It had been months. And you were still recovering, both physically and mentally. There was a point in time when they did consider killing you, ironically enough, in the name of mercy in which they claimed they didn't have. They had beaten you until you were almost dead. But a 'miracle' happened…and you lived.
You didn't think it was fair. Dave should have lived. He should be the one recovering from his scars at home. But no, you sit here in your quarters and think of him. And the Sufferer. You barely write anymore. And when you do, it's not your writing. It's as if it is someone else. Sometimes, it would be the way Dave would write.
As if he had possessed your hand and was writing to you. You would read over it after you were done and it would be him. And if it was not Dave, it would be the Sufferer's writing, sending you words of comfort.
Crows have been gathering outside of your window. Usually, it would be birds of all kinds. Animals were usually attracted to you. They loved you. But now, only crows gather. Not that you minded. You would share bread with them; they and Aradia became your only company.
Most of the time, you avoided eye contact with Gamzee. You keep your head lower than when you had first come here. You avoided talking to him more then what was necessary. At night, you would curl up by yourself and cry.
Your back would ache and you would have nightmares, but your life as a slave went on. Why? Because this was the suffering that came from being a slave. If you didn't want this, you shouldn't have let them take you away. Now and then, you still find yourself praying for death. Sometimes you would lay alone and just groan in mental and physical agony.
Anxiety had taken over your life.
And you really didn't know if you could take it anymore.
Sometimes, you would stare at the knives on the dinner table, wondering how deep a cut on your wrist it would take to end it all. You couldn't shake these thoughts. Death sounded like a mother who wanted to rock her child to sleep. You thought about using ropes too, sometimes even guns. But you didn't dare share this with anyone.
And of course Dave and the Sufferer's writing kept you from it. They warned you not to. You listened. Like a good little slave.
And you HATED it.
—
== You sat in your respiteblock, with your head in your hands and thinking for the thousandth time this month, and last month, and the one before that. You had done absolutely nothing but thinking lately. Your entire kingdom was at war with LOHAC, and while you seemed to be winning, you still were losing men in huge numbers.
LOHAC wasn't the thing you thought about the most, though. You absolutely fucking don't care about LOHAC compared to the feelings of guilt and self-hatred in your stomach over Tavros.
You'd pretty much figured out your feelings in the aspect of Tavros.
You were so motherfucking flushed for him.
You had fucked up so bad. Everything you had ever done was absolutely destroyed in that moment. You punched him, beat him, and made him watch you kill his friend and possible future moirail. When he had finally gone back to living life to a state where he could serve you again, he clicked right back into the place a slave was supposed to be.
A negative acquaintance.
You didn't like it. You didn't like the fact that he didn't look at you anymore. You didn't like that he didn't smile. You didn't like the fact that he always looked like he wanted to cry in your presence. You didn't like that you wanted nothing more than to grab him and hold him and let him cry in your arms.
You were a Subjugglator, not a motherfuckin mother.
If you tried to speak to him with anything else other than an order, he would turn his head and one word answer you. You had gained yourself a silent slave.
You didn't like it.
So you decided you were going to try and fix things.
Make everything okay.
And that's why you entered the slave quarters for the first time, without intention of making Tavros do something for you, in months.
—
You glance up at him, with dead brown eyes. The life has been draining out of you since that day. You sat on the corner of your bed, curled into a ball, hugging your knees. Your shirt was gone. You had been touching your wounds. They were scabbed over, and you were just running your fingertips over them.
Shaking, you look back down away from him. You didn't want him to look at you. Not like this. Not in anyway. You weren't sure what you wanted from him. You weren't even sure if you wanted your freedom anymore. Your books were spread in front of you. The ones you've been writing in.
You didn't utter a word. Not a single word. You glance up for a moment and see Aradia walk by the quarters, peeking in with a look of concern on her face. You look back down, burying your face into your hands. You…didn't want her or Gamzee to see you. Not like this.
You just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
—
He looked absolutely pitiful. Your stomach crawled at the sight of him like this, you didn't like it, you didn't like it one bit. You didn't like the rust wounds he was running his fingers over, you didn't like the look on his face when he looked at you. His entire being was just dead.
You take a deep breath and sit on the bed next to him when he finally looks away from you and puts his head in his hands. Maybe you should get him a recuperacoon, even though slaves were normally meant to go without them. You shrug.
The bed sinks under your weight lightly, and you just look at him, reaching out and gently rubbing his shoulder.
"hey."
—
You flinch away from his touch like it was fire. Might as well be. You glance up at him, tears in your eyes. Your lip quivers roughly. You hold back a sob. You really didn't want to be touched ever again. Your back ached. You ached. And if had been months. You were moody, and unstable. Unbalanced. You hated it.
"„,h-hEY," Your finally manage to sob out.
Your chest hurt too. Your fingers twitch. They wanted to write. You denied them.
—
"… i think we should… i t-think we should talk." You're trying so hard to keep your voice at one consistent level. You've been trained for years to fluctuate your words to freak out rusts, but you don't want to freak him out. You want to hold him close to you and let him cry.
His face hurts every fiber of you. He looks like he wants to die and he probably does. You wonder if he can see on your face the amount of pain this is causing you as well.
You want to cry too.
You can't, though. You can't cry. You don't cry. Messiahs don't cry. It'll mess up their makeup and show their weaknesses. It doesn't stop your eyes from watering up. You hold it back successfully, though.
You pitied Tavros.
He didn't pity you.
You weren't going to let yourself get that vulnerable in front of him, not yet.
You pull your hand away and sit cross-legged on the bed, crossing your fingers together in front of you.
".. talking would be good."
—
You really didn't want to talk. Talking was pretty useless to you at this point. But still, you looked up at him, your expression still cold and dead. You wished you could stop thinking. You wish you didn't remember anything. You wish none of this ever happened.
You wished there wasn't war going on. You hated the concept. But…you felt the urge to fight; to run away during the night to the Land of Heat and Clockwork, and offer your services to them, in Dave's memory.
But at the same time, you couldn't leave Aradia. You couldn't leave the crows. You couldn't leave Gamzee, as much as you wanted to, so you can be free once again. Now you want to fight. You wanted to make the Summoner proud. You wanted to make the Sufferer proud. And most of all, Dave.
But you knew this was impossible.
So, you hung your head again, and continued to be the pitiful slave.
"oKAY," You barely whisper.
—
== You turn yourself so that you sit in front of him, this time. You're not exactly sure what to say. You reach out and move his hair from his face, before stroking it gently and then pulling your hand away and looking down as well.
"i'm sorry." You whisper, almost so quiet not even you can hear. The room is completely empty aside from you two, though, so there's no other noise.
== You hug yourself, digging your claws into your shoulders slightly. No crying, motherfucker.
"i'm so fuckin sorry. and i know i don't motherfuckin deserve to say this. i fucked up. i fucked up bad. yeah, i'm a motherfuckin indigoblooded asshole i know. i know i'm nothing but that and fuck i deserve all of the hate you probably feel for me."
== Fuck, now you're too far in. Confession.
"i don't really know, i'm a fuckin idiot. i don't know how to handle things. i was hatched alone and raised my fuckin self for the first six sweeps of my fuckin life. the second part of my life, the one i'm in now, i'm still practically raising myself. i just get beat more."
== You're trying so, so hard not to fluctuate your words.
"i know what you're feeling. captive, held back, restricted. i've been through all that bullshit. if you want you can fuckin ask me about that, but i don't really want to elaborate right now."
== You slide your hand into your now long again hair, biting your lip.
"and fuck, you know what. if you can't fuckin stand me, if you want, i'll let you go. give you full fuckin freedom. i can't fuckin stand this anymore, tavros. i can't MOTHERFUCKING STAND THIS BULLSHIT. i can't."
—
You tried to listen carefully. You tried to look him in the eyes. You tried to feel sorry for him. But…you really couldn't bring yourself to do so. Because, at this point, you were worse off than Gamzee. At first, when you were free, of course you had the better life. You had a lusus who cared for you and a home. You were smart and educated. And you were looked up to by the people around you.
But then that day, the day you were taken, your life…became much worse. He offered you your freedom. What would you do with it now? Your lusus was dead. The Summoner was gone. Karkat was gone. Dave was gone… Who would you go to?
Where would you go? No one would want you. That failure. The one the Summoner chose as the second heir, even though they were of the same blood. That mockery of the Taurus. Your old life was gone. The brands on your neck and wrist say so.
"i'M„,n-nOT GOING ANYWHERE„," You mutter sadly.
You reach back, rubbing the brand on your neck. Tracing it. Such a beautiful symbol, yet so evil. You had nothing more to say now. You didn't want to talk, as stated earlier. You just…wanted to sleep forever.
—
== It wasn't working. You sigh. Tavros looked so tired; you wondered how the night terrors were working. You shrug. Bribery could work…
"i'm not leaving until we get our conversation on. if you talk to me like a rational troll i'll get you a recuperacoon."
—
You didn't want anything. Not a damn thing. You shook a little bit and tucked your head in so that it was against your knees. You felt the sobs coming again, the tears. You…didn't need anything from him.
"„,wHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING? w-wHAT DID YOU DO?" You're voice was quivering, going in and out.
"b-bESIDES WHAT A-ANY NORMAL SUBJUGGLATOR DOES,"
You grit your teeth together. If this was really anyone's fault…you blamed the Grand Highblood. He could have just left Gamzee alone and let him be himself. But then he went and changed him. You begin to shake again…and make a mental note to yourself.
Once you were strong, like The Summoner, if it ever happened…The Grand Highblood would be dying at your hands. Him and any other Subjugglator you can find.
—
== He's starting to cry again. You reach out and wipe the rust from his eye.
"i guess you're right. I'M THE PERFECT MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUGGLATOR. that's what i'll always fuckin be, right? I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS, for ten motherfuckin seconds, JUST TO SEE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND ME."
== You pull your hand away from his cheek; deciding only small touches are what you were going to do. At least until he relaxes.
"and when i motherfuckin die, THERE WILL BE CELEBRATION IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN STREETS. people will dance and sing and have fuckin parties on my death. WANT TO KNOW WHY?
because i'm an unbearable bastard."
== You shrug.
"I ACCEPTED THAT YEARS AGO. but that doesn't mean i can't be sorry for hurting someone i considered a friend."
—
When he reaches to touch you, you try to turn your head away. You flinch again when he does. You didn't want to be touched ever again. Not even if it had nothing to do with pain or not. You just…You didn't want to. You run your hands along your wounds.
In full honesty…you wouldn't be the one doing that. You would feel so upset. But you knew Gamzee would live longer than you so it's a day you really don't have to worry about. If it came down to it…when and if you do take the Summoner's role…You couldn't kill Gamzee. Karkat would think you were so weak right now…
"i-i WOULDN'T„," You mutter into your knees.
—
== You sigh and stop touching him.
"you wouldn't?" You laugh, kind of empty. "i sure fuckin would. can i tell you something i've never fuckin told anyone?"
You don't wait for him to answer.
"i may treat the Grand Highblood with respect, even to the extent where i can't say his name without respect and always being afraid of him coming for me. i would celebrate the day he died, and not just because i'd become the next one."
You curl up. You don't care if he doesn't want to talk, you're going to.
"he killed my lusus."
—
You stay quiet, and look up at him slowly. You suddenly understood him more. Your eyes grew soft; less dead, more alive. None the less, you notice he had curled up too. You reach out, and take his hand, like you've done so many times before.
Though to this day, you still wonder why he killed Dave over something so petty and meaningless. You weren't worth killing over. Not at all. And…God you missed Dave. He misses you too. He wrote…through your fingers. Either that or you were just going mad.
But, you still held Gamzee's hand, in a soft manner. Comforting. You understood. Your lusus was dead and gone too. You move closer to him, and rest you forehead against his, closing your eyes. Maybe, just maybe…
You could comfort each other.
—
== When Tavros looks up at you, eyes soft and comforting, it's almost as if everything inside you sighs with relief and hurt at the same time. You feel so happy and so upset. On one hand, Tavros is finally responding, but on the other hand you just remembered.
Oh God, he killed your lusus.
You didn't want to remember that, the day that you finally got to see your lusus again was when he was pulled onto the surface and harpooned by your ancestor. As if it was the lusus' fault for never being there, for being too busy to ever just come around.
You're starting to tear up as the repressed memory comes back, but you don't as suddenly a hand is wrapped around yours. This feeling, it had just motherfuckin disappeared in the last months. It was gone, completely. Poof. You slide your fingers in between his, squeezing lightly.
When he presses his forehead against yours, you take your other hand and bring it back up to his hair, ruffling it very lightly.
"i'm so sorry."
—
You take another deep breath. Cracking your eyes open to look into his. You let your other hand settle on his shoulder. Then, you slide it towards his eye, gently wiping away a small tear before it fell.
"d-dON'T BE„," You mutter.
You really should…be stronger.
"c-cAN WE JUST„,cOMFORT EACH OTHER? p-pLEASE?"
That was all you wanted right now. And you're sure that's all he wanted too. Someone to lean on. Just like you. You…You were the only one who even remotely understood him weren't you?
—
== Shit.
You blink your eyes rapidly, stopping yourself from crying. What tear? You never cried. You don't cry. Okay, you may have cried.
"that didn't happen." You laugh, "I DIDN'T JUST MOTHERFUCKING SHED A TEAR. and make myself out to be totally vulnerable. I'M STILL A BIG STRONG HIGHBLOOD."
You bring your other hand up to the one on your shoulder, pulling it down and bringing both of his hands to your lips, kissing them gently.
"a big, bad, evil highblood."
—
You look away again, this time out of embarrassment. You then remember the kiss from that day. How rough it felt. Kind of unpleasant. Your ears go down. He had kissed your hands. Your filthy rust hands.
"„,y-yEAH„,aND i'M A FILTHY RUST BLOOD, r-rIGHT?" You grumbled.
You moved closer to him, wrapping your arms around his back. You press your cheek against your shoulder the best you could, trying not to hit him with your horns or anything. You rubbed his back softly, letting your eyes slip shut again. Then you remembered how much your back hurt.
—
== You smile at his little comment, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, avoiding his back.
"you're not filthy; I MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOU CLEAN."
It was true.
Some masters didn't allow their slaves to bathe, but the idea honestly disgusted the living Hell out of you. Maybe it was because you had to wash so often because you had to maintain a sense of royalty, but the idea of not showering made you feel absolutely and completely repulsed.
You hold him close, trying to just hold onto this moment.
You doubted there would be many more.
—
You pulled yourself into his grip, groaning softly. Your back was really starting to hurt. On days like this, it would ache a lot. The wounds would throb, just like they are doing now.
"gOD„," You sigh.
You were tired of sitting like this. You wanted to move. But you didn't dare say anything. You just kept your head on his shoulder.
"wILL„,t-tHE WAR BE OVER SOON?" That was a dumb question.
Why would you ask that? It would probably rage on for ages. And the ending probably won't be a peaceful one. All this bloodshed going on…You felt like it's your entire fault. You should have just stayed away from Dave from the start. Then none of this would have ever happened.
—
"no." You say bluntly, pulling away from him and moving your head out of the way so they you don't hit his horns. You look him in the eyes, locking rust with indigo. "it's probably going to last for another sweep or two. MAYBE ANOTHER THREE."
You sit up and crawl around the other side of the bed, sitting behind Tavros. You observe his wounds. It's been months, and it's still hurting him. You wonder if that was going to be a permanent pain for him, you'd really hope not. You slide your fingers over them very gently.
After a few minutes of this, you pull your hand away and sigh. It took all of your will to ask this next question.
"still fuckin hurt, don't they?"
You knew the answer, of course they still hurt.
—
You sigh. This was all your fault. You could have prevented this. Maybe if you would have been a bad slave, they would have killed you, and prevent this whole war. But God, how could you have known all this would happen? And why couldn't Gamzee just stop and listen to you…Just for two seconds?
You bury your face into your hands, sighing. You hear the bed shift. You peek from your hands, seeing Gamzee had moved behind you. You give a rough shiver as his fingertips travel down your back. The skin under them twitched and pulsed.
He asks you if they still hurt. You rub your shoulder with the opposite hand, looking back down. Your hair goes over one of your eyes, and you let out a shaky, unstable, sigh.
"„,yES,"
—
== You nod, leaning forward and pressing gentle kisses against the wounds. You knew only a few of these were your fault, but that still bothered you. You made a mental note to make the Subjugglators who beat him so harshly… disappear. A slight smirk grows on your face before it disappears again.
No bloodlust right now.
Only pity.
The bloodlust would come later when you're faced with an enemy, someone who is worthy of dealing with you like that. Right now, this slave, your slave, Tavros, he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve your heightened emotions and inability to think clearly.
That's what happened that night. You were so blind with rage, the idea of the fact that he had left you alone, to be with someone who so obviously lusted after him. Someone who so obviously lusted after him and that you couldn't stand.
You hug him from behind, making sure to avoid his injuries in this process.
"i can get sea dweller water or something. I HEAR THEY HAVE SPECIAL HEALING WATERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. it's not cheap at all, BUT I KNOW A FEW OF THEM. one bought one of the Grand Highblood's slaves not too long ago…"
—
You stay silent. Your lips crack open, your breath shaky and slow. You twitched each time he kissed you, turning a deep brown in the face. You reached for a pillow and buried your face into it. Oh God, what was he doing? Why was he doing that? Why would he do that?
Was that kiss serious? The first one…was he really…serious? You bit into your pillow and shake softly. You didn't really know what to feel right now. You were utterly confused. Very confused. He was kissing you…hugging you. Telling you he'll heal you.
Does he really care? Why would he? What have you ever done…to make him feel this way about you? He should completely and utterly loath you. And you should feel the same. But, God you couldn't.
"t-tHAT SOUNDS„,n-nICE,"
You lean forward, away from him…just a bit.
—
== You nod, letting go of him and sitting against the corner of the bed. You know you've overstayed your welcome at this point. You've taken it too far. You shouldn't have kissed his back…Shouldn't have done that.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"i'll do that then." You glance at him, raising an eyebrow. "BUT MOTHERFUCKER, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" You reach over and grab the pillow and give it a light squeeze. "what the fuck did this pillow ever do to you." You say with a slight laugh, trying to lighten the mood any.
—
You let out a small sigh of relief. Everything was so different now. Things were going to change, and you don't know how you're going to take them. Well no, everything was already changing. And God all this kissing and hugging and confusion…It wasn't helping.
You rub your arm again, glancing away from him. He asks you about your pillow. You give a small smile. Okay, yes. That worked. You hadn't smiled in so long before today. For once, this one wasn't sad, though it wasn't happy either. You didn't really know what it was at all.
"i-i WAS JUST„,nERVOUS IS ALL, i'M SURE THE PILLOW WILL FORGIVE ME„," You mutter into your knees.
—
== You laugh. It feels good. You saw him smile; you want to make him smile more. It's time to get your stupid on.
"I'M NOT SURE, MAN."
You say, jokingly. You let go of the pillow and lay back on the bed, stroking your chin.
"i heard pillows can hold a pretty big grudge. ONE MORNING YOU'RE CUDDLED ALL UP AGAINST IT, trying to get your fuckin sleep on, NEXT YOU HAVE A FACE FULL OF BED." You shake your head as if this is a tragic story, "lost a friend to a pillow once. ONE BAD PILLOW FIGHT. tore the seams, and damn. THAT THING GOT REVENGE."
== You sound so stupid. Success.
—
You cover your mouth. Oh God. Oh God. What was he even rambling about? You began to laugh, burying your face into your hand as your body jerked with each chuckle. Oh God, your sense of humor was terrible. That was corny and not very funny at all, but why are you laughing!
"r-rEALLY," You choke out.
Oh God.
—
== You start to laugh too, his chuckles and little laughter makes you just burst into it too. You curl into yourself and laugh, slight 'honks' between each breath. When you've finally settled down enough to talk, you take a deep breath and say,
"no, not really." You snort. "JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. by being a complete idiot. I WON." You throw your hands up like an idiot who just won some kind of Olympic race.
Then you threw a hand over your eyes and honked again.
"oh my god. I'M SO EMBARRASSING. that never happened." You say, still slightly giggling.
—
You uncurl from your ball with a small smile. Suddenly, things didn't hurt too badly. Things weren't as dark. You sighed, softly. But you knew this temporary shine wouldn't last. You look at your books, your journals; filled to the brim with writing that wasn't yours…Your fingers twitch again.
You ignore it. You ignore them. You ignore something else too. Not quite sure what, but, you do. You walk over to Gamzee, and kneel down in front of him. Then, you wrap your arms around him, still smiling. Your back still hurt. And you still wanted to lie down. But, that didn't make your smile disappear.
"i-i'M SO SORRY„," You mutter.
—
== He was hugging you, and smiling, and he even looked genuinely happy. Maybe you should be completely idiotic more often. You shook your head, no; this was a onetime thing, a fixing of everything that's been totally undone by your own actions.
Now that you think about it, you've always been completely idiotic, this time just in a playful way. You put your arms around him, rubbing his back very gently and leaning your head on his shoulder. You turn your head carefully, damn horns, and kiss him on the cheek.
"don't apologize. YOU HAVE HARDLY ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. maybe ignoring me when i first got in here, BUT I FIXED THAT."
—
You sigh. It was kind of nice seeing a different side of him. You really wondered how he acted before the Grand Highblood butchered his personality. Your ears twitch at his kiss, you curse them inwardly. Doopy cow ears…
You let him hug you though. Things would be just fine between you two, you think. Maybe? Despite your jumbled feelings and the fact Dave is dead and gone…Maybe the best thing you can do for Dave is just try and survive and to purse happiness. Yeah. That's about right.
…You wonder what happened to Dave's car, and then shake the thought.
—
== You pull away from the hug, hoping things are okay now. You grab his hand and squeeze it slightly, and then trace your fingers over his brand slowly.
"can we stop all this bullshit now?" You reach out and push his hair out of his eyes. "CAN WE BE FRIENDS AGAIN?"
== Friends is what you'd settle for right now, at least until everything was okay. You figured he'd still be afraid of you after this, but hopefully not as much. You nod. You don't regret killing Dave. You don't regret killing him in the slightest. You'd do it again, if you could. You'd do it over, and over.
But you did regret beating Tavros.
That is something that never should have motherfuckin happened.
—
Friends? Oh. Yeah…You were kind of friends before all this. Your ears flick, back and forth. Then you give a slight smile. You look away for a second, then back at him. You can't really stay mad at anyone. Were you even mad? You should have been. You really should have…but you weren't.
You take his hands gently.
"y-yEAH„,wE'RE STILL FRIENDS„," You mutter, so low he could barely hear.
—
== Relief. That's the only thing you can think at this moment. You hug him one more time, before pulling away.
"fucking finally." You laugh. "THE PILLOW SHOULD REJOICE. won't have to motherfuckin be bit anymore."
You nod. You're friends. Maybe that's all that matters right now.
"I'M YOUR FRIEND. you're my friend. YOU'RE MY SLAVE. i'm your master."
== You squeeze his hands slightly, looking him in the eyes one more time. You don't say what you really want to say. You just let it flash through your mind.
I'm your friend, you're my flushcrush.
