And there it was. The first time she'd ever seen Cal Lightman at loss for words. She was fascinated. His confusion lasted what seemed like an eternity to her, and she found it amusing. So much so that she did not want to break the spell. The awkwardness she felt at seeing a silent and confused Cal Lightman finally won out, so she broke the silence.
"I like this deer-before-headlights look on you. It's very becoming" she finally said, not knowing what else to say.
"Burns? " was all he could muster. She nodded.
"But, luv, how, I mean…Don't. I know how, but. It's just, I thought…I mean, help me out here luv," he finally begged. He could tell she was really amused by having caught him so off guard and having turned him into a blubbering mess.
"I'm just as shocked as you are," she said as she settled in her seat. "After I hung up with you this morning, my blood work came back, and, knowing my history, my physician confirmed the pregnancy with an ultrasound. I still don't think I fully believe it"
An ultrasound, so, she's even seen it. He sat there dumfounded. It's so difficult to imagine, Gillian, with child. Carrying a biological child of her own. Despite himself, a genuine smile escaped him, it was the sweetest smile she'd ever seen on his face. And she smiled in turn, he was genuinely happy for her. How could he not be? She's longed for this for so long, and after everything she's been through, no one deserves it more than her.
"Bloody hell, luv, he really is Captain America." She couldn't help but to chuckle at his Captain America comment. "And how on earth is it that you be so calm and collected?" he finally asked her as she took another sip of her glass… "and why the hell would you be drinking wine?" he added, registering that his partner was imbibing alcohol.
And there it was, her evil smile. He could tell she had be anticipating this moment.
"It's grape juice Cal," she said as she placed the glass under his nose for a sniff, before broking into the most adorable giggle.
She was having too much fun with this. His mind was racing with questions, with concerns, with how to process and react to her fears, and here she was toying with him. He couldn't keep up with her. He knew this was too serious and painful a topic for Gillian for this to just be an elaborate joke, but her playful demeanor was really throwing him off balance. And then it him, she's got to be worried out of her mind. This is how she's dealing with the very real possibility that she may lose this one too. She has to make light of it, otherwise this has the potential to overwhelm her.
"Funny, very cute, and very mature," he said pretending to be hurt, he figured he'd help her out in maintaining whatever emotional distance she needed to navigate through this.
"So, how are you going to tell Burnsy? I mean, he's got to be up to his neck in some risky undercover operation. Are you planning to contact his DEA nanny and have him pulled out of assignment?" Knowing Gillian, he knew she would play it safe, both in terms of not telling anyone until she was farther along, and in how she handled the situation with the DEA family liason that could have David pulled out of his current assignment. But he still had to ask, if only to get her more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant, he thought it might somehow help it sink in, make it more real.
"I might contact Agent Williams, his nanny, as you say, to help me asses David's present undercover situation. But I won't initiate any direct contact with David just yet…"
SO much doubt and fear hung in those last two words. The fear and hesitation was all over her face now. Although they never really talked much about it, he knew she'd been through so much trying to become a mother: he suspected she and Alec had tried many things, and that their hopes had been lifted, only to be bitterly disappointed. And then there was Sophie, the little girl from Delaware she and Alec had adopted only to have her ripped from their lives when the birth mother changed her mind.
"Cal..."
Sensing that she was about to open up about that painful subject, he stopped her, "you don't have to tell me this luv, I know its very painful for you."
"I want to. After all this time, I'm ready to tell you."
"Okay" he leaned in to let her know he was listening intently.
"It's not the first I conceive, Alec and I, it happened once. We were on top of the world Cal. We had been told it was nearly impossible. Cal, I had cancer as a child. Brain cancer. I beat it. But the radiation and chemo treatments in children, as you know, often result in infertility. Eggs are destroyed, the uterus is compromised."
Cal was overwhelmed with how clinical and distant her language was, as if she wasn't talking about herself. But he was also overcome with the feeling that he really didn't know his partner. He let her continue.
"Alec knew this when he married me. We knew we wanted to have a family, so we agreed that we would adopt. When we least expected, I got pregnant. We were overjoyed. We never imagined biological parenthood was a possibility for us. But I lost it in the second trimester. This was before you and I met. Knowing that we had conceived naturally once opened us to the possibility that we should try in vitro. We did. I was never able to conceive again. It was a long and painful process. We had just given up when you and I met. The rest, Sophie, you already know. So, as you can imagine Cal, I have to be really careful. I can't ask Dave to give up his assignment, to jeopardize whatever undercover operation he's in, his life even, unless I'm sure…"
Cal could tell she had so much more to say, but that she did not dare to say it. He could tell that she was stuck at stalemate. She could not bare the thought of loosing another child, but she also found it impossible to imagine that this blessing would be granted to her. He heard her start to cry, and he wrapped his arms around her.
"There, there. You be as much of a cry baby about this as you need to," he said in an attempt to pull her out of the dark place her mind had gone to. "Luv, you don't have to figure this one out in one day, much less at this moment. Take your time to digest the news. Take your time to asses Dave's situation, and take your time in processing…all of this." He, too, was finding it difficult to use the word 'parenthood' in regard to Gillian, so again he made light of the situation. "You're to dammed responsible, be more like me. Took me ages for it to sink that I was dad, took me even longer to start acting like one. About 8 years, I think."
"I'd say you never started acting like one. It's more like Em caught up to you and she started to behave like the parent."
"You see. There's all sorts of ways to do this. Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, give yourself time."
"That's part of why I invited you here."
"Huh?'
"The office. I don't want the news to get out. Torres and Loker will no doubt figure out I'm hiding something. They'll dig, they'll see things, and they might just figure me out. I need to keep this private Cal. If I…" He knew exactly what she meant, what she couldn't bring herself to say. "I need to be able to be private about this." He understood her need to be reassured that she would be able to keep her loss private, to keep her pain private, so he just hugged her as she cried.
"Shhh, don't talk like that Luv. You need to be positive, you know, studies have been done that have proven a direct correlation between positive attitude and positive outcome. You of all people Gill, as a psychologist, should that."
"Cal, I can't let optimism blind me to what I know about how my body was damaged by chemo. But you're right. I'll aim for cautiously optimistic."
"Something tells me you've got the 'cautiously' part down, and that the 'optomistic' will come harder," he said, still hugging her tight.
Sniffing, she looked up at him and said: "thanks Cal. I couldn't do this without you."
"What? Keep secrets, lie. Yeah, you're terrible at it."
