Torn
Several days of re-enacting Buffy's final hours left Spike knowing that there would have been ways to save her. In some of his dreams he managed it, and some of them he didn't quite make it, but in all of them she came to him and gave him the strength to carry on throughout his waking hours. He thought knowing one way or the other would bring its own relief but it made no difference. Even on the nights he had figured out a way to stop Buffy from dying he still didn't have complete peace. Slowly he came to realize that it was all more complicated than him saving her or not. He knew he needed help, and he knew where to find it…
Knocking on her front door, Spike had expected Dawn to answer but it was Willow looking back at him, concerned. Stupidly he hadn't prepared what to say and found himself at a loss for words when she asked him what he wanted. Finding it easier to ignore the question he asked, "You staying here?"
"Yeah," she said. "For a little bit, I think, until there's a better plan. We hadn't really thought that far ahead."
"Right," he nodded, looking around him.
"Is there anything I can help you with? I know you must be taking it pretty hard."
He looked at her then and she continued speaking, "I mean, we're all taking it hard. But you don't really have anyone, to share the pain? That why you're here? You need a spell or something?"
"Nah," he said, moving towards the door, "Doesn't matter. I just… You studied Psych, right?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Can I ask- I mean, do you know, about dreams?"
"I think you're gonna have to be a bit more specific," said Willow, gesturing for him to come in and take a seat, "What's going on?"
"I see her every night, Red, and some nights I save her. I've found ways to do everything differently but it doesn't help. I need to find something – anything - a reason why she comes to me when I couldn't protect her when it really counted."
"What are you, nuts?" said Willow, and he looked at her, taken aback. "The girl you claim to love comes to you every time you close your eyes and you're gonna just torture yourself with asking why? God, I wish I had that problem! You have her Spike – you have some tiny part of her presence. Why are you not Mr Happy? It's more than the rest of us got!"
Again he was lost for words.
"Look," she carried on, "I know what it's like to spend all day asking 'What if?' but you gotta snap out of it."
"What do I do?"
"You said you found ways to save her, in the dreams?" she asked, and he nodded.
"Well then. You have control over what happens. It's called lucid dreaming, and you can do what you like with it. If it was me I wouldn't be trying to find ways to save Buffy, I'd be wanting to spend time with her."
"You think it's as simple as that? You think I'll be able to just shift the scenery in my mind and take her on a bloody picnic instead?"
"Why not, Spike? It's your head."
He didn't have an answer for that. Thought about it for a minute or two before standing up and walking out.
"You're welcome!" Willow shouted after him as he shut the door.
He ran into Dawn in the front yard. "Where are you going?" she asked, but he didn't stop to chat.
"Gotta plan a picnic," he said, shouting back at her, over his shoulder, as he went.
"Huh," said Dawn, going inside. "What's up with him?"
Willow just shrugged and said, "Think he needs to work on some things."
Back at his crypt he started pacing again; running over everything in his mind.
"Could it be," he said to the empty room, "That you haven't left me, because you're not mad? You're not angry that I didn't save you? Do you- no. I mean, do you? Wanna actually be around me? Have I completely lost it?"
As tempting as it was to let himself believe he was mad, some part of him knew that when she appeared to him it wasn't just his imagination. He knew that it really was her – or part of her – and he knew that part wasn't uncomfortable with him. But Willow was right, the time for thinking too much and asking questions was done. He didn't know how many nights he had left with her, and he wanted to make the most of each one.
To be continued...
