It's all my fault. If I'd just told her what she wanted to hear, she'd still be alive. I thought that by telling her that she was my dearest friend, that I was keeping things the way they always were, I thought that was what she needed. But her agonized scream still haunts me. I killed my best friend. I murdered the only person who has ever and will ever love a piece of sh*t like me. I'm so sorry Sayori. I'm sorry.
Natsuki:"Eli! I'm starving! What's for supper?"
Natsuki's words startle me out of my thoughts. I need to make some food. I head downstairs, walk straight to the kitchen and start to cook. I guess Nat can tell something's wrong because she doesn't say anything to me the whole time. Pretty soon the food is done. Nothin' special, just a few grilled cheeses.
I lay Natsuki's plate down in front of her, sit down with my own and start to eat.
Natsuki:"...Thanks Eli." She says cautiously. I nod while keeping my head down and continue eating.
Natsuki:"Is everything okay? Did I make you mad?" I shake my head in the same manor as before. She stares at for a second before saying, "Okay..." and proceeding to eat. After we ate. I piled up on my couch and stared blankly at the T.V until Natsuki went upstairs to sleep.
Natsuki:"Good night Eli..."
Me:"Yeah. You too." Natsuki stands there for a second.
Natsuki:"What's wrong Eli? You've been acting wierd since you came out of your room earlier."
Me:"Nothing. I'm fine." I say that more harshly than I wanted. I can tell it hurt her feelings a little.
Natsuki:"Okay...fine." With that she goes upstairs and shuts the door. I sigh, knowing I'll have to make up for that tomarrow.
Sayori:"You just can't help yourself can you?" I keep staring at the wall.
Me:"Stop."
Sayori:"You can't let anyone be close without throwing them away..."
Me:"Please stop it."
Sayori:"You hurt me. Maybe you should get a feel for it too."
I stand up and run my hands through my hair. I start to freak out and get all jittery. (Think of Lewis from the Punisher.)
Sayori:"Why did you hurt me Eli? Why couldn't you just love me? Like I loved you?"
Me:"I'm sorry...I'm worthless. I know I am.. I'm sorry." I plead softly with my head against the wall.
Sayori:"Sorry's not good enough..."
Me:"You're right." I look over to my kitchen. At my knife block. I know what I need to do. What I deserve.
I walk into the kitchen, grab the largest knife in the set, grab a towel, and walk to my bathroom. Locking the door behind me.
I stare at myself in the mirror for a moment, and then look down at the knife on my arm. I hesitate for a second, then the image of Sayori's corpse flashes in my mind. I press and slide the blade across my arm. Tears fall down my face. Not from the pain, just from the guilt.
Me:"hnngg..." The wound isn't too deep. But it's bleeding pretty good. I place the knife a little lower on my arm and cut. "Ffff..." This one bleeds more than the last. Still nothing fatal. I move the knife lower and get ready to slice.I suddenly hear knocking on the bathroom door and hide the knife behind me.
Natsuki:"Come on Eli, hurry up."
Me:"Just a minute!" I scramble to wash the knife, wipe up my blood, and bandage my arm. I put the knife inside the toilet tank. And put the towel in the bottom of my hamper. I cover my bloody bandages with my sleeve and and open the door.
Natsuki:"Why are you so sweaty?"
Me:"Uh...cuz it's hot?"
Natsuki:"It's the middle of November, Eli. Jeez can't you do that kind of thing somewhere else?" She says with a little red tint to her cheeks.
Me:"R-right, sorry." I quickly walk away, hoping she can't see the blood on my hand. I go over to my couch and lay down. Putting my bandaged arm under my pillow. Pretty soon, I'm asleep.
- My Dream -
I'm in the school. Running from something. I don't know what, but I know I don't want it catch me. I'm sprinting as hard as I can, pounding my legs against the tiled floor painfully. Blood is seeping out of every locker I pass by, although I can't see any students, I hear them whispering "You took her breath away."
I pass more lockers, almost sliding through the blood. I almost there. I'm almost to the clubroom, It can't get me there. As I approach, I hear the creature getting closer. I dive into the clubroom and slam the door. I press myself against it, expecting it to try to break in. But nothing happens. Instead I hear crying coming from behind me. I turn around.
I see Sayori hanging by a noose from a fan. The rest of the club is gathered around her, grieving. I look at the wall and see a clock that ticks twice everytime it ticks a second time. When I look back, the noose is empty and there is a stool under it. Sayori is standing beside the other club members, who are standing around the noose while chanting to me.
Yuri:"It should have been you."
Natsuki:"You killed her."
Monika:"She didn't deserve it."
Sayori:"Why did you kill me?"
I step onto the stool and place my head into the noose.
Me:"It's all my fault." And with that, I kick the stool.
- End -
Me:"*gasp* Oh God!" I bolt upright, in a cold sweat and breathing fast. I start to calm myself down and look around. Natsuki is still asleep. That's good. That means I can take a shower and change the bandages on my arm without suspicion. I get up to do so. I notice a pile of clothes laying on my chair.
A post-it note is on top.
Here's some clothes for the morning. Don't wake me up until 9:00 am!
And she signed it with a smiling cat. Why am I not surprised. She's far cuter than she wants anyone to believe. Anyhow, I gather up my clothes, and go take a shower. The water burns the crap outta my arm. I apply some alcohol and and wrap my new bandages on. I pick up the shirt she brought for me. It's long sleeved. Thank God.
I walk out of the bathroom and see Natsuki on my couch. I walk over and sit down.
Me:"G'morning..."
Natsuki:"Hmm..." She doesn't look away. I guess she's still mad after how I acted last night.
Me:"*sigh* Look, I'm sorry for being jerk to ya last night. I was having a rough time and I...delt with it poorly. You don't deserve that."
Natsuki:"...It's impossible to be mad at you know? Ya big goof." She says as she pushes me in my hurt arm. I yelp in pain.
Natsuki:"What did I do? Are you hurt?" She grabs my arm gently.
Me:"N-no! I'm fine!" I say as I try to jerk my arm away.
Natsuki:"No you're not, you're bleeding." She pulls my arm over to her and lifts my sleeve.
Crap.
Natsuki*Gasp* "What happened?" Even though these were new bandages, they were pretty bloody. I guess my shower must've opened the wounds back up.
Me:"I uh...got hurt working on my car. Earlier today while you were still asleep." I hated to have to lie to her. But she'd freak out if she knew the truth. Especially if she knew about the hallucinations I've been having.
Natsuki:"Okay...but why try to hide it? I could've doctored ya up."
Me:"Bah...I just didn't want ya to worry that's all." Well that much was true at least.
Natsuki:"I-I'm not. I just wanted to know what happened is all. Anyway, Monika wants us have a club meeting today. It's Saturday so we can go casual." I realised that I've never been to school on the weekend before. I'm glad Nat told me I didn't have to where my uniform. I hate that thing.
Me:"Okay, let's go." Suddenly my phone dings. "Hold on let me check my phone."
I've received a text from Monika:
- Natsuki and Eli sittin in a tree
K-i-s-s-i-n-g :)
Y tho? -
- Cuz its fun
4 u -
- I need u ur girlfriend
to come 2 da club 2day
Plz
Ok...y? -
- Cuz we need 2 :)
Yea alright gimme -
10min
- If ya need a quickie
before you leave
just tell me. I'll
hold the club...
How did somebody -
like you get to run a
club?
- Lol jk
I close my phone and shake my head. Why is she the way that she is. *sigh* I wait for Nat to get ready, it takes her every bit of twenty minutes. We walk to school. It's entirely empty. Almost spooky. We walk into the clubroom.
Monika:"Geez Eli, I said a quickie, not to go twelve rounds..."
Natsuki:"What?"
Me:"Just ignore her Nat, maybe she'll go away." I say as I wave my hand dismissively at Monika.
Yuri:"Good morning you two. I expect you slept-together well."
Me:"I slept at least...Oh wait. I see what you did there. P.s Screw you."
Natsuki:"Will you guys please stop, you're making it sooo awkward!"
Monika:"Oh alright we'll stop...But I gotta know...is it a boy or a girl?"
Natsuki:"Ugh..."
After a little while, everbody's doing their own thing. Yuri's reading The Portrait of Markov for about the fiftieth time. Natsuki's off in the closet reading the Helling manga. Monika's reading about computer programming. No idea why. And I'm just sitting here in all my grand illusions. They call it a problem, I call it a solution. (If anybody knows what song that's from, leave an review.) Monika asks me to bring her a box of books from the closet. I get them and bring them to her.
Monika:"Thanks Eli." As she takes the box. Her hand scraps right across my hurt arm.
Me:"Aaah!" I holler.
Monika:"Ah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"
Me:"I know, it's okay. Calm down." I'm bleeding more now. Great.
Monika:"What happened."
Me:"Oh I uh, got banged up workin' on my car this mornin'." There ya go Eli, keep lying to your friends. I'm pathetic...
Monika:"Aw I'm sorry. Is it very bad?" It kinda is, really.
Me:"Nah. Nothing I can't handle."
Monika:"*Sigh* Always a tough guy huh?" She says lightly punching me in the shoulder.
Me:"Don't know how to be any other way." Pshh...If she only knew...
I notice Yuri staring at me suspiciously. She gets up and walks over.
Yuri:"May I speak to you outside for a moment Eli?" She asks sweetly.
Me:"Yeah, sure." I follow Yuri outside the clubroom. We walk far enough that the others can't hear us.
Me:"What's up Yuri?"
Yuri:"Eli, I'm going to ask you a question. And I want you to tell me the truth."
Me:"Okay..."
Yuri:"Did you cut yourself?"
Me:"I...uh...Yeah. I did."
Yuri:"Eli, I know that this hurts. But this is not the answer. I know it may feel like it gives some temporary relief from the pain. But self-harm can become am addiction. It's like feeding a racoon, the more you do it, the more and more the racoon is going to want. It doesn't get satisfied. And you will get to a point where you can't go without it. I don't want that for you Eli. None of us do!"
I turn away and face back tow
