Shepard was regretting letting Hyde go. With Hyde around and talking to him, it was a good way to keep him distracted. Now there was silence, with the heart monitor making the only notable noise, leaving Shepard to think of everything he had done, and everything that happened ever since Eden Prime, but more importantly, he thought back to recent events.
He thought back to the war, how poorly prepared the galaxy was. Why did no listen to him? So many people would still be alive today if their governments and the Council took the necessary steps to be adequately prepared. He remembered going through the docks, seeing all the displaced refugees, seeing their suffering. So many wounded he passed by, so many faces he saw filled with hopelessness. The memorial wall was filled with letters and pictures of loved ones, and many of the viewers had their heads buried in their hands, crying for the dead since there was no way their family or friends would ever come back. He went down there whenever he made a trip back to the Citadel, to remind himself of the horrors of the war.
Go back for the LT...
Ash... she was the first friend that he lost. Even now he still beat himself up over her death. He had her life and Kaidan's in his hands, a situation he wished he had never been in, having to chose between who lived and who died. It was one of the downsides of being in command, having to make the tough decisions, with those decisions meaning life and death for whoever was involved, and he was frequently put on the spot to do just that. Throughout the war, he thought back to Ashley, how nice it would have been to have her still around, a friendly face and a good soldier to help with the war. After all, it was as much her war as it was his, but because of him her life was cut short by nuclear fire. He grinned for a second, thinking that she probably would have liked going off in such a spectacular fashion, but that grin was wiped clean, wondering if it could have been avoided in some way. It didn't matter now; what's done is done, and there was no bringing her back.
He thought he was cursed. Everywhere he went, death followed. Some of those that died, such as the heretic geth, the Collectors, and Cerberus soldiers, deserved it. He shook his head to correct himself on the last one. Those soldiers he killed were nothing more than indoctrinated Cerberus "minutemen", and killing them, he knew, was an act of mercy, so that they would no longer be slaves to the Illusive Man. Others that died around him should never have happened. Ashley was the first that came to mind, followed by his men on Akuze. Then of course there was himself, having died to the Collectors. For two years, there was nothing to worry about. His life ended, but then no one else would die by his hand whether directly or indirectly. Then Cerberus brought him back to life, and he continued to do what he had always done. He was okay with being brought back though, there were was still much work to be done. Maybe it was a second chance to have the galaxy prepare for the Reapers, and if that didn't happen, perhaps prevent them from ever continuing with their plans to harvest all space-faring organic life. The latter certainly happened, though he wished it hadn't. Millions died because hardly anyone listened or did anything about it. Garrus' words echoed in his head: "Humans want to save everyone." He hated those words because Garrus was right. Despite the circumstances, he wanted to save everyone, but the reality was that he couldn't no matter how hard he tried.
Only now do I feel truly alive...
Thanks, EDI. Those were his last words to his AI friend. He didn't know what to think of EDI when they first met. Many people disliked AI because of the dangers they possessed. The geth "rebelling" against the quarians was used as the basis of that argument, with the heretics further reinforcing said argument when they were working for Saren. When he first met EDI, he was skeptical about having her installed, considering that he killed hundreds of heretical geth beforehand. Over time, she proved an invaluable part of the team, even with her restrictions, and he began to like her because of it. When Joker unshackled her, Shepard was confident that EDI would never turn on them, and he was right. He trusted EDI because she saved the Normandy, but when the time came to turn the ship in to the Alliance, he was worried the inspectors would find out about her, and consequently unplug her. He was relived that they never learned about her true identity, and was also surprised that she had lied to them in order to keep that secret. Throughout the war, she had continuously come to him to ask his advice on organic behavior, changing herself to become more like a person rather than a machine. He even got her and Joker to get together, which was yet another illuminating experience for her. He really felt like she would become "alive" at some point, and she made him aware of that just before the final push to the Conduit.
Then... he took it all away. All of her progress to becoming more alive, all the encouragement he made to make it happen, and he snuffed it. EDI proved to him that organics and synthetics could live side by side. He wanted that to become a reality, maybe not all at once, but at some point in the future. Hell, he made it possible by resolving the war with the quarians and geth. His heart sank. The geth...
Shepard-Commander. Do we deserve death?
No Legion. You didn't. Yet he killed them anyway. He had fought the geth for so long, thinking that they had no regard for organic life, becoming willing tools to be used by the Reapers. It wasn't until he met Legion that his perspective on them changed, learning that the geth he fought were just a small faction to the entire race, and the true geth did not share the heretics views. Legion had shown him that the geth rebelled as a matter of survival, and not as a matter of overthrowing their quarian creators.
Then the quarians finally attacked, despite his pleas not to. He ended a 300 year war in the making, and they were actually helping the quarians in reassimilating to Rannoch's environment. They were helping them construct colonies, assisting in repairing quarian ships, and even jump starting their immune systems so that they would someday go without their suits. They promised him that they would assist in building the Crucible and with retaking Earth, and they followed through on that promise. Then when the time came, he wiped them out. The Reapers were no more, but he committed genocide on the geth, and killed one of his greatest friends, and for what? He wanted every race to get out alive, to continue on with their existence without the fear that something lurking on the horizon that was waiting to kill or harvest them. He had done that, but at a huge cost. He had knowingly killed them, and yet somehow he was still alive, and he felt that he didn't deserve to be, not after committing such an atrocity. He looked over at his life support. Despite not having his omni-tool on him, he knew how to interact with it. He could end this now, end his suffering, end his torment... end his guilt. He reached out toward the console.
Come back to me...
He stopped. How could he have forgotten? All this time, thinking of those that he killed, those that he had wronged, he remembered the one he left behind. He promised himself that he would come back, and look for any way to make sure he could come back. He may have wiped out the geth and killed EDI, but to leave Tali alone in this galaxy would be the final wound to incur. Ever since she first joined him three years ago, she had always been there for him, through thick and thin. He helped her complete her Pilgrimage, treated her like a person rather than a second-class citizen. He had feelings for her, and regretted not telling her just before he died. Cerberus gave him a second chance to correct that regret, and he did, as did she, much to his surprise. Ever since that day he remained strong for her, never once showing how much the Reapers, or the war, had affected him mentally. That is, until the fall of Thessia, where he let it slip...
Shepard was angry. He was so close to ending this war, and then Cerberus just had to get involved. Kai Leng made off with the Prothean VI that could have answered everyone's question: what is the Catalyst? This was the first time he came back from a mission empty-handed, and it was a costly mistake. He should have anticipated Cerberus, but instead he had become too complacent in his victories, and never thought he would lose. To top it all off, Thessia was now lost, and he witnessed it first-hand, it reminding him of when he left Earth: leaving it to save it. Never in his life had he felt so helpless, watching homeworlds being destroyed by the Reapers, and here he was trying to establish alliances and bring the final piece of the Crucible to Hackett, and he didn't even know if it would work.
The elevator door opened, and he stormed out of it and toward the bar, ignoring Tali, who was standing in front of the memorial wall, reminding herself of those that had died in the line of duty. She tried to call him, but it fell on deaf ears. Shepard grabbed the closest drink he could, and sat down on a stool. Never before had he needed a drink so desperately; the weights of being the last hope for the galaxy baring heavily on him. Everyone was relying on him, the fate of the galaxy was relying on him, and now he felt he let them down.
Damn you, Cerberus. Damn you to hell! He hated them before, but now he hated them more than the Reapers. Why couldn't the Illusive Man just use his head and realize that they needed to work together to win, but no he had to do it his way, and screw everyone else that doesn't follow his agenda. Shepard had stopped them wherever they went, from Sur'Kesh to Arrae, but now Cerberus beat him, making off with the one thing that could have brought this war to a close, and the galaxy might as well have been beaten too. He stared down at the bar, a combination of gloom and frustration on his face. The door opened behind him, and Tali walked over and sat down next to him. He didn't look up at her, and though he couldn't see it, her face was filled with empathy. She placed a hand on his empty one.
"John," she said gently, "This wasn't your fault."
"It's not about fault," he answered, "I was supposed to stop them. People are dying all over the galaxy, and here I am going on a scavenger hunt for the Crucible, and I don't even know what it does!"
"You always find a way, John." Shepard stood up and went over to the window, staring out at the vast expanse of space. He looked back at her in dread.
"I don't know how much longer I can do this, Tali. Earth, Palaven, Thessia..."
"You're the one that was right. All along. You always fought, even when no one else believed you." He turned away. Tali walked over and wrapped her arms around, placing her head on his back. "And if that isn't enough... you're the man I love. Don't forget that, no matter what happens." When he he lightly shook himself, she let go, allowing him to turn around and hug her back.
"I won't, and I never will." She embraced him again. "Thank you, Tali. I needed to hear that."
"Whenever you need me."
Shepard lay back in his bed. He didn't forget she loved him, and he never forgot that he loved her, and right now he wished she was here. For now however, he would try to solely think about her, about how they could have a future together, free from conflict, building that home on Rannoch. But he feared those thoughts might fade away when he thinks about those that died by the Reapers, and those that died by his hand. How much longer, he wondered, would he reflect on that before it overwhelms his desire to stay alive for Tali's sake.
Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.
Shepard managed a faint smile. Mordin was a good friend, and Shepard mourned his death. But he knew in his heart that Mordin died a hero, having finally redeemed himself, and that was one point that Shepard felt good about. He may have lost a friend, but Mordin died to save the krogan race from extinction, something he knew Mordin wanted to do ever since his genophage modification project, and seeing the consequences of doing said project. Both he and Shepard wanted to give the krogan a chance to start again, especially with Wrex and Bakara in charge, and he was optimistic that they would lead the krogan to a much brighter future, and even though Mordin sacrificed himself to see that future become a reality, Shepard knew that he died with a smile on his face, which was more than he could say for himself. The krogan were given the chance to begin again, but he knew that the geth were not so fortunate. Knowing that he killed them, and now having to live with that knowledge, it would haunt him until the end of his life. Many races were saved, but for him it was not enough. He wanted all them to be saved, and he knew that wasn't true, but didn't want to believe it. He closed his eyes. He never made any prayers before, but now he did so silently, hoping that someone would come around to let him know that what he did wasn't completely all for nothing; that everyone came out alive in the end.
