I just wanted you to be happy
with me
I did everything to make you happy
with me
I had your
letters, napkins, coffee drips
saved
with me
I had your
password, phone book, training underwear
preserved
with me
I had your wedding ring
ready
with my name
And we were going to be happy
Oh no… No! No, this can't be what I think it is oh no no no...
I should have gone straight instead of taking the right turn! My gut feeling is never wrong. Ohhhh why didn't I listen to it now? Now I'm… I don't know. Am I… dead? Oh god… I could be unconscious. I could still be in the car, only knocked out. I can't really pinch my arm through the winter coat, but… No, pinching my arm hurts. So I'm awake? This is so confusing…
"Hello? Hello-oo…?"
Ohhh there's no one here! What do I do, what do I do? Am I dead, am I unconscious, I don't even know where I am!
Wait, wait: don't panic. Panic is bad. Just keep calm and think. What was it the scout leader always said? If you get lost, you should… God, I should have stayed with the scouts longer. But weren't you supposed to hug a tree? I don't see any trees. There's nothing here at a-
"Oh but sweetie what are you doing here?" Good thing I spotted that! Sheesh, what if I hadn't seen it and wandered off without Kevin's library card? It must have fallen out of my pocket. "Back you go in there~"
He's something, my Kev. He wouldn't know where anything was if I didn't keep track of him. I can't stand that distressed look he gets when he can't find his car keys. Or his wallet. Or his gym card. Really, he's something. But he's cute.
He always made me feel safe. Or maybe "complete" is what I really mean. Like, when you meet the other half of your soul and you just know. Kevin made me feel like that from the moment I saw him. It's not really something he does: just having him around calms me. Maybe it's his smell? He doesn't smell anything particular except that after-shave that I find a little too sharp. Maybe it's something faint that I felt subconsciously. Smell is the most powerful sense humans have, I read. Although, I read that on the web so I don't know how much I should trust it.
I wonder if Kevin is thinking about me. Maybe he's weeping. Maybe he's cradling my lifeless body in his arms right now and weeping into the snow.
My darling baby.
Kevin likes his eggs over easy. They should only have a skin around them and then be all runny on the inside, so that when he cuts it is pours out over his breakfast plate. He likes them with one dash of white pepper and two dashes of salt, and two fresh thyme leaves on top. His cereals must be wholegrain, three fifths of the bowl and then light milk so that it just about reaches the topmost flakes. I usually cut some papaya for him to sweeten the cereals.
Nobody knows my baby like I do.
God, I miss him so much…
I know Kevin thinks about me. I keep finding things from him in the sand, as if he's sending them to me to comfort me. That's how strong our love is: even in death there's a connection between us.
I gave him this scarf on our half-year anniversary. It still looks practically new – he only uses it when I remind him. Silly boy, he knows he would forget it somewhere. I don't know how many times he has left it behind in restaurant bathrooms or on his seat at the movies. If I didn't keep an eye on what he wears he would have forgotten his own trousers, I'm sure of it.
Oh god, Kev… Yes, I remember when we had that argument. I remember when you said you had already decided to move out, that nothing could make you change your mind. But you did. You came back to me. You took this knife out of my hand when I was about to end myself. That's when I knew I couldn't live without you. You're my saviour. You're my everything.
Ohhh my pockets are full… But I can't leave it there. It's the paper coffee mug from our first date. I had a cappuccino and a blueberry tart, you had a macchiato.
I love you so much it hurts.
It's almost beautiful, this place. When you walk on the ridges of the sand dunes like this and you see far, far away. This is probably what things looked like in Arabian Nights. Maybe. I've never seen a real desert, but it should look like this, shouldn't it?
It's like it's always sunset here. Sunsets are so romantic. I've always wanted to have a romantic walk on the beach at sunset.
Now I'll never have one…
"Hey! Hey, little lady!"
Is that…? Is that a person? Oh thank god…!
It's a little risky to walk down the slopes here. The sand slides out from under your feet, and I can't brace a fall without dropping Kevin's gifts. I see this man wave at me from the dune across and slowly make my way down there. Sideways is best, one step at a time. Small steps. I got some of this sand into my shoes once – I don't want that to happen again. I pulled the grains out but it still hurts. I hope it doesn't get infected.
Suit jacket and military trousers? That's a combination I've never seen before. And a yellow rose in his jacket pocket. He's got a pair of combat boots hanging from his belt in a way that looks very uncomfortable, they bounce against his thigh with each step: I read that military boots have iron caps over the toes. They probably came with the trousers while the dress shoes he wears look like they belong with the suit. What an odd man.
He's got a knife.
No, what are they called, the big ones for the jungle? Machetes?
Why does he have a-
"Hi there!" He looks friendly, though. Dishevelled, but friendly. "You're looking quite okay, all things considered – I mean hey, we're in Hell after all."
We're in…?
"Hell? But… Are you sure this is hell?"
His smile becomes confused – then he laughs, like I just told a joke.
"I like that! I like that! You're something, little lady. So, if we're not in Hell, then what do you think this is?" He throws his arms out, and there's a tear gaping in the dress shirt under the suit. "Heaven's beach resort? Playa del Paradiso?"
I don't know. How would I know? I haven't met anyone else here, I haven't had anybody to ask, I-!
"But… why would I be in hell?" I don't believe him. I don't want to. I don't even believe in hell, I haven't done anything wrong, ever – nothing that could get me here…!
"Forgot to ask at the reception desk?" he grins, and I assume it's a joke even though it isn't funny. I'm scared and he isn't funny. I want to get out of here and none of this is funny. I can feel panic building up because I always hiccup when I panic and now I'm starting to hiccup.
"I don't know – doesn't matter either, does it?" He shrugs, and I can't tell if his smile is a smile or if it's a grimace. "The past is the past, we are where we are and we gotta make the best of it. I'm Tony, by the way." He holds out a hand, and this time it's a smile. His hand has rings on almost every finger, some plain and some with precious stones set in them. "Sorry it's a leftie-handshake: my right's a little… yeah." His hand is wrapped with a dirty bandage when he lifts it. That really doesn't look sanitary. "You know what this sand's like. So what's your name?"
I can't take his hand without dropping Kevin's gifts, so I nod. I can't keep my eyes from going to the machete in his belt. I don't like weapons.
"Arundhati."
"Pretty name. You need any help with that?"
With carrying? Well, yes, but… no. I don't want help. These are my memories of Kevin, I don't want this stranger to touch them.
I don't even want him to look at them. These are my memories and his eyes are prying at them.
"Excuse me, but… these are private." I turn a little sideways to make my point.
"Sure thing, sure thing – I didn't mean to offend, just wanted to lend a hand." Tony's hands come up front, showing he has no intention of pushing further. "Sticking together is the best way of surviving here. You were looking at this, right?" The machete at his hip gives off a metallic ring when he pats it. "She's my best friend here. Keeps the demons from getting me. I've tried to think of a name but I was never really good at naming stuff. I had a goldfish when I was eight – my dad was allergic to fur animals. Named him Fishy. That's about how imaginative I am", he grins and shakes his head. "So, Arundhati: you got a weapon? Or a place to stay?"
"No. I don't have anything like that." I feel stupid, suddenly. I haven't even thought about that. That I'm even alive after this long is probably a fluke, with how I've been wandering around so thoughtlessly.
What if I had run into a demon? I have the fruit knife Kevin sent, I don't think that would be of much use. I would probably just hiccup…
"Well, you're welcome to stay at my place. It isn't Grand Hotel, but it's better than being out in the open. Like I said", he turns back in the direction he came from, tossing the last words at me over his shoulder, "sticking together is how you survive here."
I almost drop my gifts. The back of his head is all torn up, there's- there's skin dangling from his scalp and bare skull underneath and…!
Does he even know he's injured?
"So…" *hic* "How long have you been here?"
"A while. Can't exactly tell time here. Found a watch here once but it had stopped."
"When I left, it was year-"
"No! No-hohoho little lady, we don't talk about that stuff here, no. See I figured out why that ol' watch had stopped. You know why it stopped? 'cause this is eternity." Tony throws out his arms and speaks in a husky voice all of a sudden, like someone who is telling a miraculous secret to a child. "And I'm gonna be here for eternity – hell it feels like I've been here an eternity already. If you tell me it's only been ten months or something in the land of the living I'm gonna crack in the head." Tony looks at me over his shoulder. Just a glance, as if he's making sure I'm still here. I still haven't asked about his head wound. I don't think I dare. "And believe me, you don't want to crack in the head. Then it's over. Finito. You lose your fighting spirit and it's only a matter of time before they get you. Ha-HAAAAA time! Got you again, Tony, got you good, ahahaaa 'time'…"
I don't like Tony when he does that. We've been walking for a while now, and he's friendly and all, but then sometimes he does that. He… bursts out random things that I don't understand. It scares me a little that he talks to himself like that. I don't know what else he might do when he does those sudden things but I don't know how I'll… I couldn't run away, and I can't make up some excuse about being busy the way I do when the man at Wayne's Coffee asks me out. It was nice of him to offer me a place to stay where it's safe, it would be rude of me to suddenly change my mind and say I'd rather stumble around alone in the desert.
I don't want to stumble around in the desert. I don't want to go with Tony either. I want to go home.
I'm so glad you sent me these, Kev. It feels like a piece of home. Home… Oh I'm going to start crying…! I wanna go home! That's all I want! I wanna curl up with the blanket in our couch and I wanna lean on your shoulder and fall asleep to Notting Hill! I wanna hear you say you hate that movie! I wanna smell your Boss No. 6 cologne on the pillow when I wake up! I wanna sleep! I wanna eat!
I wanna… I wanna cry…
"Tony…" *hic* "Is there any way out of here?" I sound like I'm crying, but I'm not. I can't. I want out of this place! And Tony doesn't even stop, he doesn't turn around to comfort me, he doesn't do anything for me…!
"If there was a way out of here then I sure wouldn't be here, sweetie. I'd be in a villa on the Riviera with eight yappy Yorkshire terriers. Yeah that's where I'd be – but don't think about that, Tony. That's a nightdream in a daymare. Think too much about it and you'll crack. Actually, Arundhati, you should do the same."
I don't want to. I don't want to do anything he tells me, I just want to go home and be with Kevin.
"The more you cling to the past the sooner you'll crack. It's gone. You gotta crawl out of the cocoon and embrace your new self in a new life. New self, new world, new rules. And here we are, home sweet home~!"
Tony throws his arms out as if he's greeting the… I don't know what to call it. It looks like something out of a refugee camp in Africa. There's something that I think is supposed to be a tent strung up between some of those black rocks. It's made of everything he could find: blankets, clothes, aprons, plastic bags… assorted things, all tied together. There's assorted things strewn about the place. Someone must have sent Tony things the way Kevin sent things to me. There's teacups and rollerblades and more of the military apparel. It is home sweet home. You can actually build a home, even here, and if Kevin keeps sending me things then soon I can build a tent of my own and I won't have to live with Tony!
"You live here? It looks nice."
"Yeah, well, like I said: no Grand, but better than nothing. Feel free to put your stuff wherever you want, breakfast is served at eight thirty, no talking after midnight."
Tony chuckles at his own jokes again. He's looking at me and I don't know what he's seeing. He's looking at me weirdly. Is he waiting for me to put my gifts down? I don't know why, but I don't want to. I don't trust him. He might take my gifts.
Why is he looking at me like that…?
"Hahaaaa! I get it, I get it!" Oh no, he has one of those scary outbursts again. What do I do? What do I do what do I do? "It's greed, right? Your sin, it was greed – just look at how you're clutching that load of trash!"
He thinks he's funny. He thinks he's so funny.
He isn't. And this is not trash.
*hic*
"Look, Arundhati, I'm gonna tell you something, and it's something important so you better listen." Now he's all serious – I don't understand this man. Is he insane? I've never met an insane person. Is it his head wound? Is he acting…? "Sin is a parasite. A disease. It eats us. It eats in here." He taps a finger at his temple, taps hard, like he's trying to push through his skull and god don't think about his skull. "And you gotta stop feeding it right away, or it will eat all there is. Get it? There will be nothing of you left, only a sin that's never satisfied. You gotta stay human, right? You wanna stay human, don't you?"
Oh god I don't like when he looks at me like that why's he coming closer I don't want him close!
"It's important to stay human, Arundhati." There's madness in his eyes. I don't doubt it anymore, I can't, he is mad. "It's so easy to lose oneself in this place. No laws, no society; we become animals if we don't remind ourselves to stay human. Try letting go. Trust me, let it go. Let it go. Let it go!"
He's taking my things! He's taking my- He's grabbing my wrists and he's going to take all my-!
*hic*
I… I don't know what happened there for a moment. Tony was trying to make me let go of Kevin's gifts and… I might have hit him. I don't know. But he's holding my wrists, and all my gifts are in the sand. I'm trembling. I'm, I…I want to reach down and pick my things up and I want to do it so much, I have to do it – it isn't natural. Or is it? I lost everything when I died, of course I want to preserve my things – our things – but maybe… this is the sin Tony meant?
"You feel it?" he asks me. His eyes are searching all over my face, darting back and forth and I don't know what he's looking for. Suddenly I don't know if he's sane and I'm the one who has gone off the cliff. "You do, right? You feel how it's trying to control you?"
I nod. What else am I supposed to do? He's holding both my hands and he has a machete and he might be insane I might be insane!
"Tony… help…"
I don't know anything anymore.
*hic*
"Sshhh it's alright, I'm here. I'll help you."
I'm trembling. I don't know what's happening. I just want to leave this place. Tony is saying something but I can't hear him. He's leading me towards the tent and we're sitting on the jumbled fabrics under it. I feel my gifts calling to me from the sand, the emptiness is itching in my hands – is this sin? Am I being eaten alive? Is it too late for me?
I want to sleep.
I want to fall asleep and get away from this. Just a few minutes – please? Just a-
scream
I don't. I can't.
Is it real? It can't be.
It moved.
It's real. It's real, it's-real-it's-real-it's-
"Sshhh it's alright, Arundhati."
Don't say my name like that.
But I don't say a word I don't even breathe because there's a- there's a person with-
"They're not humans", Tony tells me calmly.
And then I see there's two of them. They look human. I don't know, I don't know I don't know I don't know!
Humans, stripped naked on the fabric scraps under the tent baldachin. They have to be humans. I just wish they weren't oh god I wish they weren't! They have no feet, no hands, no- I can see their bones, cut off clean at ankles and wrists and packed in flesh and it's grey, like cheap minced meat when you cook it, all stuffed into skin like arm and leg sausages…!
M-minced… meat…
They're looking at me. Their arms and legs are bound, their mouths are filled with plastic bags, and they're looking at me.
They're looking at me like people who want to die.
"They're…"
"They were human." Tony speaks, and one of the not-humans makes gagged noises through the plastic. "Then sin took them. There's nothing you can do when sin takes 'em. They're not human anymore."
I don't want them to be human. Why would I think such a horrible thing? But I don't want them to be. They scare me and disgust me those maimed limbs I don't want to think about their pain but their eyes scream at me, plead to me, and I…
"Why are they alive…?" I whisper, because I don't want them to hear me. I don't want these men to be anywhere near me.
"'cause I'm no fucking killer, that's why." I shrink. Tony sounds angry and I shrink inwardly and wish I could disappear. "You calling me a killer, Arundhati?"
*hic*
"No." Machete. He's insane and he has a machete. He's insane and he has a machete. "I just thought… They're in a lot of pain."
I'm scared. Kev, I'm scared, please, I don't know what to do I don't know what this man is going to do and he's leaning closer to my face please Kev I-
*hic*
"You know who would be in pain if they weren't? Me. 'cause these fucks attacked me." The bound ones make noise again and I try not to listen, I try not to show Tony how scared I am. "These slimy little shits took advantage of my hospitality and tried to kill me." More noise, thin noise, desperate noise please shut up! "This is Hell", Tony says, and I feel his breath against my face. "They're here 'cause they deserved it. We're all here 'cause we deserved it. Me, I just do what I gotta do to stay human and stay alive." Tony's eyes are drilling into my skull. "Got a problem with that?"
I shake my head. I can't breathe.
I have to get away from here.
"Oh Gluttonyyyyy~"
A woman? There's a woman here?
Tony's head turns sharply towards the voice; the torn skin flaps against his scalp. He looks at me again: distracted, rushed. Then he looks towards the voice.
"Right here, Mistress."
This might be my chance. If his attention is on this woman, I can-
By the name of the gods that looks like Kali.
Stories childhood memories flood in I hear the ankle bells of Kali jingle jingle as she dances the world to destruction drinks the blood of her enemies and kills and kills and kills and
*hic*
I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing I stumble over Tony but I don't care if he's hurt I have to get away – home, home home I wanna go home!
Kevin's gifts!
Just one tiny little memory to comfort me, I have to, just one! I scrabble for his favourite pen and while I'm at it I grab his scarf with my other ha-
"Not a chance!"
I fall flat under Tony's weight and I scream. The sand is pushing in through my winter jacket, in through my face and
I can hear Kali laughing and
is that me screaming?
I sound like an animal, like a monkey in rage – I feel like one. I thrash, I kick, I shred my hands on the sand and Tony is straddling me and pushing me down he's screaming something but I can't hear him it's like a hurricane blowing in my head.
Kevin's knife. Kevin's knife is in the sand.
"Thank you, baby!"
I jam the knife in Tony's thigh and now I hear him scream I jam it in again and I use all force I have to wrench sideways onto his injured leg. I will live, I will live, I will get away and I will live!
I fall.
I have no left foot.
OH GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS!
"See what happens when you become your sin? See what happens Arundhati? You start killing people."
Tony is above me and he's mad, he's looking at me like I'm mad but it's him that's mad god please please put the machete away I-!
"Good show, Gluttony. You can keep that one." Kali is dragging the others out of the tent, she's dragging them by their heads oh god…! "That torn-up look won't be good for business."
Her fingers are in their eye sockets. Like bowling balls.
*hic*
Tony isn't holding his machete anymore. I don't know when he put it away, it doesn't matter when he put it away. I hurt. My face, my body, my leg is exploding and everything hurts and I'm crying yet not crying, and Tony is unwrapping the bandage from his right hand.
"Tony, pl-uah please, Tony, Tony…!" He's not listening, I see it in his eyes.
To him I'm insane.
His hand is on my chest – a tattoo? He had a tattoo under the bandage? What does-
"Stay human and stay alive." His eyes are frightened. His lips are quivering and his eyes are frightened. "That's all there is."
He knows I'm not insane. He knows? What's that light from his hand? What's happening?!
"Ton-"
My ribs are breaki
