Author's Notes: This chapter is the second reason I chose Beauty and the Beast. Ronald as Gaston is so wrong its almost right.
Beauty and the Beast
Chapter 4: Ronald's Ego Trip
"Who does he think he is? That boy has tangled with the wrong man! No one says 'no' to Ronald!"
Ronald was sat by the fire in the local tavern, sulking about the earlier incident with Alan. He sighed deeply and rested his chin on his fist. Finny walked over, carrying two mugs of foamy beer,
"Heh, darn right!" he said, offering one of the mugs,
"Dismissed, rejected, publicly humiliated!" Ronald grabbed both beer mugs and hurled them into the fire, making the flames flare up. Finny looked at him nervously,
"More beer?" he asked,
"What for?" said Ronald "Nothing helps, I'm disgraced" he picked up his chair and turned away from his companion. Finny frowned and ran to Ronald's side,
"Who, you?" he said "Never! Ronald, you've got to pull yourself together!"
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Ronald,
Looking so down in the dumps
Finny pushed up the corners of Ronald's mouth trying to make him smile. Ronald rolled his eyes and punched Finny, sending him flying onto the table behind him. Unperturbed, Finny sat up and continued,
Every guy here'd love to be you, Ronald,
Even when taking your lumps.
Finny grabbed Ronald chair and turned it round to face the full tavern. The villagers all cheered, holding their beer mugs up. Finny grinned,
Everyone's awed and inspired by you,
And it's not very hard to see why!
The bimbettes draped themselves over Ronald's lap with a happy sigh. Ronald grinned and struck a pose. Finny began to prance around the tavern, grinning and pirouetting like a ballerina,
No one's slick as Ronald,
No one's quick as Ronald,
He snuck up behind a man who was flirting with the barmaid and stole his belt. The man gasped as his trousers dropped to the floor. Finny ignored this and took the belt over to Ronald, buckling it around the other man's neck,
No one's neck is as incredibly thick as Ronald's
Ronald sighed and flexed, snapping the belt Finny had put around his neck. The bimbettes sighed again and began playing with his shirt,
For there's no one in town half as manly!
Perfect, a pure paragon!
Finny once again pranced around the tables. He jumped onto one and began jumping around, knocking over many villager's beer mugs in the process,
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley!
And they'll tell you whose team they'd prefer to be on!
The villagers grabbed Finny and began swinging him back and forwards, right into Ronald's face,
No one's been like Ronald!
A king-pin like Ronald!
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Ronald!
Finny grinned and reached forward, tickling Ronald under his chin. Ronald frowned and pushed Finny away in annoyance. He grinned and began posing arrogantly, flexing his muscles,
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
My, what a guy! That Ronald!
Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip hips!
Ronald is the best and the rest is all drips!
Ronald stood up from his chair, still posing arrogantly. Finny stood next to him, dancing enthusiastically with a mug of beer. He swung his arm a little too high and threw beer straight into Ronald's face. Finny looked up at Ronald and grinned nervously. Ronald glared, rolled up his sleeve and punched Finny as hard as he could,
No one fights like Ronald!
Douses lights like Ronald!
In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Ronald!
For there's no one as burly and brawny!
Ronald grinned and picked up the bench the bimbettes were sat on. He lifted it up above his head, making the bimbettes squeal with delight. He smirked to himself,
As you see I've got biceps to spare!
Finny nodded, looking up at Ronald as he twirled the bench,
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny!
Ronald dropped the bench on top of Finny, making him groan in pain. Ronald ignored his companion and winked at the bimbettes, pulling open his shirt slightly,
That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair!
No one hits like Ronald!
Matches wits like Ronald!
In a pitting match, nobody spits like Ronald!
Ronald sat down his chair and picked up a piece of leather from the broken belt. He bit off a piece and began chewing it,
I'm especially good and expectorating! Ptooey!
He spit out the piece of leather. It ricocheted around the room before landing in a spittoon with a loud ding. It fell and landed on Finny's head, quickly becoming stuck. Ronald smirked and wandered to the bar. He picked up a nearby basket of eggs and began juggling them,
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs,
Every morning to help me get large!
He threw the eggs up into the air and swallowed them whole. Finny, who had dislodged the spittoon from his head, tried to copy. He threw three eggs into the air; they dropped down and hit him in the face. Ronald smirked at his companion and began flexing again, showing off his ample muscles,
And now that I'm grown,
I eat five dozen eggs!
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
No one shoots like Ronald!
Makes those beauts like Ronald!
He grabbed his shotgun from the nearby wall and took aim, shooting three holes in a nearby beer barrel. The villagers cheered and filled their mugs with the beer that leaked out. Finny laughed, looking up at Ronald,
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Ronald!
Ronald stomped back to his chair and jumped into it. Hr threw his arms to the side, showing off all the hunting trophies he had gathered and displayed around the tavern,
I use antlers in all of my decorating!
My! What a guy! Ronald!
The villagers ran over to Ronald's chair and lifting high into the air, cheering and whooping. They ran forwards and dropped the chair, straight on top of Finny. The villagers continued laughing and cheering, Ronald grinned smugly, laughing along with the others,
"Help! Someone help me!"
The villagers gasped as Tanaka burst through the tavern doors, looking bedraggled and frantic. He began rushing around, grabbing hold of people's clothes,
"Please! Please! I need your help!" he said "He's got him! He's got him locked in a dungeon!"
"Who?" asked Finny,
"Alan! W-We must go!" said Tanaka "N-Not a moment to lose!"
"Slow down Tanaka" said Ronald "Who's got Alan locked in a dungeon?"
"A beast!" replied Tanaka "A horrible monstrous beast!". The tavern fell silent for a few moments, Tanaka looked around. The villagers suddenly burst into raucous laughter,
"Is it a big beast?" asked one, creeping up on Tanaka,
"Huge!" said Tanaka,
"With a long ugly snout?" said a second,
"Hideously ugly"
"And sharp cruel fangs?" added a third, grabbing Tanaka by the shoulders,
"Yes, yes!" said Tanaka "Will you help me?" the villagers laughed again and dumped Tanaka in front of Ronald's chair,
"Alright old man" said Ronald "We'll help you out". Tanaka looked up gratefully,
"You will?" he said "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!". He gasped as the villagers grabbed him and threw him roughly outside into the snow. They closed the tavern door and walked back to their table, laughing,
"Crazy old Tanaka!"
"He's always good for a laugh!". Ronald looked at the men and thought deeply for a second,
"Crazy old Tanaka, hmm?" he muttered "Crazy old Tanaka". He looked down at Finny who was still stuck under the chair,
"Finny, I'm afraid I've been thinking…"
"A dangerous past time-"
"I know" said Ronald, nodding "But that wacky old coot is Alan's father, and his sanity's only so-so" He grabbed Finny's collar and yanked him up from under the chair,
"Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since I looked at that loony old man" said Ronald "See, I promised myself I'd be married to Alan, and right now I'm evolving a plan!" he stood up enthusiastically, accidentally dropping Finny on the floor. He quickly picked him up and started whispering in his ear,
"If I…"
"Yes?"
"Then I..." Ronald smirked,
"No, would he?" asked Finny,
"Guess" replied Ronald. Finny grinned,
"Now I get it!" he said "Let's go!" The pair stood up, grabbed each other's hands and began waltzing around the tavern,
No one plots like Ronald!
Takes cheap shots like Ronald!
Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Ronald!
So his marriage we soon will be celebrating!
My what a guy! Ronald!
Loud raucous laughter echoed from the tavern. A harsh wind howled past it's glowing windows. Snow began to fall heavily. Tanaka wandered around the town square sadly,
"Will no one help me?".
