The mixed aroma of acrylic paint, patchouli, and wood glue filled the dorm room. The slick feel of silk on bare skin and the soft touch of messy bed head mixed with the heat of sunlight. Strains of "Kung-Fu Fighting" came from the shower just outside the open door, punctuated by the occasional crash as Lee accidently kicked his shampoo off the shower caddy again.
Eyes open.
Shafts of light caught specks of dust and traced gold onto pale cheeks. The alarm clock glared the numbers 7:30. The play of sun and shadow created a world of beauty out of the most mundane of objects: a jacket on the desk chair, the trashcan overflowing with crumpled paper, the tiny gleams of blue light wrapped around CD cases, refrigerator, and bed frame.
Eyes closed.
I can still see the beauty.
Gaara had been at college for a nearly a week now. True to Sakura's prediction, Lee had dragged Gaara to lunch everyday, a Bruce Lee marathon, and even the school's gym. But only once, thank God. There were always at least 5 or 6 other people with them. And, no matter how hard Lee tried to include Gaara, the slim redhead was nearly always pushed to the background and ignored at these gatherings. Well, ignored by eveyone but Sakura and Lee.
And Neji.
But, Gaara had only seen Neji once since that first day.
And he left practically the second I sat down. So different, so cold.
Gaara leaned back into his pillows, hands behind head, thoughtful expression.
I guess, he just needed someone to unload on that day. Too bad. I wish...
Closing his eyes, he breathed out gently.
I don't know what I wish.
Opening his eyes to the beautiful world again, Gaara soaked it in.
Some lilacs might be nice.
At that moment, Lee chose to break into Gaara's reveries with a kick through the dorm door. Lee only wearing a towel, Gaara was happy that it wasn't a high kick.
"Good morning, beautiful roommate! It is another wonderful day of college. Aren't you excited?"
Pushing himself to a sitting position, Gaara ran thin fingers through his tousled red locks, delighting in the sensation. With a quiet little smile that he had adopted the past few days, Gaara answered Lee in his quiet baritone, "Of course, Lee, and the more I imagine my morning cup of coffee, the more excited I become." Lee was the only person he could talk to without trouble. Everyone else had difficulty getting a sentence out of him, because of his nervous stutter.
That's not entirely true. I talked smoothly with Neji, too. Sigh.
Looking very serious, Lee sat on Gaara's bed and placed his hand on the redhead's shoulder, still only wearing a towel. Gaara avoided letting his eyes leave Lee's.
"It is ok, Gaara-kun."
With a startled glance at his roommate, Gaara was a bit baffled. How did Lee know what he had been thinking?
"I am most positive that we will make it to the coffee shop before they are out of your favorite muffins. I know that is what you are thinking, because I see the sadness in your face. And, I know how you love breakfast. But it is only 7:40, we have plenty of time. Just in case, I will try to beat my getting-ready-for-the-day time of yesterday! Yosh! I will do it, and then we will get you muffins!"
"No, Lee, don't worry..."
"Haha! There are no worries in this one! Victory is certain!"
With a laugh and a shake of his head, Gaara stumbled out of bed. Rummaging through the hangers in his closet, he picked out a red button-up shirt that matched his hair and a pair of grey denim jeans. Throwing his clothes on, he finished the outfit with a black necklace, dangling a burgundy guitar pick. Grabbing his shoulder bag filled with today's school books, he was just in time.
With a mighty fist-leap (as Gaara had chosen to think of this particular move by Lee), the
bowl-cut wearing youth announced his mighty accomplishment; the time had been beaten.
"Now is the time for coffee and muffins!"
"It sure is, Lee."
Lock clicks.
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"So, I told her that if she wanted to be a dancer, she should get her act together, shed some of that extra weight, and take off the fucking jacket. I mean, maybe if everyone could see that fatass jiggling around, then she would have the incentive to better herself. "
"Is that why she wears that coat all of the time? To keep from letting out the BIG secret?"
"Well, it must be. I mean, I've never seen her without it."
"Then, how...?"
"Well, she never wears dance clothes in front of the other girls; she wears huge sweatshirts to practice. And she won't even shower when there is anyone else in the studio. She just sits there and waits for everyone else to go home. Why else would she do all of that?"
"Disgusting. Maybe she has some skin disease."
"Either way, she should get out of the dance program, and leave it to people with both the body and the talent."
"I hate to interrupt you, girls. I know how you love tearing the crap out of people's self-images. But Hinata is sitting just one table away and can hear everything you're saying. I may not like her, but she is my cousin."
With a vacant expression, Ten-ten tried to soothe her boyfriend's irritation by patting him on the shoulder. Meanwhile, her and Ino continued the flaying of Hinata's self-esteem. Sitting in the University Cafe, Neji had only one wish.
A gun, give me a gun. And let me just shoot myself in the head. Put me out of my misery. It's like I never left. I am so fucking sick and tired of this shit. Why do I put up with it?
Sarcastically grimacing to himself, Neji murmured, "Because Uncle wants me to try and fit in." Continuing in an incredibly pompous whisper, "You are a representative of the Hyuuga clan. Act like it. Uphold our values. Be a doctor. I approve of that girl, Ten-ten, she would make a nice addition to the bloodline. I am a ridiculous ass, who tries to run my nephew's life and pretty much fucking succeeds because he can't seem to get the energy to resist. No fucking ambition, that boy. "
Peering distractedly at her boyfriend, Ten-ten took her claws out of the latest victim long enough to ask, "Are you talking to yourself, Neji-kun?" Talking to yourself being one of the greatest social crimes a person could commit, in Ten-ten's opinion, Neji wisely shook his head no. The vultures started feeding again.
Then, the door to the cafe opened.
Gaara.
Walking in silence next to the ever-animated Lee, Gaara was here for his morning coffee. It was the only time of the day Neji got to see Gaara, for sure. They hadn't spoken since that first day, but there was something fascinating about the redhead.
Good thing there is nothing sexual about it. The last thing I need is to have a crisis of homosexual proportions. Haha, but if there was anything that might truly piss Uncle off that might just be it. No, I don't want him. I just like having him near me. And I have no idea why.
Neji's thoughts were disturbed by the loud noise of disgust ejected from Ino's mouth.
"Who the hell is that freaky goth kid with Lee?"
"Oh that's his roommate, Gaana or something. Neji met him. Total sideshow material, that one. Never talks. Just stares a bunch. I had to eat lunch with him one day, when I was showing Sakura some pictures. He always tags along with her and Lee, like a frigging parasite. I told her she better watch out for him, hanging out with Lee all of the time. The little vampire might get ideas."
"Haha, I guess it isn't just his hair that' s flaming, then, huh?"
"Yeah, I bet that the posterboy for sterilization sucked..."
"Shut up."
"What, Neji, baby?"
In a voice that would have sent lesser women off in tears, Neji repeated himself,
"Shut the fuck up."
"Well, it isn't like he's even here anymore, anyways" Ten-ten gestured to the front of the cafe.
"Poor baby, heard us talking I guess. Boy needs to get a thicker skin, if he is going to be such a..."
"Don't finish that sentence."
With a look of angry confusion, Ten-ten asked, "What is wrong with you? We are only having a little fun, and I bet everything we were saying was true. He didn't even hear all of it; I think he left whenever he heard the word 'flaming'." The brunette started to laugh.
"That look on his face was classic, when he realized who we were talking about."
"I can't take this shit anymore."
Turning away from Ino, the grin on Ten-ten's face melted away as she stared at her boyfriend's retreating back.
"Looks like Sakura isn't the only girl who should watch out for the little flaming man-snatcher," said Ino with a lurid eyebrow wiggle.
"Oh shut up, Ino."
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"Let me go back there and I will tell them all what a wonder...!"
Stopping in mid-exclamation, Lee looked at his new friend, Gaara. They were sitting on a bench outside the coffee shop. Well, Gaara was sitting. The oak tree above the boys cast dappled light onto their faces, making Gaara's seem even more disconsolate. For once, Lee had nothing to say. Well, maybe he had a few things. Sitting down next to the redhead with the shattered self-esteem, Lee took Gaara's hand in his. Glancing up at Lee, Gaara's face was sad, very very sad.
Things had been going so well.
In a very quiet voice, Lee spoke, "Gaara-kun, may I tell you a story?"
The redhead nodded.
"There was once a young boy that nobody liked. His parents were...absent. The only one who even noticed his existence were his teachers, and they were paid to do it. By the age of twelve, he had been adopted by a very kind man, who the boy grew to love very much. But, the man was also looked on as an outcast. Still, the boy never felt lonely when the man, his new papa was around. But, he couldn't be around all of the time. At school and work and play, the young boy was made fun of, stared at, and, at best, tolerated. They hated the way he looked. The way he talked. The way he tried to be like everybody else but couldn't."
Lee paused. Voice grown husky with checked emotion, he struggled to continue.
"Then, one day, this boy met a girl, the most beautiful woman in the entire world. She loved someone else and ignored the boy's attentions. The boy decided that if he was to deserve this girl's love, then he must become as great as it was in his power to become. For, such a gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful woman deserved only the best. So, he studied and trained and waited. During this time, his happiest days were when he was able to help her, or when she surprised him by caring. One day, the boy got into a horrible accident..."
Lee shuddered.
"They weren't sure he would be able to ever walk without crutches or even the use of a wheelchair. This made the boy very sad, and even worse, noone but his papa came to visit him.Or, so he thought. But, everyday, there was a vase of fresh flowers by his bed. Only when he woke up very early one day did he discover that the girl he had loved for so long was visiting him. She sat by his bed everday for at least two hours and cried. The boy couldn't bear to hear those tears. He decided that he must get better, he must walk again, so that the girl would not cry anymore."
One of Lee's arms was now draped across Gaara's shoulders, and the redhead leaned back.
"With her help and the love of his papa and a dangerous operation, he succeeded. When he was very very well once again, he decided that he must tell the beautiful girl of his love. For, he would be going to college soon, and he wanted to wait and go with her. If she would have him. With the same bouquet of flowers she had brought for him everyday in the hospital (pink roses), he met her on a bridge. He said very softly that he loved her dearly and wondered if she could find it in her heart to care for him as well."
Lee paused once again, so long that Gaara spoke, "What did she do?"
With a gentle chuckle and watery eyes, Lee responded, "She kissed him. His first ever kiss."
Looking down at Gaara, Lee grinned, "Even better than that, she said she loved him too."
With a sigh, Lee released Gaara and turned crosslegged to face him.
"Sakura and I have been together ever since. People still make fun of me, but I don't care anymore. There is someone (besides my papa, who has to love me) who knows me and loves me just the same. I think that makes all the difference."
Looking Gaara carefully in the eye, Lee finished his monologue, "I am telling you this because you have someone who knows you and loves you just the same. I may not know everything about you, but you are a great friend, a great person."
And with a level of cleverness out of keeping with his idiom, Lee smiled, "And if you are gay, I will march in any parade you want me too. And we will have biggest, most wonderful, gayest float of anyone who marches!"
Gaara's eyelashes felt wet. Lee's did too.
So,
this is what it feels like to have a friend, thought Gaara.
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Morino - Excerpt From Recorded Therapy Session with Nara, Shikamaru - #1
N."Cinnamon."
M."Cinnamon?"
N."Yeah, it reminds me of my mom."
M."I was told your relationship with your parents was...strained."
N."Well, with my dad it is, but me and mom always had a clears throat special connection."
M."Confidante?"
N."Ha, you could say that."
M."These sessions are completely confidential. You can tell the truth here."
N."My mother taught me more truths about the world when I was a boy than most people learn their entire lives. Everything I know about love, I learned from her."
M."Was the love ever physical?"
Patient pauses.
N."Yes."
M."That explains a lot."
N."What do you mean?"
M."Well, from what I was told by your advisor is that you seem to have problems conveying and even experiencing emotion. This, um, relationship with your mother might have focused your attentions on her alone. As it seems you have no problem feeling...
N."Love."
M."...and, um."
N."Lust."
M."Yes, well, for her. Most people who have been through those kinds of experiences, begin to blame themselves for feelings they know they shouldn't be experiencing. So they shut themselves off from all feelings. I fear that is what you are doing to yourself. "
Checks watch.
"We only have another minute, so is there anything else you would like to say before we end until next week?"
N."Yes, there is."
M."Continue."
N."Just so you know, I may have to come to these therapy sessions, but it doesn't mean that I have to like them or use them to spill myself emotionally. So, that you can "help" me fill the empty places in my life with self-love and other psychobabble bullshit. I am just required to be here.
M. "This is very true, but we are already got so much done today. I hope you will be able to see the need for these sessions as the week progresses."
N."Haha, you think we got something done today, huh? Then maybe I should be an actor. Let me guess, you have Oedipus Complex written in big bold letters in my file."
Patient changes voice to a distinct whine.
"Oh, I want my mommy and hate my daddy. I think these horrible thoughts about her, thoughts I shouldn't have. She made me do things...Oh God! I can't stop!"
Patient's voice returns to normal.
"Funny, you would think being trained in human emotions and minds that you could recognize a big pack of lies. See you next week. I can't wait. I just love storytime."
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Anko put down the dictation with a sigh. Grabbing a muffin from the top of a pile of English essays on "The Use of the Class System in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar", she angrily bit down into the blueberry baked good, or she bit down as angrily as one can into Iruka's famous mouth-watering muffins. The frustration caused by Nara, the cocky little bastard, began to ease out of her forehead.
"So, he is just going to waste an hour every week making up tales or not talking until he graduates, isn't he?"
"It doesn't matter if he does any of those things. He will get something out of our sessions together."
"Ibiki, he lied his ass off and then laughed in your face. How can you say that?"
"Because I knew he was lying the entire time."
"Oh."
"People let things slip even when they are trying to keep them hidden. In fact, they let things slip more, when they are trying to keep them hidden. Reread that transcript. He mentions empty holes in himself, a lack of self-love, and his ability to use his parents as imaginary figures shows that he has never been able to have a close relationship with them."
"Well, shit."
"That boy is terrified. He is terrified that no matter how smart, how good he is that he will never find anyone to love him or accept him. I don't know why he is so afraid, or where his pain comes from...yet."
With a sigh, Anko brushed the crumbs off of her shirt and sank back into her chair, "Thanks Ibiki, for doing this. They wanted to use some drop-out 2-year college therapist for the kid. Having a master like you at work is the only way that I think that boy is going to get any help."
Ibiki's scar-seamed features crunched into a grimace, "Well, to be honest, I can't help him. I can figure out what would help him, but that's it. Right now, all I can say is that the boy is starving to death, and he doesn't even realize it."
"Then, there's hope."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, Morino Ibiki, if you remember your early days of giving therapy, you once had a spunky little girl that you called Ankie. You said the same things about her, and look at me now. I am wonderful."
"Are you sure about that?"
Anko closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Emptying herself of emotion, she turned a fierce grin on Ibiki, "Of course, I am perfect."
