Kurt was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling on Wednesday when his father got home from the shop. He heard the sound of the front door shutting and knew he should go downstairs for dinner, but he didn't really feel like eating. He hadn't done much the last few days but sit in his room and try not to think about Sebastian.
He knew he shouldn't have pushed Sebastian so hard about telling people, but he also knew that they couldn't go on lying forever. He was tired of feeling like his entire life was an act. He needed to talk about his relationship with Sebastian. And what did it matter if telling the truth made a mess? Sebastian was his future. If it meant that he and Sebastian could really be together, it would be worth it. And really, how could Father Will and Edward Smythe's opinions hurt them?
He realized that Sebastian was going to have to come to this conclusion on his own. It was clear that Kurt pushing him was only going to drive Sebastian away, so he'd figured that switching rooms with Sam and giving Sebastian time to figure things out for himself would help. He wished he could convince himself not to be afraid that Sebastian wouldn't see it. He wanted to have confidence that Sebastian would care enough about Kurt to choose him and the truth over the lie he would have to live to make his father happy. But Kurt had also seen firsthand how hard it was for Sebastian to think about things that way; Sebastian hadn't been kidding when he had said that he never planned his future. Sebastian's only plan seemed to be to keep trying to be the perfect son until he earned his father's love.
It was the one thing that Kurt had been the most afraid of. He had worried that Sebastian would decide to give up on them and decide that he'd rather be with some girl that his father would approve of. He'd been afraid that Sebastian would never realize that he actually had choices. He didn't have to be the perfect son, and he didn't have to follow the path that had been laid out for him. Kurt was afraid that, even now that he'd been pushed to the point where he had to see this or lose Kurt, he still wouldn't figure it out, but Kurt didn't know what else he could have done.
Kurt heard footsteps on the stairs and sat up as his father pushed the door open without knocking. "Really kid? I thought you were done with this."
"Apparently I'm having a relapse," Kurt said with a sigh.
Burt walked over to sit next to Kurt on the bed. "Want to tell me what this is all about?"
Kurt looked up at his father. The truth was that he did want to tell him He'd fought with Sebastian over it, so he felt like he should have the courage to go through with it. Maybe he couldn't tell the whole truth, or even most of it, without betraying Sebastian's trust, but he could tell his father one thing. Fear coursed through Kurt but he knew that it was time.
"Dad," he said, taking a deep breath, "I … I'm gay."
Burt reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder. "I know, son."
"You knew? How?" Kurt was shocked. No one else seemed to know.
"I've known since you were three. The only thing you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels." Burt reached out and pulled Kurt into a hug. "I love you, kid. No matter what."
For a moment, Kurt couldn't breathe; he was so relieved. He hadn't wanted to admit to himself how afraid he was that Burt would be angry at him.
"I'm sorry if sending you to Dalton made this harder. A Catholic school probably isn't the easiest place to be when you're dealing with this kind of thing," his father said.
"No," Kurt said, pulling back from his father's hug and shaking his head, "I understand why you sent me to Dalton. And you were right." Kurt knew that he'd been unfair to his father four years ago when Burt had decided to send him away to school. At the time he'd been miserable at the idea of leaving behind everything he was familiar with. He'd felt like his father was abandoning him. Looking back on it now, he knew that Burt had sent him away as a last resort.
Kurt had never really rebounded from his mother's death. The years in between her funeral and the beginning of high school had been lonely ones. He knew now that he had worried his father. He'd spent most of his free time alone is his room reading or just staring at the ceiling. Even his church group friends, who he'd been close to before his mother got sick, had drifted into being only casual acquaintances. After years of Kurt turning down plans, they'd stopped inviting him.
He'd seen a few therapists, at his dad's insistence, but he'd never had much to say to them either. Finally Burt had decided to enroll him at Dalton. It was the best decision he could have made. Kurt had been stuck, and his father had seen that no amount of conversation or therapy or prayer was going to help Kurt until something dislodged him. He had needed the change of scenery. He had needed to be somewhere where memories of his mother didn't lurk around every corner. He'd needed people who didn't look at him and see his mother's ghost. And, although it hadn't been something anyone could have predicted, he'd needed Sebastian.
But his father was also right that Catholic school wasn't the easiest place to be. "Can I ask you something?"
Burt nodded, and Kurt continued, "What if I decided not to go to Notre Dame?"
At this, Burt did look shocked. After thinking about it for a moment, he said, "Well, we'd probably lose our deposit. But you would still have a couple of weeks to decide to go to a different school. Why wouldn't you want to go to Notre Dame?"
Kurt bit his lip and looked down at the bed. "I think I wanted to go to Notre Dame for all the wrong reasons. It's a great school but I think maybe it isn't the best fit for me."
"So where do you think is a better fit for you?" Burt asked, smiling.
"Well, I found out two weeks ago that I got into NYU," Kurt said hopefully.
Burt looked at him seriously. "And you're sure about this? Because you aren't going to be able to change your mind again."
Kurt matched his father's gaze. "I am sure this time, Dad. I'm really sure."
"Okay, kid. I'll give Notre Dame a call." Burt grinned as Kurt threw his arms around him again. "But there is one condition: You have to come out of your room."
Sebastian had been back at school just long enough to realize that Kurt had moved in with Finn when Quinn showed up at his door.
"Hey, Sebastian," she said from his doorway.
"Hey," he said, continuing to glare at Sam's unfamiliar posters.
"How was your break? I didn't hear from you." Sebastian could tell that she was trying to sound casual, but it wasn't a casual question.
He'd been too busy worrying about Kurt to worry about Quinn over break. "Oh shit, sorry, Quinn. I'm an asshole."
"No, I mean, it's okay. I just wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me," Quinn said nervously.
Sebastian smiled at her. "Nope, not mad. I just got busy saying 'how high' whenever my father said 'jump.'"
Quinn crossed the room to stand next to him. "Good. Because I wanted to thank you for that night. Most of the time when I'm with a guy it doesn't really mean anything. But being with you was so different. When I'm with you, I feel like someone actually might love me and see me as more than just disposable." Sebastian turned to stare at her as she continued. "Please tell me you feel the same way."
For once, Sebastian had no idea what to say. He hadn't really bothered to consider how she would feel about all of this. "Quinn, I … shit. Look, you're amazing. You really are. And you deserve to have someone love you. You have no idea how much I wish it could be me."
"What do you mean?" Quinn asked, looking up at him in shock.
"I can't be with you, I'm sorry. I really wanted to. I thought I could. But I just can't." Sebastian couldn't keep having this conversation. He knew she deserved an explanation, but he couldn't give her one. So instead he turned to leave.
"Wait, Sebastian!" she said, starting to walk after him.
"I'm sorry, Quinn. I really am," he said, and then he left her standing alone in the middle of his room looking stunned.
A few days later, Sebastian finally cornered Kurt outside of rehearsal. "What the fuck, Kurt? I came back to school to find that you'd moved out, and now you won't even talk to me?"
"Not here!" Kurt hissed, and he dragged Sebastian into an empty classroom. "Aren't you the one who is so intent on keeping this secret? You'd think you'd try to be more discreet."
"Well, it isn't so easy for me to get you alone since you moved out without telling me," Sebastian said, glaring at Kurt.
"What did you expect me to do?" Kurt asked angrily. "You told me we were over! I figured I should give you some space."
"Moving out without talking to me is an awful lot of space." Sebastian seemed to deflate. He slumped back against the door.
Kurt realized that Sebastian looked tired. He sighed and crossed to stand a bit closer to Sebastian. "I don't understand what you expected me to do."
Sebastian looked down at the floor as he massaged the back of his neck with one hand. Kurt waited for him to speak. After a minute, Kurt reached out and rested a hand on his arm. "Sebastian …"
Sebastian looked up and met his eyes. "I was scared, Kurt. You were telling me that you weren't okay, and I couldn't think of any other solution."
"Did you really think that telling me we had to stop was going to make it okay?" Kurt said with a sigh.
"Not really." Sebastian rolled his eyes. "I wasn't thinking very clearly. You were saying that being with me and keeping it a secret was hurting you, and I … I couldn't tell anyone. So not being with you seemed like the only solution."
"But now it doesn't?" Kurt asked, raising one eyebrow.
"I just need more time, Kurt. I don't have a solution right now, but I will think of one if you give me the chance." Sebastian looked at him hopefully. It was so much harder to remember that he was supposed to give Sebastian room to think when Sebastian was standing right in front of him looking at him like that.
But there was one thing Kurt had to know. "Everyone is saying you slept with Quinn. Did you?"
Something flashed through Sebastian's eyes, but it was gone before Kurt could process it. He smiled and said, "Of course not. There are always rumors about me. Comes with the territory, I guess. But this one isn't any more true than the rest of them were. It's always been just you. It always will be."
Kurt felt his resolve crumble. He stepped in to Sebastian and brought his hand up to Sebastian's cheek to pull him in for a kiss. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Kurt and pulled him in tightly. He kissed Kurt frantically, as if he'd been afraid he might never have another chance.
After a few minutes, Kurt pulled back. Sebastian tried to chase his lips to pull him back in for another kiss, but Kurt put a hand on his chest. "We're late for rehearsal. We have to go."
Sebastian sighed and straightened himself out. "Okay, I'll leave. If there's no one in the hallway, you can follow."
Kurt slipped into the room just as Sister Emma was starting rehearsal. "Okay, everyone. We're going to work through Act 2, Scene 6 today, which means I'll be working with Sebastian, Finn, Lauren, and Quinn. The rest of you, Mike is going to work on the dancing for the party scene."
"Quinn is AWOL," Santana said from the corner.
Sister Emma looked confused. "AWOL?"
"She's. Not. Here. I haven't seen her since lunch," Santana explained.
"That's weird. Artie, can you go see if you can find her?"
Artie nodded and left the room.
"Finn, Sebastian, we can get started without her," Sister Emma said.
Sebastian and Finn moved to join her, while Kurt went to the other side of the room with everyone else. Kurt tried to focus on Mike as they worked through the dance sequence, but he couldn't help sneaking glances over at Sebastian.
After a few minutes, Sister Emma had reached Juliet's first line, but Artie still hadn't returned with Quinn. "Sugar, you're Juliet's understudy. You can play Juliet for now."
Sugar bounced across the room to join Lauren for their entrance. Kurt watched them out of the corner of his eye as Finn continued the scene. "Here comes the lady: O, so light a foot will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: A lover may bestride the gossamer that idles in the wanton summer air, and yet not fall; so light is vanity."
Sugar paused, clearly thinking about her line. "Good even … good evening …" she started, "I know it, I promise. Good evening…"
Kurt sighed and pulled away from Rachel, who he'd been dancing with. Clearly, Sugar didn't know the part. "Good even to my ghostly confessor," Kurt finished for her.
Sister Emma looked over at him. "Do you know the whole scene?" When he nodded, she said, "Come over here and play Juliet then!"
"Kurt can't be Juliet. He's a guy!" Sugar exclaimed.
"Kurt is a unicorn," Brittany said from the other side of the room, "that means he can be whatever he needs to be."
Kurt looked over at Brittany thoughtfully. Most of the time he felt like Brittany was living on a different planet from the rest of them, but every once in a while he wondered if she saw more than anyone else.
Kurt crossed the room to stand next to Sebastian, who raised an eyebrow at him. Kurt just shrugged and took his place beside Lauren.
When Sister Emma motioned for them to start, Kurt said his first line again. "Good even to my ghostly confessor."
"Romeo shall thank thee, daughter, for us both," Finn said with a slight laugh.
The next bit of blocking called for Juliet to reach a hand out to Romeo. Kurt moved hesitantly as he spoke. "As much to him, else is his thanks too much."
Sebastian looked over at Sister Emma, and she nodded to him so he took Kurt's hand. "Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more to blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath this neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue unfold the imagined happiness that both receive in either by this dear encounter."
Kurt couldn't help but think about the strange irony of finally getting to hold Sebastian's hand in public because they were acting. He tried to focus only on his lines as he spoke them and not on the feel of Sebastian's hand in his. "Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; but my true love is grown to such excess I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth." Sebastian squeezed his hand imperceptibly as Kurt said his last line.
"Come, come with me, and we will make short work; for, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone till holy church incorporate two in one," Finn said and crossed to stand in front of the chair that was serving as a pretend alter until the set was finished.
Instead of exiting at the end of the scene and getting married off stage, Sister Emma had directed Romeo, Juliet, and Friar Laurence to mime a wedding ceremony. Sebastian pulled Kurt's hand slightly to get him to cross over to where Finn stood and kneel in front of the imaginary alter. As Finn made the sign of the cross above their heads, Kurt snuck a glance at Sebastian. For a moment, he could picture how it would go. Sebastian and Kurt would get married somewhere far away from Ohio, New York City or maybe Boston, in some fabulous location. They'd wear complementary (but not matching) tuxes. Mercedes would be his maid of honor, and Lauren would be Sebastian's. Rachel would insist on singing at the reception. Burt would cry and then swear that he hadn't, but Kurt would know better. Kurt would kiss Sebastian in front of everyone they knew, and Sebastian would look at Kurt with nothing but love and joy. All of the strain of living a lie would be a distant memory.
Kurt scolded himself for daydreaming. He couldn't afford to get lost in a fantasy right now. He turned his attention to Finn as his stepbrother finished the scene. Sebastian pulled away from him as soon as it was over.
"Thanks Kurt!" Sister Emma said. "Why don't we go ahead and work on scenes that Juliet isn't in until Artie finds Quinn. You can go back to dancing."
Kurt took his place with the other dancers as Lauren, Finn, and Sebastian started to work on the scene where Friar Laurence told Romeo he'd been banished. After a few more minutes, they were interrupted by Artie who came back to tell Sister Emma that he couldn't find Quinn. Sister Emma looked concerned but continued on with rehearsal.
Half an hour later, rehearsal ended, and Kurt went to pack up his stuff. As he pulled his bag over his shoulder, Sister Emma appeared beside him. "Kurt, would you mind helping me carry the props back to my office?" Kurt agreed, of course, and grabbed a box full of swords.
Once he'd set the box down in her office, he turned to leave but saw that Sister Emma had shut the door. "Listen Kurt," she said, "I think we need to talk."
A stab of fear ran through Kurt. He had no idea what Sister Emma wanted to talk to him about, but it couldn't be anything good.
Instead of sitting down across the desk from him, Sister Emma turned to dig through a pile of pamphlets sitting on one of the shelves. In a moment, she seemed to find what she was looking for. She turned to him and handed him one with the title So You're In A Secret Relationship …
Kurt looked up at her in horror. "This is … I don't understand why you would give me this."
"Kurt," she said softly, "I'm a nun; I can see what is going on with you."
Kurt was reeling. He couldn't even begin to understand how she had figured it out. "Am I in trouble?"
"No, of course not! You're not in trouble, and I'm not going to tell anyone. I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you ever want to talk."
Kurt was stunned. It had been one thing for his father to support him when he found out, but Kurt had never imagined that any of the teachers at Dalton would accept him. At best, he'd expected that they'd offer to pray for him if they ever found out. Sebastian was convinced that they'd be kicked out of school. For the first time, it occurred to him that Sebastian might be wrong about this too. If even a nun was willing to reach out to a gay student, maybe the Church could change some day.
He surprised himself by reaching out and hugging Sister Emma. She was clearly startled, but she hugged him back awkwardly. "Thank you," he said as he pulled away, "I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
As he started to leave the room, Emma spoke again. "Kurt, before you go, I just want you to remember one thing." He looked back at her and she continued, "Don't ever let anyone convince you to be something you're not."
Kurt wasn't sure what to make of this, but he nodded and thanked her again as he left.
Quinn was sitting on her bed staring at her hands when Lauren walked in. She'd been wandering campus for the last few hours thinking that it might help the truth sink in, but it hadn't really done anything.
The sound of the door opening startled her. She hadn't spoken to a single person since she found out. It felt like a lifetime.
"Hey," Lauren said, flopping onto her bed, "What happened today? You missed rehearsal and now you've been replaced by Kurt as Juliet. He's pretty good, actually."
Quinn felt like Lauren was speaking gibberish. Nothing she said made any sense. When Quinn didn't respond, Lauren sat up and looked at her. "Quinn, are you okay? You look terrible."
Quinn laughed dryly. "Wow, thanks Lauren."
"Whatever. What's going on?" Quinn couldn't figure out how it would hurt to tell Lauren anyways. Everyone would know soon enough.
"It's just that you always think it can't happen to you." She pulled her knees to her chest and tried to make herself smaller. "I'm near the top of our class. I'm going to Yale. I'm too smart for this! I'm not that girl."
Lauren's eyes were wide as she stared at Quinn. "You're not …"
Quinn nodded. "I'm pregnant."
"Jesus Christ." Lauren crossed the room to sit next to Quinn and tentatively put a hand on her back.
"And you know that everyone will say that I ruined his life. No one will care that I had plans too or that he was an equal participant!" Quinn's numbness was fading into anger. "They'll just say that I'm the girl who ruined Sebastian Smythe's future."
Quinn felt Lauren's hand tense on her back. "Sebastian?"
Quinn closed her eyes. She definitely shouldn't have said that to Lauren before she told Sebastian. But it was too late to fix it now. "He's the only person I've slept with in months. I'm completely sure."
"I didn't realize you actually slept with him," Lauren said carefully.
Quinn nodded miserably. "I thought I was in love with him."
"Oh, Quinn." Lauren sighed. "With Sebastian, really? You couldn't have chosen someone who could actually love you back."
"It seemed like he did!" Quinn said loudly. "He knew how I felt, and he acted like he felt the same way, too. But after, well, he was just the same as everyone else."
"I'm really sorry my brother's an ass." Lauren shook her head. "I'm sorry for you both."
The two of them sat quietly for a few minutes with Lauren's arm wrapped around Quinn. When the alarm on Lauren's phone went off, she swore. "Shit, I have a meeting of the Magic the Gathering club. But I can skip it?"
"No," Quinn sighed, "you should go. I wouldn't mind being alone to think, honestly."
"Okay," Lauren said, "but text me if you need anything?"
Quinn nodded as Lauren left the room. She lay on her bed for an hour trying to figure out what she was going to do. It was obvious what her options were, but none of them seemed workable. Finally, she decided that she couldn't make this decision on her own. She pulled out her phone to text Sebastian.
To Sebastian (5:30pm):
Where are you? We need to talk.
From Sebastian (5:37pm):
Senior lounge.
Quinn took off for the lounge immediately. When she passed Artie in the hall, he tried to stop her to talk, but she blew by him without a word.
End Notes: The chapter title comes from "All Grown Up" from Bare: A Pop Opera.
