Obi-Wan shifted his cold, icy pale eyes as he watched Orillia paced back and forth in his small living room, dragging her left injured leg. She winced with every step, but despite Obi-Wan's warning, she continued to pace. There was no use to tell her to stop – he could feel the sense of panic in her, settling around her. Orillia's mismatched eyes was on fire, trepidation engulfing her.
"Orillia-" Obi-Wan spoke again, Orillia stopping short of him.
"For once in your life, Kenobi, I beg you-" She gritted through her teeth. "Stop walking around eggshells around me, and tell me the truth." She chewed out her every word. "A son! A son!" she screamed. Obi-Wan furrowed his eyebrows, admittingly slightly disturbed by her overreaction. Kendo was known for her short fuse, but this was far beyond any fit he has ever seen her throw.
"Kendo, calm yourself." Obi-Wan urged.
"Don't tell me to calm myself Obi-Wan!" Orillia shouted, crashing on the chair Obi-Wan watched her, quaking lightly. She crashed her head against the dusty, wooden table. There was an aching pain in her, a pain he couldn't exactly understand. Obi-Wan fluttered his eyelashes, fidgeting his fingernails. He pondered on a question, to which the answer was rather obvious until he learned about Amidala…
"Orillia-" Obi-Wan paused, proceeding cautiously before continuing. "I understand you and Anakin were close, but-"
"But what?" Orillia snapped, not lifting her head up from the table.
"But, was there more?" Obi-Wan asked. He was truly afraid what the answer may be. If it were as he was now suspecting, Obi-Wan was a bigger fool than he believed.
"What do you mean?" Orillia asked, her eyes burning red and puffy from tears.
He exhaled loudly, running his fingers through his ginger hair. "You know what I mean." He exasperated. Orillia stared at him, her full lips slightly quaking. She gulped, rubbing the temples of her forehead profusely. "There is no reason to hide anything now-"
"I don't know-" she finally answered, her voice bare whisper. "I don't know anything anymore."
"Start from the beginning, please" Obi-Wan requested. Orillia blinked rapidly, tear droplets clinging from her long, curled lashes. Orillia sniffed and took in a deep breath, resting her back. She looked down absently on the floor, her eyes swimming with memories, painful nonetheless.
"He was my best friend." She said, continuing to look down on the floor. "He always has been. I-" she paused again. "I was different. So was he." She continued. "I couldn't control my Force, the others said I was 'The Chosen One'… that was the burden I had to carry."
"I remember-" Obi-Wan said, rubbing his beard thoughtfully. "I was a Padawan then, and there were rumors that 'The Chosen One' was recognized."
Orillia nodded, gulping hard. "Yes, so therefore, I lived with the burden of bringing balance to the Force, when I myself lacked it." She pursed her lips into a tight line. "Until of course, you and Master Ginn brought Anakin-"
"And he became the prophesized Chosen One." Obi-Wan exhaled with a light chuckle. The prophecy of the Chosen One, who truly humorless it was, and how truly wrong.
"The burden fell on him." Orillia replied. "And I understood what that was like." Orillia replied. "I know I came from a powerful political family. When Mace Windu found me in Vardos, I was only three. My- ahem, biological father had a particular disdain towards the Jedi and the Council, and when he was aware that I harnessed the Force in me… he refused to give me over to the Order. One late night, my mother risked everything and gave me to Master Windu, and he helped her escape her brutal marriage."
"I was quite the brat as a kid-" Orillia began.
"You still are." Obi-Wan interjected, smiling. A small smile appeared on her beautiful face, but disappeared without moment's notice.
"We may have come from two strikingly different backgrounds, one slave and one royalty, but we had one thing in common." Orillia continued. "We were different." She chuckled. "You know when I first met him, he asked me if I was an angel! I slapped him." Orillia crooked her eyebrows. "We were best friends since."
"Orillia I know you two were-" Obi-Wan continued.
"I am not finished yet!" Orillia snapped, inhaling deeply to calm herself down. "You did ask me to start from the beginning-" She replied, attempting to remain calm. Obi-Wan nodded his head slowly, indicating for her to proceed.
"As we became teenagers, our hormones were out of control-" Orillia looked up, her maple brown cheeks taking a darker shade of red. "You probably can't relate. Anyways, I know you know we were physical. Lord knows you and Master Windu-"
"You two weren't subtle about it." Obi-Wan answered. "There isn't anything about Jedi's engaging in physical relationships, but we were particularly concerned about the two of you because of how close you were."
"So was I!" Orillia replied gulping. "I mean, at the time I did too. Anakin, he, became possessive of me. He would not like it if I got cozy with anyone else." Orillia said. "Just the way he began acting started to worry me. He was obsessed with me… and the day before I turned twenty, he confessed he was in love with me."
Orillia stopped once again, trying to hold back tears. "I was afraid… I was afraid I felt the same way, therefore I told him we needed to stop. Anakin was furious… and he refused to accept it. We ended things on bad terms that day-"
Obi-Wan sat up straight, closing his eyes. "The day after, Senator Amidala was attacked and we were assigned to her protection, and Anakin seemed very agitated."
Orillia nodded, pursing her lips. "Master Windu suggested I go with you while Anakin was sent to Naboo with Padme, and we followed the trail to discover the creation of the clone army. And then, I'm sure you remember the rest."
"As if it was yesterday." Obi-Wan replied bitterly. Geonosis was another dust-bowl system he absolutely loathed. That planet always seemed to give him grief.
"I- the moment we were chained to the pillory's waiting to be eaten for entertainment." Orillia continued. "I really thought that was it. And for the first time, the fear of death overwhelmed me… and the guilt." Orillia paused. "Then Anakin arrived, and I realized… against all odds, all rules, if we survived the first battle of Geonosis, I needed to be with him." Orillia gulped, blinking rapidly. "I love" she looked up pausing. "I loved him."
Obi-Wan looked down, trying to calculate the rather bizarre events in his head. At what point in time did Anakin decide to tie the knot with Padme? Obi-Wan remained silent, but Orillia knew he was thinking about something. To divert her, he quickly posed "At what point did you tell him?" Obi-Wan asked.
Orillia crossed her arms, her brows arched. "After the battle ended, he took Amidala back- and when he came back, I told him how I felt about him." Orillia replied. "If you didn't notice, we were a bit preoccupied at Geonosis to discuss our forbidden love."
"And since then-" Obi-Wan lead, making Orillia nod in response.
"Yes." She answered quietly. "We promised we would keep it a secret. And, and I made him promise, the moment our relationship was interfering with our perception… we would end it, no matter how hard it would be."
Obi-Wan sat back, baffled. He knew for a fact that Anakin and Amidala got married the day he took her back to Naboo. Therefore, Anakin didn't know how Orillia felt about him. What baffled him was how did he continue to remain with Amidala as well? How did he manage two juggle not one, but two forbidden relationships at the same time? What was his reasoning to remain with the both of them.
"So-" Orillia asked, her arms still crossed across her chest. "What happened Obi-Wan?" her voice was cold and distant, all emotions erased. "What happened that would dare him to procreate with another woman and-!"
"Orillia, please do be cautious." Obi-Wan waved his hand. "This is not something you want to live with."
Orillia stared at him, her mouth opened agape. "Kenobi- I need to know-" Orillia slammed her fist against the table. "I need to know why he would do this to me-" she continued quietly, her voice soft. Tears gushed down her cheeks. She reached up and wiped the tears away, placing her hand beneath her chin.
Obi-Wan didn't want her to know. He didn't want her to know anything that he knew, it would tear her apart. Orillia truly cared for him, and it would be her best interest if she remained in the dark. Unfortunately, he knew that was impossible. She had the right to know, all of it.
With great difficulty, Obi-Wan spoke. "Did you notice any change in Anakin's behavior during the course of the war?" He asked, watching Orillia tilt her head with confusion.
"Well…" Orillia murmured. "He was at his best beginning of the war, you and I both know that." Orillia leaned forward, slowly tapping her fingers on the table. "I am somewhat curious as to why you're asking me that-"
"There is a reason, which I will come to later, but you need to tell me when you started noticing, a change." Obi-Wan posed delicately. Orillia blinked, her mind racing.
"Well… as you and I both know." Orillia continued, rubbing her flustered face. "A chain of events made Anakin very, agitated." Orillia hesitated, looking down. "And paranoid." Orillia paused, and Obi-Wan could tell she was thinking of what to say next. "It's Padme Amidala, isn't it?" she asked, her voice low. Obi-Wan widened his eyes, breathing through his nostrils. He needed to say nothing more. Orillia turned her head, and to his surprise, she began a dark chuckle.
"Orillia-" Obi-Wan warned, sensing a burning rage building inside her.
"How could I!" she got up suddenly as furniture around her began quaking. Obi-Wan sat up straight, growing alarmed by Orillia's reaction. "Be so stupid!" she screamed as the tiny hermitage began shaking violently.
"Orillia calm down." Obi-Wan warned, getting up from his seat and grabbing her shoulders. "Now-" he gripped onto her flesh, shaking her. Orillia looked around her frenzied when the shaking stopped, panting hard.
"I'm… I'm sorry-" she stuttered. Slowly prying away from Obi-Wan's grasp, she reached up to wipe dripping precipitation from her forehead. She bit onto her lips, hard enough to see the color disappear. "I was about to give up, everything I have ever believed in – for him." she whimpered. She stopped, pulling at her hair anxiously. "I was about to leave the Jedi Order, with him?"
"It isn't natural for us to think about a Jedi being married with a prominent Senator-" Obi-Wan continued, "Let alone simultaneously engaging in another, affair-"
"I'm not talking about him being married to Padme." Orillia interjected, her voice seemingly calm. "I might have been stupid then, but, a lot of things began adding up slowly." Orillia continued. "I've had my suspicions, you know, about him- me! A person who have so much control over her own emotions." Orillia continued humorlessly.
Obi-Wan's heart sank. She too knew. He reached up and shook his head. "I failed, Orillia- I failed him-" Orillia looked up, her eyes swimming with shock.
"Don't you dare say that." She whispered, her voice cracking. "You didn't fail anyone, Kenobi. You were as good of a Master as anyone can wish for… it's him."
"Orillia-" Obi-Wan began, but Orillia stopped him.
"No, no, Obi-Wan, I mean, you thought he was suffering, wasn't he? Felt mistreated? Put down? Underestimated?" Orillia spat, hunching her shoulders and hugging herself as she began to shiver. "So did I. You know, after Ashoka left the Order, I knew how much pain he was in… she was like his sister. And then he complained about how the Council didn't trust him, he got increasingly paranoid… then it began with me-"
"What began with you?" Obi-Wan asked, arching his eyebrows.
"The possessiveness, the jealousy- the insane jealousy, all over again." Orillia replied. "He began to get jealous at any man who merely existed in the vicinity of me, he became-" Orillia took a deep breath, widening her eyes.
"Became what?" Obi-Wan inquired.
Orillia scratched her arm uncomfortably, looking down at the floor. "R-rough. And well, had an unhealthy obsession of being jealous of you. He really thought I was having you has a side piece, I guess he thinks that of everyone-" She replied, her voice low. "He was beginning to suspect that everyone was out to get him, and that his potential had surpassed other Jedi's of his age, excluding me, and that he should be recognized for that."
Obi-Wan blinked awkwardly, feeling his cheeks burn up. He certainly didn't need to hear about Anakin's and Orillia's physical relationship, but he got the sense that the situation was much worse than she was putting forth. Moreover, Anakin was having doubts on Orillia and him. He would never break the confidence of the Order, again. "Ahem, what did you say, when he vented to you?"
Orillia, who seemed much more relaxed a moment ago, let out a long sigh. "I would always shut him off, tell him he was being delusional." Orillia paused once again, looking up at the cracked mud ceiling. "There would come a time when we would get into fights, and he would say that I too was turning against him. When I would threaten to leave, he would fall to his knees and beg for me to stay. He would say things like… I would die if your left me." She clicked the tip of her tongue, shaking her head in disbelief. "I told him, before we embarked on our star-crossed love story," She continued bitterly, "that it would end as soon as either one of us were compromised. He was compromised alright… but there came a point where I feared what he would do if I did leave."
"Orillia… why didn't you-" Obi-Wan began when she placed her hand over his, squeezing it tightly.
"I was backed against a wall, Kenobi." She continued, gulping. "I loved him, I really love the act he put up." Obi-Wan placed his hand over hers, grasping her attention.
"What he felt for you wasn't an act, Orillia." Obi-Wan answered, his voice soft. "We all knew there were lingering feelings between the two of you. Just never discussed that you were actually involved."
Orillia snorted, her look filled with incredulity. "Why are you defending him?" Orillia asked.
"Because we must." Obi-Wan asserted. "We must believe in the Light in people, and the good. And whatever conflict he was filled with, once upon a time, there was good in him, and there still is-"
Orillia smiled, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she closed her eyes, nodding. "Oh, what it must be like to be as optimistic as you." She sighed, removing her hand. "Unfortunately, from where I'm standing, the story is quite black and white."
"What makes you so sure?" Obi-Wan asked. "You cared for him."
"Yes, and it was my feelings towards him that clouded my judgement." Orillia continued, standing up from the chair. "Yes, I can use my empathy and think about the bankroll of disasters that were set in motion – his mother being killed, living in a constant state of irrepressible pressure, not being trusted, being undermined, or being so susceptible that you'll let an actually rotten man deceive you, yes I see all that." Orillia paused, starching her neck with all her might as if bugs were crawling under her skin. Obi-Wan watched her intently, and he knew what was happening to her. "I can even look at the remote possibility that a man can love two women at once."
"But-" Obi-Wan added. Her eyes finally met his, and they were swirling with hues of gold and green, and a brown deeper than mud after fresh rain. They were simply captivating, hypnotizing even.
"Can you remotely imagine a reality where any one of us would come to do what he did, simply because of the reasons stated above-" she paused, her speech caught in her throat. "If any of those were to happen to us, and to some extent they did… let's completely ignore you, and in a more realistic manner, let's think about me – do you think, I could possibly do what he did? To all the children-" Her eyes filled with tears once again, her lips quavering in a whimper. "I have been haunted a good portion of my life with the images of burning bodies, and I screamed about them, begging the Council to understand my visions… but everyone said, including you, that they were nothing more than terrors."
Obi-Wan looked down, trying to hold back tears of his own. He knows what he saw when he went back to the Temple - the images were exactly as Kendo has been describing time and time again, in her visions. Yet, it was simply such a mortifying horror that everyone was ready to sweep it under the rug and focus on what was important, and that was the Clone Wars. If only they had listened to her outcry, would things have been different? If they didn't dismiss her in the grounds of being overly dramatic, would things have been different?
"None of us could do it, no matter how much we let the Dark Side in us." Orillia said finally, reaching for the door. "We were taught that the Force is there to serve you, and obey your commands, and be a guide to your consciences." Orillia turned the latch on his lock, twisting it and opening the door to be greeted with a whiff of warm, musk Tatooine air. "Then humor me, Obi-Wan, how is it that he went through with that massacre, if he had any consciences to begin with."
With that she walked out of the door, leaving Obi-Wan in deep thought. She was right, but he couldn't start thinking like that, not now. He got up and followed her, closing the door behind him, "if we begin doubting every action we have ever taken, or doubting everyone around us, it becomes quite unbearable to live, Orillia." He shouted after her, making her stop in her tracks.
Without turning her head, she spoke "How are we living now, Kenobi?" She asked, finally turning. "You, one of the finest Jedi in history and a genuinely good man, are now living in a hermitage who has disgusted everyone around him, and I, who was admittedly troubled to begin with, am now a drug addict."
"Orillia, you may have a habit, but that does not dictate who you are." Obi-Wan pressed, walking closer to her. "You are still doing good deeds every day, no matter how great the risks are – and I" Obi-Wan looked down, pointing at himself "am nothing more than a sad hermit, who has lost all purpose in life. So I need to continue to believe, in some glimmer of hope, no matter how unattainable or impossible it may be… because this is all I have now."
She placed her hand over her mouth, bursting into tears. She walked a few steps forward, tears soaking her face. "Obi-Wan-" she whispered, placing a hand over his beard, making his skin tingle with contact. Her hands were icy cold, a stark contrast to his burning skin. "I may blame him for everything, and I perhaps may always feel this way, but, at the end of the day, I can't help but blame myself either." She removed her hand, waking him from his unpredictable trance. "Why do you think that is?"
Obi-Wan reached for her arm and gripped firmly. "Because we are Jedi-" he smiled, "and we are wired to see the good in others, no matter what… as are you, as much as you deny it." Orillia smiled, yet her smile riddled with a sense of despair. Orillia panted hard, sweat beginning to gather on her forehead. He said nothing but helped her inside, and for the first time in two years, he felt as if he had a purpose again."
I know it's rather short but I'll be back soon. In the meantime please comment on your thoughts and keep encouraging me. If you haven't noticed by now, it is apparent that I am extremely flaky.
