olivia instinctively leant her face slightly against the warmth of his hand, not breaking eye contact as she continued:
"His memory alteration seemed almost appealing at one point, the thought that it would become meaningless, but I won't let him in - I won't let someone I don't trust into my head, to twist something like that….. I want it out of my head," she said, before dropping her voice to a whisper, "It haunts me, El!"
Elliot pulled her into his arms carefully embracing her, aware that she was injured, but needing to hold her as much as she needed to be held. He felt her relax into his hold and closed his eyes as he felt her hair against his cheek...her face against his shoulder, her hands around his back as she returned his embrace.
"I swear to you Liv, I will always be here for you," he said softly. "I should have been there, I should have been the one watching your back."
"Fin did everything he could El, he stopped it from getting any further. I hate though...I hate that I needed someone to do that - that I couldn't stop it myself."
Elliot took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as he leant back against the wall, creating enough distance between them that he could still hold her, but also look at her.
Olivia frowned slightly in confusion as his expression changed slightly - she couldn't decipher it, and it bothered her.
"What's wrong?" she said quietly.
"You...you are so important to me Liv. Do you know what you mean to me?" he said with sincerity as he looked into her eyes.
Feeling uncomfortable, Olivia turned her head away, but Elliot had said too much to stop now. He slid his hand from her cheek and gently placed it under her chin, turning her face back toward him. She met his eyes with a questioning, uncertain look.
"What do I mean to you?" she whispered, a tear spilling as anxiety over Elliot's sudden honestly took hold.
"You mean everything to me...we're gonna get out of this, I don't know how right now, but we are. When he brought you in here - all I could think was...if you're hurt too badly...if we don't get out of here...then I'm the biggest idiot in the world because in all these years, in all this time we've spent together...you hold this important...vital…. place in my life...in my heart, and I have never told you…." he paused, his voice unsteady as he allowed himself to let go, and give her his total honesty. "... that I love you."
He took a shaky breath, realising that he was trembling slightly with the out pour of years of pent up honesty, "I'm in love with you, and I need you to know that Liv," he whispered.
Elliot felt relieved that she hadn't moved away - hadn't created any physical space between them, but he couldn't read the expression in her eyes. She was processing what he had said and he realised he had bombarded her. After her sharing what she had with him, maybe it was the wrong time..or the perfect time, he didn't know if he had just screwed up majorly, or done something he should have done years ago.
"El..." Liv said, her voice softening as she smiled slightly, but soon winced at the pain in her cheekbone.
"Are you...?" Elliot began.
"I'm OK El, just listen."
Elliot sat back slightly, almost physically bracing himself for her rejection, but unwilling to believe totally that she would react so negatively to his admission. He dropped one hand to his lap, the other resting lightly on her shoulder.
Olivia looked into his eyes - his honesty was so clear that she wondered how she never allowed herself to really look before, and see the depth of feeling that he kept hidden.
"You're in love with me, El?" she asked, her voice soft and quiet and slightly disbelieving.
"Yeah." Elliot said, as a nervous sigh escaped him, "I need you to know that…Liv, I want to be here for you - I want to help you..." he said matching her tone.
"El, I don't..."
"Need help, yeah I know, Liv...except you do. You need to not be dealing with what you went through alone. Let me be here for you…" he paused, the emotion now undeniable in his voice, "please, just let me in."
How will Olivia react to Elliot's words? Now that she knows he loves her - what will she say? Does she feel the same?
