Chapter 5, Trojan Wood
"Look! It's general Celestia! Open the gates!"
Inside of Celestia's chambers...
Twilight gazed upon the black dildo in her hands given to her by Cadence, she eyed inquisitively and sniffed it a bit.
Celestia rushed into the room and presented herself with poise, "somepony looking for a general?"
Twilight jumped and hurled the dildo out the window, "Celestia!" she squaked, she rushed up and threw her arms around Celestia holding her tight.
Reuinited, they embraced and sucked face until night fall where they now stood naked staring out the window with Celestia behind her.
"This will not be over quickly..." Celestia stated.
"That would be a first." Twilight responded as Celestia ran a hand over her arm.
"and you will not enjoy this."
"That wouldn't."
"... touche..."
*That night, Celestia recieved a true hero's welcome. Her newfound strength and skill drove Twilight wild with desire. They were conquerer and conquered, master and gimp. In the evening mood she conquered Twilight's soul and made her cum a LOT of times.*
XXXXX
"How could you idiots let her escape!" Sombra shouted towards the arena master in his tent.
"Us? I would say you were a little comperable there." the game master responded.
Sombra nodded, then grabbed the spear of a nearby guard and stabbed the game master in the belly. "HURLK! Kinda... forgot my place there... ughlglhglghlghlhhllllhhhhhh..."
Sombra stood over the corpse and began stabbing it over and over again, punctuating each word with another impailment, "We! Have! To attack! Them! Before! They! Attack! Us!" and left the spear inside the dead pony before turning to the map, "but we still cannot breach their walls."
"Alright look," Minority began as he walked into the room, "I know how to get in, and after thinking about it, I'll even try a golden shower one time OK? But I get to pick the showerer; otherwise it's threesome, foursome, booz, and jewels; none of that other bullshit!"
Sombra looked down at him, "are you sure? No stallion juice?"
"I'm sure!" Minority affirmed.
"Suit yourself..."
"Here's the big tip, we gotta get a big wooden dick and just drag it all the way up here," Minority's finger gestured up the road map to the Trojan gates, "look at that big ass fucker..."
XXXXX
At the front gates of Troy, Shining Armor and Cadence gawked at the sight of the collossal wooden penis on wheels.
King Loopy and Luna stood nearby, "... some ponies send flowers and some send giant wooden penises..."
Inside the giant wooden dick...
Blueballs and his private legion were getting high as shit as they giggled, "shh! Shh, shh, shh."
Shining tilted his head, "but it's real nice... artistically speaking not in any kind of gay way." Cadence stared at him with a deadpan.
Back up inside the giant wooden dick...
"Don't hurculese that joint!" More snickering erupted.
Cadence continued to stare, "it reminds me of a macedonian I used to date..."
Shining also stared, "was his name Big Mac?"
Cadence blinked, "yes..."
King Loopy nodded, "we should bring it into the city and deal with it."
Luna frowned, "this could be a trap my King, there could be Greeks in there waiting to jump out and kill us when we bring it into the city."
"... we should bring it into the city and deal with it."
Luna blinked, "My King I urge you... we should take it, and burn it."
The giggling inside the giant wooden dick stopped.
King Loopy gave a 'hmm' "you might be right Luna... but who am I to look a gift cock in the mouth? To the city!"
Inside the giant wooden dick, Blueball's soldiers gave eachother high fives.
A group of Trojan soldiers began wheeling it in through the gates only for it to catch on the top of the gate hole...
"Back it up!" Shining ordered, the soldiers did so.
"And now, push it in!" The soldiers wheeled it forward only for the same problem to occure leaving Cadence groaning in exasperation.
"Back it up again!" Shining ordered and the soldiers complied.
"And please, push it in again." the soldiers wheeled it towards the gate, "just to it a little slower."
Cadence rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "just ram it in for fuck's sake!"
And so, the giant wooden penis invaded Troy...
XXXXX
Twilight panted as she lay against Celestia, "oh... that... was... awesome... I never knew you had it in you!"
"Actually I had it in you." Celestia replied coyly making Twilight laugh.
XXXXX
Inside the empty coutyard...
A series of white ropes shot out of the wooden penis tip and dangled down to the ground. Roll that mental image around in your mind for a while.
Greek soldiers climbed their way down to the ground and snuck their way through the streets.
XXXXX
Celestia nodded, "I liked it when you punched me in the face."
Twilight turned back and smiled, "did you liek that?"
"I did, it was passionate." Celestia replied.
"How about a little slap and tickle?" Twilight said just as Shining Armor charged into the room screeming, "CELESTIA!"
Celestia and Twilight looked up.
"The Greeks have breached our walls!" Shining revealed.
"What?! How?!" Celestia shouted.
"A giant penis!" Shining replied.
Celestia looked down at her waist and back at Shining, "thank you, but how did they get past the walls?"
Shining stared with a deadpan, "They're sacking the city..."
"FUCK!/SHIT!" Celestia and Twilight exclaimed.
XXXXX
Trojans and Greeks colided with oneanother and the streets ran red with blood.
Inside a tent just outside the city, Sombra sat next to Minority stroking his cheek, "you have done well my little friend."
Minority turned towards him, "is your hand up my ass?"
"No... maybe..."
"Man get the fuck off of me!" Minority slapped Sombra's chest making him smile.
Just then, Celestia and Shining ran into the tent. "Sombra!" Then she noticed Minority.
"Kiss my Zebra ass mother fucker!" he shouted.
Celestia nodded, "ya, I deserved that... Sombra, let's spare the soldiers lives and settle this the old fashioned way, your best fighter vs. mine. We win, you leave Troy forever."
"And if we win?" Sombra asked with a raised brow.
"Then we submit to your rule." celestia answered.
Sombra smiled, "BLLUUUEEE-" "I'm right here." Blueballs state as he popped in from off screen making Sombra jump, "yipe! You're either too late or too early! Your timing is HORRIBLE!"
"Get over it." was Blueball's only reply as he stood in his black plate mail.
Sombra shook his head and turned to Celestia, "and who is your best fighter?"
Celestia raise her arms up to her side, "SHIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIINNN- just kidding!" she pointed at Shining Armor who looked like he was having a heart attack, "gotcha!"
Shining heaved and panted, "oh... my gosh... I just shit my pands..."
Celestia laughed her ass off at Shining's expense, when she finally calmed down she faced Sombra, "oh you should have seen the look on your face, ya no, it's me, I'm gonna fight him."
"Great let's do this," Blueballs said, "I've got a loincloth wax at 3."
XXXXX
Infront of the Trojan gates in the courtyard at midday with dozens of soldiers from both Greezs and Trojans forming a large circle makeshift arena, Celestia and Blueblood stood off in the center.
The two began to circle eachother, Celestia whiped her blade around as Blueballs cracked his neck and laughed.
Twilight and Luna stood by watching as it all of Troy for this decisive battle.
Celestia whiped her blade around and held it in a maximum thrust stance before charging forward with a battle cry.
Blueballs didn't even move, he let the blade run him through piercing his plate mail and popping out the other side.
Blueballs laughed hysterically and grabbed Celestia's hand pulling the sword in even further, not a single drop of blood fell from the wound.
Celestia's jaw dropped as her eyes bugged out, her hands weakilly let go of the sword as she backed up slightly.
"I know right?!" Blueblood exclaimed, "this shit is sick! You can't kill the indestructible Blueballs!"
Celestia blinked, "... I saw this going differently in my mind..."
Blueballs grabbed the sword handle and ripped the blade out of his torso, completely clean and void of any blood or guts before tossing it back to Celestia.
Celestia did a double take before swing the sword with all her might, "HYAAAA!" Blueballse parried the blow with his own sword and knocked it away before blocking the next strike and the one after that; then he parried a third spining Celestia around before kicking her back and sending her toppling over.
Celestia got up, shook her head and swung at Blueballs again who dextrously bent backwards completely dodging the blow before standing back up laughing and swinging his own sword at Celestia.
Celestia did her best to block and parry the blows until her sword was knocked out of her hand.
Celestia's eyes filled with panic as Blueballs closed in, then a voice called out, "leave her alone mr. Blueballs!"
Everypony's head turned towards Shining who stood shaking like a leaf.
Blueballs slowly walked towards him causing the stallion to turn tail and run away screeming, "oh shit!"
Celestia took advantage of the distraction and grabbed his sword; she lunged forward from her crouching position with her blade aimed at Blueball's waist, when he saw the attack, he hopped back letting out a yelp of genuine fear.
Celestia stood up and stared as an epiphany hit her, "his name... is Blueballs... because his balls are his weakness!"
Minority shook his head, "aint that mother fucker a genius?"
Celestia laughed before swinging her sword agian aimed for Blueball's crotch, but Blueballs deftly dodged and parried that attacks.
This continued until Blueballs gained the upper hand and disarmed Celestia yet again hopping backwards.
Everypony gasped.
"Time for Blueballs to end this shit." Blueballs said confidently.
And que the slow motion and epic music.
Blueballs ran forwards with a series of completely unnecessary flips and acrobatic maneuvers.
And then Celestia saw it, Blueballs jumped into the air with the splits, her eyes widened, it all linked together; this was it! As Blueballs came down, Celestia brought her hoof back and kicked it forward and high like there was no tomorrow.
A shockwave blasted outwards with such force it caused a sonic rainboom knocking all the soldiers over as Blueball's blue balls were anihilated, they were kicked up his crotch, through his stomach and out his mouth where a sack now protruded dangling like dingleberries.
Celestia mouthed out 'what the fuck' without any voice as the sonic rainboom and ripped away all sound in its awesomeness. Blueballs brought his fingers up to his mouth and pushed the ball sack back into his throte and swallowed them all the way back down to this crotch.
Time returned to normal, sound was restored. Blueballs fell to the ground crying like a newborn foal as he clutched his genitals, "my balls! Oh my balls! OWHOHOWOWOWOW MOMMY!"
Celestia grabbed her sword and held it up high when Rarity ran in out of nowhere and prostrated herself over her son, "no!" she cried.
Celestia blinked, "who is this chick?"
"Please! He's my only son!"
Celestia gawked, "dude! That's your MOM?!"
Blueballs rolled onto his back, "mommy..."
"Shhh, let me kiss it to make it better." Rarity cooed."
Shining d'awwed, "that is so sweet." Cadence nodded, "there's nothing like a mother's love."
"CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!" The Trojan soldiers cried.
Sombra shrieked in rage, "NO! This was supposed to be MY moment! GREEKS!" the Greek soldiers drew their weapons.
"Trojans!" Celestia roared as she redied her own.
Celestia began moving towards Sombra when suddenly Shining ran between them, "no, no wait!"
"Wait?! For what?!" Celestia yelled back.
"Listen Celestia, I no that he's a bit of a meanie pants." Shining reasoned.
"Uh, a bit?!" Celestia squaked.
"But he's just... he's misunderstood." Shining explained.
Sombra blinked, "... no I'm not."
Shining shook his head, "yes you are, don't you see? All murdering and enslaving it's just... it's you over compensating."
Celestia face palmed, 'oh for fuck's sake, we're not seriously doing this are we?' she thought to herself.
Sombra fowned, "overcompensating?"
"Yes!"
"... for what?"
Shining smiled, "for who you really are."
'Yep, we're doing this...' Celestia sighed.
Shining tapped a figner on Sombra's chest, "right here."
Sombra's lip quivered, "it's true... he see's right through me!"
Shining wiped tears from his eyes, "I know, I see right through you because... because I love you!"
Celestia chucked her sword to the ground and threw her hands up in the air, "that's it! I fucking hate this story, it's a cock meat, parasprite infested piece of ass cake layered with the shit of a diarhea skunk!"
Sombra's eyes shimmered with tears as he stared at Shining.
Shining grabbed his cloth shirt, "I'm gay!" and ripped it off revealing a very flamboyant outfit.
King Loopy looked out over the balcony, "shit I knew it..."
Celestia... where'd she go? "I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS RETARDED DEBAUCHERY OF LITERACY! I'm the fucking princess of Equestria! You can't put me in a story like this! You can't make me act the way I've been acting! I'm well over a thousand years old! I'm the most respected and epic character in the whole fucking universe of Friendship is Magic! You don't take a character like me and make me do the shit I've been doing!"
Come on Celestia we're in the final scene of the last chapter, just hold in there a little longer.
"... NO!"
Please?
"NO! I DON'T WANNA!"
Celestia...
"..."
Come on, at the point we're at you might as well just finish it.
"...fine..."
Celestia walked back on screen grumbling to herself.
Shining continued his rant, "don't you understand, I mean, why do you think I took Cadence in the first place? I was trying to make you jealous! And ya, lots of ponies died and I feel pretty bad about it, but I was trying to get a rise out of you!"
Sombra gasped, "oh my gosh, why didn't you just say something!"
"I didn't know what to say!"
"OH me too! I was so jealous when you came to visit and all the time you were spending with her!"
Shining bounced up and down gaily, and gayly also, "I knew it! Oh who cares about being king of Troy?"
"Oh girl, you can still be the Queen of Greece!" Sombra giggled.
Celestia glares out the computer screen at the writer, "I hate you and everything you stand for Bemnal."
Pinkie pops in out of nowhere, "Oh come on, he's not THAT bad, I mean at least this isn't like Equestria's Steamy Nights where some guy has a three way with a dolphin and Rainbow Dash. Oh oh! And then Trixie gets cemented to the ground and three stallions suffocate her with their cocks and semen! OH and then in Sorceress' Choice Twilight and Luna have kinky sticky vampire sex covered in some mare's blood. OH! OH! OH! and then in Equestria Game of Thrones that one Necromancer has sex with that Witch and there's like worms and magots in her vagina and the Necromancer's penis squishes them all while they have slopy necro sex! Or-"
Pinkie... I think we all get the picture...
"-or in Something About the Dashes when Cream kills those three foals and orgsms as she strangles that one bully to death or in the prequel Something About Fluttershy when Fluttershy kills Spitfire and hacks all her limbs off or the bonus chapter of Something About Fluttershy when Dashie and Flutters have like a 20 page long sex scene with like 30 orgasms or something and-"
Pinkie... seriously... you can stop now...
"and-" PINKIE! You've damaged the dimensional rift quite enough as is!
"awwwwww..."
Celestia gawks as the rest of the characters go on as if nothing's amis before turning towards the writer again, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BEMNAL?! WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK WRITES THIS KIND OF SHIT?! YOU NEED MENTAL HELP! And YOU!" she faces you the reader, "YOU'RE JUST AS BAD FOR READING THIS AND ENCOURAGING HIM!"
Well I was supposed to see a psychiatrist but the meeting got cancel- we're getting off track here.
"Yes sir we we are!"
Pinkie, go home.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie Pie dissapears into Celestia knows where.
"What? No I don't! I have no idea where she went!" Celestia scoffed.
... ... ... ... ... ... let's just get back to the story.
Celestia groaned, "ugh fine..." and turned to Shining and Sombra, "you know what?! Fuck Greece! And Fuck you!" she pointed towards Sombra, "I mean come on! This whole war started because you two f-" Shining put his finger up in warning and Celestia took a breath to calm herself, "faggots" Shining nodded in aproval, "wouldn't come out of the closet?!"
Shining shifted his wait on his hooves before nodding.
Celestia yelled in rage, "I mean! I had to climb a mountain filled with fucking like... even more ugly versions of Snips and Snails; I fell off a cliff; I lived in a cage; I got smothered by greesy celulite; I even KILLED Derpy Hooves! There's a special kind of place in Tartarus for killing Derpy Hooves! And for WHAT?!"
Celestia groaned and sighed, "alright look... Sombra, if I let you live, you agree to return home and leave Troy the fuck alone." she turned to Shining Armor, "and Shining, you promise not to steal anypony else's wife or cost the lives of thousands and thousands of ponies?"
Shining nodded, "yes I do."
"Ok that's just great, then by the power invested in me as the general of the Trojan army, I declare this war over, we win you lose."
"CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!" this time it was everypony who called out her name in celebration.
Twilight rushed over and wrapped her arms tightly around Celestia, "I am so proud of you!" she squeeled."
"Thanks babe." Celestia replied.
"I have some good news... and some bad news..." Twilight informed.
"OK good news first." Celestia decided.
"Troy is safe, you have become the mare I always knew you could be, and I will get to be the Queen." Twilight revealed.
"Fantastic, what's the bad news?" Celestia asked.
"I'm in love with Cadence and she's moving in with us." Twilight said with an unreadable expression.
"Fantastic, what's the bad news?" Celestia asked.
Twilight smiled and hugged Celestia tightly yet again.
"I always knew you'd be into it!" Twilight giggled before running off leaving Celestia feeling exausted but glad that this was all over.
Up atop the wall, Twilight ran up to Cadence, "so?" Cadence asked, "what'd he say?"
"You're in!" Twilight replied.
"YES!" Cadence exclaimed.
And then Cadence and Twilight grabbed eachother and made out, slipping their tongues into oneanother's mouthes.
*And so it was that the wrong foal became the right mare. A mare who became a general. A general who became a legend. A legend that will echo not just through her time, but through all time. The Legend of Celestia Futarius.*
THE END!
There that wasn't so bad now was it?
"I fucking hate you, don't ever write a story with me in it ever again," Celestia scowled, "not even as a background character."
Well I'm sorry you feel that way 'cause I thought up a lot of hot short stories with you and Luna.
"Go fuck yourself."
Oh and ofcourse in the sequel to Sorceress' Choice you'll be fighting Luna for Twilight's love.
"Seriously, just die, I hate you."
I love you too Celestia, have a nice day.
"Oh and you're a terrible fucking speller."
My computer doesn't have any programs with spell check.
"Ha Ha! Eat shit and die."
So fiesty! I can't wait to let loose a ravenous horny Luna on you.
"You're an abomination to all creation."
"HIII EVERYOOOOONEE!"
Pinkie I thought I told you to go home?
"No, if she brings you suffering I want her to be here!"
Wow Celestia you're really a bitch outside of the show aren't you?
"WELLL SHE DOES TURN ANYPONY SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO STONE OR SEND THEM TO THE MOOOOOOOONNN BBEEEEYYYAAAACHHH! DO YOU LIKE BANANAS?!"
"... I changed my mind, I hate you both, I hope you both die."
"OH AND BEMNAL'S HUNGRY SO HE'S GOING TO EAT SOME LUNCH!"
... how did you... forget it, I don't want to know.
"PInkie, take me home."
"OKIE DOKIE LOKIE! OH AND THEN I HAVE TO GET BACK TO SOMETHING ABOUT THE DASHES AND HELP TRAIN CREAM AND FLUTTERSHY TO BECOME THE PERFECT SERIAL KILLERS WHOOPIEEEEEEE"
"... I don't think I feel safe with her now..."
Have fun you two.
"What?! Don't leave me with her!"
...
"Bemanl?"
...
"Bemnal!"
...
"READY TO GO PRINCESS?! HOLD ON TO NOTHING! GET IT?! CAUSE WE'RE PASSING THROUGH INTERDIMENTIONAL RIFTS SO THERE IS NOTHING TO HOLD ONTO?! BWAHAHAHAHAHA I'M FUNNY! WEEEEEE!"
"Get me outta here!"
"HERE WE GO PRINCESS WEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And that's how Equestria was made.
"Well you know what? This whole fucking story sucks balls and it's a terrible fucking parody with no originality! So suck my futanari dick you hack pathetic excuse for a writer!"
Well that was uncalled for...
***/***/***/***/***/***/***/***/**/
Deleted Scenes/bloopers:
***This takes place after Celestia's victory.***
Luna walked up to Celestia, "General... I've underestimated you... today, you have shown strength, you have shown honor... today Tia, you have come a long way-" "*snicker* you said cum!"
Luna deadpaned, "I'm trying to give you the respect that I be-"
"I'm trying to give you the respect that I belive" Celestia.
"Are you repeating me?" Luna.
"Are you repeating me?" Celestia.
"You're gonna play that game?" Luna.
"You're gonna play that game?" Celestia.
"You are by far." Luna.
"You are by far." Celestia.
"The worst general ever." Luna.
"The worst general, you're not even a general." Celestia.
"Unbelievable..." Luna.
"What's unbelievable?" Celestia.
"I thought you changed." Luna.
"I have changed, I've changed shit tons!" Celestia.
"You haven't changed a bit." Luna.
"Changed the fucking world!" Celestia.
***This takes place in the temple of the Ugly Fuckers***
Snips looked down at Sunset Shimmer, "you need some fucking therapy!" he screemed at her as he shoved a spiked rod with rusty nails sticking out of it up her vagina.
Snails aggreed, "Freak!" he yelled in her face as she cried and sobbed.
***This takes place during the first scene with King Loopy and Celestia.***
"Between you and me, Twilight's been on the rag."
King Loopy nodded sagely, "well... don't be an idiot that's natural; just try doggy fashion, some mares preffer it, check it out."
***This never took place but here it is anyway.***
Derpy stood infront of the camera as the director ordered 'action.'
"My name is Derpy Hooves and I approve this Shakespear Monologue. OH from hues of fire" Derpy shook her fists at the sky, "A kindgome for a stage! Princes to act." she waved her fingers out infront of her, "and monarchs to behold, the swelling sea." she clutched her hands to her chest. "turning an acomplishment of many years and into an hourglass, and omit me Derpy, to this history, who prolonged light; may your humble patience pray." she gave a bow. "Timing to judge, our play."
That's your que to applaud.
