BPOV
I walk for almost twenty minutes along the side of the highway before I am able to calm down enough to retract my shield and make myself visible again. I start thumbing and the second vehicle that passes me, a rusted out Toyota pickup that may have once been maroon in colour, stops and I get a lift into the center of town. My driver has thin grey skin lined and creased like a well used map, I can only assume he has spent more time working underground then living up here in the open. He is silent and I am thankful he doesn't expect any small talk. He lets me out right across the street from where I caught the bus, and I can't believe that was only a few hours ago. Like so many of my memories it feels like another lifetime.
I have already replayed my short visit with the Cullen's a million times. I don't know if they will leave or not. I do know that Edward still very much wants to kill me. That will never change. I don't know what the rest of them think of me, if they have any idea about how my life has played out. I don't know if they have ever thought about me since my 18th birthday. I do know I surprised each and everyone of them by showing up unannounced.
My feet fight the battle to get my body home unaided by my brain which is busy revisiting the last time I celebrated my birthday. I remember feeling excited and annoyed but also a little resigned. This was Alice after all, not like I was going to get rid of the girl any time soon. It was too much, but I focused on the love these people had repeatedly shown me. I was not going to ruin this. I remember the way the stinging ripped across my finger tip, the frustration at not being able to complete a simple task; and then there was just his black eyes and the fear so strong I thought I was drowning. I don't remember getting hit, I remember they way my blood and the shards of glass made a beautiful pattern on the white carpet.
In that instant he was not my love or my destiny any more, I could feel the hate pouring out of him and there was no doubt who it is directed at. Then everyone was yelling like a good old fashion nightmare and Rosalie and Emmet were restraining the wrong vampire. And I can't tell them because I am frozen. Alice screams and collapses in a trance and whatever she is seeing is good because Edward starts licking his fucking lips in the most sadistic way. And then I must have passed out because I was lying on the couch and Esme was pacing the far side of the room and there was no trace of my birthday party, my blood, or the rest of my new family.
When Esme noticed I was awake she walked straight into the kitchen, she didn't look at me, she didn't say a word. A few minutes pass, the house was so quiet that my breath seemed horrendously loud. And then Emmet is at the foot of the couch. He offered his hand and helped me to my feet. I remember my surprise when he let me walk slowly from my seat through the house, down the front steps and across the yard to the passenger door of my truck. The only sounds the entire drive came from the engine of my truck. I thought Emmet looked sad and that seemed like a really bad sign. He opened my door and pressed my keys into the palm of my undamaged hand. I barley registered the feeling of his lips on my forehead before he was gone.
I don't remember walking up my front path, unlocking my door, talking to my father or walking up the stairs to my bedroom. But I must have done those things. I went to sleep in a daze, trying not to think the worst and hoping the light of day made everything better. I hurried to school in the morning, eager to see Alice and Edward, eager to reassure myself that everything was normal. Neither of them showed up and I stumbled through my day in a cold sweat. When I pulled my truck into the driveway after school Carlisle's black Mercedes was hugging the curb in front of my house. My heart stumbled and stuttered and I thought for sure I was going to puke.
I actually calmed down a little when I saw my beau standing on the path beside my house. I felt nothing for him, the spark and heat that used to attack me at the sight off him were gone. I could survive whatever was coming because my Edward was no more. I don't remember following him into the woods, most of the conversation is a blur. I remember the way he kept glancing at the black car, like he was listening to whomever was behind it's tinted windows. He told me to live a normal life, that it would be like they never existed. And hate started to take root inside me because we both knew that what he said could never be true.
He left to return to his seat in the black car so I dove into the woods and wandered aimlessly about. There was just greenery and humid air. My feet stumbling over branches and through puddles. The sound of my breath and the sting of my tears. And then, without warning, I was in a clearing with most of the teenagers from the nearby reservation a keg of beer and the first real bong I had ever seen. I didn't want to party. It seemed like far to cliched of a reaction to such a drastic heart break.
Before I could melt back into the dark forest Jacob Black saw me. And he wouldn't let go of my arm. He introduced me to people, got me a beer and my first toke. I followed along with each of his suggestions because he never asked me what happened. Everyone speculated about the Cullen's; news had spread quickly of the Doctor's quick and suspicious resignation. The theories ran the gamete from; malpractice, drug addiction, drug trafficking, incest, to fraud. But Jacob never asked me about it and the numbness felt so much better then the pain.
Jacob got me home in one piece that night. He made sure Charlie wasn't pissed at me by reassuring him I was a normal teenager blowing off steam. Even through my drunken haze I remember him ranting to my father that I was better off without the 'fucking pretty boy'. It was the start of a great relationship. He got me liquor and sold me pot for cheap, he always provided the perfect alibi for Charlie and never asked why I needed it; I brought all the Forks kids to bush parties so Jacob and the guys could sell weed at jacked up prices to the dudes and try to fuck the chicks. I would bring cans of cold Dr. Pepper, sour soothers and twinkies and he would roll armies of perfect little joints and we would sit on that itchy, puke green goodwill sofa watching South Park for hours on the snowy TV in his shitty excuse for a garage. Jake never wanted anything I couldn't give. It was a symbiotic relationship. It kept me afloat.
I drag my mind out of my memories long enough to register the fact that my house is once again empty. I slip through my kitchen into my living room without turning on the lights. Our house looks foreign in the cold grey daylight seeping through the cracks in the blinds. Sitting on the edge of my bed I remove my shoes and back pack and never look at my reflection in the mirror on the wall. I strip my clothes off as I walk to the bathroom, I flip the light on and the fluorescent bulb is harsh in the small room. I slip under the warm stream of the shower as I mentally dive back into my sad excuse for a senior year.
I had wanted to be sad about the love I lost but mostly I found myself angry about the family that turned me away in the end. Thats why I searched for the meadow, I wanted to remember why I had thought he was worth sacrificing everything for. I clearly remembered the love I had felt for him but I could not connect it to the boy who had left me in the woods. I thought going to that place would help me understand what had happened. I didn't know then how much I still had to learn about Edward Cullen.
It took 5 weeks of hiking most days after school for me to find the meadow. This particular Saturday I had started out just before noon, I had only been walking for about two hours when I found it. The air was cold, it had snowed a few times in the previous weeks but the white stuff hadn't stuck around. The barren branches, cold air and dead lifeless flowers slumping across the open space changed it, but I knew it was the meadow I had been searching for. Instantly I knew there were no answers there, my search had been pointless. I was just getting ready to haul my disappoint ass back to civilization when I saw him, leaning against a tree a cocky smirk playing on his lips.
It took me a few seconds to place him. I had only ever seen him for a few minutes, months before. I recognized the hunger in his cloudy, almost dirty looking red eyes. In that moment I knew that if Edward had ever really loved me he would have changed me, there would have been no excuse strong enough to leave me vulnerable. Laurent moved so quickly I couldn't register it and suddenly he was only a few feet in front of me. My heart stopped and I struggled and stumbled around looking for breath that I couldn't find. Laurent started calling my name and searching wildly for me even though I was stumbling around a few feet to his left. That caused me to pause, which allowed me to remember how to breath. I started slowly backing toward the tree line while Lauent's face took on a distinctly panicked expression.
I stood in the patchy shadows cast by the barren trees, still except for the uncontrollable shaking in my arms and legs, for over an hour while he searched for me. Eventually Laurent just walked away into the trees, mumbling about how he was never going to be able to explain this. It took another hour before I stopped shaking. Then I started slowly picking my way home through the forrest. I had no idea what had happened, but I was thankful down to the very core of being that I didn't end up getting drained in that meadow.
When I came in the front door I was still pretty shook up. I heard Charlie call out my name from the kitchen when the he heard the door close. I made sure my voice was steady before I responded, but Charlie called out again. "That you Bells?". He walked right past me on his way to open the door and look out onto the porch. I started screaming for Charlie, but he wasn't hearing me, he was shrugging off the noise of the door and returning to the sandwich he had been building in the kitchen. I wanted to throw things and panic but I really didn't want to scare Charlie. So instead I pulled the cell out of my jeans pocket and dialed Jake.
He answered after two rings. "Hey Shorty."
My voice cracked, but I managed to squeak out his name. "Jake?"
"You coming to First Beach tonight?" Relief flooded my body, my head swam, I had to sit on the stairs so I didn't collapse.
"No Jake. I'm gonna disappear for a few days. Can you talk to Charlie?" A hysterical little giggle slips past my lips, and I press my mouth into my palm.
I can hear the smile in Jake's voice, and the smile on my face is a reflex. "He's coming down to watch the game with Billy tonight, right? I will let him know you are occupied, some bull shit project with Emily."
Neither Jacob or myself had any idea why Charlie trusted him so implicitly. I mean my Dad was a good cop, he should have known Jake was all always, constantly up to something. And Jacob never hesitated to use that trust to my benefit. "I owe you."
"Don't I fucking know it Shorty. Call me when your back." And he was gone.
There wasn't a lot of room for fucked up baggage and emotions with Jake, there was good vibes and a partner in crime and at least I knew I still fucking existed. I wasn't a spirit in need of Jennifer Love Hewitt and some sort of ghost whispering.
I spent fifteen hours pacing my tiny bedroom before I was one hundred percent certain I was causing this. Eventually I could sense the edge of the shield and even see the slight shimmer when lights hit the barrier. I had always assumed I was defective in some way and that was why Edward couldn't read my mind I never imagined it could be something more. Twenty six hours after I crossed paths with Laurent I was beginning to truly control the shield and I was finally able to see my reflection in the mirror. I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or saddened that I wouldn't be missing school in the morning.
Jake knew I was dealing with something, and he never asked about it. That's what made him my Jake. I have never, until today, told another living being about my shield. Most of my non school time in the 2 weeks after my run in with Laurent was devoted to using my new skills. Once my life was no longer threatened it was hard for me to pull up the protection. I found it easiest if I sat quietly and tried to feel the edges of the barrier wrapped around my mind and then pushed them out. Once I had myself covered I was able to hold the shield for about an hour without too much effort. It wasn't until I had been using my new abilities for a few years that I realized I had more then just the ability to be seen and heard or to not be seen and heard. I discovered I could block all of the senses independently of each other and that if I was determined I could throw my shield around objects not connected to me.
The discovery of my shield provided me with an opportunity to do something I had been too scared to do since the Cullen's left. The saturday morning of the second weekend in December of my senior year found me wrapped tightly in my new shield walking through the deep snow to what had once been The Cullen's home. The things I found that day altered every memory I was still clinging to of Edward and the Cullens. It would not be the last time I was in that house. It would also not be the last time I left that house with knowledge that changed me.
I take a break from my memories long enough to dry the water from my skin and braid my wet hair. My feet pad over the cold floor into the kitchen and I peer into the fridge and cupboards wrapped in my towel. I settle on a coconut and chocolate granola bar and then head to my bedroom to get dressed. The digital clock on my bedside table is displaying 6:27, and I'm surprised it's so early. Dan won't be home for a few more hours, so I recline on top of the covers still wrapped in my towel. I rip open the wrapper on my make shift supper as I remember my first trip to the Cullen house after my disaster of a birthday party.
I remember expecting the house to look run down and dilapidated even though they had barley been gone two months. But it looked pristine, and untouched. I actually felt bad marring the perfect white snow with my clumsy foot prints. I must have stood at the base of the front steps for 15 minutes before I found the courage to climb them and push open the heavy front door. There was no heat on and it was a few degrees cooler inside the house, my breath hung in the air like a mist. Because of the cold I left my boots on and tried not to care about the state of the white carpet
I moved with precision up the flights of stairs and then down the hall to Edward's room. The shelves that had held his CD's and stereo where empty, there was no furniture or art on the walls. But in his closet I found a desktop computer complete with a fancy flat screen monitor and a small metal tin with a handful of thumb drives in it. I plugged everything in, never really expecting it to work, and was shocked when the screen lit up. I sat on the icy floor, hunched over the keyboard and monitor reading Edward's thoughts until the sun was starting to set.
There was nothing on the actual computer but each thumb drive was filled to capacity with text documents. Each document was filled with Edward's thoughts as he recorded them during his time living in this house. I skimmed through the files that had been created before my arrival in Forks; there weren't many and they mostly debated philosophical ideas on the human soul and morality. He had created no files on the dates between my arrival in Forks and the night he found me in Port Angles. But there were thousands of files dated between that night and my 18th Birthday. I opened the first file Edward had created after I was a part of his life. I only made it a few paragraphs before the bagel and coffee I had for breakfast were coating Edward's golden carpet.
He wrote about how the men in Port Angles had infuriated him, wanting to kill me in such a boring wasteful way. How is brain had been flooded with images and ideas of how I should die. He went into graphic details about how my smell in his car made him want to peel the skin from my shoulders. He mused about the erotic gratification he would find in my lifeless corpse. And then the next day he had picked me up and driven me to school.
Each file I opened was more deranged and graphic. Each word I read erased the love I had once felt. He had kept me like a prize hog, just waiting until I was ready for slaughter. It seemed that by channeling his thoughts into this writing he kept himself from acting, from alerting his family to what they would have seen as disturbing behavior. The files that were dated after Phoenix and the fight with James were especially terrifying. He was outraged that someone else almost had me. His scenarios started to include controlling me and holding me captive for long periods of time before killing me.
That day I opened and read maybe 150 documents. Eventually I would read each and every grotesque thought Edward recorded about me. I didn't enter any of the other rooms in the Cullen house that day, but I would be back and I would find every secret hidden in the place. I left that day clutching the metal box full of Edward's thoughts in my mittened hands. I felt betrayed. I thought I had found the truest of loves when at best I had been a pet or possession. No person would ever control me the way Edward Cullen had.
I felt the need to reclaim my life and I started that night. Never again would I let anyone tell me what was right or proper. I would set the pace and I would make my own choices. It was a cold night and there was no party, but I found Newton, Stanley, Cheney and Webber at the rink behind the Forks high school. They were sliding around on the ice in their sneakers sharing a 12 pack of PBR and two bottles of nyquil, I was tipsy in under twenty minutes. It took very little convincing to get Newton to take me to his suburban to warm up, I remember feeling flooded with adrenaline at the thought of doing something that would make Edward furious. Sadly the act of letting Mike Newton finger me was not as satisfying as thinking about how much it would piss Edward off. I was disappointed he couldn't make me cum and he was angry I wouldn't kiss him. I remember pulling myself out of the passenger seat, buttoning my jeans, slamming the door and walking home without even saying goodbye.
The last half of my senior year was fairly similar to that weekend. I searched through the Cullen home, lost myself in booze and drugs and amassed a small collection of awkward sexual experiences. I blew Tyler Crowley in the backseat of his parents tercel while we were both supposed to be in English one afternoon. I made out with Leah Clearwater at a bush party; we ended up in Jacob's garage, her eating me out while Embry stood in the dark corner and quietly touched himself. And finally in the spring I lost my virginity to Paul on first beach one night after a party broke up. And in each moment I relished the control I had.
The day after I slept with Paul I avoided the world by going to the Cullen house. My continued digging hadn't brought me much, I now had a box at the back of my closet with Edward's writing, some photographs and documents that proved the Cullens had been here, a notebook filled with Rosalie's handwriting detailing how she died and the revenge she took on the men who killed her. Alice and Jaspers room was the only I hadn't dug through yet, Alice had been my closet friend and the betrayal of her leaving still stung. The room was bare but the closet was bursting at the seems, underneath the piles of designer clothes all I found was a journal of Alice's that only had writing on the first few pages and a black wooden box slightly bigger then a shoe box.
The pages in the journal had been written after Phoenix but before my birthday. Unbeknownst to me Alice had stopped seeing me in her visions. This change had scared her, but she never told me, Edward or Carlisle. Her writing suggests she was unhappy but resigned that something bad was destined to happen to me. I couldn't even muster the energy to feel betrayed. I was so sick of the Cullens and the lies they had filled my life with. I almost left without opening the black box. But it was the last piece and I couldn't deny myself the satisfaction of seeing all that had been hidden from me.
I had to work the tight fitting lid for a minute before I was able to remove it. The contents of the box confused me, these things were clearly not Alice's. At the bottom there was a worn pair of black leather cowboy boots, there was a small moleskin notebook each line of each page filled with an unruly scrawl, a small dull hunting knife with a bone handle, and a worn Neil Young tee from his 1970 tour for After the Gold Rush. I guessed these items must have belonged to Jasper, and I realized I knew nothing about who he really was.
I picked up the notebook and settled my back against one of the bare walls. The day was young and I had no responsibilities, my months of digging in this house had taught me that vampires record things in amazing details and this would be interesting if nothing else. I delved into Jaspers memories, beginning with his human life and I didn't stop until I had read every word he had written. I couldn't connect what I was reading with the Jasper I had known, they were not the same being. In his words I saw something I could not over look. His strength and determination were unreal, he thought himself a monster when it was the fear of becoming that monster that held his humanity. I was froze by desire, with Jasper Whitlock I would never feel fear again.
I brought the black wooden box home and added it to the stash in my closet. That night I crawled into my twin bed wearing only the tee-shirt I had found and began reading his words again. The things he had done and seen where horrific, but he didn't lust for it as Edward had. Jasper wanted the freedom to control his own destiny and with that he found a way to control his monster. The weight of his words combined with the presence of his most precious possessions in the empty Cullen house lead me to believe he had been abandoned by his family the same as me.
My feelings for Jasper crept up on me. I read from his notebook every chance I got, I carried it in the pocket of my jeans. But it wasn't until events unfolded in Phoenix that I realized I actually wanted him to come for me. I knew he could save me, protect me, avenge me. I wanted to share myself with him because he understood what it meant to be used and abused. I wanted him to want me, I knew he would want me.
Two weeks after I discovered Jasper Whitlock I wrote the final exams of my high school career. My performance was mediocre, but grades were no longer a big concern in my life. When I finished my last exam Jake drove me to seattle so I could board a plane for Phoenix to visit my mother. I enjoyed my visit, I hadn't seen my mom since I had been in hospital in Phoenix after James attacked me. Renee told me Phil was going to accept a coaching job in Jacksonville Florida and we spent most of our time catching up as we sorted and boxed all of the items from the room I no longer occupied.
On my fourth evening in Phoenix I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom with Renee reminiscing over photos and birthday cards from my youth. Phil had just brought us each a glass of wine, mine red Renee's white, and informed us that pizza was en route. Renee and I were cracking up over a photo of me wearing a bright pink fanny pack and neon green leg warmers when the doorbell rang. I followed Renee and her laughter and headed down the stairs, she blocked my view of the scene at the front door.
I could hear a sucking, slopping sound, like rubber boots stuck in think mud and I couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. Then all I could hear was my mothers shrieks as she collapsed on the stairs. I was wrapped in my shield before I could even comprehend what I was seeing. Victoria was bent over Phil's form, she was sliding her fingers through his abdomen like it was Jello, flinging blood and chunks on the floor, ceiling and walls. When she turned to stare at where I should have been her face was streaked with blood and there were strips of skin dangling from her wiry red hair.
She called out for me. "Bella, you won't want to miss this." He voice was high and would have been more suited to a small child. Her eyes scanned the room, skipping over the whimpering form of my mother like she didn't exist. I could even see her nose twitch as she tried to locate me by smell. After a few minutes she stops her search and focuses on my mother who is no passed out at the foot of the stairs. "I will never stop punishing you for what happened to James." Her voice is louder, she wants to make sure I am getting the message. "It doesn't matter if I can't catch you because I will be here for the rest of your life, destroying everything you love."
I'm frozen on the stairs. I can't revel myself. I can't protect Renee. I can't even look away. When the pizza arrives twenty minutes later I have pulled my shield in and am rocking back and forth on the stairs, silent tears streaming down my face. The delivery guy slips on the slick blood coating the floor and vomits on himself and what were once Phil's feet. I don't remember him calling the police, but suddenly the scene was tinted by red and blue lights. I don't remember leaving the house or anything that happened in the hours before Charlie was there hugging me and rubbing circles on my back.
I was lost to grief and guilt. All of this happened because I thought I had been loved by Edward Fucking Cullen. I was so grateful for my Fathers presence, but it also tortured me. I could not place him in danger by staying with him, my very presence was a threat. I read Jaspers words again and again. It became clear to me in the days after my mothers murder that Jasper Whitlock was my only possible salvation. His pale face and golden curls, which I could barley remember, became the motivation to all of my actions.
As soon as Charlie and I returned to Forks I began preparations to leave forever. As far as everyone knew, including Charlie, I would be heading off to university in a few weeks. In reality I lacked a definite destination or plan. I didn't doubt that when the time came Jasper would find me where ever I ended up. I decided to wait a few weeks after our return from Phoenix before leaving, Charlie had been really shook up by Renee's violent death and I didn't want to panic him. I was on edge as I waited, expecting to see Victoria's face around each corner.
One evening I was standing on a chair in the kitchen reaching to change a burnt out lightbulb. I hadn't noticed Charlie come home, so I wasn't expecting it when he spoke right behind me. "Oh Bells, I could get that." My reaction was unconscious, a result of being surprised combined with the fear I had been stewing in for weeks. I shielded myself. I was able to pull it back quickly as I watched my Father collapse to the floor, but it was too late.
The weeks following Charlie's death are a blur. Jacob's father Billy helped me organize the funeral and told me which real estate agent to contact. I priced the house much lower then the agent recommended and it sold almost immediately. Almost everything in the house went to good will. I packed only a small bag for myself containing everything I had gathered from the Cullen house, a few clothes, Charlie's badge, a few family photos and a few postcards from Renee. I kept nothing else from my life, all I needed was a way to disappear.
The only stop I made on my way out of Forks was to see Jacob. I thanked him for his friendship, I told him I was disappearing. He never tried to stop me, just gave me a hug and told me to be safe. I drove East, an outdated map crumpled in my pocket. I didn't care where I was going 'cause they're all different names for the same place. Alone.
I try to stop the memories by rolling over and pressing my face into the mattress. I don't want to remember the loneliness and fear of the years I spent lying about who I was and constantly looking over my shoulder. I don't want the guilt that comes when I think of my choice to stay with Dan. So instead I close my eyes on the darkened room and choose sleep.
