Chapter 4: Head Vs. Heart
You were searching for relief
"Rick," Kate whispers, closing her eyes. She scoots closer to him and wraps her arms around him.
He is slightly surprised at her actions but quickly puts his arms around her, drawing her closer and savoring this closeness. They stay like that for several minutes, and when he feels her try to pull back, he tightens his grip on her, never wanting to move from this position. He feels her lips brush against his cheek, which causes him to loosen his hold, and she extricates herself from his arms. However, she does not move back to her end of the couch. "Kate…" he begins, then decides he has no idea what to say.
"I'm fine, Rick. Thanks to you, nothing happened to me."
"See? I can't stop shadowing you. And even if I'm there, you might not be so lucky next time."
"It's –"
"I know you can't help it, Kate. I know that it's just part of the job. But I still don't like it."
She gives him a small smile, "And I don't like seeing you in danger either."
He reaches for her hand again, "Kate… I have something I need to tell you."
"I'm listening," she squeezes his hand, looking down at it to search for the bruises still visible on his knuckles from attacking the man who was trying to shoot her.
He lifts his free hand to tuck a strand of hair that had fallen from her hair tie behind her ear. Then he gently nudges her chin up to make her look at him. "I love you, Kate."
She drops her chin again, averting her eyes from his, and he lets her. The fact that she doesn't completely pull away from him provides some assurance that she isn't going to completely reject him. He knows she needs some time to gather her thoughts and articulate them.
"Rick… I'm with Josh right now."
"I know you are. But I just thought that you needed to know this. If you like him, I'll back off."
She raises her green eyes to meet his blue ones. "I like you, Rick. I really do. But I can't just break up with Josh right now. We were happy together. At least we were before he left, before my mom's case, and before… this. I don't want to say no to you, Rick. But I need time to think about this, about what I want and what's best for me."
"I want you to be happy, Kate. And if he makes you happy, then I'll settle for just being partners. Or if that's too awkward, I'll just quit shadowing you altogether," he squeezes her hand gently before pulling his hand from hers. "I should probably go."
"You don't have to," she says quickly. "We can put in a movie or something. It'd be better than both of us thinking about this all night long."
"I thought you said you needed to think," he studies her, now somewhat confused.
"I… do." Kate bites her lips, "But the more you distract me, the less time I'll have to think about this, and then things will end up better off for you."
"Then you're going to be stuck with me until Tuesday. We'll be inseparable, like peanut butter and jelly."
"Peanut butter… and jelly?" she looks at him skeptically. "Castle, I think you may be losing your touch if that's the best you can come up with."
"Short notice," he smiles lightly.
"You can pick. I'm too lazy to make a decision."
"I'll be the jelly then," he stands to look through her movie collection. "Really, Beckett? I never would have pegged you as such a Disney fan."
"The things you don't know, Castle…"
"Which is your favorite?" he asks, pulling out one of the DVDs and putting it in.
"Today it is probably Lion King. When I was little… I don't really know that I had a favorite."
"You didn't like Lion King back then?" he asks, settling back down beside her.
"I was a teenager when it came out."
"Oh… I guess it just feels like those movies have been around forever. I forget that they're a little after our time."
"Or a lot after in your case," she smirks, leaning against him slightly.
"Hey, I'm not that much older than you."
"What was your favorite?"
"Peter Pan."
"So why are we watching Lady and the Tramp then?" she gestures to the television, which is waiting for them to press the play button.
"Because… I just kind of picked one."
"Right," she grins. "The fact that you picked a romantic story is just a coincidence."
"Yes," he smiles back, wondering how he can get his arm around her without her noticing and causing him pain.
As the movie starts, she gives him a timid glance before resting her head on his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't get the wrong idea. He takes this as an invitation to put his arm around her. They sit, both engrossed in the movie, until the kiss scene. He looks down at her, suddenly getting the urge to kiss her again. She is busy watching the screen and doesn't notice what he is doing until she feels his lips press against her forehead.
Kate lifts her head up to look at him, "Castle…" He stares into her emerald eyes for a long moment before leaning forward to capture her lips with his. It takes a second for her to react and return the kiss, but she quickly pulls away when he tries to deepen it. "No," she says, forceful yet gentle. "That's not going to help anything."
"Sorry," he whispers, still staring at her. He is relieved when she returns to her previous position because she apparently trusts him enough not to do it again and because he hasn't completely ruined his chances with his momentary lapse in judgment.
When the movie ends, she sits up and looks over at him nervously. "You… you can stay tonight if you want."
"I don't know, Kate." He really wants to, but he doesn't think it best to push his luck.
"It's late, Castle. Just stay. You have to… stay on the couch because… it's… wrong for you to be in there… with me. But maybe… knowing I'm in the next room will help with the nightmares. And… I even promise to refrain from shooting you if you need to come in and check that I'm still okay in the middle of the night."
He examines her face and sees the she is being completely serious. "Okay… as long as you don't have a problem with it."
"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't sure, Castle. Let me go get you a pillow and blanket. I might have a t-shirt that'll fit you but I don't think I have bottoms for you."
"It's fine. I'll sleep in my boxers. Or I can keep my jeans on if you'd rather me do that."
"Doesn't matter," she says, heading off to her bedroom. She returns a couple minutes later bearing a blanket, pillow, and white t-shirt.
"Thank you. Good night, Kate."
"Night, Castle." She gives him a small smile before heading back to her bedroom, where she changes into pajama pants and a tank top. Once she has climbed under the covers, she tries to shut her mind off in order to sleep. This doesn't go so well; an hour later she is still wide awake, her head and her heart too conflicted to allow her to rest.
A/N: Decided to update a little early. And I wrote another chapter this weekend. Three more to go. Anyway, I will try to update again Tuesday, but I'm kind of busy that day so I may not get to it until Wednesday. Thanks for reading.
